His voice lost the scoldi
ng edge as
he relaxed the arms on either side of me. "Are you okay
, Cassandra?” When I paled, he added, “
Are you about
to be sick?”
"Not quite," I said hoarsely. Bei
ng so close to him was a bad idea
. I was
about to be something alright.
S
tupid.
I stretched out my hand
toward
him
until
my fingers touched the threads of
his V-neck sweater.
Down o
ver his solid chest, almost brushing his navel before he stopped me.
“Don’t.” It was a gruff command, but his eyes were molten.
Coursing with lust.
I li
cked my lips. “Don’t?
You should be ecstatic. After what you did, the only touching you should be getting from me should be a smack upside the head.”
His lips parted in surprise and for a moment
, I could see him considering my olive branch
.
Wanting me.
I eased my body from the wall, just needing to move a few
inches closer to feel him throbbing in my hands.
He gripped my wrists,
stopping my journey downward
. “Don’t, Cassandra.” Hi
s voice tightened. “I want you and
your forgiveness, but not like this.
Not when you won’t remember it in the morning.
”
I glared at him, anger devouring my lust in one fell swoop. How dare he try to pretend like he was a good person after what he did to me?
How dare he try to act like he still cared?
I snatched my hands from him. “Get away from me.”
He didn’t budge.
“I’m getting you out of here.
Right now.”
“If you think I’m going anywhere with you, you’re in for a rude awakening,” I said stubbornly.
He faltered and I took a measure of satisfaction in the guilt racing across his face. He took a step back, giving me a little space but not enough to dash off to do something crazy like strip down and dance on the bar Coyote Ugly style.
“I know I hurt you and I would take it back if I could,” he said tersely. “If you don’t believe anything else I say, please believe that.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t really care about anything you say. I tried to give you a pass
just now
and you weren’t interested.”
“You’re blitzed, Cass,” he scoffed angrily. “If you t
hink I want some pity drunk lay
then you really never knew me at all.” He cocked his head toward the bar. “All of this is because of your father isn’t it?”
The word ‘father’ sobered me right up and I
didn’t have a witty comeback. N
o jabs.
“I know I have no control over you, and I won’t insult you by saying I know what you’re going through.” His voice softened. “But your father wouldn’t want you here, getting blasted and then driving drunk. Please let me take you home.”
I wanted to tell him that he had no right to talk about my dad or invoke
his memory
. This was just some ploy to wriggle his way back into my life. But the liquor was doing something to my emotions—I’d already gone through horniness and anger and now sadness was knocking on the door. If he kept talking to me, being nice to me, I was going to cry. And I could NOT cry in front of Chance. Not ever.
“Just leave me alone,” I muttered, not looking him in the eye.
He stood there for a moment, just staring at me before he let out a firm, ‘stay here’ and stalked away.
I barely had time to
re
sist before he
paid my bill and
steered me toward the door. He
lassoed some g
uy who was chain smoking
to follow him in my Bug.
Chance
swiped my jacket from the floor and tossed it
over my shoulders
as we walked toward the exit
.
I spent a ridiculous amount of
time trying to put my arms into the holes before I just ga
ve up. It didn’t matter anyway since
I didn’t feel a thing
when we stepped outside
.
Chance
tossed my keys to the brooding guy who took
one look at my bright yellow car
and
shuddered
.
“I didn’t even ask for your help!” I ye
lled defensively
. “Tell him,
Chance
!”
Chance
ignored me
,
running over to tell the other guy something before
shepherdi
ng me over to a sleek, black sedan
. I slid onto the leather s
eat and jumped as Chance
nearly
shattered the window when he slammed my door shut. He slid behi
nd the wheel and turned the key so hard in the
ignition
I was surprised it didn’t break off in his ha
nd
.
“What’s your problem?” I snapped at him. “You’re getting what you want, aren’t you? Forcing me to be around you whether I want it or not?”
He gave me a look so cold that I shivered. “This has nothing to do with you and me, Cassandra. This is about you being irresponsible.”
“Irresponsible? I only had a few shots and-”
“And how were you expecting to get home?” When I didn’t respond, he repeated the question, twice as loud. “How were you going to get home, Cassandra?”
I turned my head to the window, refusing to let him see my sobering guilt. I hadn’t really thought that far. I
was
being irresponsible, dangerous even—but I wouldn’t admit it. Not to him. Silence filled the car, loud and suffocating. I tugged the zipper of my jacket down a few inches, watching the street lights flicker like fireflies.
“I’m sorry for yelling a
t you,” he murmured. “Getting upset doesn’t help
the situation.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s no problem. I know
you’re loving
playing the hero instead of the villain for once.”
When we pulled up to a red light
, he slammed the car to a stop.
“I made a mistake, Cass.
A horrible mistake.”
I turned back to the window.
“Look at me Cass.” His voice darkened. “
Look at me
.”
I slowly t
ilted
in his direction, my head tuning him out, my heart dying to listen as the car rocked back to motion.
“When I told you I thought I was dominant, that I wanted to explore that part of myself with you, you laughed in my
face.” He paused. “You laughed, Cass. A
nd when you realized I was being serious, you were horrified and said you needed space. And I gave it to you.
Weeks of space.
Weeks of not talking to you, knowing that you found me depraved for even suggesting it in the first place.
Lola-”
“Don’t you dare speak her name in my presence,” I cut in acidly.
“Ever.”
It went
quiet again and I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the cool window. I knew what he was going to say next. He was sorry. Oh so sorry. But he couldn’t be, not really. I glanced over at him.
Not yet.
It was obvious karma needed a help in the right direction. He deserved to feel what I felt. To care about someone with every ounce of yourself, to love them—then have that love ripped away from you when you least expected it. Right when you were ready to be open.
To give them everything.
He made the right on my street and I saw that
his friend
was already parked neatly in front of the house, still puffing on a cigarette. I threw off my seatbelt and reach
ed for the door handle,
like I couldn’t wait to get away from him. I had to sell it. Make him work if I wanted him to believe it.
“Don’t drop British Lit.”
My fingers froze against th
e cool sliver of metal. I smiled on the inside. “I don’t think I can see you day after day,
Chance
. Not after what happened.
”
His voice softened. “I know I have no right to ask it of you
.
Don’t do it for me. Do it because this course will be good for you.
”
He droned on about all the things the class would cover and I kept my eyes forward, already knowing I’d decided to stay enrolled.
I glanced down and saw his hand was still on my arm. He
unwrapped
his fingers, but I took my hand and put it over his.
“I want to forgive you,” I said softly, looking deep into his eyes for effect. “I want to believe that you’re really sorry.”
He leaned in closer. “I am sorry.
Truly.”
Our lips hovered mere inches from each other and I didn’t pull away, just watching him watch me, smiling slightly when he tucked my hair behind my ear. I couldn’t kiss
him right off without being suspicious
, so I put the conflict that bubbled in my gut in clear view. Trembling lips slightly parted, eyes begging him to do what both of us so clearly desired.
To set us both free.
He led me to the slaughter
, his gr
ip on my hair firm
as his lips brush
ed
mine. The light touch is enough to send a shiver
of memory
down my spine.
The kiss deepened and I forgot that this was for show and melted
into him
. M
y lips
were
soft and pliable, welcomi
ng his tongue into my mouth. A rapt, soulful moan echoed from him and I
froze,
his top lip between both of mine
. I’d heard the sound of contentment a million times before. I used to lose myself in the sound, the timbre and inflections leaving me breathless.
Hungry.
Happy.
It was the exact sound he was making
when I caught him with her.
I pulled away fro
m him and burst from the car, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks
. I snatched my keys from his friend and booke
d it up the steps leading t
o the front door, slamming it shut behind me.
Trying to slam the door on the past.
On all the hurt.
On all that we lost.
I staggered forward like a zombie, pausing at t
he living
room. I’d expected to see Mom curled up on the sofa, waiting to give me an earful, but the room was long abandoned.
I
glanced around the darkness solemnly, waiting to hear her footsteps on the stairs and coming up wanting.
I trudged to my dad’s old armchair and ran my fingers up and down the worn fibers before I sunk into it, sobs rocking me back and forth.
*
***
I walked into
Chance
’s
office like I was going into battle. I'd been psychin
g myself up since I woke up that
morning
, going through all the reasons why I should stay enrolled in British Lit
.
1.) Dropping the class would give him power over me, 2.) I’d scoured Blackboard for another English elective and, no dice and 3.) Taking his class was the
in
I needed if I wanted to get revenge.
But I’d be lying if I said that revenge was the only thing on my mind. When his lips brushed mine
last night,
everything faded away. It was short lived, but those few seconds were full of a bliss I had
n’t felt with any other guy.
I couldn’t help but fantasize about another
kiss
, this one trailing over my jaw
, down the nape of my neck.
A
kiss
that
would be just the beginning.
A quick survey of him and I knew he was thinking about it too. My eyes hovered in the crotch arena and I bit my lip, remembering the taste of his salty warmth on my tongue
.
Stop it
, I told myself sternly, willing my eyes up, away from his sculpted chest ben
eath his dark pinstripe shirt
. But up meant I had to tango with those eyes, the same ones that still knew what made me tick. And from the spark and slight upward curve of his lips, he knew I was still thinking about that kiss.
I
stood ramrod straight, going rigid
as a statue. "
I looked over the syllabus and saw that you take off a certain number of points for every day of class missed so I wanted to begin an extra credit research assignment
."
I held out my typed proposal for his approval.