Authors: Jessica Gadziala
“Intimacy?”
she supplied.
“Yeah,”
I said, swallowing. “Tonight is the sixth session.”
“And
what is the sixth session?”
“Sex.”
Her
head snapped to me, brow raised, mouth opening slightly. She looked
like she was struggling to say something for a minute, then thought
better of it.
“Well,”
she said, pulling out a tight, pure white, tube top dress, “then
this is what you need.”
“Really?
White?” I asked, laughing. “I'm not a virgin.”
“Aren't
you, though?” she asked, turning her head to the side. “I
mean... if you've never really experienced it, does it count?”
I
shrugged, but I took the dress up toward the service counter.
“Hold
up,” Shay said, running up, something white and lacy in her
hands. “I got you some pretty panties to go with.
“He
said he was going to be ripping those off.”
“Even
better,” she smirked. “The dress has the built in cup
things so you don't need a bra. You can be fully clothed to fully
naked in five seconds.”
I
smiled over at her. “You know what, Shay?”
“What?”
“I
think you and I are going to be really good friends.”
She
smiled, hitting my shoulder with hers. “Dick description. Now.”
I
took my time getting ready, making a sort of ritual out of it. To
take up time. To soothe my nerves. I took my usual long shower,
carefully dried my hair, then pressed it with the straightening iron
Shay had left behind. I applied my vanilla lotion to every inch of my
body. I put on a small amount of makeup. Brushed my teeth. Then
finally, close to my time to leave, I slipped into the lacy white
panties and the white dress. Simple. Tight. Short. But perfect.
I
decided Shay was going to pick out all my clothes in the future.
I
put on white patent leather ballet flats, grabbed my keys and wallet,
and walked out of the bathroom, with the biggest knot of tension in
my stomach.
“Shit.
That'll do it,” Jake nodded.
“Do
what?” I asked.
“Whatever
you are planning to do,” he said, shrugging.
I
nodded, taking a steadying breath. “I'll be late tonight.”
“I
bet you will,” he smirked. Then the smile fell and he walked up
to me, touching my shoulder briefly. “Everything is gonna be
alright, okay?”
“Okay,”
I agreed numbly.
“Go
on,” he said, nudging me toward the door. “You're gonna
be late.”
I
was right on time. I practically ran from my car to the office door
because Shay had threatened to flay me if I showed up covering the
dress with a jacket. I stopped outside the door, oblivious to the
cold seeping into my skin, taking a few deep breaths, settling my
hair back into place, tugging the bodice of the dress up slightly.
Then I reached for the knob and went in.
Chase
was at his usual place beside the desk, in a black suit and white
shirt. His head drifted upward slightly as he tucked a piece of
folded paper into his pocket.
“Oh,
baby,” he said, his head tilting to the side, watching me.
The
heat in his eyes was enough to have the knot inside slowly
unraveling. But he just stood there, looking at me, taking me in. And
I started to feel squirmy under his gaze.
“I,
ah, believe I was promised something that involved being... um...
pushed against a wall,” I said, feeling like a bumbling child.
A
slow, devilish smile spread across his face. “That you were,”
he agreed, closing the space between us. His hand went to the back of
my neck, pulling me to him, and his lips pressed hard on mine. Then
my back was slamming against the wall, but all I felt was him. His
tongue slipped into my mouth at the same time his hand pushed between
my thighs, finding my clit through my panties and making me groan
into his mouth.
“So
wet,” he murmured against my lips.
“Chase...”
But
I didn't get to finish my thought because his hands grabbed a hold of
my panties and ripped them off of me. Just like he promised. And then
he was down on his knees, looking up at me with hungry eyes, his
hands inching my skirt up my legs until it clung around my belly.
“Tell
me it's for me.”
“Always.
It's always for you,” I agreed.
And
I had the sinking feeling that it always would be.
“Fuck,
baby,” he said, grabbing my leg and bringing it up over his
shoulder. Then his tongue was stroking up my cleft, finding my clit
and lavishing over it.
My
hands went down on the back of his head, holding him against me.
It
wasn't long until I felt my orgasm threatening to break, digging my
hands into his hair and grounding out his name.
But
just when I was sure I was going to come, he pulled quickly away,
kissing the triangle above my sex and sitting back on his heels.
“Chase...”
“Don't
worry, babe, I am going to make you come tonight. Just not yet.
First,” he said, getting up on his feet and taking my hand, “we
need to go in the other room.”
So,
he made drinks. I searched through music. What music did I want to
have sex to? I
felt my
stomach clench at the idea and tried to think past it. What music did
I want Chase to hold me to? That worked better. I settled on a play
list of bluesy music and turned to take my martini.
“Come
on,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me toward the seating
area. I followed behind, curious, finishing my drink quickly and
placing it on the end table before sitting down next to him. “I
figured maybe tonight we should do some talking first.”
“Oh,
okay,” I said, sounding as hesitant as I felt.
“First
of all,” he said, setting his drink down on the floor and
reaching into his pocket for the paper I had seen him stuff there
when I walked in. He unfolded it and handed it to me. “I should
have given it to you a while ago, but I kept forgetting.”
I
took the paper, looking down at it, finding his name under the title
“patient name” and then there was a read out of tests. It
was a results of an STD test. All, of course, negative.
“I
wanted you to feel completely comfortable with me. We will be using
condoms, of course,” he added quickly, “but this was just
for your peace of mind.”
“Okay,”
I said, folding it back up and putting it on the seat behind me.
“Thanks,” I said, looking down at the hands in my lap
“I
know you're nervous.”
Nervous
didn't even begin to cover it. This was
the
big deal. This is
what I had decided to pay so much money to fix about myself. This was
my biggest insecurity.
“Talk
to me, babe.”
“I
don't know what to say.”
“Say
anything. Say that you're nervous. Say why. Just talk.”
“I'm
nervous,” I admitted.
“Okay,”
he said, his hand landing on my thigh, just resting there, an anchor.
“This
is the thing I am most insecure about.”
“What
makes you so insecure? That you can't enjoy it? That you're worried
about being a disappointment.”
“Both.”
He
nodded, reaching for my hands and putting his on top of them. “Ava,
nothing you could ever do would disappoint me,” he said, so
much sincerity in his tone that I actually believed him. “And I
promise you that, no matter what happens, I will show you that you
can enjoy it. No matter how long it takes.” He paused,
squeezing my hands. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Look
at me,” he said, then waited. “Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“Good.
Now come here,” he said, patting his chest.
I
didn't need any more encouragement than that.
Once
I was settled and his arms encircled me, he took a breath. “So,
let's talk about sex.”
Fuck.
“Okay.”
“In
the past, have you ever had an orgasm during intercourse?”
“No.”
“Ever
been close?”
“No.”
“Can
you tell me what sex has been like for you in the past?”
Fuck
me.
“Terrible,”
I supplied easily. “As soon as clothes start coming off, the
anxiety builds.”
“And
when someone has their hands on you, how does that feel?”
“Like
I want to scrape off my skin.”
“Do
you know why?”
“No.
I mean, yes and no. I think the anxiety just makes me so
uncomfortable and then angry because I can't control it, that the
touching feels wrong. Like it hurts instead of feels good.”
I
felt his cheek come down on the top of my head. “And what about
when they are inside of you?”
I
closed my eyes tight, not wanting to think about it. “I feel
nothing.”
“Nothing?”
he asked. “Not even the skin crawling sensation?”
“I
mean, the first time...” I started.
“When
you lost your virginity,” he supplied.
“Yeah.”
“That
hurt,” he guessed.
More
than anything I had ever felt.
“Yes.
A lot. I got sick.”
“Okay,”
he said, squeezing me tighter. “And since then... just
numbness.”
“Pretty
much. Sometimes I can quiet the anxiety enough to feel, but just for
like a couple seconds because it doesn't...” I shook my head.
“Because
you were stressed out so you weren't turned on,” he guessed,
“and it felt rough and uncomfortable. And then the anxiety came
back, stronger.”
“Yes.”
“Alright,”
he said, kissing the top of my head. “Thank you for sharing
that. That is helpful.” He rubbed my back for a few seconds.
“I'm sorry it's always been like that for you.”
So
was I.
“It's
okay.”
“No,
it's not,” he said, shaking his head. “Baby,” he
said, pulling me away and looking down at me, “it's not okay.
That should never have happened. Those guys...” he said,
grimacing, “they should have seen that you were struggling and
they should have stopped and tried to help you through it.”
“Not
all guys are like you, Chase,” I said, shrugging.
“No,
but they should fucking try to be,” he said, sounding angry. He
took a breath, putting his hand to the side of my face. “Look,
at any point tonight you feel anxious, you tell me. This isn't like
the past when I told you that you should push through it and only
push me away when you couldn't take it anymore. This is different. If
you get above a four on that scale, you tell me. And if you don't
feel like you can say it, all you have to do is say the word 'red'
and I'll stop. And I'll try to talk you down. If that doesn't work,
we can be done for the night. I will not be upset. I will not be
disappointed. Understand?”
I
nodded. “Yes.”
“Good.
What is the safe word?”
“Red.”
“Okay,”
he nodded. “Come here,” he said, pulling my face to his
and kissing me until I
felt
it down to the base of my spine. Until it was all there was. Until I
had moved to straddle
him,
to get closer, my hands on both sides of his face, my teeth biting
into his lips.
His
arms went tight around me and he slowly got to his feet. I wrapped my
legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, holding on as he led
us toward the bed. Chase turned, sitting down on the edge of the bed
with me on top of him, simply kissing me back for a long time before
his hands went to the hem of my skirt and pulled it upward. Over my
ass, up my stomach, bunching up by my breasts, waiting.