The Stepmother (22 page)

I put my head into my hands.

“Tessa was very upset and Jimmy, as ever, wouldn't take sides, so…I'm not defending what Tessa did—”

“What did she do?”

“It was Friday night. She'd been at work all week—”

“Faith. What did Tessa do?”

“She said Amber was sabotaging the wedding, had somehow planned this Friday-night attack, accused her of being selfish and not wanting her father to be happy. Jimmy tried to be diplomatic. He failed. Amber walked out. Apparently, Tessa followed suit this morning.”

I stared at her. “I'd better call Jimmy.”

I
RANG THE BELL AND WAITED NERVOUSLY ON THE DOORSTEP
. I
HADN'T
been alone with Jimmy for a long time. Too long. He opened the door. He looked terrible.

“Oh, Jimmy,” I said, hugging him.

“Thanks for coming. I'm up a shit creek.”

“Faith told me.”

“I just don't know why she brought the bloody thing over.”

“Hey, she didn't force you to sit down and watch it,” I said, defending Amber. “I can't believe you let her walk out of here.”

“Hardly. She made me call a taxi first. I gave the driver your address and he took her home.”

“I might have been out.”

“She told me she'd called you.”

“She's fourteen!”

“I'm sorry. I had Tessa in tears…” He stopped. “You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. This is all my fault. As per usual.” He sighed. “Do you want a drink? Glass of wine?”

“Yes.” I followed him into the kitchen. I watched too closely as he poured out honey-colored liquid into a glass. Stop, think, and pour some more. He handed it to me.

“Why did you watch it, Jimmy? You must have known Tessa was coming.”

“She was supposed to be working late. Instead she made a special effort to get back and see the girls. It couldn't have been worse.”

“But why did you watch it?”

“Amber put it on. I came into the room,” a fleeting smile crossed his lips, “and I hadn't seen it for so long. I daren't, to be honest. There was your dad, he looked so well, and you getting ready…You looked about four. Me and the boys at the pub—do you remember Talbot? What happened to him? He was so tall, how did we lose him? It was great watching it again after so long. I just got sucked into it.”

“I felt the same when I saw Suzie. She was such a good friend,” I said. “I can't believe I don't see her anymore.”

“You've been watching it too?”

I stared at him, guilty, guilty, guilty. “All this wedding chat…” I said slowly. “The girls wanted to see my dress. Amber probably told you.”

Jimmy shook his head. So Amber hadn't told on me. Yet. “You looked incredible, but what was Luke wearing?”

Looked incredible.
Looked.
“What about Mum?” I said, forcing a laugh. “Bloody peacock.”

“God, she was a pain in the arse.”

“You were always so patient with her.”

“It was the only way to get you any peace. I hoped I could win her over with charm and then maybe she'd see what I saw.”

“Never happened,” I replied.

“Stupid bat's blind, that's why.”

Jimmy had always managed to ease the wounds my mother inflicted on me. How had I forgotten that?

“You know that—right?”

I nodded. No. What I knew was that my mother had X-ray vision. She saw right through me. If I wasn't with her I was against her. Is that how Amber felt? Another layer of guilt settled on me.

“There were so many people in the video, and the girls just loved seeing Luke and Lucy. They were so young,” he said.

“So were we.”

Jimmy shrugged off our youth. “I didn't feel too young. I knew exactly what I was doing. Your dad's speech was brilliant. Then came mine and the girls really wanted to hear it. It was so nice all cuddled up on the sofa together. They were in hysterics about my hair. God, Bea, I didn't even hear the key in the door.”

“Which bit did she see?”

“Cutting the cake…” He paused. I knew what came next better than anyone. “Me kissing you.”

“It was quite a kiss,” I said. “Did she see any of the speech?”

“Maddy caught her watching the whole thing in the middle of the night.” We lulled into silence. There were so many things I wanted to say.

“Tessa was still so upset in the morning. Not because of what she saw, but because, I don't know, I think she felt plotted against.”

I wasn't so sure about that. “She may have said that, Jimmy, but if I'd seen that, I'd worry if…I don't know, if it would ever compare,” I said. Cautious. Adventurous. Me.

“I have never lied to her about how much I loved you. I couldn't. I don't bang on about it, but I've never denied it. Of course I loved you. I was marrying you. You were my wife.”

Past tense. Always the past tense.

“I guess hearing about it and seeing it for yourself are two different things.”

“What are you saying? You think she thinks I don't love her?”

“It's a question of degree, Jimmy.”

For a while we stood looking at each other. I could hear my heart working overtime in my chest. You may think you love her, but how much? Really?

“If I were her,” I said wickedly, “I'd be wondering if you'd ever love me as much as you loved your first wife or your children. Love at first sight doesn't happen to everyone, Jimmy, it just doesn't, and playing second fiddle isn't what the fairy tales are about.”

I could see that muscle in his jaw and knew my words were working.
“Do you remember the last few lines of your speech?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“You said you'd spend the rest of your life showing me what the words ‘I love you' meant. Well, to quote Alanis Morissette, ‘You're still alive.'”

“I tried. You wouldn't let me, Bea. Remember? You wouldn't let me anywhere near you.”

I felt sick with nerves. I had to tread very carefully now. Very carefully indeed. “I'm sorry, Jimmy. I know we never really talked about that, but you must know I wasn't myself. I couldn't have done what I did if I had been. I needed help but I was too proud to ask. I see that now. I blocked you out and I shouldn't have. I'm so, so sorry.”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Maybe it does, Jimmy.”

“I don't think now is the time.”

Why not? Now was perfect. Before we made another mistake and stayed apart. “Perhaps we should try and understand it better.”

“You think understanding it will make it easier for Tessa?” He was shaking his head.

It was a strange sort of logic, but I was prepared to go with anything just to keep him on track. “Well, think about it. If we never understood it, how could she?”

Jimmy was suddenly stern, hurt. “I think we understood it perfectly,” he said. The ground shifted and opened up. And there it was. The impasse. The crevasse into which we habitually fell. The great divide. A rift valley of such daunting magnitude that we hadn't even attempted to traverse it. I had blown us apart. For a while, I had stood on one side. But he wasn't even standing on the other anymore. His camp had packed up and moved into the gentle, sloping hills, far away from danger.

“Bea, I just want to make this better. I love her. She makes me happy.”

He was right, of course. We understood it perfectly. Words, any words, wouldn't change the facts. I'd had my turn and ruined it. I deserved the situation I was in. I had killed our love. It wasn't Jimmy's fault. He was owed a second chance. All he'd done was love me and
it hadn't been enough. Maybe I could do something for him. It was a long time before I summoned the courage to answer. “Then what are you doing here?”

“Huh?”

“Go to her.”

He stared at me, nonplussed.

“Jimmy, you're hopeless. Find her. Convince her you
do
love her more than you ever loved me.” The words coming out of my mouth were not my own. I wasn't doing it for her. I was doing it for Jimmy. The man I loved. The man I had always loved. The man I'd lost.

“She said she didn't want to see me for a day or two until she'd sorted out her head.”

“She's lying.”

“How do you know?”

Men! “Trust me on this. Go!”

Jimmy grabbed his car keys off the kitchen table, then stopped. “Would it have made a difference if I'd come to your mother's house?”

I clamped my jaws shut.

“Is that what you wanted me to do? Bea? Is it?”

I put my hand on my heart. “You have to go now,” I said painfully.

“God, Bea—”

“Go!”

“Okay. I'm going.”

“Good,” I said. No. Very, very bad.

He jogged down the hallway.

“Wait!” I shouted.

He turned.

“I…” I swallowed. “Oh, Jimmy, I'm…I want you to know…” Just tell him. Just tell him you still love him. Now, before it's too late.

“It's okay, Bea,” he said softly. “I know.”

You don't know. You don't know what I was going to say. I watched him walk to the front door. What sort of crazy upside-down nonsense was this? I didn't want it. I didn't want it at all. His hand was on the latch and, for a moment, I thought he wasn't going to go. But that was wishful thinking on my part. I stood behind him. I was way beyond too late. I was trapped in the past tense. Tessa was his future.

“Not ‘more,' Bea,” he said. “I don't love her more. Just differently. But thank you.”

The tears came instantly. But by then he was out of the door.

 

I
RETURNED TO
F
AITH'S HOUSE
to pick up the children.

“Everything all right?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Christ, Bea, you've been crying.”

My jaw was aching.

“What happened?”

“I told him to go and join her,” I said quietly.

I could hear the children's voices. “Mummy!” All I wanted was to feel their arms around me, their breath on my neck, their inane chatter in my ears.

“Hang on, girls, we'll be out to see your show in one second—”

“I need to get back to Amber.”

“You're not going anywhere. I'm worried about you.”

“I'll be fine.”

“Bea, please, let me help you.” Faith ushered my children back outside. Lulu looked forlornly over her shoulder at me. I blew her a reassuring kiss.

“Have a drink,” said Faith.

“No. Thank you.”

“Go on, it'll make you feel better.”

Actually, it wouldn't, but I didn't have the strength to refuse a second time.

“You know, if there's anything I can do—”

“Faith, there's nothing anyone can do. I'm fine. All this, it just kicks up a lot of dust. Our marriage didn't work but you know what's so stupid? I don't know why. We had all the right ingredients. I wish I'd thrown that bloody video away.”

“Why?”

“Well, our wedding was genuinely amazing. I feel sorry for Tessa. I know exactly how she must be feeling. Jimmy loves her, but he loved me, too…We probably have more in common than we realize. I don't know how it all went so pear-shaped.”

“Because it's tough. I find it tough with one child and enough money. It still amazes me how quickly we can go from laughing about something to bickering about something else. If you don't keep your eye on the ball…Sometimes I feel like I have three careers. Marriage, motherhood, and my job. I've finally worked out that working on the marriage is the most important, but it's the one we give the least amount of time to. It needs to come first, and that's not easy, especially when the times you have to work the hardest are the times you'd rather not be in the same room.”

“But you and Luke always seem so—”

Faith brushed my words aside. “Trust me, we have ups and downs like anyone else.”

“You never tell me.”

“I feel disloyal. We're good at the moment but when we were trying for number two it was shit. If it hadn't been for you, I don't know that we'd have made it. You were brave enough to warn me of the pitfalls.”

“Easy to recognize them when you're lying at the bottom of one.”

After I'd watched the girls and Charlie nearly skull one another on the trampoline a few times, my nerves were shot and I was extremely conscious of Amber at home. I belted my two into the car and drove back to the Westway.

“So, what did you think of Mummy's wedding dress?” I asked, opening the floor.

I ran up against the wall of silence that was usually reserved for when Amber was about.

“It's all right,” I coaxed. “I know about the video and Amber. You can tell me what you do with Daddy and Tessa, you know. Otherwise I feel a bit left out.” They looked at each other. “I like knowing what you've been up to. Like at school, or what you did with Charlie today. Do you understand?”

They nodded. But tentatively. Which meant they didn't.

“Well, let me put it another way. Why didn't you want to tell me about lunch at Gran and Poppa's?”

The sisters regarded each other. Communicating silently, like twins. They were so close in age. Less than a year. They were twins, really.

“We're not allowed to,” said Maddy finally.

“Not allowed to what?”

“Tell you,” said Lulu.

“Says who? Daddy?”

They shook their heads.

“Amber?” I was guessing, but from the change in their expressions I knew I was right. “Girls, how many times have I told you that you don't have to do what Amber says? It's always worth checking with me first, because sometimes Amber is…” Careful now, keep the tribe a tribe, no matter what…“Well, she likes to joke and you shouldn't always take her seriously. That's all. You can tell me anything.” They were plainly relieved. “Why didn't she want you to tell me?”

“Because she said it would upset you.”

“I get upset if you don't tell me. And Amber is naughty, because she only said that so she wouldn't get into trouble, and then I get cross with her, not upset…” I said, misunderstanding her words.

But Maddy cleared up my mistake with the piercing clarity of youth. “No, Mummy. If we talk about Tessa and Daddy, you get sad and we can't wake you up.”

I clutched the steering wheel.

“What?” Maddy whispered to Lulu. “Mummy said we can tell her anything.”