“But your brother’s in college?”
“He was the exception. He’s the first one in our clan to finish high school.” I’d always thought that fact was due to Maggie’s insistence, but now that I thought about it, maybe it was part of Pop’s plans all along. It was a bit convenient that he allowed Shay to go to high school, and then soon after he graduated, revealed a long con he’d had in the works since we were little kids. One that just so happened to require someone with a high school education.
“Weren’t you jealous that your brother got to finish school and you didn’t?”
“Not at the time. In fact, I pitied him. I got to have fun out on the road with my uncle and cousin while he was stuck at home studying, but now I’m not too sure.” I wanted to change the topic. “What are your plans?”
Tracy smiled and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “I’m going to college next year. I’m hoping to get into LSU, but if I don’t, I’ll take classes at the community college here until I have enough credits to transfer.” She threw her head back and looked at the ceiling with a grin.
“There something up there?” I joked, pretending to inspect the ceiling tile over our heads.
Tracy looked back at me confused for a moment, then realized what I was saying. “I have a weird habit of looking at the ceiling when I’m excited. I’ve done it forever, but now that Maw Maw’s passed, I like to think that I’m looking up at her.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“No, it’s all right. Maw Maw was always my biggest cheerleader. She raised me. Have I told you about her?”
“No,” I said softly. “What happened to your parents?”
“My dad was never around as far as I can remember, and my mom ran off when I was little. She was addicted to drugs. Don’t know what happened to her. But Maw Maw was always there for me. This was her trailer, in fact. She left it to me when she died.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Over three years now. I was eighteen, but still in high school. I had planned to go to college right after I graduated, but between the cost of Maw Maw’s funeral and everything else, I couldn’t afford it. I’d already been working at the hardware store, and they agreed to up my hours. I’ve been doing that for the last three years, saving up, and I finally have enough together to go full time. Now I just hope I get accepted. LSU has always been my dream.”
“I’m sure you’ll get in,” I said.
“I don’t know. I’m worried they won’t like the fact that I took off that time, although I didn’t do terrible in school and my SATs were pretty good.”
SATs? They sounded vaguely familiar. I was pretty sure they were some sort of test you took to get into college. I think Shay took them when he was in high school, but most Travelers didn’t stay in school long enough to ever even hear of that test.
When Tracy and I were just having fun it was easy to forget that we came from different worlds. We fit together so well, but then things like this came up and I remembered how different we were. How little I knew about things country people cared about.
“I can’t believe how much you’ve done on your own.” I picked her hand up off my chest and laced my fingers between hers.
“I haven’t done that much.” She stared at our linked hands.
“Sure you did,” I said. “You never really had any parents. Then your grandmother died before you finished high school. Most people would’ve been crushed under all that weight, but look at what all you’ve done. You’ve made a nice place for yourself—”
“It was Maw Maw’s place.”
“Yeah, but you’ve kept it up. You’re going to LSU—”
“I don’t know if I’m getting in yet.”
I sighed. “You’re getting in. Just accept it, Tracy. You’re something special.” The thought of everything she’d been through made my heart hurt.
“I guess I don’t really think about it,” Tracy said. “Sometimes life really sucks, but you just have to keep going. That’s what Maw Maw always said. You just have to keep going. And I’m glad I have, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met you.”
She snuggled against me. I slipped my arm under her waist and pulled her up so she was lying fully on top of me. She laid her head against my chest, and I stroked her hair. It was like silk under my fingers. “I promise you, Trace. Now that I’m here, nothing bad will ever happen to you again. I won’t let it.”
“You can’t promise that,” she said, although the fight usually in her voice had softened to a gentle chiding.
“Sure I can. You’ve been strong long enough. Now it’s time to let me be strong for you.”
I expected her to argue, but she only pressed herself tighter against me. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. Didn’t know how I could protect Tracy and Maggie and my brother, but at that moment I decided that I’d find a way. Now that I’d found her, there was no way I was letting her go.
C
HAPTER
T
WELVE
“WAKE UP YOU lazy bones.” Maggie’s voice steamrolled through the fog of my sleep.
I rolled over so my back was to her. “Leave me alone,” I groaned.
“What time did you get home last night?”
My brain still wasn’t working, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I pulled my pillow over my head, hoping she’d leave me alone.
I should’ve known better.
I heard two sharp steps toward me. The pillow was yanked off my head. When Maggie spoke again her voice was in my ear. “Get up. I want to talk to you.”
Jeez. Maggie was insistent when she wanted something, but wanting to chat usually wasn’t top of the list.
“What?” I rolled over to look at her. Her back was to me now, pouring two cups of tea into mugs. I jumped down off the shelf bed and stumbled over to where I kept my clothes. I pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt, then sat down to the table with Maggie. “I was taking a nap.”
“It’s eight o’clock in the evening.”
“So?”
“That’s too late to nap,” she took a small sip of her tea. “Tired from your late night last night?”
“Maybe.”
“What time did you come in?”
“I’m sure you know to the second when I came home last night.”
“Two forty-seven,” she said, a gleam in her eye.
“See.” I couldn’t help but smile.
“So are you going to tell me about her?”
“Who?”
“The girl you’re seeing.”
“How do you—”
“No use playing dumb with me,” she interrupted. “Out with it, James Reilly.”
“Her name’s Tracy.”
“So she’s not a Traveler.”
“No.”
“Good,” she said firmly.
“Good?”
“If you’re going to mess about with some girl, better that it’s not one whose life you’ll ruin if it ever gets out.”
“So you’re not mad?”
Maggie took a long pull from her mug. “Jimmy, I haven’t made a lot of mistakes in my life, but the few I have made were huge. The sort you can never take back. The sort that keep you lying awake until three in the morning twenty years later. And let me tell you, not a single one of those mistakes came from chasing after the person I loved.”
Now that was more like Maggie. Talking in riddles. Telling you something that sounded meaningful, but actually made no sense. Inscrutable. Impossible to understand or interpret.
“I just don’t know how to make it work,” I said. “The thought of never seeing her again kills me, but what am I supposed to do? Leave the clan? I could never do that to you or Shay.”
“Don’t you worry about Shay or me. We’ll be just fine.”
I stared at Maggie, mouth hanging open. Why was she being so cool about this? Usually she was beyond over-protective.
“Years ago I was faced with a similar choice,” she said, almost as in answer to my unasked question. “Twice, in fact. And both times I decided that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave the only community I’d ever known, especially not in a strange country. But I was wrong. Love might not be all you need, but if you have that, you can figure everything else out later. If you really like this girl, hang onto her. The worst thing you could do is live a life filled with regrets.”
“Is that what you’ve done? Lived a life filled with regrets?” What was she talking about? I’d always known Maggie carried a weight of sadness around with her. She wore it around her neck everyday like the little silver pendant I never saw her without. But I’d thought that was because of losing my da. Now I was starting to think there might be something more to it. Something even deeper.
She stood up and collected our mugs, putting them both in the sink. I thought she wasn’t going to answer, but then she turned around and put a cool palm on my cheek. “The greatest thing about having children,” she said, “especially two sweet boys like you and Shay, is that no matter what I may have done wrong in the past, it’s redeemed because it brought me these two beautiful babies. Or men now, I guess.” She smiled, but there wasn’t much joy in it.
She gazed down at me for a long moment. I wanted to squirm away from her touch like I’d done when I was small, but I didn’t. Maggie had never revealed this much of herself before, and I didn’t want to lose the moment.
It dawned on me that I’d never thought of my mother as having much of an inner life. Not one with any complexity, anyway. Maggie was always so sure and strong. The idea of her having any regrets was a shock.
Finally she dropped her hand and her whole demeanor changed. This time when she smiled the familiar all-knowing glint was back in her eyes. “So, you make sure to be the gentleman I raised you to be, and the kind of man your da would be proud of, and you’ll have nothing to worry about where that girl is concerned.” She kissed the top of my head.
It took me a long moment to process the conversation we’d just had. Apparently there was a lot that I still had to learn about my mother, but there was one thing I did know. When Maggie gave you advice, you were an idiot not to take it.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket.
Hey Bruiser
, I texted.
When can I see you again?
C
HAPTER
T
HIRTEEN
I DIDN’T HAVE to wait long before the phone pinged with Tracy’s reply, and we made plans to meet at her place in an hour.
I walked into our tiny bathroom, which was basically just a shower with a toilet in it, and hosed myself off. I got out, shaved at the kitchen sink, and put on some cologne that I found in one of Shay’s drawers.
I put the finishing touches on my hair, which mostly involved making sure it was mussed in a nonchalant, cute way rather than in a gross, just-finished-a-week-long-bender way, and headed toward the door.
“Jimmy,” Maggie said as my hand grabbed for the handle.
“Yes’m?” I turned to face her, smiling, but the look in her eyes made the grin fade. She looked…scared. I walked back over to the small table and sat down. “I thought you said I should make things work with Tracy?”
“It’s not that.” She waved the notion away and moved to sit down across from me. “There are a lot of things I haven’t told you, and I’m afraid they’re beginning to close in on me. I’ve done everything I could to protect you and Shay, but now…” she trailed off, and looked out of our little window. “I’m worried I can’t keep you safe anymore.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, as usual. Going out on the road always held its dangers, but what did that have to do with her? Maggie never did anything but make tea and tell people what she thought of them.
“Is this about Shay? Do you want me to go up there? To Pennsylvania? If you told me what was going on I could—”
“I don’t,” Maggie said so quickly she almost choked on the words. What the hell was happening to her? She sucked in a deep breath through her nose. “You going up there would only complicate things more.”
“Maggie, I don’t know what you want me to do.”
She dropped her face into her palms. I wondered if she was crying, but she didn’t move or make a sound. After a long moment, she picked her head up and faced me again, her cheeks dry. “I think I’m just nervous because the Sheedy boys are back early and Pat said he didn’t want Emma seeing me anymore.”
“The Sheedys are back early? All of them?” That wasn’t like them at all. The Sheedys liked to milk every last penny out of the season. Coming home, what, three weeks early? There had to be something big going on.
“Well, not all of them,” Maggie said. “From what I heard Judd’s not back with them, but it makes me wonder….”
“Wonder what?”
She looked like she was struggling with whether to tell me something, but apparently silence won because her mouth stayed shut.
“God damn it, Maggie!” I slammed my fist into the table, which creaked ominously. “Just tell me what the hell is going on!”
Maggie’s eyes went wide and her mouth fell open. I’d yelled at a lot of people in my life, but never her. She wasn’t someone you could yell at, or would ever really want to, but I was tired of impossible to understand or interpret. Tired of her keeping me in the dark for months. Tired of her never really opening up to me about anything: my da, how he died, her bizarre relationship with Pop Sheedy. But more than anything, I was pissed she’d let Shay go up to Balanova to settle some sort of score without telling me a damn thing about it.
Maggie put her head in her hands again, and this time I was sure she was crying. Her shoulders shook and pained gasping sounds rumbled from deep within her.
“Just tell me what you know and maybe I could help.”
“I, I can’t.” She went silent for such a long time I thought she was done speaking, but she wiped her face messily with her hand, smearing the tearstains that streaked down her cheeks. “If I tell you all of it, you’ll never forgive me. You’ll never forgive what I’ve done.”
I should’ve apologized. Should’ve tried to comfort her. Should’ve told her I could forgive her anything, but I didn’t. I was too angry. “It’s sort of hard to forgive you,
Maggie
.” I said her name like it was a fly I’d found in my soup. “When I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about. But you know what? I’ve spent my entire life looking out for Shay. He’s more than a brother to me. He’s my whole life. And if you’ve done something to put him in danger, then you’re right. I won’t forgive you.”