Authors: Jessica Gadziala
There
was a silence for a long time and then, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
And
no... at the same time.
“That
was...” he paused, looking for the right word. But there
weren't any right words. Words to describe what just happened didn't
exist. “Spectacular,” he finally decided.
“Spectacular”
didn't even come close.
But
it was all there was.
I
wiggled back into him and he pulled me tighter.
I
let that moment hang. I wanted to let myself get lost in it. Just one
more time. The last time. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his
strong body holding me like I was fragile, like I was precious. I
wanted his breath in my ear and his heartbeat against me. I wanted to
wrap the comfort around myself like a blanket to fend against the
cold days ahead.
“What
are you thinking about?” he asked, nuzzling my neck slightly.
“You're tense. Talk to me.”
Alright.
Game
face on.
No
more playing at love.
Back
to the real world.
“I
was wondering about the next session.” And then his body went
tense behind me. “Chase?” I asked, snuggling back toward
him because he had pulled away enough for there to be space between
us. It was a literal metaphor for the emotional space we would soon
we feeling.
“Tomorrow
is Friday.”
“Yeah.”
“Tomorrow
I will take you out to a bar or club. You will dress for it. Whoever
helped you with the dress tonight, if anyone, that's what you need to
wear.”
“I
can do that.”
“You'll
meet me here and we will drive to the destination together. You can
have a drink or two, but no more than that. And then you will do what
I tell you to approach men, or what to say when they approach you.”
“And
where will you be?”
“There,”
he said, more space between us. He was barely even holding me
anymore, his hand on my hip, his body completely disconnected from
mine. “Watching.”
“So
the purpose is...”
“To
get you comfortable interacting with other men, not just me. But
having me there to be a support system if you need it.” He
paused for so long I thought he was done. “We will go in
together, sit down and discuss how to go about... flirting,” he
said the word like it was dirty. “After you get comfortable
doing so with me, I will excuse myself to the bar. Then you will go
to the other end of the bar.”
“By
myself?”
“Yes,
by yourself. Men get intimidated by women with their female friends,
and won't approach a woman there with a man.”
“Okay.”
“When
a man comes up to you...”
“If,”
I corrected, thinking how many men had managed to avoid coming up to
me in the past.
“
When,
”
he said more firmly, “a man comes up to you...”
“What?
Is this some positive thinking nonsense? If I believe in it enough,
suddenly hoards of men will find themselves flocking to me?”
Chase
sighed, a long-suffering sound. He scooted further back, grabbing my
shoulder and pulling until I moved onto my back. He shifted, rising
up on his forearm and looking down at me. He watched me for a second,
shaking his head. “How is it possible that you don't see how
gorgeous you are?”
Oh
fucking
butterflies.
My
belly was a traitor.
“Chase,
really... I'm not...”
“Shut
up. Don't you dare finish that sentence.” His hand went to my
face, cradling my jaw on one side. “How many times have I told
you how beautiful you are?” he asked, to himself. “And
you still don't believe me.”
“It's
not that... it's...”
“It's
what?”
“It's
twenty-some odd years of not feeling that way. Of no one saying that
to me. It's not like I am going to transform my thinking overnight.
But I'm getting better. I mean... could you picture the me who walked
in here for my introductory session wearing the dress I wore
tonight?”
“That's
a good point,” he said, nodding. “Do you believe I mean
it when I say you're beautiful?”
In
his professional opinion?
“There,”
he said, his fingers digging gently into my face. “That look.
What is that look? You've been giving it to me a lot lately.”
It
was a distinct look? That was great. Just lovely.
“What
look?”
He
released my face, rolling onto his back, and raking his hands over
his face. “You're killing me, woman.”
Ditto.
Times
about a million.
“I'll
go,” I said, moving to slide off the opposite side of the bed.
“That's
not what I want.”
I
took a deep breath, my back to him, my feet on the floor. Every ounce
of me was screaming at me to go back to him, to curl up on my safe
spot. For the last time. But maybe I had already gotten too many
'last times' for one night. I would just have to move on.
“I
know,” I said, my voice small as I finally forced myself to
stand. “But it's late.”
“Baby...”
The
soft pleading in my voice felt like someone was grabbing my heart in
their hands and twisting it.
I
grabbed my dress, turning to him with a small, shaky smile. “Yeah?”
But
he had nothing to say.
And
I was tired of pretending I didn't.
So
I slipped into my dress, then reached out and touched his foot from
on top of the sheet. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Seven.”
“As
usual,” I nodded, grabbing my keys and wallet.
He
wasn't even going to walk me to my car.
I
guess we were beyond those kinds of pleasantries.
I
grabbed my jacket and slipped it on, buttoning it all the way up, and
walked outside.
The
slamming door had such a hint of finality to it that I jumped.
It
was ending.
Soon.
After
the Session
“Shay?”
I called, closing and locking the apartment door.
It
was late. But it wasn't that late. She would still be up, primping,
checking social networking sites, taking selfies.
But
the apartment was suspiciously silent. Not even the sound from some
random late-night show. I don't think I had ever walked into my
apartment and found all the electronics and most of the lights off.
I
kicked out of the heels that were making my ankles feel like they
were about to splinter and hung up Shay's jacket on the back of the
door.
Then
I heard laughing, and Shay came dancing out of Jake's room, swatting
his hands as he reached for her. And she wasn't exactly... dressed.
I
looked down at the floor, clearing my throat.
The
laughing stopped and I could swear I heard Jake curse under his
breath.
“So
that's
...
happening,” I grumbled.
I
could practically
hear
them looking at each
other, having a silent conversation with their eyes.
“Ava,”
Jake's voice said, surprising me. I had expected Shay to step up.
“It's nothing. It's...”
“Congratulations
on the sex,” I said, going into the bathroom and stripping.
It
was going to be a three showers kind of day.
Things
were going to be bad enough in a couple days when my therapy with
Chase was over. One of two things was going to happen. Either I got
over my transference right away, and felt a little bit embarrassed
for being such a fool. Or it would linger and I would be feeling what
I was feeling right then: hollow.
And
on top of that, my roommates... the only two people in my life I had
learned to trust and let in, were fucking around. Knowing them both
as well as I did, I knew it was doomed to fail. The question wasn't
if
,
it was
when
.
Then what? I was in the middle? Trying to break up their fights,
trying to reason with them? Being the bad guy who has to say 'you
should have known better'?
Wonderful.
I
was
totally
going to be in the mood for that.
“Look,”
Shay said, coming into the bathroom and slamming the door, making me
jump and stare at the shower curtain like it was going to be pulled
back at any moment. “Don't be getting your knickers in a
bunch,” she said and I could just picture the scowl she was
giving me. “This was all your fault anyhow.”
“Mine?”
I exploded, peeking my head out from behind the curtain. And there
she was. Still bare ass naked. And completely comfortable with it.
“How the hell is it my fault you two are doing something so
stupid?”
Her
brow rose slightly at my choice of words. “You're the one who
kept going on and on about how similar we are and shit.”
“Which
you took to mean 'you two should have sex'?”
“No,
but I mean who would turn down the opportunity to play around with
their twin in opposite sex form?”
“That
sounded... awful.”
“Alright.
Whatever. You know what I meant.”
“Well,
I, for one, would have no interest in having sex with my male
equivalent.”
“Yeah,
but only because you're in a unique situation. Shy girls are hot. Shy
guys are boring as fuck.”
I
felt myself shrugging and slinking back behind the curtain. “Have
you given any thought to how bad an idea this is?”
“Oh,
please...”
“No,
don't 'oh please' me. You live here now. He lives here. And I know
you don't know him like I do, but he is a whore. No girl lasts more
than a night.”
“And
who ever said I wanted more than that?” she asked, then paused.
“Look, I'm a grown woman who has been around the block a few
times. I can spot a man like Jake a mile away. I know exactly how he
operates. That doesn't mean he wouldn't be worth a ride, ya know? Not
all fuck buddies need to last a lifetime. Or even the weekend. We had
fun.”
“And
you really think you're going to be able to walk around like nothing
happened?”
“You
know our delivery guy at work?”
“Yeah...”
“We
used to fuck on every surface of that damn delivery van. You see us
acting like a bunch of bitches over that shit?”
“No.”
In fact, they acted like polite strangers.
“Exactly.”
“Alright,”
I said, sighing. “Fine.”
“What's
the matter with you?”
“Nothing.
I'm fine.”
“Don't,”
Shay said, her voice firm.
“Tomorrow
is the ninth session,” I said, turning the water to cold. “He's
taking me out and teaching me to pick up guys at a bar.”
“And
you don't want to do that because you're in love with him.”
“Fake
love.”
“Yeah,
sure. Whatever you want to call it.”
“Shay...”
I said, my voice cracking slightly.
“I
know,” she said, her voice sounding soft. “Girl, I know.
But you'll be alright. I'll be here.”
I
took a shaky breath. True. That was true. I had more than I ever had
before. Even if I was losing what felt like everything. I wouldn't be
alone again.