Authors: A. L. Jackson
Worst was,
they
were here. I could feel them, the eyes that caressed Christian with familiarity, those who’d known his body the way I’d never allow myself to. Their eyes would ultimately slide to study my face with barely constrained sneers, then drop to the place where Christian had his hand wrapped around mine.
What they didn’t know was that this was the first time Christian had ever held my hand, that I didn’t belong to him, and that I never would.
Jealousy struck me like a slap to the face.
Because for the most fleeting moment, I wished for once to trade them places. Just once to slip into the role of the casual girl who could handle
this
.
Christian broke from me, filled a red cup, and passed it my direction, cutting into my thoughts. His smile was so infectious, directed only at me. Blue eyes embraced my face, searching, silently asking if I was okay.
I’d once thought him too pretty. Now I knew better. He was beautiful. I’d spent countless days and hours with him, and the effect was still the same. I’d just learned to disguise it, to lump it in with the affection I felt for him as a friend. And it was strong, the part of me that begged for Christian’s touch. But the affection I held for him was so much greater than the hunger these girls were watching him with, so much greater than the obscured lust that swirled and pulsed in my veins.
I could never give into one night. Not even a short-lived affair. It just wasn’t worth it. I’d never survive without Christian in my life.
Sipping at the bitter liquid in my cup, I fidgeted uncomfortably as my attention flitted around the room at the faces of the people Christian called friends. Halfheartedly, I listened to the conversations happening around me, pretending
to act as if I was interested and enjoying myself, since Christian seemed to be having fun.
I forced myself to finish one beer in the span of time it took Christian to down five. He attempted to include me, but I just couldn’t settle, couldn’t find comfort in this place. I gave a little yank at the hem of his shirt to get his attention. He turned back to me.
“Is there a restroom I can use?”
I could tell he was a little buzzed, his pupils wider and slowed. He squinted to focus on me. Then he tipped me that earth-shattering smile. “Yeah, sure…it’s right down the hall. You want me to come with you?”
I forced myself to smile back. “No, I’m fine. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” He turned back to the guy he was talking to.
Keeping my head down, I made my way through the crowd, twisting and turning as I did my best to avoid both eye and skin contact, and fumbled my way through.
Thank God the bathroom was empty.
I shut the door behind me, and leaned against it. Raising my face to the ceiling, I expelled a weighted sigh into the reprieve of the bathroom. Music vibrated through the walls, though it was dimmed and dulled.
What the hell am I doing
? It was ridiculous to feel this much discomfort. It wasn’t like I wasn’t surrounded by these same kind of people in my classes, that I didn’t sit by them every day, or that I really thought bad about any of them. And I wasn’t normally this insecure girl who cared about prying eyes or what anyone thought of me.
Awareness pressed into my senses. I refuted it. Internally denied it. But its truth screamed in my ear. An unfound possessiveness rapid fired from my nerves, spun and wove a
web around my heart, and the jealousy I’d felt earlier beat a steady song within the confines of my chest.
I forced myself to move to the sink and splashed cool water on my face. It struck me again, and I gripped my hands in my hair.
Shit. Shit. Shit
.
I was never supposed to allow myself to feel this way.
Straightening, I looked up at the misery that awaited me in the mirror.
What the hell was I supposed to do now?
Someone banged at the door. “Come on…you’re not the only person here.”
Sighing, I steeled myself and headed out, ducking my head when I was met with the scowl on the face of the girl waiting on the other side of the door.
“About time.”
I didn’t acknowledge her, just brushed by with my attention trained on the ground. The hall was dark as I hauled myself forward and worked my way back through the throng. All I wanted was to find Christian and ask him to get me out of here.
A foreign hand pulled at my arm as I passed, and I spun around to one of the guys Christian had introduced me to when we first got here. Max? Yeah. Max. “Where you goin’ so fast?”
I yanked my arm away, hating his obvious perusal. “Just looking for Christian.”
“Right.” The guy laughed in his stupor. “Well, if you can’t find him, you know where to find me.”
Ugh
.
Why was Christian so into this?
Pushing forward, I came to a stumbling standstill on the outskirts of the living room.
Because I knew why. I always had.
Christian had moved into the living room. Even from here, he crowded my space. His presence slipped over my skin, penetrating, invading everything. He held me in a way no one ever had, in a way I knew was impossible for anyone else to.
He leaned with one shoulder on the wall while some girl with long brown hair nearly climbed his body, inching up to whisper something in his ear. His head tilted back, and I caught a flash of his gorgeous face before he leaned back into her.
This was why he was here.
An ache unlike anything I’d ever felt pierced me all the way to my core.
I wasn’t angry with Christian. He’d never tried to hide this from me. Had never lied and had never promised me anything. And the little he’d asked me for, I’d immediately shot down.
It didn’t mean seeing him here, like this, didn’t hurt like I’d been thrown into the deepest, most excruciating pit in Hell.
I couldn’t be here.
Turning, I fled. I shoved through the heated crowd. They mumbled and stared as I forced them out of my way. I couldn’t bring myself to care about how rude I was being. I tore out the door. I didn’t bother to wait for the elevator. Instead, I grappled with the metal latch and flung the stairwell door open wide. My footsteps pounded on the cement stairs, echoed in my ears as labored breaths panted from my mouth.
With burdened feet, I stumbled outside. Cool air clashed with my flaming skin, and I bent over and tried to catch my breath.
Stupid, stupid girl
. I’d been a fool for allowing this to happen.
I pulled out my phone, typed out the easiest excuse I could find, and pressed send.
Then I ran from the one thing in my life I wanted most.
Chapter Six
Christian
I tried to ignore the way I felt when Elizabeth left my side to find the restroom, but it was impossible. I downed the rest of my beer, hoping it’d cover the sudden void inside that told me I was missing something.
“Dude, you wouldn’t believe how fucking funny it was. You should have been there.” Kenny leaned in close to my ear so I could hear him tell the story about a girl he’d seen crash into three different cars in a parking lot when he’d ventured into New Jersey the weekend before. “She had to be the dumbest bitch I’ve ever seen in my life.”
I struggled to pay attention.
But my only focus was this strange sensation, how my hand burned from the first true contact I’d ever had with Elizabeth. I’d taken her hand to give her reassurance because she was all jerky with nervous energy, as if we were getting ready to enter the place where her worst nightmares were bred. It was just to give her a little comfort, a simple gesture to remind her I was there, but then it turned out I was the one who couldn’t let
go. I was only holding her hand, for fuck’s sake, and now it was all I could think about. I felt singed from the inside out, or maybe the outside in, I couldn’t really tell. It was all encompassing. I was beginning to think the resolution I’d made months before was a mistake, because I was hard just from holding a girl’s hand. I really needed to get laid.
Truth was, Elizabeth was slowly driving me insane. Physically. Emotionally. Completely. The urge to reach out and touch her again was killing me, to run my fingers across her face and over her lips. To push it further, to push
her
further, to end this madness that had me spun up, teetering at the cusp, so close to spinning me out of control.
Everything had been great for the last couple of months. Perfect, really. We spent so much time together, I’d almost become accustomed to the physical ache she left burning inside me. I pretended it didn’t build, that each time I opened the door to find Elizabeth’s face smiling up at me in my doorway, I didn’t come one step closer to snapping, to taking her and living out every single one of the fantasies that played through my mind at night. In them, I’d had her everywhere, in my bed, the shower, the floor, time and time again on my couch where she sat and unwittingly teased and taunted me night after night.
Tonight was proof of just how close I was coming to the edge.
“They finally got her out of the car, and this girl was standing there, stumbling all over the place in these slutty heels,” Kenny continued on.
Why was I here again? Listening to this? Usually, I liked to be here, to unwind, to listen to trivial stories that meant nothing.
But with Elizabeth here, it felt like a weakness, a fool’s waste of time.
Glancing back out the entryway, my eyes traveled the crowd. Elizabeth had only been gone a couple seconds, but I couldn’t shake the nagging thoughts telling me I shouldn’t have let her out of my sight. It was stupid to bring her here, but there was no way I could sit in the confines of my apartment after listening to my father’s bullshit. I was sick of it. I thought maybe once I moved out and started my own life, my father would let up and let go. But he was just as overbearing as he’d been since I was a little boy. A tyrant who expected only the best, something he made quite clear I didn’t have a chance of living up to.
Plus, I’d already committed to coming here, but I couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving Elizabeth alone in front of her building tonight. Somehow when she was around, I felt…
better
. I needed her.
Tom appeared at my side, clapping me on the shoulder. The guy was trashed, which was no surprise. I smirked at him. “What’s up?”
“So you finally let Elizabeth out to play.” He cocked his head to the side in the direction where Elizabeth had disappeared. “Now I get why you’ve been hiding from us the last couple of months…or where you’ve been hiding. That shit is hot.”
A swell of protectiveness broke over me. My fists curled, but I forced the reaction down. “It’s not like that.”
“So you wouldn’t mind if I went for her?”
“Yeah, I’d fucking mind. She’s my best friend. Do you think I’m going to let some asshole like you touch her?”
Tom laughed, not for a second offended.
“Your best friend, huh? Thought that was my title.” His eyes gleamed as he razzed me, a clear insinuation he’d been hinting at for months, one I’d continually denied.
“Quit being a dick.” I shrugged it off. “We’re just friends.”
As I said it, I lifted up on my toes, straining to see over the heads littering the room. Anxiety knocked at my ribs. Where the hell was she? If one of these losers even thought about messing with her, I was going to lose it. I rushed an uneasy hand through my hair, hoping for calm. Stupid. Reckless to bring her here.
I looked back at Tom who was staring at me with straight-out disbelief. Then he cracked up, loud and raucous. “You, my friend, are completely fucked. You might as well give it up because I don’t believe a word you’re saying. Pretty sure you don’t, either.”
He was still laughing when he walked away.
I made the conscious decision to ignore him and the implications of his words. I moved into the main room and leaned against the wall so I could watch for Elizabeth. As always, the room was dimmed, Sam’s apartment primed for the perfect party. Loud music pounded in my ears, the feel chaotic as bodies moved. Fuzziness eddied around my vision, and with both palms, I scrubbed my face to clear it, wishing I’d thought better than to have drunk so much with Elizabeth being here tonight.
Disquiet gripped me tight. I couldn’t help it. She was here with me. My responsibility. It was more than that, though. The thought of anyone looking at her, let alone touching her, sent a swirl of nausea thrashing through my already raw stomach. But how could I claim her when I didn’t even trust myself with her? I mean, I cared about her. A lot. The problem was, I knew myself too well, the fleeting interest that passed just as quickly as it came. I refused to lose my best friend to my own stupidity and selfishness.
But God, this was getting unbearable.
A hand wrapped around my wrist before a hot body flattened against my side. “There you are.” Locks of dark brown hair obstructed my view, pushed into my space. Every weekend, it was the same.
I shook my head, irritated. “What do you want, Rachel?”
She pouted before she stretched up on her toes to whisper in my ear. “You.”
Jerking my head back, I glared at her, unable to fathom how one girl could be so clueless. “Haven’t I turned you down enough?”
She ran a single fingertip down the length of my face.
I recoiled.
“One of these days, you’ll be begging me.”
That wasn’t going to happen. She had to be the most disgusting slut I knew. A few months ago, I might not have minded. Maybe. Even then, I had some discretion. But now… Not a chance. Just the thought of her touching me had my skin crawling.
“The only thing I’m begging you for is to leave me alone.”
“Whatever…your loss.”
Rachel walked away, still looking at me over her shoulder, like somehow the exaggerated sway of her hips would send me chasing after her. She blended in with the mob, lost in the jumble.
With her out of the way, my attention jumped from one person to the next, searching for the only face I wanted to see. A tremor of agitation rolled through my muscles. I flexed my fists and shook it off.
Shouldn’t she be out by now?