Ordinarily, though, her forays into his territory delight him, as does word play of any kind, from challenging verse forms (at nine years old I am acquainted with Spenserian stanzas and enjambments) to crossword puzzles, anagrams, clever song lyrics, horrible puns and his own name—Sawyer—shortened, when he entered professional life, to Saw so that he could introduce himself as Saw Kirk the law clerk. Scrabble he is addicted to, and he would prefer a Scrabble party, but my mother says the wives are too stupid.
On the morning of the party she goes to the beauty parlour as she does every Saturday morning, but instead of her normal pageboy she gets her hair pulled back into a French sweep, which shows off her tiny ears and her white neck, precariously long it seems to me, in danger of drooping. Back home, she washes and pin-curls my hair, then sets about doing her normal daily chores: scrubbing the floors and sinks, the toilet, vacuuming the carpets and
Venetian
blinds, waving the vacuum nozzle through the air to suck up dust before it settles, but dusting anyway, her mood sour at the thought of the wives, with their dyed hair and girdles, tramping through her house. After lunch, while my father hides in his study, she gets down to the deep cleaning that charades night demands. With a paring knife she gouges
out dirt from between the floorboards. She shines a flashlight on all the walls to reveal fingerprints, and here, because my eyesight is sharper than hers, I can be of assistance. We are a good team—zealous, aghast. “There!” I point, and she pounces.
Once the walls are immaculate, I am idle until it is time to pour pretzels and peanuts into bowls and dab Cheez Whiz into celery sticks. Late in the afternoon, while my mother tries on a half-dozen outfits before deciding what to wear, her spirits elevate to wry and I can make her laugh by telling some of my memorized jokes as if they feature the two wives she despises most: Mrs. LaPierre and Mrs. Todd. “If ignorance is bliss, Mrs. LaPierre should be one happy gal.” “Mrs. Todd is so ugly that when she makes tea she can’t even get the kettle to whistle.” To me the jokes are either inscrutable or not very funny, and yet I know the humour is cruel and I know what a traitor is and when the wives arrive and compliment my dress and already sagging ringlets, shame makes me sullen and my mother flourishes her cigarette and says they should ignore me.
At the last party, two weeks before she disappears, she says to Mrs. LaPierre,“Miss Congeniality, Louise is not.”
Provided I keep quiet, I am allowed to stay up and watch the game. There are five couples, including my parents, and whatever team my mother is on always wins. It’s uncanny how quickly she can translate someone’s smallest gesture into the title of a book or movie. You see one of the wives or husbands all geared up for a pantomime, grinning, preening, circling a fist at one ear (“Movie!”), holding up
four fingers (“Four words!”), holding up three fingers (“Third word!”), then opening their hands and eyes to convey pleasurable surprise.
“It’s a Wonderful Life”
says my mother, sounding a little bored, a little contemptuous.
“Right,” the stunned person says.
“Objection!” one of the husbands quips. “Sustained!” from one of the others. “Request for an adjournment!”— that sort of talk.
The husbands joke and drink hard liquor, and the looks they sling my mother are empty and frequent. Mr. LaPierre, once he starts slurring, paws at her when she passes too close to his chair, follows her into the kitchen and slobbers into her neck while she absently swats his jowls. Mr. Todd invites her to punch his stomach; she is the only wife he extends that honour to. She gives him a soft sock in the mouth, and he kisses her knuckles. If such behaviour makes my father jealous, he doesn’t show it. He’s too happy on charades night, he wants everyone to have a great time. And of the husbands, he’s the most handsome with his black hair slicked to his head like paint, a square-jawed man, tall and gangly, thick leaping eyebrows, long-lashed brown eyes capable only of drastic expression—exhilaration, terror, anguish—and pleasantly loose boned in his blue gabardine suit as he careens through a charade or strides around the room, which he does constantly, there not being enough chairs.
When the husbands play against the wives, my mother, who I notice never places herself too close to any of the
other women, perches on the kitchen stool while the wives cram together on the chesterfield. The wives are all attractive enough, but next to my mother, with her delicate head, champagne hair and slim white limbs, they are swarthy and dwarfish and know themselves to be, you can tell by the looks they give her, which are uneasy or too bright or, in Mrs. LaPierre’s case, when she believes herself to be unobserved, purely miserable.
As for my mother, she tends to look around the room. I imagine she is judging the effect of having rearranged the furniture and hidden her beauty-queen trophies in the broom closet. (One day I will decide that, at the final party, anyway, those looks were her debating whether or not our house made living with my father and me worth the tedium.) Why put the trophies in a closet, though, why not broadcast the official proof of her physical supremacy? Because she worries about the drunken husbands knocking them off our rickety end tables? Probably. Partly. And partly because she’s shy.
Yes, shy. I say this not as a child watching the party from the floor, squeezed between the dining-room wall and the stereo cabinet, but as a woman only four years younger than my mother was when she disappeared. I know more about her life now; my father has finally told me. I’d always known about her being an only child, but I’d thought she had grown up in luxury and that her father had died after she’d left home. It turns out he died when she was only six months old and that the white house she’d once described to me—white walls inside and out, white tile floors—wasn’t something she could have remembered because a
year after the funeral Grandma Hahn sold it to pay off the creditors. She and my mother then moved into an apartment, a good-sized place in a respectable downtown Montreal neighbourhood, only by that time Grandma Hahn had given up on life. “Abandoned ship,” as my father put it. All she cared about was going to seances so that she could conjure up Grandpa Hahn and yell at him for reading the books of French poetry she believed had brought on his brain cancer. Around the apartment nothing got done: unwashed dishes sat in the sink, a pile of dirty laundry sat next to Grandma Hahn’s bed for so long that she started using it to hold her ashtray and bottles of pills. More than once the superintendent had to order a fumigation.
How all that would have humiliated my mother. But it’s what gave her the gumption to make something of herself, or so my father believes. And yet she never bragged about her years as a beauty queen and then as a top professional model in Montreal. And it’s not as if she showed herself off outside the house or even ordered clothes from exclusive shops. Compliments annoyed her so much that my father found it more profitable to be insulting. “
That’s
a dress? I thought it was a gunny sack, a feed bag …” This being ridicule, she squawked. She knew what she looked like, and who in Greenwoods had enough taste to influence her own opinion of herself? Oh, she was arrogant, all right. But shy, too, I think. How to make friends was probably nothing she’d ever learned, and so with the exception of Mrs. Bendy (another misfit) she steered clear of people and the possibility of their prying into her life, gossiping about her, judging.
But what
about
her squawk? Can somebody with a laugh
like that be called shy? I suppose it depends on whether or not she hears herself. I don’t think my mother did. She was tone deaf, which didn’t stop her from singing along to blues songs on the radio (all those songs about women crying and carrying on—behaviour she would certainly have ridiculed had she encountered it in real life).
The effect of her laugh at the charades party, her first laugh of the night provoked by a particularly foolish guess or off-colour remark, was dramatic. The wives touched their throats, the men’s heads snapped back. They’d heard that laugh on other occasions, they must have been expecting it. Still. From then on the atmosphere loosened, so it seemed to me. A laugh that can shatter glass tends to break the ice.
A couple of months after she disappeared, my father said—to my amazement—“I miss her laugh.”
Disappear
is the verb my father uses, for months the only one. To him, her defection is so sudden and unforeseeable that anybody who says she “left” or “ran off” gets a long-winded correction. Leaving and running off are not, he points out, the sort of actions that occur instantaneously. What my mother did—defrost the refrigerator freezer one day and put a goodbye note on it the next (in fact, there was no goodbye, only: “I have gone. I am not coming back. Louise knows how to work the washing machine”)—he equates with the snap of a finger and the great mysteries.
He doesn’t doubt that a man, fancy Dan, more or less hypnotized her. This man he quickly broods into complexity. “A towhead,” he says,“a blond.” He says that my
mother has a soft spot for blonds like herself, and for moustaches, so Dan sports a weaselly pencil moustache. He’s a “two-bit wheeler-dealer,” he peels hundred-dollar bills from a fat wad, he files his nails, his ties are pure silk, his hats cashmere, Dan knows his fabrics, nothing but a “flim-flam man,” and the worst of it is, my mother isn’t the first happily married woman he has made disappear.
Or vamoose, or fly the coop, high-tail it. By summer, the sacred verb has spawned synonyms.
But even then, when his shock has slackened to gloom, my father sticks to his theory that she left in a thrall, on a whim: “You don’t defrost the freezer one day, and the very next day …”
Yes, you do. Just as you buy a dress one morning and send it back the next. Not that I voice my opinion. I know as soon as I see her goodbye note that on charades night she was counting the days. After the last husband and wife were out the door, I said,“Mommy, you were the best player,” and she waved away her cigarette smoke to get a good look at me, then stroked my face with the back of her fingers and said,“Honey” (she had never before called me honey),“nobody would believe you were my daughter.”
If she took me with her, she meant.
In the car, on the way home from the party, I don’t defend myself except to say,“I had no idea he’d be there.” Tim snorts, then falls silent, leaving me free to look out my window and think about Abel.
I’m meeting him tomorrow morning at nine o’clock on the Bloor-Yonge subway platform, but we have only an hour because at two o’clock he and his father are flying back to Vancouver. How will I bear to let him go again? “Oh, God,” I murmur, and Tim, taking this for remorse, says,“It’s a little late to be having second thoughts.”
I glance over.
“I mean, Jesus Christ—” He punches the steering wheel. “How do you know you’re not knocked up?”
We are parked outside my house. I’m still so stoned that I don’t remember the car even coming to a stop let alone turning into the subdivision. I open my door. “Don’t worry,” I say.
“I’m
not worried,” he mutters.
Neither am I. Or at least not
very
worried. Off and on throughout the night his throttled “knocked up” slithers into my ecstasy, but then I reassure myself that I’ve just finished my period, I’m not in the fertile part of my cycle. I thrash around in bed, kicking off the sheets, amazed at
myself, my womanliness. I’m not a virgin any more. I’m Abel’s lover. Abel and I have made love.
Near dawn I get up and begin taking in the legs of my baggy, out-of-style blue jeans, and as we don’t own a sewing machine, I stitch them by hand. After that there’s no time to wash my hair, so I coil it on top of my head and hold it in place with two of my mother’s teak combs. I find a charcoal pencil among her cosmetics and outline my eyes, then eat a handful of Corn Flakes straight from the box and race out of the house to catch the seven-thirty bus.
An hour and a half later, only a few minutes past nine, I arrive at the Bloor-Yonge subway stop. Abel is already there, leaning against a pillar and reading a newspaper. From a distance he looked like a twenty-five-year-old rock musician, but when I get closer and he glances up he looks his age, not nearly as self-assured as somebody that handsome has a right to be.
“Hi,” he says, dropping the newspaper into a garbage pail.
“Hi.”
We smile at each other. I touch the jagged scar above his right eye from when a boy named Jerry Kochonowski threw a brick at him. He touches the combs in my hair. I take his hand and kiss it and he puts his arm around me and we walk out of the station into the torrid morning, the pavement already warm under my sandals. He’s wearing the same clothes as the night before: the cowboy boots and bell-bottomed blue jeans, the white T-shirt, which smells of marijuana. When I tell him this he says it’s a different shirt
but that he had a joint for breakfast. A joint and a couple of bottles of beer.
“Really? What did your father say?”
“He was still sleeping, but he wouldn’t have cared. Not about the beer, anyway. In Germany, even little kids drink beer. A watered-down version.”
“For breakfast, though!”
“It’s an old family tradition.”
I laugh. ‘Yeah, sure.”
“I meant my real mother.”
“Oh.” I let out a breath.
“She died. Just last month.”
I come to a stop. “How do you know?”
“Somebody from the church phoned my parents.”
“What church?”
“Where I lived. Before I was adopted.”
When he was eighteen months old, his mother left him at an orphanage that operated out of the basement of a downtown Toronto church. Mrs. Richter was the one who told me this. She spoke of the place with a kind of reverent amazement, how clean and quiet it was, the high polish on the tile floors and the whiteness of the bed linen. ‘You could hear a pin!” she said, and, of course, she meant you could hear a pin
drop,
but for many years I imagined such a divine hush that the pins in ladies’ hats and orphans’ clothing hummed like tuning forks.