Authors: Kiera Cass
“You sure you don’t mind going alone?” Ben asked.
“No, no. You’re a dad now. Sometimes you’re going to need to stay home. You just take care of my girl,” Akinli said. His face was still tired looking, and he still hadn’t bothered with shaving.
“Yeah, I will. Just with Julie having a cold, and now Becky getting the sniffles, she’s just afraid they’ll keep making each other sick. And I’m germ free,” Ben said, proud as he could be of his immune system.
“It’s no problem, really.” Akinli loved his family. Even under the tiredness, it echoed.
“Don’t go overboard today. Just do the minimum, and I’ll be there tomorrow,” Ben told him.
“Sure thing, boss,” Akinli replied, with a small smile on his face.
Akinli started walking; it was a nice day for a walk. Once he was gone and Ben went back inside, I set off on foot. It was a little easier to navigate the trees in the sunlight. But I would eventually have to leave them as they didn’t go right up to the edge of the coast. It took some work, but I made it out to the same little area where Akinli had once taken me on his boat.
Akinli was on the boat alone. I was far away, but I knew the boat easily. And his shape would be unmistakable to me anywhere. He was almost totally isolated. There weren’t very many boats out today. I didn’t remember if that’s how it was when we had gone out together. I only really paid attention to him.
From a distance, I watched him. It was a strange comfort to be near him. I wondered if it would be a comfort to see him get married. Maybe by then I would have talked myself into losing track of him. I couldn’t say. He did his work mechanically. He didn’t pay too much attention. He dropped the traps for the lobsters, but didn’t pull any in. He did the minimum as Ben had asked. It seemed all too easy for him to obey. I couldn’t stand to see him moving like that.
Akinli looked like a ghost. He, like I, was just going through the motions of living. I’d have to clear this all up. I was thinking up a story for how I would come to the house this afternoon when my plan changed for me.
He wasn’t himself, or he would have been more careful. He did something to make himself stumble, but the siding of the boat hid the reason from me. I saw Akinli plainly hit his head on the stern of the boat and heard the splash of his body hitting the water.
Ouch! It hurt me just to see that. He was going to have a serious headache for the rest of the day. I watched to see where he would come up.
But he didn’t.
There was no sign of a struggle against the water, no sound. I looked to the other boats. Didn’t anyone notice him fall? Before, when we walked through town together, it seemed like everyone noticed him. Was that not the case anymore? Was Akinli a ghost to them, too? No one budged.
You would think, all things considered, that I would have struggled more with the decision. But once I knew Akinli wasn’t coming up, I didn’t have to think at all. I did what I had to do. I dove in.
The Ocean was surprised, of course. She demanded to know why I was there. I was supposed to be in France.
Why do You
think
I’m here?
She raised Her voice at me. She said I was going to have to move on, behave with more restraint. She went on but I heard none of it. I couldn’t find him, and I was getting anxious. The water wasn’t that deep, there was only so far he could go. Then I saw him, six feet below me, sinking away from his ship. I wrapped my arms around his chest and started pulling him to the surface.
But I was pulled back down.
The Ocean wanted to know what I thought I was doing.
I have to get him to air!
He fell into the water. He was drowning. He was Hers now.
No! No, spare him!
No, he was Hers to have.
I’ll bring you another in his place. A hundred, a thousand! I’ll do it all myself even, just let this one go.
That wasn’t how it worked.
I know, I know. I’m asking You to bend Your unbreakable rules. Please, let him live!
No.
I started going into hysterics.
Please! God, please! Let him live. Do it for me, I beg You. Please
!
It’s not possible.
But it is! It is possible, if You would let him go! You can do that. Please! Do it for me. You told me You loved me. If You love me half as much as You say You do, please don’t take him from me! Please!
I cried and I cried.
Please!
I pulled him up against the restraint.
Please!
And… I felt Her grip loosen.
Please, for me, let him go!
She released us. I couldn’t believe it. I could have run a thousand marathons on the energy I felt in that moment.
I was to get him to the surface and come back to Her immediately.
She was livid.
Of course! Of course! Thank You!
I kept my grip tight as I swam to the surface with all my strength. This was one of those occasions when I was truly grateful for my body. No average girl could swim that deep or hold on for this long. No average girl could have held her breath or been strong enough to lift him onto the boat. I could. I would have to thank Her for that.
I turned Akinli onto his side and hit his back. It took a few times, but he started to cough up the water. I was relieved. He coughed and shivered and fell onto his back. I saw the huge welt forming on his head. He would be in a lot of pain, but at least he was alive. As he shifted, I saw beside him that his keys and the glossy paper from the dresser had fallen out of his pocket.
From this proximity, it was obviously not a set of instructions. Not even close. It was a tiny piece of notebook paper he had home-laminated with packing tape. When it wore down from folding, he patched it up. It stayed with him always. I picked it up and saw, in my own handwriting, the words he was determined to hold onto.
Maybe one day another life might catch up with me. Or there could be no other life at all. I guess I couldn’t say for sure. Either way, I
choose
Akinli. There are some things you just know. And I know I want Akinli. I hope that will always be a good enough answer: that he’s what I would take over
anything
else.
I remembered with perfect clarity that day with Julie. Oh my. I wondered at all the meanings that had for him. He knew I wanted him more than anything. That’s why he held on. He believed me. Even if I had left the necklace, he would have held onto my words.
And another life catching up with me… he had found me speechless and crying alone. He thought I had suffered. Maybe whoever had made me suffer had taken me from him. Oh no! I remembered the little tantrum I threw in my room just before I left. Clothes everywhere, blankets askew, window open from my departure. It would have looked like a struggle, a struggle that he hadn’t heard because he was arguing with Casey.
He wasn’t just worried that I wouldn’t come back, but that I
couldn’t
. All this time I knew where he was, but he was tortured, imagining the worse for me. Possibly even blaming himself for not being able to save me again.
“Kahlen,” his weak voice said. I looked down to find his eyes half open. Just hearing him say my name felt so good. I smiled at him.
“Is that you?” he asked.
I nodded.
“You’re safe.” He was absolutely weak, but he still managed to find the energy to convey the excitement he felt at that.
“I have to tell you. I didn’t want Casey. I’m sorry. I love you. Stay with me.” His words were mumbled and ran together. He wasn’t all there. At least I had that in my favor.
I wished I could stay. But I had just been given his life as a gift, and now I had to obey.
I shook my head.
“Why? I know I hurt you. But I’ll make it up to you. I’ll do…”
I put my fingers over his mouth to silence him. I couldn’t handle him thinking this was his fault. I bent down and gently kissed him. His body was a little cool from the water, but his lips, so predictably, were warm. The hair on his face scratched my skin. His lips moved slowly with mine. It was a new kind of kiss, one I hadn’t gotten the last time; it was a good-bye kiss.
As I pulled back I saw him smile. His eyes closed again, and he fell into unconsciousness. I didn’t want to leave him there on the boat. He could have a concussion. He wouldn’t even know how he got there. But I had to get back to Her. She had been undoubtedly too kind. I kissed Akinli one more time, though he could not respond. I picked up one of the bricks they put in the traps to help them sink and heaved it at a neighboring boat. The sound was thunderous.
“Hey!” someone called. They would come to investigate. I dove into the water.
Thank You! Thank You so much! I’ll do anything You want to show You how grateful I am. I owe You this lifetime and the next.
She said nothing in return. She jerked me down so hard I could almost feel the fist around my arm.
CHAPTER
16
The Ocean had guided me to places before, but never like this. It was agitated, quick, deliberate. I wondered if this was what Ifama felt before she died. I assumed that must be what was about to happen. I expected it. I waited to feel it. In my head I quietly rejoiced. At least Elizabeth and Miaka wouldn’t have to see it.
I was surprised by how sharply I remembered the way it felt the day I thought I was drowning. I remembered being in the Sea and feeling the ache in my muscles. I remembered wondering if all my bones were broken from the force of Her waves. The fatigue that covered me and the grainy burning in my lungs all appeared fresh in my memory. I waited for that moment to resurrect itself.
It never did.
For a long time She pulled me, furious. My clothes faded away, and I saw the proof of my stolen identity tear into pieces and sink. The dress that covered me was almost black. It had taken me years to realize there was significance to the colors we wore— they echoed our surroundings. What did black mean?
In my mind, black meant death. She was dressing me for my funeral. As I was wondering this, I felt my neck lighten by just a touch. My necklace broke away from me. I reached into the darkness for it, but we moved so fast I had no hope.
No! No, my necklace.
I held back the sobs. If I had my necklace, I felt like Akinli was with me. It hurt more to have it disappear than it did for me to think about the unavoidable punishment at hand. But She would not slow. She was angry. I didn’t know how much more time I had, so I took the opportunity to speak to Her. I couldn’t say if She would listen, but at least I would say what I needed to.
I’m sorry I disobeyed You. I know why You wanted me to stay away, but it just hurt too much to not know. I just had to see how he was. I don’t know what You saw, but he missed me. He missed me like I missed him. He looked awful.
She was silent.
When I saw how bad it was, I was planning for a way to set him free. Yes, I
was
going to visit him. But I was going to come in, stay a day and then fake my death. I was going to drown. I swear that was what I was going to do once I knew what he was feeling. He thought I was going to come back to him. I was going to make sure he knew that I couldn’t. I swear, I wasn’t going to stay. I was trying to think of a plan to go back and die to him when I saw him fall in…
Still nothing.
I’m sorry. I am. I guess I should tell You while I’m confessing, I brought Miaka and Elizabeth into this. They don’t know about him, but I got them to go on a cruise with me. I told them I had something I had to do and left them in Florida. As far as I know, they’re still there and clueless.
She didn’t say anything, but I felt Her anger surge. It was one thing for me to make a mess, but to use my sisters to do it was another thing entirely. I was bothered by Her silence more than I had been by Her yelling at me. Once we started our conversational relationship all those years ago, we had always spoken. When I was upset or happy, when She was tired or nostalgic. Everything had always been on the table. It was frightening to finally have something we could not discuss.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I disobeyed, I’m sorry I abandoned my sisters, and I’m sorry I asked You to let him go... But thank You. Thank You so much.
Nothing.
I know You’re going to punish me now. I understand. But still, thank You
.
She remained impassive.
I stayed silent while She pulled me farther and farther down. There had been times when I was so miserable about Akinli that I sank deep inside of Her to hide, but I had never gone this far. Schools of fish dodged me as She carelessly tugged away. I nearly hit so many of them. After a while the schools dwindled, and there were only larger, solitary fish swimming around. Then they too were gone. Not much longer after that, I lost all sign of life and light.