The Road to Redemption (18 page)

What he couldn’t see through all this, was a young doctor with spectacles observing him through a small window. He also could not have seen her fetch Dr Smith, who also observed him for a time and then go into Dr Rush’s office and have a long conversation with her, about how they should treat him.

Chapter 19  An Awakening

A soft voice was saying

“Wake up John. John are you OK?”

He opened his eyes. He was still on the floor where he had fallen asleep. But light was streaming into the room now. He could see a pair of women’s legs standing over him. They were attractive. He looked up and saw that it was Dr Rush.

“John, I want you to talk to me. Where are you?”

He looked around.

“I’m in the room those two guys over there put me in.” The two orderlies were standing near the door.  “What time is it?”

“You have been asleep since yesterday afternoon, its now 10 am in the morning.” As she said this, having decided John was not a threat, she made an away signal with her hand and the two orderlies left the room. She continued,

“You seem to have settled down a bit since yesterday. What I want you to do now is to get up, go next door to the bathroom and freshen up, then come and see me in my office. Are you OK to do that John?”

“Yes,” he said slowly getting to his feet, “I’m OK.”

He took his time in the bathroom, then finally knocked on Dr Rush’s door

“Come in, how are you really feeling John?” she asked, ushering him in and indicating for him to sit in the furthest away, of her visitor’s chairs. As she said this, she got up from her desk and closed the door. Instead of returning to her chair behind the desk, she sat down in her other visitors’ chair, so the were face to face. He couldn’t help noticing up close that she had very nice features, despite the glasses and hair pulled back.

Actually, John was feeling a bit better as he had finally had a long sleep.

“You’re not going to have me scheduled.... are you Dr Rush?” John asked nervously. He was addressing her by her correct title and not being a smart alec any more.

“No, but if you carry on again like yesterday we might have to,” she responded.

“I am really truly sorry about yesterday. I swear it will never happen again. I had no idea that they would go into a frenzy like that.” He apologised again saying it wouldn’t happen again.

“Well it better not.” Her voice was firm. “You seem to have quite a few issues that you seem to be unable to deal with John.” She paused for a moment to let it sink in,

“You also seem to have been transferring your thoughts, onto Dr Smith.”

“What does that mean?” Asked John

“Somehow, Dr Smith must to remind you of your father-in-law. You seem to have been redirecting your hatred for your father-in-law, onto Dr Smith. I can tell you John, Dr Smith is a fine psychiatrist. He has been running this hospital for 20 years and was one of the main reasons I came to work here. He is not interested to probe unnecessarily into your sex life, or anything else for that matter.”  She paused then continued,

“However seeing that you have developed an intense disliking for him, with your transference, we have decided that I will be your therapist while you are here. I am going to meet with you for about an hour at least twice a week. We will see how you go.”

“Will I be able to go to the group sessions?” asked John

“As I said we will have to see. It all depends on you John. I certainly don’t want you to attend group for the next few days. Do you have any idea what you were doing in that room yesterday?”

“Not really,” said John “ All I know is that I was extremely angry and frustrated. More angry and frustrated that I have ever been.”

“Dr Smith and I think you were de-compensating.”

Again John looked puzzled.

“It means you let down all your defense mechanisms, in response to the stress you have been under,” she continued,

“That is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact if you are prepared to learn from it, it can actually be a big first step in your recovery.”

“How's that?” asked John

“When people have things worrying them, that they can’t find an answer to, it puts them under a lot of stress. Sometimes you need to let it all out, so you can start to deal with it.”

She certainly knew her stuff this young psychologist, thought John. And to think I didn’t show her any respect.

He apologised again,

“I’m truly sorry Dr Rush.”

It’s OK John.” Her voice was warmer, “I don’t mind if you call me Janet, when we are in these sessions alone, but I would prefer if you called me by my correct title in front of other patients.”

“I will,” said John.

“John, I believe I can help you, but only if you are prepared to listen to me and do what I tell you.” She continued,

“Yesterday, you acted out in an extreme manner. I think your problems can be overcome, if you are prepared to let me help you. I am noticing that your attitude towards me, seems to already be changing today.” She paused looking at her watch,

“I can’t do much with you today and you need to settle down, after all that acting out you were doing yesterday.”

John gave her a guilty look.

“I want you just to take it easy today. I saw that you have a book. Why don’t you find somewhere quiet and sit and read that. I’ll see you at 10:30 tomorrow morning, 10:30 sharp.”

John wandered back to his bed, got his book and sat in a chair on the veranda at the front of the hospital. He fluctuated between reading his book about Steve McQueen and thinking about how he had acted out the day before and what Dr Rush...Janet had said to him.

Late in the afternoon the young suicide girl came and sat in the chair beside him.

“Hello Sandra,” he greeted her.

“Hi John,” she had also remembered his name.

.

“I’m really sorry about what happened yesterday at the group discussion.”

“That’s OK,” she didn’t seem to be too worried about it.

She sat there for a while and seemed to want to talk a bit. They discussed the birds they could see in the garden and also the types of flowers they could see.

The dinner bell went and they walked inside together.

Next morning John knocked on Dr Rush’s door right at 10:30 am.

“Come in and close the door John,” They sat down the same way as the day before.

After pleasantries about whether he had slept well, she got down to business.

“I want you to tell me all about yourself starting with your childhood,” said Janet

After a slow start John began to talk. Once he got going he just talked and talked, with Dr Rush asking questions, every now and again. He told her about how he had been brought up in the western suburbs, had not done particularly well at school but had been good at sport. She asked him why he had not done well at school? It turned out he had done well in his earlier years, in fact he had been top of the class, but when he had got older his grades had slipped. He had been doing the gardening business, which left him little time for study. He said how his parents were working class people and seemed happy with their lot in the suburbs, but that he had always wanted more than that.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself John,” she had said

Then he got on to talking about his wife and how she had come from a quite wealthy family and how his father-in-law, had not thought he was good enough for his daughter. She probed him quite a lot about this area of his life.

After about an hour she said,

“Well that seems to be a pretty normal upbringing John and I don’t see that you have any major issues with your parents. But you do seem to have issues with your wife and especially your father-in-law, however I think that will do us for today.” She was looking tired from concentrating for so long on what he had been saying.

“ The best way I like to handle things in a situation like yours is to deal with the things that are worrying you, one at a time. So for today, I would like you to go away now and think about why you hate your father-in-law so much. You can write things down on a piece of paper if you wish. Come and see me at 10:30 am the day after tomorrow and we will discuss it.”

John didn’t know it but his Cognitive Behavioural Therapy had just begun.

He left her office and walked slowly down the corridor. Why did he hate George so much? The question plagued him all afternoon, as he sat on the veranda at the hospital entrance. Was it because George was a pompous ass? Not really there were plenty of them around. Was it because George didn’t approve of his marriage to Audry? Yes that was part of it. Was it because George thought he was better than him, because he came from the western suburbs? Maybe. Was it because George treated him like a servant and walked around like he owned the place, every time he came to visit? That was true also.

After dinner John kept thinking about it. He thought about how he and Audry had been secret lovers, when they were teenagers. How they had to have a shotgun wedding and how the world he had come from, was totally different to Audry’s. He became sad as he thought about recent events and how their marriage had deteriorated.

Later, “Nurse Rached” came around and gave him a sleeping tablet. It was a cooler night and eventually he drifted off, into a restless sleep.

Next day was pretty uneventful and late in the afternoon he ended up on the front veranda again, sitting next to Sandra, the young suicide girl. She seemed to be in a mood to talk about more meaningful things today. John remembered how Dr Rush had tried to start the group discussion by getting her to talk about how parents influence the way we think. He found she was ready to discuss this with him today. As she was talking, his mind wandered back to his own problems. He kept thinking about the words “parents influence their children.”

Suddenly, he had what he thought was a breakthrough in his thinking. It was more to do with how George had messed up Audry and how she was now passing it on to his children. George had fucked up Audry and now she was fucking up the kids. Yes that must be it.

The following morning they sat down again at 10:30 and chatted for a while about his married life, when Dr Rush asked him:

“How did you go with your homework John?”

John explained how he felt a lot of his hatred for George was because he had fucked up his daughter and she was now passing it onto his kids.  He finished by making a general statement,

“Each generation seems to pass their “stuff” onto the next one.”

At this point Dr Rush came in,

“That might well be true John but have you ever thought that the reason you hate your father-in-law so much, is that you might actually be a lot like him?

This came at John right out of left field. But Janet had already surprised him with how perceptive she was, so he had to give it some thought.

“I’m nothing like him,“ said John raising his voice in anger.

“Do you realize you’re raising you’re voice?” queried Janet

“That's because I’m absolutely nothing like him, nothing like him at all. How could you even suggest such a thing?”

“ Well you may be right,” said Dr Rush trying to get him to focus, rather than get lost in his anger,

“But sometimes people get angry when they don’t want to accept the truth.”