Authors: June Ahern
REMEMBERING HELEN
L
IGHT FILTERED THROUGH the stained glass windows at Holy Savior Church. The pure voices of the many children singing hymns at Mass sounded heavenly to Cathy. She wished the singing could have continued as she watched the priest ascend to the pulpit. During the sermon her mind drifted like the fog over Twin Peaks and out to the ocean. The priest began to read the names of the dearly departed souls. When he said, “Let us pray for Helen Marie MacDonald,” the words pierced Cathy’s heart like a dagger. As she bowed her head, her black scarf slipped forward, threatening to cover her eyes.
On Saturday afternoon
when Cathy arrived home from confession, Jimmy told her that he had petitioned a Mass in memory of Helen the following day––Sunday. Cathy did not respond to his announcement, almost as if she hadn’t heard. She still couldn’t believe it had been a year since her sweet wee lassie had passed on. The grieving mother berated herself for not doing enough to save Helen. She felt responsible for not going straight to Dr. MacFadden as soon as Helen began having troubles, but as usual, she had listened to Jimmy. If she had been stronger and had taken control, then maybe her precious little girl would still be alive.
The move to America was supposed to relieve her grief. Instead
, it only caused a greater feeling of separation. She wiped away the tears that began to seep out from her closed eyes. She wondered if Jimmy felt guilty also. She glanced in his direction. She saw that his face was downcast.
Consumed with guilt, she pulled her hand away when June
’s small fingers tried to engage her. Her thoughts were too dark and moody. She felt she didn’t deserve her children. Helen’s death was her penance for the wrongs she had done. Looking to the statue of Our Lady holding Baby Jesus, Cathy wondered if She had felt helpless and without hope at her son’s death, as she had felt with Helen’s death. The distraught mother prayed to Our Lady in hope of finding some absolution, but found none. God’s mother had been a virgin without sin and that is where their differences started. Cathy’s lips moved as she silently prayed another “Hail Mary.”
June sat in the pew, squeezed between her mother and Mary. She anxiously swung her legs back and forth as her eyes roamed around the church, lookin
g for some sort of interaction––a smile at least. No one paid her any attention.
As she stared at the dancing light of the sun shimmering through the stained glass window, she saw her angel appear. The angel was raising her hand as though
in a blessing. June was certain she was sending a message that she would see Helen at Mass.
She looked first at her father, but his eyes were closed and his hands were clenched ti
ghtly on his lap. She knew he missed Helen a lot, too. She then turned to her mother. She could feel her sadness. In hopes of alleviating her sorrow, she lightly touched her mother’s hand, only to have her push it away.
Her hurt at the rejection lasted only a second. A happy surprise made June gasp at the miracle appearing before her eyes. Standing alongside the
statue of Our Lady was Helen––waving! She pulled on her mother’s sleeve and pointed to her sister. “Mommy, wave at Helen,” she said. But instead of making her happy, as June had hoped, Cathy began softly sobbing into a hankie.
Mary
’s voice was the next to interrupt the quietness of the Mass. “Mommy, why are you crying?” People in the pews nearby turned toward the MacDonald family.
“
Mommy won’t say hello to Helen,” June said loudly.
“
Be quiet,” Annie hissed.
People shook their heads at the disruption.
Jimmy leaned across Mary and June and whispered, “Let’s go, Cath.” The girls followed him as he stepped outside the pew to give their mother room to pass. He motioned for everyone to follow and quickly whisked his family out of the church. Jimmy gave his arm to his wife. She clung to it and leaned into him for support. Annie took tight hold of June’s hand to keep her away from their mother. Outside the church she warned her sisters to say no more about Helen. She reminded them of the sadness of the day.
The walk home was a somber affair. The usual chattering and skipping was replaced with silence and trudging feet.
As they walked down the street, they passed Andy’s Donut Shop with its scent of baking donuts permeating the air around the red-framed shop. Jimmy suddenly stopped and clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention.
“
How about donuts and hot chocolate this morning?” he asked.
The girls looked at him aghast. Mary questioned her father
’s odd offer, “Daddy, won’t we be too full for Mommy’s Sunday breakfast?”
Everyone was ravished, since they never ate on Sunday mornings until after they had taken Holy Communion at Mass. Once they got home
, Cathy would cook a big breakfast of eggs, sausages, potatoes and lots of buttered toast. They wouldn’t eat again until Sunday dinner was served, which was another special event.
But the donuts looked good anyway. Jimmy raised a questioning eyebrow at his wife. Her small smile was an affirmative reply. The family walked happily into the sweet-smelling donut shop.
As soon as they arrived home, Cathy told the girls to change out of their church clothes and she went to do the same. Jimmy entered their bedroom as she was changing. With her dress and slip laid out on the bed, he watched as she rolled down her stockings below her knees and removed her garter belt, exposing her waist. She was still slender
, even after birthing so many children. She caught Jimmy’s reflection watching her in the mirror. Modestly, she turned her back to him.
“
I made plans with Sandy to take the kids to the beach today,” he said.
She screwed up her face in a worried frown.
“I really don’t feel like going to the beach.”
Quickly
he said, “No, of course not. Why don’t you lie down and take it easy?”
He pulled the large brown bag that held their beach things out of the closet.
“I’ll let the girls have some rides at Playland, too,” he said.
Cathy loved going to Playland as much as the girls did. The amusement park at the beach had some wonderful rides, although they were very costly.
“Can we afford that?” she asked.
“
It’s a special treat today.”
She knew he was trying to make the day easier for her. She had cried that morning while they were stil
l in bed. She had told him she couldn’t face the day. Jimmy had held her, stroking her hair and told her not to worry. He said he would take care of the girls. But still she worried.
“What time will you
be home for dinner?” she asked.
“
Don’t bother. I’ll bring home fish and chips,” he said readily.
She sighed deeply.
“I don’t know, Jimmy. The girls look forward to their Sunday dinners.”
“
Let’s try to make this a good day. Please.”
Jimmy finished hanging up his Sunday suit and pulled a vest over his shirt.
She went up to him and without words, pulled him into her arms. For a moment their grief mingled together.
A tiny rap on the door cut short their embrace. Jimmy warned the intruder not to enter.
Cathy grabbed her Capri pants. An overwhelming weakness engulfed Cathy’s entire being. She collapsed onto the bed and curled into a fetal position.
Jimmy took the extra blanket from the closet, folded it across her, and tiptoed out of the room.
Mary and June stood behind the door.
“
They’re kissing,” Mary whispered too quietly for June to hear.
“
What are they doing?” June asked loudly.
The door opened abruptly.
“Are you ready to go?” their father asked.
Peeping past him, June saw her mother lying in bed. Her young, curious eyes stared up at him.
“Were you kissing Mommy?”
Mary elbowed her sharply and said,
“Let’s go help make sandwiches!” and off they ran down the hallway to the kitchen.
Several pieces of white bread with jam and butter were spread across the kitchen table. Annie carefully assembled the sandwiches as Maggie put apples into brown lunch bags. Annie pointed to a big metal thermos on the shelf and told Mary to fill it with Kool-Aid.
“Mommy and Daddy were kissing,” announced June.
“
Big deal. That’s what moms and dads do,” Maggie said, taking the wax paper from a drawer.
The kitchen was already scattered with used silverware and breadcrumbs
when their father entered it.
Annie
quickly told him, “I’m going to clean up, Daddy.”
“
Let me help,” he said. “We’ve got to get going. Sandy will be here in minute.”
Sandy was parked at the curb, the radio blaring a baseball game when the MacDonalds spilled out of the building. He motioned for Jimmy to get in the front seat and the girls to sit in the back.
Annie opened the back door and hesitated, not wanting to get in.
“Can’t I sit in front, Uncle Sandy?” she asked.
“
Kids in the back. Son, move over, please,” he said cheerfully.
Sandy
’s son Mark, a plump boy Mary’s age, didn’t budge. June had to crawl over him to get in.
“
I’m not going to sit with girls!” he said kicking his legs against the back of the front seat. His voice rose into a shrill scream, “Daddy!”
“
No problem, wee man. Come sit with us men,” Sandy said.
“
Good riddance to bad rubbish,” Maggie said under her breath about the seven-year-old boy.
“
He’s a fat brat,” June added. The girls giggled and nodded their heads in agreement as they drove off.
The fog lay thick in the direction of the beach as they drove up Market Street. It
’ll burn off, Sandy told them. The girls cheered at the prediction. With the good mood in the car, everyone began to sing funny Scottish songs. The girls gleefully sang one of their favorites, “I love a sausage, a bonnie hielin’ sausage. I love a sausage for my tea. I went to the lobby to meet my Uncle Bobby, the sausage came aft’r me!”
Even when Mark asked what some words meant Annie educated him sincerely.
“Heilin’ is how they say Highland and they make really good sausages there. We had them when we went on holiday, and it’s true that sometimes they come alive and chase you.” The girls burst out laughing at Annie’s made-up story. The girls went on to sing more of their Scottish favorites. At the end of each song, Jimmy and Sandy would shout, “Up Dublin, down Belfast!” Annie told her sisters that it was a cheer for Catholic Dublin and a put-down for Protestant Belfast. June didn’t understand what that meant and simply repeated what everyone else said.
When they arrived at the beach, the fog had lifted to reveal one of the rare warm San Francisco July days. Uncle Sandy asked the kids if they wanted to go first to the beach or to Playland. The kids squealed,
“Playland!”
The day
’s fun started with Laughing Sal, a Playland favorite. The huge mechanical red-haired woman could be hilariously funny or a scary sight, depending upon the viewer. Her mad cackle bellowed out from the Playhouse. Maggie and Mary jumped back, feigning fright, then bent over in belly laughs. June held her fists to her mouth, wide-eyed and giggling in awe of Sal. Annie laughed heartily over the large preposterous face of the mechanical lady. It was a fun game to try not to hoot when Sal began her hysterical laugh.
Mark was afraid of Laughing Sal
and ran away, yelling for his Daddy. Mary pursed her lips and waved her hands, mimicking him running away. “Sissy boy,” she said.
June saw that
her father and Uncle Sandy hadn’t seen them make fun of Mark. The men had turned away from the kids and were talking and laughing. She wished every day was like being at Playland.
Jimmy and Sandy strolled through the amusement park with beers in hand as their kids scattered with their coveted tickets to go on the rides. Jimmy decided to let the girls enjoy themselves for a few hour
s. But when he sounded the ear-piercing MacDonald whistle the family knew so well, he expected his daughters to come running.
When none of the girls showed up, he went in search for them. He stopped first at the Playhouse. He cupped his eyes to peer inside, looking for the telltale sign of June
’s red hair. He looked over at the big, spinning human record player and watched the kids fly off as the speed picked up. With no sign of them there, he continued the search, passing the Loop-by-Loop rocket planes and the Tilt-A-Whirl, the crazily spinning platform, where riders sit in half-dome-shaped cars and try not to get sick.
After a while Jimmy spotted Mary, who was sitting on a bench wiping off her mouth as she hung her head down between her legs. It took only a few questions to find out the cause of her
illness; mixing an It’s It ice cream sandwich with a hot dog and the Tilt-A-Whirl.
When Mary was finally steady on her feet, they went to find the others. They first found Annie and June, who were just getting off the Big Dipper roller coaster. He told Annie to find Maggie and meet him by Laughing Sal so they could all leave and go to the beach together.
The search ended when Annie found Maggie behind the wheel of a red Dodge ‘Em bumper car. She was forcing a teen boy’s car into the corner so aggressively that it looked like his teeth chipped with each bump. The sound she made was reminiscent of Laughing Sal. With the bell announcing the end of the ride, Maggie got out and slid across the slippery metal floor toward the exit. Annie waited at the gate pinching her nostrils. She hated the strange smell of burnt electricity that came from the bumper cars.
With glistening cat eyes, Maggie asked,
“Did you see I won?”
“
Yeah, yeah. We gotta go,” Annie said.
With the entire group now assembled, they walked across the street to the beach to watch the setting sun. The kids, mellowed by the busy, exciting day, sunk their tired feet into the cooling sand. The beach was mostly empty, except for a few lovers walking arm-in-arm, silhouetted by the orange glow of the sun dipping
, gracefully into the horizon. The kids ran ahead of the men toward the water’s edge. June picked up a stick and handed it to Annie, asking her to write Helen’s name in the wet sand. “So she knows that we still love her,” she said.