The Sunday List of Dreams (34 page)

Frannie O’Brien thinks Connie is a genius.

Even now, Connie can’t stop herself. She talks about parties that are not only instructional but also fun. Parties where talking about sex is made to seem normal and important and lively and not at all like something that should not be right there on the front of the plate. O’Brien can see that her friend is on fire but she’s impatient and she cuts her off.

“So you’re saying…”

“Let that other woman Christine run the Chicago store. She’s absolutely perfect. I’m right here. I’ll hop on Jessica and Geneva’s board, work on the training manual, travel for them and design an entire package of party plans, instructions, you name it.”

“Whooo, baby.”

“I’ll keep the condo for now, get out of the house with the singing walls, travel, and make a whole new list of dreams.”

“Was it the beer?”

Connie brushes her off.

“What do you think?”

“I think sex has been very good for you and it sounds like you are going to make it very good for lots and lots of other women as well,” she says, slightly taken aback by the plan but not surprised that Connie would do more than consider it.

“And guess what, baby?” Connie asks, leaning in to grab her beer back. “I’m going to need an assistant and I know you can retire early if you want to.”

O’Brien roars with laughter as if she had just figured out how to do it.

“The Irishman would have a heart attack,” she says, snorting. “Can you see us, driving through town with boxes of sex toys in the car, throwing out condoms at a parade, giving an in-service at the women’s club and then flying off to Las Something for a plastics convention?”

Connie says yes.

She can see it all, absolutely every single moment.

She can see it because she finally sees herself moving like wind, holding onto her Sunday list of dreams, moving with them as her dreams change, changing herself, not being so tied to a number that she misses the sunset.

Yes, she can see that, yes, she can, and then she grabs Frannie O’Brien by the hand, spins her around the tiny deck and launches into a discussion about sexual satisfaction in rural women as compared to urban women and the two women, friends, sisters, and females who know when it’s time to start moving and stop talking, head towards the café where Connie works the crowd and wonders, even after the tequila, how many women could fit into the Wind Drift on a Sunday afternoon for a Diva sex-toy party.

Nurse Nixon’s Easy-Reference Diva Sex Dictionary

In order of importance here is what you need to know right this second. Read this in the bathroom if you have to, but this is a one-two-three quick study for a handful—pardon the pun—of sex terms that will get you going and coming.

DIVA
—In numerous countries this word means goddess and that’s exactly what it should always mean to you.

VIBRATOR
—A Diva’s best friend. Vibrators are battery- or electric-powered divine devices that can be used to stimulate any area of your body. Think below the waist. Think fast motion. Think wonderful. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are camouflaged as lipstick tubes, one plugs into your car lighter, one looks like a brush. Get a bigger purse and get going.

G-SPOT
—There’s a lovely and lively group of nerves resting an inch or so inside of your vagina, and some nosy doctor whose last name began with a G made mention of this as a potential hot sexual spot. We think it was a woman named Gloria and she would tell you that not every woman goes into orbit right there but, just in case, there are a number of G-spot toys and we think you should try every single one just to make sure.

DILDO
—This is an artificial penis or if you don’t like the word “penis,” or the object itself, just think that this is something that would do what a penis does if you did like one. Tall, short, curved, bumpy, with batteries, without. Pink. Purple. White. Black. If you can imagine it, and thank heavens Diva’s has a great imagination, we have probably already designed one just for you. This is definitely in “the more the merrier” department.

LUBRICATION
—This is not your mother’s baby oil, baby. Lubrication is used to help make your sex life easier, faster, longer. It comes in lovely jars and bottles and, like those dildos, it comes in lots of varieties. Tons of flavors. Slippery and not so slippery and slippery in the middle. You can use it on the real penis, the make-believe one, other sex toys, your fingers, someone else’s fingers. Believe the Diva Sexpert on this one. Lube is to die for.

HARNESS
—A harness, as you know, holds things in place, just like a bra, and there is absolutely nothing like a fine, comfortable, attractive bra. Don’t look now but a harness is used to hold a dildo in place so you can do whatever you want with it. They mostly come in leather, with cool buckles and loops, and there’s something powerful…oh, never mind.

PLEASURE BALMS
—These sweet sex accessories are used to heat up a particular area on the body and to help bring a little fun into the bedroom, barn or bowling alley—wherever you plan to do it, women. They are sweet, often scented, tasteless if you prefer, and include powders, lotions and talcs that can be sprinkled, patted, placed or gently rubbed anywhere you can possibly think of on the human body.

MASTURBATION
—Divas have a right to own every part of themselves…even their sexual parts. Masturbation means taking care of yourself sexually. Touching, using Diva toys, exploring a lovely fantasy. Sigh. It’s a healthy activity. Loving yourself in all ways is number one in a Diva’s world. Self-satisfaction begins at home and remember, you and only you are responsible for your sexual satisfaction.

ROLE-PLAYING
—Whips, chains, blindfolds, dressing up as Jane and Tarzan…whatever you think might float your boat is included in this category. Some people like to control and others like to be controlled. Fantasy is, and always will be, an important part of sex and if you feel safe and everyone involved agrees—Diva, darling—you don’t have a thing to lose.

VIDEOS AND BOOKS
—Don’t underestimate your mind’s connection to your body and what a sexy book or video might do to make you a well-rounded woman. Diva’s has a huge selection of books, manuals, and videos that can be used to turn up the heat a notch on your sex life. Books and videos, just like those vibrators and dildos, come in a variety of temperatures and textures. Hot, hotter, and hottest.

SEX TOYS
—This is not your grandma’s toy store but it should have been. Sex toys include everything from a fine bottle of wine to a great sexy movie and back around again to everything else in your dictionary. When someone says, “Do you want to play with my toys?” and you gave away your Barbie dolls a long time ago, you will now know exactly what board game they are talking about.

Connie’s Calming Sex Tips for Real Divas

1.
Relax. Do this any way possible. Have a drink. Let your mind run through a sea of tall grass at the edge of a very lovely blue ocean. Turn off the lights. Take a bath. Shut off every other light in your world except the one that shines on your sexual self. Relaxing means letting go and letting go is a very, let me stress that, very important part of waltzing without tripping while you enjoy sex.

2.
Have one extra glass of wine. It can’t hurt and hopefully, within minutes, you will have forgotten you even had the damn thing.

3.
Look at yourself. Not your face, sweetie, your self. If you have never laid down on a floor and held up a mirror to view your own vagina and its surrounding territory this is a good time to start. If you are giving driving directions to someone else it really helps to know the map.

4.
Talk to another woman. Sexual experiences vary—no one understands that like a Diva Sister—but women know. We do and sometimes a sex-laced conversation can help you get answers, liberate your fears, and let you know that you are not alone.

5.
Make sex a priority. What could be more important? Write it in your planner if you have to. Think about it—is changing the oil on time or reseeding the backyard really as important as feeling good?

6.
Remember, if you do the same thing in the same place at the same time—something will wear out. Even sex can get boring—I know that’s hard to believe—if you do it the same way day after day, week after week….

7.
Read. The Internet and bookstores are filled with lively sex manuals and books and really, the best place to start is at a Diva store because we have had the pleasure, and I mean pleasure, of reading them all and we know which book can harm you and which book can help you.

8.
Start out slow, sweetheart. You do not have to turn into a porn queen the first day you decide to get on with it and get it on. Slow may mean something as simple and as lovely as a kiss behind the neck, three undone buttons instead of one, or a very early dinner and lights out.

9.
Sex can be anything you want it to be. Liberating. Fun. Wild. Quiet. Something you do alone or with a partner. It can be simple or complicated. Putting everything and everyone else, and what they say about sex, out of your mind and just falling into it will often result in the most wonderful sexual moment you have ever had.

10.
Never be afraid to ask for help. A bottle of lubrication, a quick call to your Diva rep, a suggestion from your partner or a call to a Diva Sister may make all the difference. Remember, we want you to be happy just as much as you want to be happy.

Kudos from Connie’s Clients

“My girlfriend had a surprise Diva’s Decadent Delights Party for my 55th birthday, and at first I almost died of embarrassment, but then the party started and everyone relaxed, and by the end of the party Connie had changed my life and the lives of all 12 of my friends. We have booked six more parties. We are very happy women.”

—B
ETH
W., I
NDIANAPOLIS

“I am 44 years old and thought I knew everything. What an ass I was. Connie and her assistant have kick-started my life, not just my sex life but every aspect of my life. I feel powerful, whole, and as if I have just discovered a part of myself that has been missing since the day I was born.”

—J
ESSICA
S., R
ACINE
, W
ISCONSIN

“I took my mother to Diva’s in Chicago and Connie was there. She took one look at my mother, dismissed me, and took my mother into a private room where she showed her everything, talked to her, and answered all her questions. The next day my mother called me weeping. She told me that she had just had her first orgasm. Now I cannot stop crying.”

—K
ENDALL
D., C
HICAGO

“When I was in college I was date-raped. Sex after that was horrid and I finally gave up. My friend took me to a sex-toy party and Connie was demonstrating the toys and she made me feel as if sex was a gift I could give myself and that I was in charge and I believed her. It took me 23 years but my life is back in my own hands now.”

—J
ACKIE
L., C
LEVELAND
, O
HIO

“My sister turned 60 last week and I threw her a sex-toy party. Oh my God. I had no idea. We had a few drinks and Connie was so open and real, and so much like us, that no one held back. I’m going to start working for Diva’s. I want to change the world like Connie changed mine.”

—G
LORIA
B., C
EDAR
R
APIDS
, I
OWA

“When I read about this I knew I had to meet Connie and see what Diva’s was all about. It has been a long time coming, if you pardon the pun. I am a sex therapist who has been looking for a safe, clean, open, and free place to send my female clients for a very long time. I highly recommend Diva’s, all their services, and especially Connie’s fabulous parties.”

—D
R
. J
OYCE
P., L
OS
A
NGELES

“I grew up on a small farm in a very rural part of Idaho. My family belonged to a religious group that is still dominated by men. Women, we were told, are here to have babies. When I read about Diva’s I went to the website, and while at first I was shocked, I very quickly got over it. This store and attending one of Connie’s classes, called “Erasing the Past—Sex as a Gift,” absolutely changed my life and will now change the lives of my daughters. Thank you. I can’t say it enough. Thank you, Connie and Diva’s.”

—M
ARY
C., S
ALT
L
AKE
C
ITY
, U
TAH

“You think when you get older that you know everything and then sometimes you just settle. I would have settled sexually and in many other areas of my life if my friend had not invited me to one of Connie’s parties. I am free. I am just getting started. I am 71 years old.”

—B
ETSY
P., A
USTIN
, T
EXAS

“Just when I thought my wonderful life could not get any better I waltzed into Diva’s when I flew into Las Vegas and I stayed three hours. I thought I was happy. Now I am REALLY happy.”

—J
ILL
N., S
ANTA
F
E
, N
EW
M
EXICO