The Survivors Book III: Winter (13 page)

"
What?" I exclaimed, stunned by the revelation.  "Seriously?"

"
Seriously," she said softly, nodding.  "Have you noticed that he's always wearing long sleeved shirts now, even though it's not that cold?  It's to hide the bandages.  He didn't want me to know, but I made him show me.  He tried to cut his wrists."  Suddenly, there were tears in her eyes, and she was struggling to keep them under control.  "He couldn't find a knife, so he tried to use a saw blade.  A saw blade!"

"
Oh, my God," I whispered, my hands flying up to cover my mouth without any conscious thought on my part.  "But he survived?"

Skylar nodded miserably, wiping tears from her eyes.
 "He said that he passed out in a puddle of his own blood, expecting to never wake up.  But he did.  He said that he didn't cut deep enough, and he was too scared of the pain to try again."

"
Jesus.  I think I saw his blood."  I plopped down to sit on a fallen log, the strength draining right out of me.  "Michael and I did.  Just before we left for the power station.  We couldn't figure out what happened, so we just… left it.  It was a couple of weeks old, so we figured whatever left the blood was long gone."

"
It was, sort of," Skye said, wiping away the last tear.  "He said he went to one of the farthest outlying farms for a while, and just stayed there.  He saw Zain come by when he was out looking for our new trucks, but he stayed out of sight until they left.  When he realised that Zain was going back to Ohaupo, he got worried and came to check on us."  Skye heaved a long, deep sigh that was painful just to listen to.  "I kind of wish he'd stayed gone, but it's hard to stay mad because I understand how he felt."

"
Aw, sis," I whispered, shoving myself back to my feet.  I went over and put my arms around her, drawing her into a tight hug.  "I wish I could make this better for you."

"
You can't," she said softly, snuggling up against me.  "No one can.  I miss Kylie so much, I just… I want to take care of someone's baby, even if it's not mine."  She pushed herself back and looked up at me.  "Are you sure you won't have a baby with Michael?  I'll look after her for you, if that's what you're worried about."

"
I can't, honey," I answered, gently stroking her hair back away from her forehead.  "Not yet, anyway.  Not until it's safe.  This journey could take us a couple of months, and I'm pretty sure it would suck to be travelling while pregnant.  Right?"

"
Yeah," she agreed reluctantly.  "But once we find a place to call home, will you consider it?"

"
I… I don't know," I admitted.  "I'm kind of scared of the idea.  I don't know if I could be the kind of mother that you'd be.  I mean, I'm pretty crazy, right?"

"
You are not crazy!" she yelled suddenly, then she shoved herself back away from me and slapped me hard on the shoulder.  "Don't talk about yourself like that.  Don't you
dare
talk about yourself like that!"

"
Whoa!"  Startled, I jumped back away from her, rubbing my bruised arm.  "What the hell, sis?"

"
That is not you talking," she answered, stalking up to me to wag a finger in my face like a disapproving school ma'am.  "That is Lee talking, and he is dead.  You are not allowed to let him control you anymore.  Do you understand me?"

"
No, I really don't," I admitted.  "What are you talking about?"

"
This is not you, sis," she repeated, suddenly turning gentle, yet somehow stern at the same time.  "The Sandrine McDermott that I remember was a beautiful, confident, intelligent, friendly girl.  I remember her.  I looked up to her.  Maybe I don't know everything that happened to you over the years, but every time you open your mouth and something self-deprecating falls out, it's like I'm hearing someone else's voice coming out of you."

I felt myself flush and glanced away, helplessly trying to derail the conversation with dry humour.
 "Self-deprecating, huh?  That's a big word.  You been reading the dictionary?"

"
Shut up," Skye told me in no uncertain terms.  Suddenly, she grabbed me and shook me hard.  The action stunned me so much that I didn't even think about fighting back.  "You did this for me once, so now it's my turn to do it for you.  Stop trying to sabotage yourself, Sandy.  You don't even realise that you're doing it.

"
Every time you say something like that, something that puts you down, you're letting someone else's opinion take control of you.  Those words are his words, and the way that he controlled you when you were his.  You're not his anymore.  You beat him.  You are your own woman again.  You need to learn to stop letting him control how you feel about yourself."

I started to say something, but whatever I was thinking of saying just sort of died in my throat.
 I wanted to deny it, I wanted to tell her that my words were always my own, but some part of me knew that wasn't true.  Suddenly, I realised that the voice of self-doubt that I'd been warring with for so long, it wasn't my voice at all.  It was his.  It had been his for a long time.

Before I quite knew what was happening to me, I felt my emotional dam breaking down, and the screaming, thrashing, irrational, uncontrollable pain that had been building up behind it broke free.
 Skylar caught me a moment before I would have collapsed, and held me in her arms while I wept.

My fit passed by the time the others joined us, leaving me feeling wrung-out but strangely refreshed.
 They found us sitting side by side on a log, both of us soaking wet; thankfully, the rain hid the fact that I'd been crying.  Michael would no doubt have known at a glance, but he wasn't with them, so I had a brief respite in which to recover.

Richard brought his quad bike to a stop a couple of meters away from us, with Ryan and Nikora close behind him.
 I shot a glance at my sister to gauge her reaction, but her face was an expressionless mask.  She just nodded for me to go ahead, so I rose to my feet and went to meet them.

"
Hey, guys," I said by way of greeting.  "We need to flatten these banks out so that the trucks can get over them.  Skye, Richard, you two keep watch; we can take care of this.  When the convoy reaches us, we'll stop for lunch."

"
Sounds good," Skye agreed, nodding.  She and Richard took up their weapons and went to watch the perimeter, while I took my crew and got to work.  I've never been one to dither about when there was something that needed to be done, so I grabbed the nearest shovel and hopped down into the stream.  It was only a shallow thing, a slender trickle of water no deeper than my boots.  I bent down to examine the banks for a few seconds, then I gestured to Ryan and Nikora.

"
Let's shift the dirt over there," I said, pointing a few meters beyond the stream.  Ryan nodded silently, but Nikora hesitated.

"
Why don't we just fill in the stream?" he asked, shooting me a peculiar look.  "Wouldn't that be easier?"

"
Easier, yes, but it would damage the ecosystem," I explained.  "I'd rather not do that, just to save us a couple of minutes.  My ancestors did enough damage to this beautiful land; I want to do whatever I can to preserve her.  Don't you?"

The young man looked like he was going to protest for a second, but he stopped before the words left his mouth.
 He paused and thought about it, nodding slowly.

"
True," he admitted quietly.  "But it's not just your ancestors to blame.  Mine are, too.  I think all of us are."

"
Exactly."  I smiled at him, gesturing broadly towards the natural world around us.  "It's down to us now.  You, me, and the rest of our tribe.  Our choices are the only ones left that can scar Mother Nature's beauty.  We have the choice of whether to act responsibly, or irresponsibly."

"
Too right."  Nikora grinned suddenly, and picked up his shovel.  "You're good at this, chica.  No wonder they put you in charge."

"
I'm only in charge because no one else wants to be," I answered.  "I guess Mother Nature is just lucky that I care enough to think about that kind of thing.  Come on, let's get started; the convoy will reach us soon."

The two men nodded, and hopped down to join me in the stream.
 Soon, we were hard at work demolishing the bank, but the rain washed away the sweat as fast as it formed.  Every so often, I heard the crackle of the radio on my belt when someone called in to report something, but there was nothing out of the ordinary.

In due time, the convoy reached us just as we
'd planned.  Skylar shouted a greeting and waved.  I stood up straight, running the back of my hand over my forehead to clear the rain from my eyes, and watched as the convoy moved in to park.  They had everything under control without me, which left me and my small team to finish up our task in peace.

Soon, the others were settled in and the smell of cooking food tickled my nose.
 I heard footsteps behind me, and glanced up just in time to catch Michael's sweet smile.  He grabbed me around the waist and kissed me quickly, then shoved me back with a good-natured laugh.

"
You're wet, muddy, and sweaty, but still somehow manage to be gorgeous," he teased.  "I don't know how you do it."

"
Thanks for that, honey.  You sure know how to make a girl feel pretty," I responded with my usual dry sense of humour, then I leaned up on tiptoes to give him a kiss in return.  I caught Ryan looking at us oddly, but he turned away as soon as our eyes met.

"
Kissie, kissie, kissie!"  Priya's voice rang out, drawing my attention away from Ryan.  She flung her arms around us both, and hugged us fiercely.  "Kissie for me?"

"
Always."  I laughed, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of her head, then I hugged her tight.

Priya giggled happily and wriggled within my embrace, then she pulled back and looked up at me.
 "Can I help, Mama?"

"
We're pretty much done here," I answered.  "You go find Matt, stay on guard duty.  You keep the big bads away from the little kids, okay?"

"
Okies!" Priya agreed happily.  She disentangled herself from us and scampered off just as suddenly as she'd arrived.  I looked up at Michael, and found him looking perplexed.

"
What?" I asked, raising a brow.

"
Mama?" he echoed.  "When did that happen?"

"
I have no idea," I admitted with a shrug.  "Apparently, she just decided.  I'm her mama now, and you're her papa.  I didn't want to discourage her from bonding with people, so I figured I'd just roll with it."

"
Well, that's sweet," he said quietly, a slow smile creeping across his face.  "That kid is so far beyond being merely 'resilient' that we need to make up a whole new word just to describe her."

"
Let's just stick with 'special', and not in the sarcastic sense of the word."  I grinned at him, and gave his arm a playful punch.  "Or how about 'inspiring'?"

"
Oh, I like that," he agreed.  "Let's go with inspiring.  That makes her a perfect foster daughter for you, after all."

"
If you keep talking like that, you're going to make me throw up."  I laughed, shoving him playfully back towards the convoy.  "Shoo, Officer Sexy.  Go help with lunch.  We'll be with you in a minute."

"
You got it, boss!"  He flailed a dramatic salute and jogged away, leaving me chuckling in his wake.  I went to resume the last of the work needed to cross the stream, only to find Nikora watching me with open amusement.

"
Hey, now.  Don't you look at me in that tone of voice!"  I planted my hands on my hips and fixed him with a mock glare.  He laughed and started to say something, but his words died on his tongue as a shout rang out from the column.  A moment later, the terrible sound of a weapon being discharged shattered the forest's tranquillity.

I leapt out of the stream and was off at a run before my conscious mind even fully realised that there was a threat.
 There was a scream and the sound of people shouting, followed by more gunfire.  Then, there was a squeal.  A blood-curdling squeal.  A squeal that I knew very well.

"
Pig!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.  "Grab your weapons, and find cover!  They need space to charge, and they can't climb.  If you can get on top of the trucks or up a tree, then do it!"

"
Sandy!" Elly screamed my name.  Suddenly, she leapt out and grabbed my arm, her expression one of total panic.  "It grabbed Ommie!"

"
What?" I gasped, frantically searching for the beast; I could still hear it, but I couldn't see it.  "Where is it?"

"
It went that way!" she cried, pointing past the trucks towards the far end of the convoy.  "Please, you have to help him!"

"
Stay back, leave this to me," I told her, fighting down the bile that rose in the back of my throat.  The thought of what an infected boar could do to a little child… I couldn't bear to think about it.  I left her, and ran as hard as I could towards the back of the convoy, following the squeals.  The gunfire had stopped now, but the pig's noises were interspersed with heavy thunks and human grunts.