The Serenity Solution: How to Use Quiet Contemplation to Solve Life's Problems (13 page)

Overview 85

For instance, our first step may have been to take a few deep breaths, place an image of a stop sign before our mind’s eye, scan and release body tension, and speak slowly. After testing these actions in the problem setting, we may discover that we need to add self-talk to the mix. If so, our next step would be to mentally practice this self-talk and try it out in the problem setting. Again, after testing, we may discover that this was effective and all we really need to remain calm is to simply monitor our tension, speak slowly, and remember to tell ourselves to stay calm. This would be our third step and our more refined actions which become our target solution (or target actions). We would simply continue doing these actions to stay on target.

As another example, if our target is to be happy after being sad for some time, we will have a better chance of reaching this target if we take it in steps. For instance, our first step might be to mentally rehearse getting out of bed and about each day. Our second step might be to mentally rehearse making a new friend. Our third step might be to mentally rehearse finding and engaging in a meaningful activity; and so on until we start to feel happy.

In any case, moving from the problem to the target is accomplished by zooming out (mentally broadening our awareness) and zooming in

(mentally narrowing our awareness) repeatedly until we land on target.

Each zoom out, we assess our overall actions, and each zoom in, we pinpoint the best actions that get us closest to our target (which is our next step). Over time, we progressively hone in on the few, most effective actions needed to sustain the target.

Targeting Questions

Solution Targeting is accomplished using three general types of questions: broadening, centering, and narrowing. Each of these questions is used at strategic points to guide the honing process.

86 Six

Broadening/Observer Mode Questions

Broadening questions help us zoom out and get our overall bearings. Some include: What’s really going on here? What am I experiencing right now?

Am I where I want to be? If not, where do I want to be? Are these current thoughts and actions getting me there?

Centering Questions

Centering questions help us reign in thought and determine what is central from peripheral, so we don’t get lost in the details. Some of these include: What is holding me up the most in all of this? What factor has the most influence? What am I really trying to accomplish in place of this?

Narrowing/Immersed Mode Questions

Narrowing questions then inquire about the specific thoughts and actions (i.e. the details) of what is captured by broadening and centering questions. Some of these include: What thoughts and actions would help get me where I want to be? How would I do these thoughts and actions specifically? In what order would I do them?

seven

Zooming Out and Framing

Overal Bearings

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you

are heading.”
—Lao Tzu

Each cycle of Solution Targeting begins with a
zoom out
, which involves broadening into an observer mode and assessing our overall situation.

At times, we may get caught up in life situations and lose ourselves in them; this may be especially true when experiencing high arousal. Zooming out is important at these times since it helps us get out of a narrow view and see alternate options. (See
Chapter Eleven: Observing from Broader
Mind
for an in-depth account of how to recognize and step out of a limited view.)

We assess two things when we zoom out: 1) our current state and 2) our target state. Our current state is our mental-emotional view of a situ-87

88 Seven

ation at the moment and our target state is a desired state free of current limiting thoughts and actions.

For example, if the current problem state is a perceived lack of confidence in social situations, a target state would be access to confident thoughts and actions.

We assess our current state first by observing what we are saying and doing in response to present circumstances; this occurs typically after we notice a change in our emotional-physical state. We may summarize the situation’s central factor at this time.

Afterwards, we assess the target state. To do this, we may put our current view to a target test, which is a question we pose to ourselves to see if our current state is the target state; this gets us thinking beyond our current circumstances. An example target test would be: “Is this the reaction I want?” If our answer to this question is ‘no’ then this indicates that we have lost ourselves in the current situation and need to acquire a target in order to get out of this limiting state. To do this, we may ask next: “What would be a better reaction? What would be a desirable outcome in place of my current one?”

Troubleshooting the Target

As you can see, locating the target is not always the easiest task. This is especially true if we have been stuck in a problem for some time. After a while, the problem can become such a familiar focus that we come to know more about it than we do about the target solution. The target, or what we want in place of the problem, may seem vague or out of sight.

I see this quite frequently in my practice. From many clients, I hear the common response, “I really don’t know what I want. I just know I don’t like where I’m at.” This lack of view other then the problem can keep us stuck. As Henry David Thoreau once said, “People seldom hit what they do not aim at.” In fact, they continue to see things in the same fixed way.

Zooming Out and Framing Overall Bearings 89

For this reason, many of us will frame our target in terms of the current problem. For example, we may say: “I need to stop being so timid.”

However, in doing so, we are still focused on the current problem ‘timidity.’ Since we get more of what we focus on, it is best if we focus on something positive we can move towards instead of simply moving away from the problem. We cannot clearly focus on or picture the absence of something. For instance, what actions would “less timid” entail?

Better to frame the target as “I need to be assertive.” Then, we can see the actions needed to produce the desired state (e.g. taking a couple of deep breaths, releasing muscle tension, engaging in positive self-talk, speaking slowly and confidently, and so on). This way, a focus on the presence of a positive outcome, rather than the removal of a negative one, will more likely lead us to the target outcome we seek.

Often when we have a clear shot of where we’re going, we can see how to get out of where we are. A specific target often points to the steps to getting beyond the problem. Moreover, by focusing more on what we want rather than on what we don’t want, we have more time to figure out how to get where we want. When the Wright brothers were figuring out how to fly, they did not focus on how things fell. They focused on how things lifted, such as birds, and then figured out how they did so.

The same is true of solutions to our problems. When we focus more

on what causes the solution rather than on what causes the problem, we have a better chance of finding a solution. For example, we are more likely to overcome a fear of social situations when we focus on actions that lead to confidence than when we spend our time trying to figure out where the fear came from. We simply let the desired target be the marker by which we go by to improve our current situation. We study what makes the success and then repeat or improve on it in order to get from a current problem to a target solution.

There’s an old parable called “Two Frogs in the Milk” that best sums up this view that it is better to focus more on the desired target than the
90 Seven

current problem. The story goes: two frogs fall into a pail of milk. One cries out, “I’m going to drown. I’m going to drown. I’m going to drown.”

Soon, his legs give out and he goes under. The other frog paddles fero-ciously and shouts, “I’ve got to get out. I’ve got to get out. I’ve got to get out.” Surprisingly, he finds himself on a cake of butter he has churned and is able to jump free.

If, like these frogs, we find ourselves in a bad situation, we’re careful about what we focus on, because we get more of what we focus on. If we focus on sinking and drowning, that is where we will go. But, if we keep our focus on a target way out, we’ll keep on kicking and eventually get there.

Often, when clients identify where they would rather be, they find that their lives take on new meaning and they have the desire and confidence to move forward.

Joan thought she would never get free of sadness until she made the concerted effort to spend a few minutes a day envisioning how her life would be if she did not have the sadness (even though at the time she thought this was an impossibility). Her secret desire—the one she had suppressed for a long time—was to run a flower shop along the beach.

She envisioned this desire daily for a few weeks and soon found that she was seizing opportunities and doing small things that moved her closer to this goal; this included finding swap meets near the beach and setting up flower stands at them. Shortly afterwards, she noticed her sadness lift and her life looking a little brighter. Today, she is well on her way to building her flower business.

Target Sighting Advantages

A shift to a clear target offers several problem-solving advantages:

•
A Different View to Stimulate New Thoughts and Actions:

For one, a clear target provides a focus other than the

Zooming Out and Framing Overall Bearings 91

problem. A continued focus on the problem is likely to

produce more of the same thoughts and reactions that have

kept us stuck so far; whereas, a shift in focus is likely to open

new thoughts and actions that can get us moving again.

•
A Guiding Beacon:
Two, a clear target can act as a beacon or reference point that guides us. When we have a destination,

we have a better sense of where we’re headed and how to

get there. We can determine the steps that are needed to get

from where we are to there.

•
A Glimpse of the Finish Line:
Three, a clear target shows us the finish line. With it, we can temporarily transcend

the problem long enough to see what things will look like

when we are free of the problem; this way, we have a sign or

marker that indicates when we’re out of the problem. A clear

target is like an answer to a math problem at the back of a

book. When we know what the final answer looks like we

can work backwards to identify the steps needed to reach the

answer.

•
A New Horizon:
Four, a clear target draws us with hope and anticipation for what is to come. Once we have a glimpse of

how life can be without a problem, we are inspired to forge

ahead despite the current problem. We’re not just focused on

the awfulness of the problem. The more vivid we can make

this picture, the more it will inspire and draw us.

The key is to successfully locating a target solution is to strike a balance between focusing on the current problem and the desired target. We don’t deny our present circumstances. We accept that we are currently challenged by them and are likely to feel upset. But, we include another pos-92 Seven

sibility in our scope as well; this way, we thin out the bad, so to speak, and don’t selectively focus on it. Otherwise, the longer we stay solely focused on where we are, the more difficult it will be to shift from it.

We simply make sure that we have addressed the central factor or the real problem in the issue and are not looking too soon for a solution. If we find it too hard to shift from talking about the problem it is likely we have not put our finger on the central factor yet. If so, we make sure to address the real problem before shifting to the target.

However, once we identify the central factor in the problem, shifting to the target can be as easy as shifting the figure and ground in the vase/

faces illusion. Recall the vase/faces illusion earlier. Just like in that illusion, as in all perceptions, we see either one view or another depending on which view we currently put in the foreground as figure and which one we place in the background.

We do the same with our current problem and the desired target. Most of the time, the problem is in the foreground of our lives, and so, that is all we see. But, what would happen if we let it fade into the background for a moment? What would happen if it was somehow less of or not as big of a problem? Not in the foreground? What then would we envision our lives being like? What would we imagine doing in place of the problem? What possibilities might come to the foreground?

The key to a successful shift to a target, though, is to stop trying to figure how to solve the problem just yet. We simply let go of the need to do this and assume that we’ll find a way as soon as we figure out where we want to go. Some of my clients call this “going on faith.” We just keep in mind that we haven’t got the answer yet, but we will as soon as we figure out where we’re going.

Working backwards from the solution to the current problem is a

creative problem-solving technique and one that is very effective. It’s like getting the answer to a math problem in the back of a book and using the
Zooming Out and Framing Overall Bearings 93

answer to work out the steps from the problem to the solution. It makes it much easier to solve a problem.

We can start loosening our view of the problem and begin shifting

to the target by acknowledging the possibility that we might be taking a limited view of our current situation; that is, our current view may be one of several. So, we are not going to get too attached to it. This leaves room for other possibilities. For instance, although we may feel a problem is insurmountable, we tell ourselves that this is only how it appears at the moment; later our view may change.