The Shrinking Man (20 page)

A man came around the corner of the tent and started toward him. Scott froze into immobility and the man walked by without noticing him. It was a thing about people. They did not look down expecting to see anything but dogs and cats.

When the man was out on the sidewalk, Scott moved on again, ducking through the triangles the ropes made with the ground and the tent side.

He stopped before a pale bar of light that poked out from beneath the tent, blocking his path. He looked at the loosened canvas, delicate excitement mounting in him. Impulsively he got on his knees, then fell forward on his chest on the cold ground, lifted the flap, and, wriggling forward a little, peered in.

He found himself looking at the hind end of a two-headed cow. It was standing in a hay-strewn, rope-enclosed square, staring at the people with four glossy eyes: It was dead.

The first smile Scott had managed in more than a month eased his tight little face. If he had jotted down a list of all the things in the world he might have seen in this tent, somewhere near the bottom of the list he might conceivably have put a dead two-headed cow pointed the wrong way.

His gaze moved around the tent. He couldn’t see what was on the other side of the aisle; clustering people hid the view. On his side, he saw a six-legged dog; (two of the legs atrophied stumps), a cow with skin like a human being’s, a goat with three legs and four horns, a pink horse, and a fat pig that had adopted a thin chicken. He looked over the assemblage, the faint smile wavering on his lips. Monster show, he thought.

And then the smile faded. Because it had occurred to him how remarkable an exhibit he would make, posed, say, between the chicken-mothering pig and the dead two-headed cow. Scott Carey,
Homo reductus
.

He drew back into the night and stood up, brushing automatically at his corduroy rompers and jacket. He should have stayed in the car; it had been stupid to leave.

Yet he didn’t start back; he couldn’t make himself start back. He trudged past the end of the tent and saw people Walking, heard the clatter of wooden bottles being struck by flying baseballs, the pop of rifles, and the tiny explosions of burst balloons. He heard the dirgelike grind of the merry-go-round music.

A man came out through the back doorway of one of the booths. He glanced at Scott. Scott kept walking, moving quickly behind the next tent.

“Hey, kid,” he heard the man call.

He broke into a run, looking for a place to hide. There was a trailer parked behind the tent. He raced to it and crouched behind a thick-tired wheel, peering around the edge.

Fifteen yeards away he saw the man appear at the corner of the tent and, fists poked on hips, look around. Then, after a few seconds, the man grunted and went away. Scott stood up and started to leave the shadow of the trailer, then stopped. Someone was singing overhead.

Scott’s face grew taut-browed with attention. “If I loved you,” sang the voice, “time and again I would try to say…”

He moved from under the trailer and looked up at the white-curtained
window glowing with light. He could still hear the singing, faint and sweet. He stared at the window, feeling a strange restlessness.

The happy screams of a girl in the Loop-the-Loop shook him loose from his reverie. He started away from the trailer, then turned and went back. He stood beside it until the song was ended. Then he walked slowly around the trailer, looking up first at one window, then at the other and wondering why he felt so drawn to that voice.

Then he became fully conscious of the steps that led up to the windowed door of the trailer, and convulsively he jumped up on the first one.

It was just the right height.

His heart began to throb suddenly, his hand clamped rigidly on the waist-high railing. Breath shook in his shallow chest. It couldn’t be!

He moved slowly up the steps until he stood just below the door that was only a little higher than he was. There were some words painted under its window, but he couldn’t read them. He felt his skin alive with strange, electric pricklings. He couldn’t help himself; he moved up the last two steps and stood before the door.

Breath stopped. It was his world, his very own world—chairs and a couch that he could sit on without being engulfed; tables he could stand beside and reach across instead of walk under; lamps he could switch on and off, not stand futilely beneath as if they were trees.

She came into the little room and saw him standing there.

His stomach muscles jerked in suddenly. He wavered there, staring blankly at the woman, sounds of disbelief hovering in his throat.

The woman stood rooted to the floor, one hand pressed against her cheek, her eyes round and still with shock. Time stood stricken and apart while she stared at him. It’s a dream, his mind insisted. It
is
a dream.

Then the woman slowly, stiffly started for the door.

He shrank away. He almost slipped off the step edge. He flailed out at the railing and jerked himself rigidly upright as the woman opened the tiny door.

“Who are you?” she asked in a frightened whisper.

He couldn’t take his eyes from her fragile face; her doll-like nose and lips, her irises like pale-green beads, her ears like faded rose petals barely seen through hair of fine-spun gold.

“Please,” she said, holding the bodice of her robe together with tiny alabaster hands.

“I’m Scott Carey,” he said, his voice thin with shock.

“Scott Carey,” she said. She didn’t know the name. “Are you…” She faltered. “Are you… like me?”

He was shivering now. “Yes,” he said.
“Yes
.”

“Oh.” It was as if she breathed the word.

They stared at each other.

“I… heard you singing,” he said.

“Yes, I—” A nervous smile twitched her pale lips. “Please,” she said, “Will you… come in?”

He stepped into the trailer without hesitation. It was as though he’d known her all his life and had come back from a long journey. He saw the words that were on the door: “Mrs. Tom Thumb.” He stood there staring at her with a strange, black hunger.

She closed the door and turned to face him.

“I’m… I was surprised,” she said. She shook her head and once more drew together the bodice of her yellow robe. “It’s such a surprise,” she said.

“I know,” he said. He bit his lower lip. “I’m the shrinking man,” he blurted, wanting her to know.

She didn’t speak for a long moment. Then she said, “Oh,” and he didn’t know what it was he heard in her voice, whether it was disappointment or pity or emptiness. Their eyes still clung.

“My name is Clarice,” the woman said.

Their small hands clasped and did not let go. He couldn’t breathe right; air faltered in his lungs.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, drawing back her hand.

He swallowed dryly. “I… came,” was all he could say. He kept staring at her with stark eyes that would not believe. Then he saw a darkening flush creep into her cheeks and he sucked in a calming breath. “I’m—I’m so sorry,” he said. “It’s just that I haven’t—” he gestured helplessly—“haven’t seen anyone like
me
. It’s…” He shook his head in little twitching movements. “I can’t tell you what it’s like.”

“I know, I know,” she answered quickly, looking intently at him. “When—” She cleared her throat. “When I saw you at the door, I didn’t know what to think.” Her laugh was faint and trembling. “I thought maybe I was losing my mind.”

“You’re alone?” he asked suddenly.

She stared at him blankly. “Alone?” she asked, not understanding.

“I mean your—your name. On the door,” he said, not even realizing that he had alarmed her.

Her face relaxed into its natural soft lines. She smiled a sad smile. “Oh,” she said, “it’s what I’m called.” She shrugged her small round shoulders. “It’s just what they call me,” she said.

“Oh.” He nodded. “I see.” He kept trying to swallow the hard, dry lump in his throat. He felt dizzy. His fingertips tingled like frozen fingers being thawed. “I see,” he said again.

They kept staring at each other as if they just couldn’t believe it was true.

“I guess you read about me,” he said.

“Yes, I did,” she answered. “I’m sorry that…”

He shook his head. “It’s not important.” A shudder ran down his back. “It’s so good to—” He stood motionless, looking into her gentle eyes. “Clarice,” he murmured. “So good to…” His hands twitched as he repressed the desire to reach out and touch her. “It was such a surprise seeing the—the room here,” he said hastily. “I’m so used to—” he shrugged nervously—“
vast
things. When I saw those steps leading up here…”

“I’m glad you came up,” Clarice said.

“So am I,” he answered. Her gaze dropped from his, then rose instantly as if she feared he might disappear if she looked away too long.

“It’s really an accident I’m here,” she said. “I don’t usually work the off seasons. But the owner of this carnival is an old friend who’s feeling the pinch a little. And—well, I’m glad I’m here.”

They looked at each other steadily.

“It’s a lonely life,” he said.

“Yes,” she answered softly, “it can be lonely.”

They were silent again, looking. She smiled restively.

“If I’d stayed home,” he said, “I wouldn’t have seen you.”

“I know.”

Another shudder rippled down his arms.

“Clarice,” he said.

“Yes?”

“You have a pretty name,” he said. The hunger was tearing at him now, shaking him.

“Thank you—Scott,” she said.

He bit his lips. “Clarice, I wish…”

She looked back at him a long moment. Then, without a word, she stepped close to him and laid her cheek against his. She stood quietly as he put his arms around her.

“Oh,” he whispered, “Oh, God. To—”

She sobbed and pressed against him suddenly, her small hands catching at his back. Wordlessly they clung to each other in the quiet room, their tear-wet cheeks together.

“My dear,” she murmured, “my dear, my dear.”

He drew back his head and looked into her glistening eyes.

“If you knew,” he said brokenly. “If you—”

“I
do
know,” she said, running a trembling hand across his cheek.

“Yes. Of course you do.”

He leaned forward and felt her warm lips change under his from soft acceptance to a harsh, demanding hunger.

He held her tensely. “Oh, God, to be a man again,” he whispered. “Just to be a man again. To hold you like this.”

“Yes.
Do
hold me. It’s been so long.”

After a few minutes, Clarice led him to the couch and they sat there holding tightly to each other’s hands, smiling at each other.

“It’s strange,” she said, “I feel so close to you. And yet I never saw you in my life before.”

“It’s because we’re the same,” he said. “Because we share the pity of our lives.”

“Pity?” she murmured.

He looked up from his shoes. “My feet are touching the floor,” he said wonderingly. His chuckle was melancholy. “Such a little thing,” he said, “but it’s the first time in so long that my feet have touched the floor when I’ve sat down. Do you—” He squeezed her hand. “You do know; you
do,”
he said.

“You said pity,” she said.

He looked a moment at her concerned face. “Isn’t it pity?” he asked. “Aren’t we pitiful?”

“I don’t…” Distress flickered in her eyes. “I never thought of myself as pitiful.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m
sorry,”
he said. “I didn’t mean to—” His face was contrite. “It’s just that I’ve become so bitter. I’ve been alone, Clarice. All alone. Once I was past a certain height, I was absolutely alone.” He stroked her hand without consciousness. “It’s why I feel so—so strongly toward you. Why I…”

“Scott!”

They pressed against each other and he could feel her heartbeat hitting at his chest like a little hand.

“Yes, you
have
been alone,” she said. “So alone. I’ve had others like me—like us. I was even married once.” Her voice faded to a whisper. “I almost had a child.”

“Oh, I—”

“No, no, don’t say anything,” she begged. “It’s been easier for me. I’ve been like this all my life. I’ve had time to adjust.”

A shuddering breath bellowed his lungs. He said—he couldn’t help saying it—“Someday even you’ll be a giant to me.”

“Oh, my dear.” She pressed his face to her breasts, still stroking his hair. “How terrible it’s been for you; to see your wife and child magnifying every day—leaving you behind.”

Her body had a clean, sweet smell. He drank in the perfume of it, trying to forget everything except her presence and her soothing voice, the blessing of each moment as it was.

“How did you get here?” she asked him, and he told her. “Oh,” she said, “won’t she be frightened if—”

His urgent whisper cut her off. “Don’t make me go.”

She drew him more securely against the yielding swell of her breasts. “No, no,” she said quickly. “No, stay as long as—”

She stopped. He heard her swallowing again and he asked, “What is it?”

She hesitated before answering. “Just that I have to give another show in—” she twisted slightly, looking at the clock across the room— “ten minutes.”

“No!” He clung to her desperately.

Her breathing grew heavier. “If only you could stay with me a little while. Just a
little
while.”

He didn’t know what to say. He straightened up and looked at her tense face. He drew in a shaky breath.

“I can’t,” he said. “She’ll be waiting. She’ll—” His hands stirred
fitfully in his lap, grew immobile once again. “It’s no use,” he said.

She bent forward and pressed both palms gently to his cheeks. She put her lips on his. He ran shaking hands over her arms, his fingertips scratching delicately at the silk robe. Her arms slid around his neck.

“Would she be so frightened if—” she began, breaking off as she kissed his cheek. He still couldn’t answer. She drew back and he stared at her flushed face. Her eyes fell.

“You mustn’t, please, you mustn’t think I’m just an—an
awful
person,” she said. “I’ve always lived—decently. I just…” Nervously she ran smoothing fingers over the lap of her robe. “I just feel, as you said, so
strongly
toward you. After all, it’s not as if we were just two people in a world of people all alike. We’re—we’re only
two
of us. If we went a thousand miles we wouldn’t find another. It just doesn’t seem the same as if—”