The Shadow of the Lynx (27 page)

“I shall keep them both,” she said.

“I have a lovely sandalwood box.

There’s plenty of room in it. ” She looked at me obliquely. What was she implying? That one day there would be three veils in the box?

But I refused to be affected by a foolish woman whose mind was clearly not well balanced.

I left her and went into the library. Lynx was there, his eyes agleam with pleasure at the sight of me.

Lynx and I went to Melbourne in style. We drove in the special carriage he had had made for himself and we changed horses every ten miles at the coaching inns. He drove part of the way himself, and then how we sped along!

We lived in the grand suite in his hotel, and I was alone some part of the day when he was doing business. I was surprised that he did not take me with him but I realized later that it was because this business concerned his leaving Australia, and knowing my feelings about this, he did not wish to spoil our holiday.

We dined in our private suite and I was so happy that I refused to listen to the voice within which told me that there was another reason for this visit than simple pleasure.

But holiday it was. In the mornings we drove into the nearby country, out to Richmond and beyond along the Yarra Yarra, almost out to the Dandenong country. We went to concerts

‘d there were many invitations, most of which he declined; but he did give an evening’s entertainment at the hotel and the big dining-room was turned into a banqueting hall. There was supper and a concert to follow when a new pianist, who was much admired in Europe, was making his debut in Australia.

Wearing a white satin dress, my only ornament a diamond brooch and a ring with one enormous diamond, I stood beside him and received our guests. I was proud because I could see the great respect he inspired was not with his family only.

We were congratulated. I knew that eyebrows were raised because I was so much younger than he was. I wanted to explain to them that age was of no importance, particularly where Lynx was concerned. Lynx was ageless; I felt convinced then that he would live for ever—long after I was dead.

I sat listening to the pianist. Those haunting Chopin melodies would always remind me of this evening. There was something sad and wistful about them; I felt that they implied the transience of joy and happiness, the inevitable disillusion. How absurd! It was due to Jessica with her veils and boxes that I should have such thoughts.

Now he had gone into the Military Polonaise. That was stirring and lively and my spirits were lifted.

I heard two women whispering together.

“Lavish! No expense spared.”

“Expense! This is nothing. He’s many times a millionaire.”

“What luck! Trust him to get it. And so much.”

“Now he’s got this young girl and his fortune.”

I shouldn’t listen. I wished I hadn’t such acute ears. I was sure I heard someone say: “Do you think it will last?” And I shivered because it seemed as though Jessica was beside me, folding her veils neatly into a box in which there was plenty of room for more.

I was not in the least shy of these people. Since my marriage, I had changed. I had become a woman of the world; I was desired; I was loved by a man who could not enter a room without every eye being turned on him. I could say to myself: “And he chose me!” And that made me hold my head higher. In my white satin gown I felt perfectly groomed and at ease. Perhaps I looked more than my nineteen years, but that was unimportant since I was the wife of Lynx. I was

constantly catching his eye and we exchanged looks of understanding. I wanted him to be proud of me.

I mingled with the guests. We talked of Melbourne and how it had grown since I had arrived in Australia. I discussed the new buildings, the shops and the theatre.

“I hope you will come into Melbourne more often, Mrs. Herrick,” said one woman.

“There is plenty of time before next February.”

I was not quite sure what she meant and I repeated “February?”

“Isn’t that when you are leaving us? Your husband was saying that he thought it would be better to arrive in England during the warm weather.”

oh yes,” I said, ‘of course.”

“And how excited you must be! I hope you will come back some day. But England was quite recently your home, wasn’t it? So it will not be new to you.”

I was not listening. So he had arranged the date of leaving and he had not told me. I felt angry because once more as in the days before our marriage he had shown me that although he would indulge me in unimportant matters of our life, the big issues would be decided by him.

He said: “What a success you werel I was proud of you. You looked very different from the school teacher who arrived in our midst two years ago.”

I was silently standing before the long mirror and he came and put his arms about me, looking over my head at our reflection.

“I hear you have made arrangements for us to leave for England,” I said stonily.

Oh, that’s it! Did one of those fools tell you? It must have been the Adams woman. Really, Adams should not discuss his client’s business with his wife. “

“The fact remains that you have made these arrangements.”

“I like to get everything in hand.”

“That’s in five or six months’ time, then.”

“I thought you would like to arrive in good weather.”

“That,” I retorted, ‘was extremely considerate of you. “

“My darling knows I always consider her comforts.” I stared at his reflection in the mirror.

“Since we are falling into this irritating habit of discussing her as though she is not present, she will say that she would like her wishes

to be considered as assiduously as her comforts. “

“It is my pleasure to give in to those wishes whenever possible.”

“Which means when they don’t inconvenience you at all.”

“It’s this ridiculous matter of leaving the country. I’m surprised at you, Nora. This town—which I admit is growing and will doubtless be a very fine place in due course—can’t be compared with home.”

“I want to stay here,” I said. I turned to him pleadingly.

“Please, I know that it is best for us to stay here.”

“How can you know such things? You talk as though you’re prophetess.”

“I know why you’re going to England.”

I am taking my family there because there they can live in a manner suited to their . “

“Fortune,” I said.

“Which was founded by me.”

“My clever Nora! I’ll never forget that day you came in and held out the nugget to me. You looked scared as though you had behaved in some reprehensible manner.

“I wish …” I began. But it wasn’t true than wished I hadn’t found gold. I was glad now even. as I ever was, that I had been the one to make the miraculous discovery.

He had become tender suddenly as though my discovery of gold gave me the privilege of being stupid about other matters.

“Nora, leave everything to me.”

“I daresay it would please you to have a stupid wife who said, ” Yes, yes, you are wonderful. You are always right. Do just as you wish and I will go on saying how right and clever you are. ” He burst out laughing. Then he shook his head at me.

“It’s no use, Nora. We’re going.”

“And when we get there we are going to acquire Whiteladies by evil hook or wicked crook.”

“How beautifully you express it.”

“So you are determined. Oh, Lynx, why do you want that house? Let’s get another house nearby if you like that part of the country. Or we could build our own.”

His face had hardened. He was like the man I had met when I first came. There was a certain coldness in his manner towards me which frightened me and which wounded me more than I had thought possible.

“This is something you don’t understand,” he said.

“We are going to England, and when we get there I shall decide

what we are going to do. “

“You mean I have no say in it?”

I turned away and walked to the window. I was fighting the impulse to give way, to say: “I will do as you wish. 1 only want you to go on loving me.” But that would be false to myself. He had loved me for myself in the beginning. I had not been afraid of him then; I would not be now.

“I mean,” he said, ‘that you will be sensible as you usually are and realize that you know nothing of this matter and be happy to leave it to me. “

I turned to him and ran into his arms.

“Then tell me,” I said.

“Tell me everything.”

There was a sofa in the room; he sat down and drew me to him. I lay against him while he began to talk of those long ago days. I had heard it before but I don’t think I ever fully realized before the depth of degradation he had plumbed nor how deeply the bitterness had entered his soul. He was going to own that house; the wound festered still;

this was the only balm which could heal it.

“Need it be?” I asked.

“It’s changed, hasn’t it? You have me now.”

“I have you,” he agreed, ‘and when I have Whiteladies I shall be completely content. “

“Am I not enough?”

“You give me all I hoped for in human relationships. You are my precious jewel. But I need a setting for you and only one will satisfy me.”

“I would be quite happy in a different setting.”

“But I would not.”

“Because I do not believe this is the right setting for me.”

“How can you know?”

I lifted my head and looked at him fiercely.

“I do know. I am certain of it. Revenge is an evil thing. It hurts people. There is no happiness to be gained by hurting others. Oh, Lynx, you have given me so much. You have changed me. You have taught me how to grow up and I love you with all my heart. I ask this one thing of you. Give up this wild plan.”

“It’s the only thing you could ask which I can’t give you.”

“But, Lynx, we are together. We have our lives. A house is only bricks and mortar.”

“It can be a symbol.”

“You are rich. You could buy a great house … a stately

home of your own. There must be some for sale in England. “

“You say you do not wish to go to England.”

“Should I care where we were if we were together?”

“My dearest girl,” he said tenderly.

And because of his softened mood, I went on: “It is revenge and hatred that I am afraid of. There is no happiness through them. If you acquired this house you would never be happy there.”

“Nonsense!” he said sharply.

“How could you be, knowing you have turned out the rightful owners.”

“For precisely that reason. And they would no longer be the rightful owners. I should. Don’t let’s speak of it any more. You will see for yourself when you are there.”

“I don’t believe in shelving a subject and pretending it doesn’t exist just because it is unpleasant.”

He yawned. My common sense told me to drop the subject, to accept what he had planned and perhaps later do my best to heal this terrible wound which he had kept open all these years. But some persistence drove me on.

“There is something petty about it,” I insisted.

“Petty!” he cried.

“What nonsense are you talking?”

“It’s like visiting the sins of the fathers on the children ” My God, Nora, you’ve become like some ranting missionary. “

“I only know that it is not only wrong to nurse a grievance, it’s also folly.”

“And you call seven years’ degrading captivity a grievance?”

“It doesn’t matter what suffering there was …”

“Certainly not to those who didn’t have to endure it ” I didn’t mean it that way. “

“Do you know what you do mean? Listen^ Nora. I’m losing my patience.”

“And I’m in danger of losing mine.”

He laughed, not in the pleasant happy way to which I had become accustomed, but disagreeably. His face hardened and his eyes glinted;

he squared his shoulders and looked invincible.

“Perhaps,” he said, ‘it is time you and I came to an understanding.

You have to realize that I am master in my own house. “

“Does that mean that I am not to speak unless spoken to?”

“I shall always be glad for you to speak when you have

something sensible to say. But you must understand wittiout delay that I expect obedience from my wife. “

This was not like the lover I had known. This was the arrogant man of whom I had been aware and resented when I first came to Australia. No, I thought. I shall not be the meek wife he wants. I shall be myself and if I have an opinion I am not going to deny it simply because he doesn’t share it. He might have his desires for revenge with which he was not going to allow me to interfere—well, I had my integrity, my determination to preserve myself as an individual, and much as I loved him, much as my being called out for a return to the old tenderness. I was not going to pay the price he was asking for it.

I said: “If you imagine you will get a meek yes from me to everything you say you have made a mistake. In fact I am beginning to think that our marriage may have been a mistake.”

“You are in a frivolous mood tonight,” he said lightly.

“Your success with the ladies and gentlemen of Melbourne has gone to your head.”

“I am completely serious and this has nothing to do with the ladies and gentlemen of Melbourne. It is a matter between us two. I will not agree with all your views. I cannot regard you as my lord and master whose word must be law and whose opinon is always right because he is a man and I am a woman.”

“Did I ever ask you to be such an insipid fool?”

“It seems you are telling me that is what you expect.”

“Which shows how illogical you are. You know I like to hear your opinions, but I will not have you dictating to me on matters of major importance. I’ve had enough of this. Let’s go to bed.”

But I stood my ground firmly. I knew that we could not dismiss the matter as simply as that. It would be a continual irritation between us. I could see it building up to a great barrier.

“I must discuss this with you.”

“I have said I have nothing to discuss.”

“So you plan to go to England, to acquire Whiteladies and not talk it over with me.”