The Sexy Vegan Cookbook (7 page)

One 8-ounce package tempeh

4 cloves garlic, grated

1 teaspoon cumin seeds (or ½ teaspoon ground cumin)

¼ teaspoon ground cloves

½ teaspoon ground coriander

1 tablespoon smoked paprika

2 teaspoons dried oregano

2 tablespoons chili powder

Pinch of cinnamon

Salt and pepper

2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 tablespoon sherry vinegar

1 cup vegetable stock

In a large bowl, combine the tempeh, garlic, cumin, cloves, coriander, paprika, oregano, chili powder, cinnamon, a pinch of salt, and a pinch of pepper. With a fork, potato masher, or your very clean hands, mash everything together until the tempeh is completely “ground” and coated in the spices. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat, and add the tempeh mixture. Cook until it gets a bit browned, 5 to 7 minutes. Add the vinegar and cook for 1 minute, then stir in the vegetable stock. Cover and simmer over medium heat, 4 to 5 more minutes, or until the liquid is almost absorbed. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Mostest Ultimate-est Breakfast Sandwich in the History of the Universe

Hangover Hash

Sexy’s Scramble

Morning Benediction

Avocado Toast

The Big One

The Real Man’s Quiche

Sailor’s Oatmeal with Glazed Walnuts

The Almond Brothers Breakfast Bar

Smoothness

IF YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
who like to have a light breakfast like a slice of toast, a piece of fruit, a bowl of cereal, or a carafe of coffee, then this chapter is definitely not for you. These dishes are hearty and filling. They will make you a Saturday-morning god in the bloodshot eyes of your passed-out-on-the-couch friends. They will elevate you to royalty at Sunday brunch. And they will make you a Casanova when served to someone in bed, thus guaranteeing additional Caligula-like activities. Mastering these breakfast recipes will help you earn your official “Stamp of Awesome.”

4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons Scramble Seasoning (see recipe,
page 209
)

Four 3-by-3-by-¼-inch slices drained extra-firm tofu (see Tip,
page 35
)

4 teaspoons vegan mayo (see WTF below)

4 English muffins, halved and toasted

8 strips Tempeh Bacon (see recipe,
page 32
), fully prepared and kept warm

4 Pretend Breakfast Sausage Patties (see recipe,
page 30
), fully prepared and kept warm

1 packed cup mixed greens (like baby romaine, arugula, radicchio, and mesclun)

4 slices beefsteak tomato

Salt and pepper

It is something I have not been able to replicate using household ingredients.

A company called Follow Your Heart makes my favorite one, Vegenaise. It’s made with grapeseed oil, and it’s delicious. You can get it at any health food store or on the interwebs.

In a medium skillet, heat the oil over medium-high heat. Spread out the scramble seasoning on a plate, pat the tofu dry, and dredge both sides of each slice in the seasoning. When the oil in the pan is hot, carefully add your tofu slices. Cook, without moving the tofu, for 4 to 5 minutes, or until browned on one side. Flip and cook the other side for 4 to 5 minutes, or until browned.

Spread ½ teaspoon mayo on each toasted muffin half and assemble sandwiches from the bottom up in the following order: 1 muffin half, 2 strips of tempeh bacon, 1 slice of tofu, 1 sausage patty, ¼ cup of greens, 1 slice of tomato, salt and pepper, another muffin half. Eat.

½ cup quinoa, rinsed thoroughly (see Tip, next page)

Water

Salt

2 large russet potatoes, peeled and diced

4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

Pepper

1 cup thinly sliced leek

1 cup diced red bell pepper

4 cups sliced cremini mushrooms

8 Pretend Breakfast Sausage Patties (see recipe,
page 30
), fully prepared and roughly chopped

2 tablespoons minced fresh Italian parsley

In a small pot, cover the quinoa with 1 cup of water and add a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and let simmer, covered, for 10 to 12 minutes, or until the quinoa is soft and the water is completely absorbed. Spread it out on a wide pan or plate so that it cools quickly and doesn’t overcook. Set aside.

In another small pot, cover the potato with cold water and bring to a boil. Boil until fork-tender, 4 to 6 minutes. Drain and let drip-dry in a colander for 2 to 3 minutes. In a medium bowl, toss the potatoes in 2 teaspoons of the oil, the paprika, and salt and pepper.

In a large pan or skillet, heat the remaining 2 teaspoons of oil over medium-high heat. Add the leek, bell pepper, mushrooms, and a pinch of salt. Cook for 4 to 5 minutes, then push them off to the side to make room for the potatoes. Add the seasoned potatoes to the pan and let them brown for 2 to 3 minutes, without stirring. Carefully flip the potatoes and let them brown on the other side for 2 more minutes. Add the quinoa, sausage, parsley, and salt and pepper to taste, and stir until evenly combined. Gently press the hash into an even layer with the back of a spatula. Let it brown on this side for about 2 minutes, then divvy it up into 4 portions and scarf it down.