Authors: Jessica Gadziala
“Yes.”
“Ava,
why would seeing Dr. Hudson trigger a panic attack? Has something
happened with your... sessions...”
“I
love him.”
The
was a beat of silence. “Alright, Ava. I understand that you
feel that way, that it feels real to you, but it isn't. I need you to
remember that.” That was why I needed to call her. Because she
would ground me. She would remind me. “How far are you in your
sessions?”
“Tonight
is eight.”
“Okay.
That's good. That means in two more days, everything will be a lot
clearer. Your feelings will lessen and then, very suddenly, they will
be gone. And think of how much you will have gained from the
experience.”
That
was true. But it wouldn't be two days. Unfortunately. The next
session would fall on a Friday. And then I couldn't have my final
session until the following Monday. But still. I could live through
it. It was the home stretch.
But
I had just freaked out in front of him again.
And
he was going to want to talk about it.
“Ava,
what are you thinking right now?”
“I
don't know what to say to him about this.”
“The
panic attack?”
“Yeah,
he won't let this go.”
“Well,
because he's a good therapist. He wants to make sure you're in a good
place before you two... progress. Honestly, honey,” she said,
sounding very much like my mother did when she was going to give me
advice she wasn't exactly proud to be telling me. Like how if I just
hauled off and hit the girl who kept teasing me in school, she would
never bother me again. Great advice that worked, but as a mother she
knew she wasn't supposed to tell me to raise my hand to people. “You
are just going to have to do what all women have to do on occasion.”
“What's
that?” I asked, sitting back, my heart settling into a more
normal rhythm.
“Fake
it.”
It
was so unexpected, I laughed. Loud. Loud enough for the people on
line at the hot pretzel stand to look over.
“I
know that is probably not good advice for a therapist to give- to lie
to your other therapist, but this is an unusual situation and
sometimes unorthodox approaches must be tried.”
“I've...
tried. I mean, sort of. I kinda just attempted to shut everything
down. Just be receptive to like... the actual... sex.”
“And
he saw right through that.”
“Yeah.”
“It's
because it's not you. Yes, you can be very shy and reserved, but
there is always a warmth about you. So if you were shutting down, and
all he felt was the cool, of course he was going to tell the
difference.”
“So
I just need to fake it better.”
“Pretty
much.”
Okay.
Alright.
I
could try that.
“Ava,”
Dr. Bowler said, her voice serious again. “I want to see you
the day after your last session with Dr. Hudson. No excuses. I think
this experience has had a lot more effect on you than either of us
had anticipated. I want us to sit down and hash things out so you
don't fall back into old patterns out of habit.”
“I
think that's a good idea,” I agreed, thankful I had her in my
life. I could use all the support system I could get. “I will
let you know when that is.”
“How's
the anxiety?” she asked.
“Better.”
“Okay.
Ava, I know this process has been extremely difficult for you. If you
are having issues, before or after sessions... no matter the time,
you can call my service. I will tell them that calls from you should
be considered emergent and sent through.”
“Thank
you so much.”
“Anytime,
Ava.”
Okay.
Game face on.
I
got up off the bench and made my way back to the apartment. I only
had maybe forty-five minutes left until I needed to be at Chase's
office. I needed to shower and slip into another easy access dress.
Then I needed to be me, but not me.
Which
was going to take a lot more work than it sounded like.
“Well,
finally,” Jake said, his mouth full. “Just leaving us
here to fucking starve. Luckily, Chase here cared enough about
our...”
I
stopped listening after “Chase”.
My
head snapped up to find him leaning against the kitchen counter next
to Shay and Jake who were eating out of take-away containers from the
Italian place. Chase had gotten the food I ordered and brought it
over.
“Are
you okay?”
Of
course he had to be worried about me.
That
was totally helping the confused feelings inside and I couldn't
just... shut them down anymore.
“Better,”
I agreed, putting my purse down.
“Yo
where did ya go?” Shay asked, gesturing with her garlic bread.
“I
had a phone session with Dr. Bowler,” I said, feeling tense.
I
didn't like him in my space. Talking to my people.
Well,
actually. I d
id
like him in my space. I
did
like him
talking to my people. That was the problem.
“Ava...”
Chase said, his voice almost sad. “Why didn't you talk to me?”
I
shook my head. “I don't know. I just... panicked. I needed to
get out of that place. Once I got somewhere, I picked up my phone
and...”
“You
could have called
me
,” Chase said, crossing the room
toward me.
“I
just... wasn't thinking,” I said, looking up at him from under
my lashes, letting the vulnerability show. But not from the aftermath
of the anxiety, from loving someone who didn't love me back.
His
face fell a little, his eyes sad. “It's okay,” he
murmured, reaching for my cheek, stroking over it gently. “As
long as you're alright.”
I
wasn't sure I would ever be alright again.
“I
am. That was just a bad one.”
“Okay,”
he nodded, moving his hand to my shoulder. I glanced past him, seeing
Shay and Jake watching us intently. As if sensing what I was seeing,
he dropped his hand. “I'll see you in forty minutes, okay? Or I
can wait here if you're still not feeling well.”
“I'm
okay,” I said, forcing myself to look in his eyes. “I'm
just going to shower and change and I'll be over.”
“Okay,
baby,” he said, his voice dropping so only I could here. “I'll
be waiting for you.”
He
walked out and I closed the door behind him, turning and leaning
against it like my legs wouldn't hold me anymore.
“Come
eat something,” Shay suggested.
“No,”
I said, shaking my head. I didn't think anything would stay down if I
tried. “I'm just gonna go shower and get dressed. Can I borrow
another of your dresses tonight?” I asked.
“Girl,
I'll lay some on your bed while you're getting your scrub on.”
“You're
the best,” I said absentmindedly as I walked to the bathroom.
I
primped as much as my time would allow. I did my hair. I put on
makeup. I made it look like I wanted to look nice for him. Which, a
part of me still did. A part of me still wanted him to call me
beautiful and perfect, to look at me with wonder. So I let that part
of me take the lead when it came to getting prepared. The other part
of me was inwardly calling it “war paint” because
fighting my feelings for him was feeling like a never ending battle.
“Aight,”
Shay said as I walked in wearing my robe. “I didn't know what
color. So I picked out a few. But I'm thinking that the eighth
session means
red
.”
“Red
sounds great,” I nodded, going to my dresser to grab underwear.
“Thong
or g-string, this material ain't too forgiving of panty lines.”
I
nodded, grabbing a black thong and slipping into it under my robe.
“Bra?”
“Really?”
Shay asked, sounding cynical. “A bra? At this point? Let the
nips show, girl.”
I
snorted, shaking my head and turned to see what she had planned for
me. “Oh,” I breathed out, looking at it.
It
was red. Bright red. And the material was cut in the shape of an
hourglass, covering the breasts, the center of the belly, and hips
and thighs. The sides were covered in a red semi-sheer mesh. The same
mesh went up as straps and then covered the whole back right down to
the very lower back where it met the red material again.
“Yeah,
this is a 'fuck me' dress,” she said, nodding.
That
was exactly what Chase was going to say when he saw it:
fuck me
.
In that half-groan, half-growl he did. I felt a thrill just thinking
about it. “Alright,” I said, grabbing it, “the
'fuck me' dress it is.”
Shay
eventually convinced me to wear her black peacoat over it, buttoning
only one button so I could reach for it as soon as I was in the door
and surprise him.
“Here,
put these on. I think we're the same size,” she said, producing
a pair of black patent leather, red bottom heels.
“No,”
I said, holding up a hand, knowing how much those shoes cost.
“Why
not? You have the 'fuck me' dress. Now you need the 'fuck me' heels.”
“They're
too much. What if I snap a heel off or something?”
“Oh,
so what? I'll make my brothers all chip in to buy me a new pair for
Christmas. Come on, put them on.”
So
I did.
And
I felt way too tall and unsteady in them. But, at the same time,
kinda sexy and powerful. I could use all the confidence boosters I
could get.
Jake
walked in, eating my take-out Italian, nodding. “Going for the
'bend me over and take me' look tonight, I see.”
I
smiled, looking between then. “You know... you two are so
alike,” I said, watching their shared look of skepticism. “No.
Seriously. You think exactly the same. It's crazy.”
I
didn't miss the look they gave each other, like they were trying to
size the other one up.
“Alright,”
I said, spraying on some of the perfume Jake got me, “wish me
luck.”
“Go
get it,” Shay said, swatting my ass.
“Give
it to him good,” Jake added, pinching my butt as I passed.
“Seriously,”
I said, shooting them a look. “Twins.”
Eighth
Session
Alright.
One button buttoned. Heels on. Bright red matte lipstick that was
supposedly kiss proof. I was ready. I took a deep breath, making my
way from the garage. Each click of my heels brought on more nerves.
It felt like the first session all over again somehow. But I was
determined to get through it.
The
door opened, and I shut it behind me, locking it.
But
Chase wasn't in his usual spot.
I
felt a rush of uncertainty, strong enough to make me seriously
consider turning and leaving.
Then
his office door opened and there he was. In a blue suit and a lighter
blue dress shirt. The combination made his eyes positively hypnotic.
Two buttons.
“Ava,”
he breathed my name.
My
hand went to the button, pushing it through the hole, then grabbing
both sides of the lapels and dragging the material quickly off of me.
“
Fuck
me,
” he said.
Just as I had been anticipating. He shook his head slightly and I let
the jacket fall to the ground. I took a step forward, then turned in
a slow circle. When I faced him again, his arm was out, inviting me
to him.
So
I went.
His
arms didn't go around me though, they slid down my arms, taking both
my hands. “You are... So. Fucking. Beautiful.”
Oh
my.
Okay.