The Scars of Us (28 page)

“Look, I know you’re just worried about me, but don’t. I haven’t been this happy since… well, ever. Ryker may seem like an asshole, but he’s… he’s amazing. If anything, you should worry about me hurting him. My kind of crazy isn’t good for people,” I joked, or at least attempted to.

Kamden didn’t laugh, but his smile broadened a tiny bit.

“You’re not crazy,
sorella.
”

“Whatever you say. Seriously, don’t worry about me. Ryker treats me very well.”
Huge understatement.

“If that changes—”

“You’ll be the first to know,” I interrupted, finishing his sentence.

Continuing my way down the hall, I headed to my room and stripped off my clothes before jumping in the shower. Once I emerged, fully refreshed, I made my way to my office, wanting to check my calendar to see the upcoming projects for the next few weeks and possibly get some work done on them. Ryker occupied a lot of my time, so I tried to squeeze in work whenever possible so I wouldn’t get behind.

After I scanned over my desk calendar for the rest of August, I flipped up the page to look at September, my eyes zeroing in on a date circled in red. My body stiffened as fear began to root itself in my stomach, the darkness attempting to creep back in.
Kaleb’s release. Holy shit, it’s only a month away. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

My leg bounced nervously as I stared at the date, unable to tear my gaze away from it. My pulse pounded in my ears as a thin sheen of sweat started to cling to my skin, making me uncomfortably hot. The blackness began to suffocate me, trying to blanket it me with its poison and send me spiraling into a breakdown.
Fight it, fight it. Focus on something else.

I knew exactly what the perfect something was—Ryker. He always saved me, and breaking me from the tainted darkness was no exception. His face came into my mind, chasing away the inky mass threatening to crush me.

I broke free of the trance I was in as I threw the calendar, sending it flying off my desk. Pens and other office supplies joined it as they scattered over the floor.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Needing to escape, I rushed to my room as I repeated the phrase over and over in my head. Grabbing my phone, I immediately dialed Ryker, but it went to his voicemail.
Fuck, he’s probably already at work.

I paced nervously back and forth in my room, gnawing on my bottom lip.
Calm down. You’re safe. Ryker and Kamden will protect you. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

My hands shook with nerves as I sat on my bed. Pulling my knees up, I wrapped my arms around them and began to softly rock back and worth, attempting to soothe myself. Wet warmth coated my cheeks, my fight to contain my tears lost.
So weak.

My phone rang, startling me. Glancing down at it next to me, Ryker’s face filled the screen. I instantly grabbed it and answered. “Hello?” My voice was strained, thick with emotion.

He must’ve heard the panicked sadness in my voice because his response was quick and full of concern. “What’s wrong, baby?”

I thought about lying, but I couldn’t lie to Ryker. I was so good at it with everyone else but not him. Taking a deep breath, I tried to steady my voice. “Kaleb’s release is a little over a month away. I just saw it on my calendar.”

“Are you okay? Do I need to come over?”

My knight in shining armor.
My lips curved up slightly from the gesture, warmth filling my body and ridding me of the cold that the darkness left snaking through my veins. I wiped my cheeks, which were tight from my dried tears. “No, I’m okay. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Are you sure, Ky? I can leave work if you need me.”

He didn’t even understand how much I needed him. He had become the glue that held me together, the stitches that were slowly repairing the scars on my heart.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll see you at class in a little bit.”

“Call me if you need me, okay? I’ll keep my phone on me.” His voice was still edged with worry.

“Okay.”

“Bye, baby.”

“Bye.”

When we hung up, I exhaled another breath before getting off the bed. Grabbing my laptop, I decided to do some work on it instead of facing the mess that I left in the office. Anything to keep my mind occupied.

I thought about going to Kamden, but I had been selfish with him our entire lives. I needed to learn to cope on my own, no matter how difficult it was. And now I had Ryker to help me through until I could handle everything on my own. Kamden deserved a break.

By the time I made it to the gym, I was like a balloon that was inflated to the point of bursting. I needed to see Ryker, to have him calm me down like only he could.

I arrived thirty minutes early so I could talk to him before the other students showed up. If not, I’d probably lose it and have a meltdown during class.

When I walked into our training room, Ryker immediately came over to me. His eyes searched mine. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Better now that I’m with you,” I said as I forced a smile. It wasn’t a lie, but I was still being plagued by the impending date looming over me, overshadowing the happiness Ryker brought me.

Slowly rubbing both of my arms up and down, the concern in his voice increased, “Maybe you should skip class tonight.”

My brows furrowed as I frowned. “No. If anything, I need to get this out. Bottling it in only makes it worse—trust me, I know.”

His mouth set in a tight line. He knew he wouldn’t win this argument. “Fine, just take it easy.”

Yeah, right. Me, take things easy? Nothing is ever easy when it comes to me.
“I’ll try. I really need to kick the shit out of something, though.”

Ryker’s lips quirked up to one side in a lopsided grin. “Always fighting.”

Before I could respond, another student came in with David and an unfamiliar employee, not the normal instructor Mark. Ryker followed my gaze and said, “Mark couldn’t make it tonight. Another one of the staff is filling in for him—I need to go brief him on class.”

“Go ahead, I’ll get my gear on.”

Ryker walked away as I dropped my stuff by the bag I always used. I wrapped my hands with athletic tape, which I started using upon Ryker’s insistence since I bruised so easily, then slipped on my gloves.

When class finally started, my pent-up frustration and stress still coursed through my body, making my muscles ache from the tension. I couldn’t completely push the thought of Kaleb being released from my head, probably because of how soon it was. If I didn’t expel everything soon, I was going to spontaneously combust.
What better way to release it all than to take it out on the bag?

I began with simple jabs and punches, but after my fists connected with the vinyl, my moves intensified as fury took over my body. The bag morphed into Kaleb, and I completely lost it. Control was no longer mine as I cascaded into that abyss inside me, the source where all my demons lay.

My arms and legs flew as I pummeled Kaleb with elbows, kicks, and punches, making him hurt as he had hurt me all those years. Sweat drenched my face as I continued, unable to stop; if I stopped, he would only hurt me back, punish me for fighting him.

My chest burned as I struggled to breath, but I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going, had to protect myself. Dizziness settled over my body like a heavy weight as my vision blurred, and I felt my knees meet the ground.
No.

Ringing filled my ears from the piercing scream of someone, and I covered them to drown out all the noise. I clenched my eyes shut as I folded into myself, wanting to conceal as much of my body as possible from Kaleb’s backlash.

Rough hands gripped my shoulders, causing me to strike outward. The hit was weak, but I still connected before slumping forward in exhaustion. I heard a familiar voice, but it didn’t sound like it normally did; it was frantic and laced with fear. “Look at me, Ky! Come back to me, baby.”

Trying to concentrate on the sound, I lifted my head slightly, but it caused everything to spin around me so I put it back down. My heart thudded as the voice urged, “Breathe, baby, breathe.”

Closing my eyes again, I focused on taking deep breaths, trying to claw my way out of the dark chasm I was buried in. That voice kept talking to me, saying soothing things that helped bring me back towards reality, helped me regain some control.

Some of the pressure constricting me lifted, enough so that I opened my eyes to try and focus on my surroundings. The first thing I saw was a pair of warm, brown eyes that were creased in worry.
Ryker.

Some of the tension eased from his strained face as he forced a smile. “There’s my Warrior. I knew you’d fight your way back.”

I blinked a few times to combat my blurred vision and dispel the rest of the disequilibrium clinging to me.

Ryker pushed my sweaty hair out of my face before handing me an open water bottle. “Drink.”

Sipping the cool liquid, what had happened started to sink in. Embarrassment heated my already fevered face as tears stung my eyes. I glanced around the room, expecting to find a bunch of scared faces staring back at me, but there were none. The room was empty except for Ryker and me.

I gave him a confused look, and he answered my unspoken question. “I made everyone leave.”

Completely humiliated didn’t even come close to how I felt. I doubted that I’d be able to come to class ever again; Ryker would have to give me private lessons. If he still wanted to be with me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as a tear rolled down my cheek..

“Sorry? For what?” His eyes held a look of confusion.

“That I flipped out and totally lost it, that you had to stop class because of me, that I embarrassed you,” I bitterly replied as I looked down, angry for my lack of control.

Ryker gripped my chin and tilted my face to look at him. “I’m not embarrassed by you. Concerned, yes, but not embarrassed. And I don’t give a fuck about stopping class—you are all I care about.”

There’s that amazing feeling stirring.
“Thank you. I think I’m okay now.”

“What happened?” He brushed his knuckles down the side of my face as his eyes met mine.

“I’m not exactly sure. I was trying to let my anger over Kaleb out on the bag, but I lost control. All I could see was him, and then I got lightheaded and disoriented. I can’t really remember too much after that.”

“You went crazy on the bag. You probably felt that way because you were holding your breath. When you fell, you scared the shit out of me—you were screaming so loud, and I had no idea what was wrong.”

I was the one screaming? This just gets better and better.
“I’m sorry. That happens sometimes. I thought I had better control over it now, but getting closer to his possible release is starting to get to me.”

“That’s understandable, baby. Don’t stress yourself out about it.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms before threading our fingers together. “You know you’re not alone in this—you have me. You don’t have to fight by yourself, Warrior.”

There was that feeling in my chest again—that one that made my heart beat faster and wrapped me in happiness. He was borderline perfect, knew exactly what I needed and the right words to say. I had no clue what the hell he saw in me—I was a hot mess.

“It’s not easy to talk about. It’s bad enough that I can’t escape him since I see him whenever I look in the mirror.”

“You look a lot alike? You and Kamden don’t,” Ryker commented.

Shit.
I really didn’t want to go there, but Ryker had become my rock, my anchor when I needed security and strength. I’d already realized if things didn’t work out between us, there’d never be anyone that could take his place. He was it for me. If anyone deserved my trust, it was him. “He… he’s my twin.”

Ryker’s face hardened, his beautiful mouth being dragged down in an angry frown as he seethed, “What?”

I didn’t say anything. His rage was palpable, and even though I knew he wasn’t angry at me, I didn’t want to set him off. He abruptly stood before slamming his fist into the punching bag a few feet away from me. Roaring angrily, he threw it like it weighed almost nothing towards the center of the room.

His outburst didn’t scare me. In fact, it made me feel good; it showed me that he truly cared. Never trusting anyone besides Kamden and Nori made it hard for me to judge whether someone’s intentions or feelings were genuine, but there was no denying Ryker’s. There was no doubt that he cared about me, maybe even loved me.
Could he possibly love me?
The thought was almost laughable since I was certain that I was completely crazy. Even if I wasn’t, Ryker was still too good for me. Girls like me didn’t get guys that looked like models. Not to mention that Ryker had such a good heart.
Yeah, he’s way too good for me.

Pacing the room, he cursed furiously. His face was painted red with anger as he looked toward me, locking his eyes with mine.

“He’s your twin?” he asked again in disbelief.

“Yeah. We look identical, which makes it harder for me. I see him staring back at me all the time when I look in the mirror, so I avoid them as much as possible.”

He looked utterly confused, almost at a loss for words. “How? Why?” he stammered, seeking answers that I’d been searching for years, answers I still didn’t really have.

My eyes glistened as my chest tightened, but not in the same way Ryker caused. The tightening I was experiencing was from pain, anger, and sadness because of everything my own twin did to me.

“I never really got an answer to that. Kaleb always said that I was made for him. I was his. The psychiatrists and doctors said he had several mental conditions that caused him to be the way that he was, that it wasn’t his fault,” I bitterly replied. Even though I knew it was true, that his disorders contaminated him, controlled him, I couldn’t forgive him for everything he did to me, for scarring me so deeply.

“Fucking bullshit,” he muttered angrily. Approaching me, he sat beside me on the floor before cradling me in his lap. The position made me feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. Ryker tucked some hair behind my ear, releasing a sigh before promising, “He’ll never get his hands on you again. No one will
ever
mistreat you again.”