Authors: Martha Faë
“Eat,” he says. It sounds more like an invitation than an order.
I feel insulted. Soon my blood starts to boil and my bad temper comes bubbling up, just like all my finest moments in my actual life. He didn’t bring me here to search for the missing people at all!
“Wow, what a lovely park,” I say sarcastically.
William takes a peanut and pops it into my mouth. I sit there paralyzed, the cone clutched tightly in my hands, unable to react. After a moment I start chewing. Any second now my patience will wear thin and I will flip out. He’s about to get an earful, I swear... I’ll make him eat the whole thing, even the paper. William takes a handful of nuts and begins to eat, acting casual. His eyelashes move quickly and I realize that his empty eye sockets are monitoring the building, its perimeter, the street.
I’m the world’s biggest idiot. We’re here because it must be a particularly suspicious place. We’re on a stakeout; the nuts are just a pretext for sitting down and looking around without attracting any attention. Here comes that shrinking feeling again, just like at the party, just like so many other times in my life. I’m an expert by now. I can feel as small as an ant in a matter of seconds. I try to calm down. There’s no reason to feel this way—at least I didn’t say anything. At least I didn’t explode. Let’s analyze this. Sure, I may have snorted a few times, and I may have even turned my angry stare on William, I can’t say for sure, but at least I didn’t say anything I have to regret. There’s still time for me to seem mature and intelligent.
Mature... who am I kidding? If I were, I would have settled things with Axel a long time ago. Even that day in the dorm I could have asked him what he was hiding from me. If I were really mature, I would have insisted until I got my answer. But instead... I just watched him, like always. Silently, trying to guess at what he wasn’t telling me. Wondering if what he said he felt for me was really true.
Axel put his arms around me when he felt me turn over on the mattress. The two of us were facing the window. Midday sun filtered in through the gap between the too-small college dorm curtains.
“They’re hideous,” I said, pointing up at the ugliest pattern I had ever seen.
“And you’re beautiful.”
I turned over and met Axel’s hazel eyes. His head resting on the pillow, his usual smile. I knew perfectly well he was lying. I was never pretty, not even as a little girl. You might think that all kids are cute, but I wasn’t. And to be honest, I never cared. It’s not that I came to terms with it; I just never cared. The world doesn’t belong to the beautiful people, it belongs to the people who know their way around it. I was proud of not being taken in by the illusions that made other people’s lives bitter.
“Enough with that crap about how beautiful I am!”
Axel tightened his arms around me. I felt his soft touch, the warmth of his body. At times like this, even for just a few minutes, things seemed to make sense. Being intimate with him... Well, he was the only person I’d been with, but I didn’t need a point of reference to know what I liked. It definitely was one of best things about life—Laura wasn’t wrong when she went on and on about sex. I always suspected she was speaking more from hearsay than actual experience, but either way she wasn’t wrong—sex really was fantastic. I rested my head on Axel’s chest and let go of the weight that I always carried with me, the blame I laid on myself for staying with him.
Axel was quiet. His heartbeat set a rhythm for my thoughts and the sheets lay softly on my back. That silence, that wonderful sense of peace. It felt like my body was growing light, like it might float away. Even the rays of sun that slipped between the world’s most hideous curtains seemed beautiful to me right then.
“What would your parents say?” Axel asked suddenly.
“If they knew I was here with you? If they saw me like this?” The thought amused me.
“No, if they knew that at the end of summer they’ll be leaving you right in your boyfriend’s clutches.”
We both laughed. Axel made some kind of goofy werewolf face, which was adorable. But alarm bells were going off in my head:
Boyfriend?
Really? I realized I had let things go too far. Too much time had passed. Without realizing it I’d reached the point where I loved him, not that I’d ever said it out loud. But I did love him. Images of Marion sobbing uncontrollably over some heartbreak sprang to my mind. Laura and I looking at her, hugging her, totally unable to say anything that would take away her pain. A whole string of past failed relationships appeared in my mind like a warning:
do you want to suffer like this, too
? I loved Axel, no question, but all the reasons he couldn’t possibly love me—at least not forever—weighed more heavily on me.
“This isn’t love,” I snapped, cutting his laughter off abruptly.
“Of course it is,” he answered solemnly, gazing at me. “It is, and you are beautiful, even if you won’t accept it.”
I got up and started picking my clothing up off the floor, grumpily tossing aside Axel’s t-shirt and jeans.
“I’m smarter than I am pretty. I know it. That’s how it is, and I’m proud of it.”
The words sounded ridiculous the moment they left my lips. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that I was smart enough to break things off with him right then.
“A person isn’t just one thing. Would you say I’m just one thing?”
I looked at him for a few moments.
“I don’t know what you are, Axel. I have no idea.”
“But you do know. I know you do, I can feel it. Feelings don’t lie. You know who I am, you know my real self, my essence—just like I know yours.”
I looked at him, still undressed. I could hardly find my things while he was blathering on like that. I looked at him, my eyes daring him to tell me what that essence was that he thought he knew. My inability to make a decision had left me in a terrible mood that I really couldn’t control. Axel had no idea who I was; I was the only one who knew myself, and frankly I still had a lot of doubts on that point. If he was so clever, if he was so sure of his feelings, why didn’t he just go ahead and tell me? Axel rose to the challenge that I’d thrown down like a glove.
“You are smart, for sure, you’re right about that. But you’re wrong if you think your intelligence cancels out your beauty. You’re pretty, beautiful, even though it bothers you, even though you hide inside giant t-shirts, even though you cover your face with your gorgeous hair. You’re hard as a rock but still so sensitive that you’d hurt everyone around you just to protect yourself. You’re strong, stubborn, brave. You’re a walking paradox. You don’t think you deserve love, and that’s the thing in life that makes you angriest of all. You try and make people leave you alone while you wish they wouldn’t. You need all the attention you reject. You wall yourself off, you shut yourself away, not because you hate the world, but to protect something valuable you have inside. Something that I think has been broken too many times already.”
“I have a lot of faults,” I said, as tears rolled down my cheeks and fell onto my chest.
“You’re full of them. I’ll make you a list if you want. I’d collect them if I could. I wouldn’t give up a single one.”
I sat down slowly on the edge of the bed. Axel took my hands and pulled me back down next to him. I felt the pillow growing damp from the slow, silent weeping I couldn’t seem to stop. I didn’t even try to find the words to answer; my mind had gone blank, had become a strangely comforting void.
“I adore the good side and the bad side of you, Eurydice. That’s called love, and I’d say it’s true love.”
“You can’t love someone with a bad side,” I said, trying not to sniffle. I felt horrible; I must have looked horrible. I’m sure my face was swollen and red. “If you know my bad side, if you know it’s there, you can’t love me.” Axel looked at me, perplexed. “You can love my good side, but not the bad...”
“You love or you don’t love, Dissie. It’s a whole. A complete thing.”
“You can’t love...” I didn’t know how to go on.
“I can, and you can’t even imagine how lucky I feel because of it, how grateful I am that you bring that out in me. I love, even though you hate me for saying it. I even love that you hate me for saying it. I’ll take the whole thing: your wants, your worries, your weaknesses, everything you are, and everything you never will be. That’s your essence. I love you for what you never will be, too.”
I stared at Axel, feeling the weight of frustration in my chest, unable to read what was really behind his hazel eyes. I didn’t know who he was, I didn’t have a clue. I didn’t know his essence. Was I more miserable because of it? I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now. I think that was the moment that my protective shell shattered. I should never have let it happen. It was the best and the worst moment of my life. I think right then is when the gears that brought me here began to turn.
I hated Axel for making me feel incomplete, for making me realize that I lacked the good luck, the ability to love that he was so grateful for. I stood up and got dressed, still feeling the warmth of his embrace, holding it safe and close it beneath my clothes. He got up and kissed me before I left his room, still silent. I remember reaching up to touch my lips once I was alone in the hallway, unable to comprehend what had just happened.
My hand drops automatically to the cone, now empty. When my fingers touch the paper I feel my stomach drop. How much time has passed? I cast a sidelong glance at William. Has he realized what I was thinking about? The sun is beginning to set, and the air is so damp and thick that it seems to settle heavily inside my bones, even in the middle of summer. I draw my shoulders up against the cold and try to keep my mouth closed as I yawn. Nothing’s happening. I guess nothing happened the entire time I was lost in my memories. Then something moves. A hooded monk comes out of the building, his hands tucked into the wide sleeves of his habit. As he passes he and William greet each other with a quick nod.
William gets up from the bench.
“Ambrosio...” he calls.
The man begins to run, his sandals slapping against the cobblestones. I leap to my feet, ready to give chase, but William stops me. I look up at the sky. The leaden tone of the light is beginning to deepen. On the horizon a distant ray of light refuses to go out, cutting through the sky like an eraser tracing a line on a page darkened with charcoal. William pulls gently at my jacket. I try to relax, but my muscles are tensed. He looks at me and at once I understand what we’re going to do.
We creep stealthily into the monastery. The silence is so absolute that you can hear the leaves of the trees in the central courtyard whispering in the wind, dancing in stark contrast to the unmoving stone archways. I have to concentrate on the investigation. This is the first time in my life that I can do something serious, something truly important. We move slowly along beneath the arches until suddenly William throws himself on me like a tiger leaping on its prey. He wraps his arms around me. I don’t know what to say. Our faces are practically touching. We stand there for a half a second, hidden behind a column, and then a group of monks passes by in the direction of the chapel. I’m an idiot, an imbecile, such an idiot! How could I not hear them coming? My heart is beating so loudly I’m afraid the monks will hear it. A long line of monks walks past us—all looking down at the ground, luckily. They go into the church. It’s been a minute or two since the last of them passed out of view, but William’s arms are still fastened tight around me. I can feel his breath in my ear. The monks’ voices join and rise in a chant.
What are you waiting for? You can let go of me already
—I think it, but somehow I can’t say it. Come on, they’re at mass, the danger is over. Then, at last, the wooden prison of William’s arms loosens.
I follow him without saying a word. We walk along cautiously, and I, at least, a little fearfully. The lines of the building are severe and even the stones themselves seem to demand discipline and penitence. William peers in between the bars of the small windows that sit high on the wooden doors. Finally his hand stops at one of the doorknobs. The cell belongs to Ambrosio, the monk who ran away when he saw us in the garden. A bloody whip lies on the bed, a crude crucifix hangs on the wall, and the stub of a candle sits on a metal plate on the only little table in the room.
“How did you know...?” I ask, startled.
William points to the remnants of some symbols drawn on the hard clay floor. The light is almost completely gone, but I can make out a huge star surrounded by a circle and some other shapes I’ve never seen before.
“Magic symbols,” he murmurs, sweeping his foot across the drawing.
Under the window is a large wooden trunk. William tries to open it, but his hands fumble across a padlock. He looks at me. He doesn’t need to say a word: we join forces and start pulling at the lid together, but the lock won’t give. In our struggle the trunk shifts a little, and something falls behind it. I jump back, but William doesn’t hesitate. He pounces on the object and takes it straight over to the window. I stand there, petrified. I’ve forgotten how to breathe. In the middle of a black and white world I’m staring at a lace-edged handkerchief with a brilliant scarlet stain, the only trace of color I’ve seen since the accident. The image of the blood running down Mercutio’s neck comes back to me like a bolt of lightning. I feel dizzy, and for a moment I’m afraid I’ll faint, just like at the beach.
Then my certainty brings my strength back. I’m sure, completely sure, that it’s blood, and not just because of the scarlet color. I noticed a sour odor the moment we walked into the cell, an unpleasantly familiar odor I couldn’t place until now. It’s blood. And the smell is far too strong to be coming just from the handkerchief. It’s sharp, and so powerful there must be a huge amount of it. I close my eyes for a moment so I can concentrate. A warm odor, still alive, like a heart beating right under my nose. Some primal instinct takes over. I’ve got to find where the smell is coming from. We might be just in time to save someone. Someone needs my help. Quickly I drop to my knees and look under the bed while William watches, astonished. Darkness is sweeping over us, and I have to feel around desperately with my hands to find what my eyes can no longer see.