“I
promise you won’t die, Ida. If I thought that for a skinny minute, do you think I’d subject myself to such an environment? Remember, I have a daughter to consider, and hopefully one day grandchildren. You and the others will be surrogate great-godmothers if Abby has a child. This is the last time I am going to ask you to open the door and come outside. If you don’t…if you don’t, I will not be responsible for the consequences. Do you hear me, Ida?” Toots said in a soft, soothing tone as she stood outside Ida’s door. A soft soothing voice that was a hair away from turning into a snarl.
“For God’s sake already, enough is enough. Let me inside, and I’ll drag her ass to the car.” Sophie shoved Toots to the side before she pushed Ida’s door wide open to see her cowering behind it when she entered the room. Seeing her old friend in such a state brought tears to her eyes. Ida was decked out in something that covered her person from head to toe, including latex gloves and a surgeon’s mask. Even from where she was standing, she could see Ida trembling. “Ida, I know this is hard for you. You have to trust us. There is no germ out here that’s going to kill you. Now get your ass to the car. If you don’t, I’m going to find a sweaty construction worker and have him toss you over his shoulder and haul you out to the car. Is that what you want?” Sophie asked, all traces of her normal silliness gone.
Ida blinked rapidly, shaking her head from side to side. “Thomas died from a germ,” she whispered.
“For God’s sake, the whole world knows Thomas died of E. coli. The chances of you picking up
any
kind of life-threatening germ is so slim, it doesn’t bear thinking about. Do you really want Toots to think you’re a wimp? She spent all that money to get us out here, and this is how you pay her back. You
SAID
you were
IN
on this caper. It means you do your share. We all agreed to make this trip believing you were going to be part of it. Now, enough of this goddamn bullshit. Move your ass, and I mean move your ass. Like fucking now, Ida!” Sophie screeched.
“Sophie, stop it!” Toots hissed from the other side of the door.
“Kiss my ass, Toots. Listen, Ida, it’s now or never. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life disinfecting yourself and anything you might have to touch? I don’t think you do, so what I am about to do is for your own good.” Without another word, Sophie grabbed Ida by her latex-covered hands and dragged her out the door. Once they were outside, Sophie slammed the door to the bungalow, knowing Ida would fight her and try to run back inside. Pulling and shoving Ida like a reluctant child, she wrapped one arm around her shoulder and motioned for Toots to do the same. Dragging their friend, they ran as fast as they could to Mavis’s bungalow, where she was waiting outside with Coco on her leash.
Mavis scooped Coco up in her arms. “What’s wrong with her? Did she have a spell? What?” she asked as she waddled along, trying to catch up with them.
“Does she look all right?” Sophie snapped. “Of course she’s not all right. She’s off in the Twilight Zone at the moment.”
“Yip, yip!”
“Good Lord, Sophie, do you always have to be so blunt?” Toots asked as they pulled Ida down the pathway toward the exit, where a limo waited.
“Listen to the damn dog. Even she knows Ida isn’t playing with a full deck. And, yes, I suppose I could phrase it better, but that’s not my style. All of you, just handle it, or I’m outta here. I mean it. We agreed to come here at your insistence to try and do something good for Abby, and this
schmuck,”
Sophie said, pointing to Ida, “is screwing up the works. I’m too old for this shit, and so are the rest of you, so let’s get it in gear and make things happen.”
“Maybe you should consider a new style,” Toots said, but her tone left a lot to be desired. Secretly, she applauded Sophie’s in-your-face attitude.
“I will when hell freezes over, okay? Now, let’s get Mrs. Clean to the car. You can worry about my style later.”
With Mavis and Coco lagging behind, Sophie and Toots half dragged a protesting Ida toward the hotel’s exit.
Toots grappled for something to say. “I know you don’t like us very much right now, Ida, but at some point I know you’ll thank both of us when we get you back up to snuff. Try to remember what life was like before you went nuts. Right now, speaking strictly for myself, I don’t give a good rat’s ass if you ever speak to me again or not. I’m going to get you back to functioning the way you did then if it kills me. Are you listening to me, Ida? Just nod if you want your old life back.”
A spark from Ida. “Yes, I would like that. Very much. It’s just…
hard.
”
“There’s hard, then there’s hard,” Mavis said breathlessly. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to resist calling room service and ordering up a giant hot fudge sundae? But I want to live, so I just ask myself, what’s more important, my life or a hot fudge sundae? That’s why I went to the gym this morning, where I met a wonderful young lady who promises to help me lose weight. I did seven whole minutes on the treadmill. Seven minutes! Tomorrow my goal is nine minutes,” she said proudly. “All you have to do, Ida, is to take off all that crap and fucking do what we all tell you!”
Toots and Sophie gasped at Mavis’s choice of words. Mavis never, as in
never,
said a bad word; it was the schoolteacher in her.
“Unlike you, I have nothing to live for,” Ida said without a trace of emotion. “When Thomas died, I died.”
Sophie chimed right in. “If that isn’t the biggest crock of shit, I don’t know what is! How many times have you been married? I’ve heard that song and dance from you so many times I’ve lost count. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be better off alone? Don’t answer that, Ida.”
With more venom than necessary, Sophie continued, “I’ve known you for fifty years, and not once in all these years have you ever been without a man. I think it’s time you got your act together and stopped depending on other people, especially men, and toss your daily RSVP to your own damned pity party. You know something, Ida? You just might find out that life isn’t all about you! Stand on your own two feet for a change. I can’t believe what a pathetic old woman you’ve allowed yourself to become!” Out of breath, Sophie clamped her jaw tight, angrier than she’d ever been. She decided she wasn’t finished. “Where do you get off thinking the world is your personal oyster? As far as I’m concerned, and I think I speak for Toots and Mavis, you, Ida, are a failure as a woman, as a godmother, and as a friend. I refuse to play your stupid ‘poor me’ game anymore.”
Toots took a deep breath. “I guess we all know how you really feel now.”
“It’s just the uncensored version of what I see. You know I call it like it is. What’s the point of adding all the niceties if you’re lying? I don’t do lies, Toots. Not anymore.”
The limo, a white Lincoln Town Car, waited beneath the portico as they forced Ida ahead. “I don’t want to do this. I’ve changed my mind.”
“Tough,” said Sophie. “You’re going to do it whether you want to or not. Right, Toots?” Sophie gave her the evil eye, daring Toots not to support her.
“Ida, Sophie is right. You know what else? Sophie did speak for me, and, by the way Mavis is nodding, she spoke for her, too. Resign yourself to the fact that you are going to the doctor today. One more word out of you, and I will personally slug you.”
Toots mouthed “she’s gone” to Sophie and Mavis. This was getting old fast.
The limo driver walked around to the passenger side to open the door. “Can I assist you?” he asked, looking at Ida, who was trying to wiggle free.
“No, we’re fine. Just get ready to burn rubber when we get her inside,” Sophie said. “She might try to jump out, so you’d better keep your speed up, too.”
Arms flailing and flapping, Toots and Sophie managed to force Ida into the backseat. “Get in, Mavis,” Sophie shouted. “Mavis, sit on her if you have to.”
Mavis waddled as fast as her sausage legs would go. With a surprisingly new speed, she and Coco climbed into the car without any assistance. Toots crawled in next, then Sophie.
“Tromp on it,” Sophie shouted to the driver.
“Oh”—Mavis clapped her pudgy hands—“this is just like in the movies!”
“Well, I, for one, wouldn’t pay a dime to see this movie,” Toots commented drily.
Ida sat scrunched in the corner, staring listlessly out the window as they raced down Beverly Hills Boulevard to the Center for Mind and Body, where she had an appointment with renowned psychiatrist Dr. Benjamin Sameer, courtesy of Dr. Joe Pauley. He’d made sure Toots knew what he had done was above and beyond the call of duty. What it also meant was Toots was now on the hook for his wife’s next do-good project.
“Me, either,” Sophie added, never missing an opportunity to get her two cents’ worth in. “Can we smoke in here? I need a cigarette.”
“Me, too, and no, we can’t smoke. It says so right there.” Toots pointed to a small rectangular sign displaying a cigarette within a circle and a forward slash running through it.
Fifteen minutes later, they passed through the gates leading to the Center for Mind and Body. Sophie strained to look out the window. “Look at this place, Ida, it’s all white and clean-looking.”
Ida dared a glimpse out her window.
“This place looks like the Taj Mahal,” Toots said. “I think Dr. Sameer is from India.”
“I don’t care if he’s from Timbuktu, as long as he can do something to help Ida. If not, I’ll go nuts, and you’ll have to bury Walter,” Sophie said as she admired the manicured lawns, the bright white buildings scattered throughout the pristine grounds. “Aren’t people from India really clean? Or are they really dirty? I can’t recall which it is.”
“I wouldn’t know, Sophie. I believe I’ve heard somewhere that they bathe before a meal, a purification sort of thing among Hindus,” Toots said.
“That’s wonderful. Isn’t that wonderful, Ida? The doctor will understand exactly where you’re coming from,” Mavis said.
Sophie rolled her eyes. Toots grinned.
“Do I have to do this?” Ida asked, as the limo came to a stop.
Toots cast Sophie a “not-now” look before answering. “Yes, you do have to do it, Ida. All your options just ran out. Just think of the freedom you’ll have before you know it.”
“And all the money you’ll save when you don’t have to buy those gloves and bleach and soap and that other crap you use to make
your
world a better place,” Sophie sniped.
“Snap to it, Ida, we have to go inside. We certainly don’t want to keep Dr. Sameer waiting, especially since he’s seeing you as a special favor,” Toots said.
Their driver, ever the gentleman, opened the door, stepping aside as the women crawled out of the limousine. Toots reached inside her clutch bag, removed a hundred-dollar bill, and tucked it in the driver’s hand. “Would you mind waiting here?” Though she’d hired the limo indefinitely, she wasn’t sure if she had clarified that she wanted the driver to wait for them.
The driver glanced at the bill Toots had thrust in his hand before he answered. “Not at all.”
“Fine, then let’s get started. Showtime, girls!” Typhoon Toots said dramatically.
Together, they assisted Ida as she walked up the stairs, her head lolling to the side like a rag doll’s. “Cooperate, Ida, or I will strip you naked right here in front of the door. That means pick up your damn feet and pretend you’re alive.”
Inside the office, they were greeted by a pleasant young woman wearing a red-and-gold sari made of silk. She had soulful brown eyes, honey-colored skin, and a welcoming smile that lit up the room and put them all at ease.
“You must be Mrs. McGullicutty. I’m Amala. The doctor will be with you very soon.” She clasped her hands together as though in prayer. “May I offer you ladies a cool drink, some tea?” Toots looked at Sophie, daring her to open her mouth.
“I am dying for a cigarette. Is there a smoking area around here?”
The young woman smiled. “As a matter of fact, we have a specially ventilated smoking room because Dr. Sameer smokes cigars. He says it helps him think. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you there.”
Sophie flipped the bird to Toots before she and Mavis, leading Coco on her leash, followed Amala to a door located in the rear of the building. “My father, Dr. Sameer, enjoys having his cigars out here.” She gestured to a beautiful courtyard of sorts. Stone benches beneath a vaulted ceiling made of marble did indeed make it seem like a room. The area looked like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. Lush, colorful flowers in giant urns, palm trees as high as the clouds, and verdant shrubbery created a calm, relaxing atmosphere.
“I’m almost afraid to light up out here,” Sophie said.
“Over here.” Amala motioned for her to follow. “You place ashes and discard your cigar or cigarette inside this urn.”
Sophie eyed the urn with a smidgen of alarm. It looked like it held ashes all right, but not the kind that came from tobacco. More like human cremains, in her opinion the worst word anyone had ever invented. For a split second, Sophie had doubts about Dr. Sameer. Maybe he torched his patients and disposed of their ashes while taking a quick smoke break. Amala left her alone, saying she had to return to a patient.
“Oh…sure, that’s why we’re here.” Sophie waited until Amala was inside before lighting up.
Mavis and Coco waddled along outside, keeping their distance. “Sophie, I wish you would stop smoking. I hate to see what it does to you. You are so dependent on those things. You could have waited.” This last was said in such an accusing tone, Sophie felt ashamed. She
should
have waited.
“Isn’t that kind of like the pot calling the kettle black?” Sophie shot back, then wished she had kept quiet. At least Mavis was trying and sticking to her diet. She made a mental note to quit smoking the first of the year. A wonderful New Year’s resolution. Ha!
Mavis put Coco down, and the little Chihuahua proceeded to pee all over the sidewalk. “You’re right it is, but at least I’m trying to do something about it. That’s more than I can say for you and Toots. I don’t mean to come off as an old stick-in-the-mud, but it is a nasty habit, and you know it. You can’t smoke anywhere in public anymore, so that should tell you something. And your fingers are turning yellow from the nicotine, and so are your teeth.”