Authors: Noelle Marchand
The truth was he’d become so invested in his relationship with Lorelei that it was making him a little crazy. The more he thought about it and the more he played along, the more he really began to hate this game of pretend he and Lorelei were involved in. He hated wondering if the town would find his proposal too sudden and start asking questions he wouldn’t want answered. But most of all, he hated the way he wasn’t sure himself how real their courtship was, for him or for her. They’d been getting along so much better recently, but was the new cordiality real, or was Lorelei just keeping up appearances? And what about him? Were his feelings for her truly growing?
He probably shouldn’t have told her that he found her irresistible when she wasn’t acting like someone she wasn’t. It was true though. He realized that they’d finally been able to create a friendship. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t the type of person he’d planned on spending his life with, but they were getting married. That meant he needed to do something that would start them on a path that would eventually lead to love. But would he end up on that path alone?
He closed his eyes against the dizziness and heard a door open down the hall. Grateful for the distraction, Sean glanced up to see Doc Williams walking toward him. “How is she?”
“She should be fine. I’m going to watch her for a while to make sure the treatment is working. She asked me to take her home after that.”
Ellie slipped up to Sean and nudged him softly in the ribs. “I guess that’s our cue to leave.”
“I guess so.” He reached down to grab his Stetson.
“Tell her we’ll be praying for her,” Ellie urged.
“I’ll do that,” Doc promised.
Ellie stepped up to press a kiss on Doc’s cheek. “Bye, Doc.”
Sean shook Doc’s hand. When he would have let go, Doc held on. He glanced up to find the man looking at him carefully. “Actually, Ellie, I’d like to speak with Sean alone.”
Ellie nodded. “I’ll wait at your office, Sean.”
Before Sean had a chance to respond, Doc released his hand and turned back down the hallway he’d just walked. Sean followed him in confusion. Doc motioned Sean into an empty examination room. “Sit down, Sean.”
“What’s wrong?”
Doc took the chair across from him, pulled out a notepad and looked him in the eye. “How long have you been having this panic problem?”
Shock stilled his rapidly beating heart for a moment before it resumed its quick pace. He shifted in his chair, then stared at the door. So that’s what these episodes were called. He wasn’t sure if he was more alarmed or relieved to know what they were. His gaze shot back to Doc’s. “How did you know?”
“I felt your racing heart during our rather moist handshake, you seem short of breath and if the look in your eyes tells me anything, you are feeling an unexplained sense of terror or lack of control right now.” He didn’t wait for Sean’s confirmation. “Do any other symptoms usually occur along with or instead of these?”
He swallowed. “Dizziness.”
Doc marked it down, then nodded for him to continue. “When did you first begin to have these episodes?”
“After my parents’ deaths.”
Doc put down his pencil. “I’m not surprised, but I am concerned that you have not mentioned this to me before. Does your family know?”
“Should they?”
Doc smiled slightly. “It isn’t fatal, if that’s what you’re asking. Telling them is up to you.”
“Is there a cure?”
“That depends. Do you know what triggers them?”
Sean was thoughtful for a long moment. “Thinking about certain things like situations I can’t control.”
“A loss of control due to outside pressures,” Doc muttered as he wrote in his tablet. He glanced up. “In that case, I would suggest you find someone to confide in. Talking about what’s wrong rather than internalizing it, will probably help. Also, how often during those moments do you pray and surrender the situation to God?”
“I pray…sometimes.” He swallowed.
“I see.” Doc leaned forward. “In medicine we have vaccines. That means to keep someone from contracting diseases such as smallpox we give them smallpox in a little dose. Once the body builds defenses against the small dose, it can fight off a stronger infection. In my opinion, the best vaccine for the panic you feel when giving up control is to give up control in small ways until you can do it comfortably in large ways.”
Sean’s smile was wry. “So to treat panic I need to panic.”
Doc laughed. “Yes, because the point is to learn how to deal with that panic.”
“If I do that, will I finally be able to overcome this?”
“With time, I hope that you will.”
He wanted to overcome this, and if that meant he needed to give up a little bit of control, then maybe he could do that. The biggest source of stress for him was his relationship with Lorelei. What had he thought earlier? He needed to start them on a path toward love. That meant taking a chance. That was a form of giving up control, wasn’t it? Perhaps it was time to be honest with himself and with Lorelei. He was tired of playing pretend. He wanted a real relationship with her. For once, he’d take a risk. He’d approach Lorelei and ask her to let him court her for real. Maybe, just maybe, she’d say yes. Perhaps that would help him shake this panic once and for all.
Chapter Fourteen
S
itting on the wooden bench of her parents’ back lawn the next afternoon, Lorelei placed her pencil back onto the paper. It was the first time she’d ventured out of the house since Doc had helped her drowsily inside. Whatever medicine he’d given her had been enough to fell a horse. She’d slept her way past the effects of the allergy and the medication to awaken feeling healthy and strong again. Now that she didn’t have a job and Silas Smithson hadn’t contacted her, she figured she might as well try a new hobby. Obviously drawing wasn’t going to be it. She drew line after line with her pencil, but no matter how many lines she drew, she couldn’t come up with a flower.
A shadow suddenly covered her drawing pad. She frowned and glanced up at the sky for the offending cloud only to meet the shimmering deep green eyes of Sean O’Brien. She jumped. Her drawing pad tottered violently before diving into the grass. Glancing back up at Sean, she uttered a single slightly disappointed word. “Oh.”
His lips stretched slowly into an amused grin. “That isn’t exactly the kind of hello a man dreams about.”
She couldn’t help but return his smile. He watched her for a moment before he knelt in the grass to retrieve her things. She took them from him, then carefully swung her feet down and scooted to one side to make room for him on the bench. He sat beside her but angled himself so he could see her face. She shrugged in a delayed response to his statement. “Maybe not, but do you realize that I’ve seen you nearly every day this week?”
He angled his chin down and leveled her with a teasingly suspicious look. “Are you complaining?”
She lifted her shoulders while innocently placing a hand on her chest. “Complaining? Oh, no. I was just commenting about it, that’s all.”
He gave her an easy grin. “Yeah, well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to get used to it, darlin’.”
She narrowed her eyes, ready to tell him just who he wouldn’t be calling darling. He unnerved her into silence by sliding his arm across the back of the bench and leaning toward her. She forgot to breathe when he met her gaze. He gestured toward the drawing pad. “What’s this?”
“My failed attempts at drawing.” She shoved the drawing pad toward him. He seemed to take the hint because he took the pad and moved closer to his side of the bench. She watched him look over her drawings.
“These aren’t so bad.” He held his hand out for the pencil.
She handed it to him, glad to see him engrossed in something other than staring at her, even if it was correcting her mistakes. She smoothed down the wrinkles in her dress. Finally, she grew impatient. “Don’t tell me you came all the way over here just to look at my awful drawings.”
“I might have troubled myself to walk all of those three long blocks between our houses just to look at your drawings, if I’d known ahead of time you were drawing, but I didn’t.” He flourished one last stroke of the pencil, then handed the drawing pad back to her. “They weren’t awful.”
She stared down at the paper in astonishment. “You fixed them.”
“I moved a few lines.”
“You must have.” She brushed away a clump of small scarlet flowers that fell onto the page from the crape myrtle branches that stretched above them. “How did you learn to draw?”
“I sketch the designs for the furniture and wood carvings I make now and then. It’s just a hobby.” He shifted to face her. “Lorelei, I came here to say something, so I may as well say it. I want to court you for real.”
She stared at him for a long moment. His words just didn’t make any sense. She frowned at him and shook her head in confusion. “Whatever for?”
“Aren’t you tired of putting on an act, Lorelei? If we were really courting, we wouldn’t have to do that anymore. We would just have to live.”
“What’s wrong with acting?” she asked, setting her drawing pad and the pencil on the grass.
“Besides the facts that it’s slightly deceptive and that neither of us are very good at it?” He laughed. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think we can even come close to convincing the town we’re really a couple if we don’t make this courtship legitimate. Remember what Mrs. Greene said?”
Leaning back into the corner of the bench, she sighed. “I remember.”
“Peppin is too small to hide anything. How long do you think we can keep up a ruse like this before someone finds out? This way we may have to act like our relationship is progressing faster than it really is, but at least there would be a genuine relationship.”
She could feel her heartbeat drumming through her veins. He was threatening to out-reason her. She couldn’t let that happen. “I really don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Just forget about the town for a minute. Forget that we’re pretending. Forget everything else and think about this.” He took her left hand in his right and looked her straight in the eye. “We’re getting married, Lorelei. We’ve already established that we’re going to have a real marriage. Shouldn’t we also have a real courtship?”
“No,” she whispered as she removed her hand from his. “I don’t want it to be real.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t,” she said urgently.
He dropped his head for a moment, then quietly asked, “Do you really dislike me that much?”
“Dislike you?” she asked in a breathless exclamation. She turned away from his disconcerting scrutiny to try to control her emotions. She had suppressed them for so long that they refused to be contained any longer. She stood. Pressing her lips together, she turned to face him. Once the words finally came out, she couldn’t seem to stop the rest that followed.
“I never disliked you, Sean. I loved you once, or at least I thought I did. I let all of those silly emotions go. I moved on. I was even going to find a new life for myself in California, then you had the nerve follow me. Now, after everything I’ve gone through, you say that you want to court me for real because that will make things easier on you.”
Her breath was coming in short gasps. She paused to catch her breath and tried to remember why she was telling him all this.
Oh, yes.
“The answer to your question is no. No, Sean. I don’t dislike you. Well, maybe I do just a little for good reason, but that’s not why I don’t want you to court me. It will just confuse everything and take the focus off what we’re supposed to be doing—fooling the town into thinking we’re falling in love.”
She waited for shame and fear to follow that statement, but it didn’t. Instead, she felt a burden lift from her soul only to be replaced by peace. There. She’d said it. She’d told him exactly how she felt and now she felt free. Finally, free from the secret that had weighed her down for years. It felt wonderful. It also left her feeling exposed.
Sean slowly stood and stepped directly in front of her. As the moment lengthened, curiosity eventually drew her eyes to his. What she saw there wasn’t at all what she expected. She had no idea what emotions glimmered from those depths, but there was no trace of mocking or disgust. It wasn’t until a slow half amused, half confused smile pulled at his lips that she knew she was in trouble.
* * *
Sean watched the blush in Lorelei’s cheeks heighten incrementally. His amused smile grew even as he tilted his head to survey her in confusion. “Wait a minute! Did I just hear you say you love me?”
If possible, her eyes widened even more, and she shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You heard me say ‘I loved you.’”
He frowned, not seeing the difference.
“It was past tense,” she carefully explained.
“Oh, I see.” He nodded. “It was very clumsy of me to make that kind of a mistake. There is a very large difference in loving someone and having loved someone.”
She frowned with a trace of suspicion. “I should say so.”
“Then I take it back. You are an extremely good actress. I had no idea.”
Her lips parted in surprise, though her brows lowered in suspicion. “You really couldn’t tell? Not even when we were younger?”
He shook his head. She looked at him carefully as if trying to discern the truth of his statement. Obviously finding something wanting, she tilted her head and pinned him with a look before slowly asking, “Then why don’t you look more surprised?”
For the first time during their exchange, he felt slightly uncomfortable. “Lawson recently guessed you might feel that way.”
“Lawson guessed,” she repeated thoughtfully, then shook her head. “Well, now you know he was right. I hope you also understand that I’ve refused to let you court me.”
“Hold on. I think you’ve got something wrong. I’m not
asking
you to let me court you for real. I’m
telling
you. I’m going to court you for real.”
Her mouth dropped open, then she narrowed her eyes. “You can’t do that.”
He hadn’t planned on it—and even now he could feel an edge of panic deep inside at the thought of committing himself to a courtship when she wasn’t willing to meet him halfway—but it was obvious that there would be no other way to end this standoff. He could see them thirty years down the road still at the same impasse. One of them was going to have to risk getting hurt, and since it clearly wasn’t going to be her, it would have to be him.
He was going to romance this woman whether she liked it or not because he didn’t know what else to do. Surely God would take it from there. He had to. There was no other way this would work. It was with that knowledge that he stepped out in faith. “I can and I will.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t even like me. Why would you want to court me?”
He frowned. “I thought we went over that.”
“Yes, and we agreed to be
friends.
”
“We are friends, aren’t we?”
She was quiet for a long moment—too long of a moment. She just stared at him skeptically with those large blue eyes of hers. She was making him uncomfortable on purpose, and they both knew it. A smile tipped his lips, causing her to try to hide one of her own. She glanced away. Her tone spoke of her long-suffering patience. “I guess.”
“Think of this as the next step then.”
“The next step to what?” She crossed her arms. “You aren’t going to make me fall in love with you. You know that, right?”
He didn’t want to examine why those tentative words cut right to his heart, but they did until he remembered. “You fell in love with me once before.”
“Yes, but I’ve resolved not to be that foolish again,” she said stubbornly.
He frowned. “What’s foolish about loving someone?”
She straightened. “Well, everything! You’re giving someone the power to hurt you by becoming completely vulnerable.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Lorelei,” he said in frustration. “I just want to court you.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. You’re like every other normal man. You want a wife who loves you, but that’s hardly fair in this case.”
“Why isn’t it fair?”
“Because you aren’t going to love me back!” She let those uncomfortable words settle between them for a moment before she continued passionately. “Oh, you may start to care for me, but as soon as you do you’re going to think about Lawson and what I did to him. You’re going to think about the Harvest Dance when I ignored you because I thought you betrayed me. Then you’re going to remind yourself of all the little things you don’t like about me—”
He gently clutched her arms. “Stop it, Lorelei.”
“It’s true. Tell me it isn’t,” she challenged. He couldn’t and she knew it. She glanced down, but not before he saw the tears in her eyes.
“Lorelei,” he began, but she shook her head.
“That’s quite all right, Sean, because I’d be doing the same thing. You want this to be real, so fine. For you, it’s real. But, I won’t do it. I’ll just keep acting.” She gathered her things and headed inside. “Say hello to my parents before you leave. They love your visits. I’ll be in my room if they need me.”
She was right. He realized it then and there. She was right about him, and she always had been. He did tend to focus on her faults, but that was only so he wouldn’t have to focus on all the things he liked about her. She’d been his best friend’s girl for so long that disqualifying her had become a necessary habit. There. He’d admitted it to himself. His heart always had had a weakness for Lorelei, and he’d never allowed himself to give in to it. Doing so would have meant betraying a friend.
Things could be different now if they let it. They needed their relationship to work now, not just in the long run. He would continue with his plan to woo her because it was all he knew to do. Hopefully along the way they’d both be able to set aside the past.
* * *
Lorelei picked up the large serving spoon covered in melted cheese and hefted a portion of casserole onto her plate. She wasn’t sure who’d brought the dish to the church’s potluck picnic, but it looked delicious. She was only vaguely aware of someone stepping up beside her in line before a low voice murmured in a teasing tone, “You’re a hard woman to get a hold of these days, Miss Wilkins.”
Lorelei carefully placed the spoon back in its place before she glanced up into the eyes of the man beside her. She smiled politely to hide her relief that he was finally making contact. “Hello, Mr. Smithson.”
“Please, call me Silas.” He returned her smile as they progressed down the line. “I was sorry to hear you quit your job at the millinery.”
Lorelei exchanged a smile with one of the church ladies overseeing the buffet table. She carefully placed a sweet roll onto her plate. “I’m afraid it couldn’t be avoided. It was literally making me sick.”
He paused to take a large piece of her mother’s pie. “I heard it had something to do with that. I hope that won’t prevent you from helping me.”
“I see no reason why it should.” She glanced around at all of the innocent churchgoers milling about in groups.
“I thought you might say that.” Silas led her farther away from the table where they were less likely to be overheard. “I hate to mention this, but your illness might have caused a problem. How am I supposed to contact you without raising suspicion?”
Her lips tilted upward in amusement. “You’d be doing fine now if you weren’t frowning.”