The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (5 page)

              In the corner of one such galaxy, you can discern a tiny blue marble.  You start to move towards it, and for a long, long time, there's hardly anything in your way – the occasional bit of cosmic dust, but otherwise the vacuum of space.  You get closer and start to discern features of the globe – oceans, continents, swirls of cloud.  Eventually, you

get close enough to approach the Earth's atmosphere.  You encounter molecules of air –  just a few at a time at first, then more and more of them.  You zip past them, getting closer to the Earth's surface.  Gradually you are engulfed by molecules of air.  You are swimming in them. 

              As you approach the Earth's surface, you see a figure who has a striking resemblance to someone you know. Actually it's you, and you get closer and closer to the surface of your own skin.  And as you pass through your own skin, you become aware that the density of molecules around you goes up.  Remember that you're the size of a single molecule, so as you travel through your own body, you notice its utter vastness – the billions of molecules that make up each cell, the trillions of cells that make up the whole organism.  It's as if the body itself is like a galaxy, these countless elements working together to create a living, magnificent being. 

              You spend some time inside your own body, and then exit out of it into the atmosphere again.  And then, you travel past the skin of another person, into another body that's just as vast, just as awe-inspiring as the last one.  You travel to another body, and another, and another, noticing all the ways in which they are similar to one another while maintaining their individuality, just like those galaxies you were looking at from outer space.  And now you're moving faster and faster, journeying through body after body, and you start to see each cell as a star inside that galaxy.  You travel through the bodies of animals, of plants, of every living being, and see them all as they truly are, as expressions of one essence, one truth.  As you do that, you eventually return to your own body, and expand and expand, until you inhabit it fully.  You are now that galaxy, and you now appreciate the vastness of you, and the kinship you have with everything else in the world.  Feel that kinship now, as you bow your head in reverence to your own magnificence, and the magnificence of all of creation.

             
Another simple technique I like is the
hong-sau meditation
.  Sit down with your back upright and your hands on your lap, palms upturned.  Now close your eyes and focus on the space between your eyebrows, the 'third-eye center'.  Now with each inhalation, say to yourself the sacred Sanskrit syllable
hong
; with each exhalation, silently say
sau
(pronounced like 'saw')
[3]
.  All the while, maintain your concentration on the space between your eyebrows, or third-eye center.  You can make this your daily meditation practice, starting at 15 minutes a day and building from there.

2) Do yoga. 
I think of yoga as a moving meditation.  The more vigorous the practice, the better.  Why?  Because you'll be so busy breathing, holding and balancing, you'll have little mental space left for such trivial matters as the ego.

              Once again, the key is to have a regular practice.  The more you bathe yourself in this pond, the more of the old notion of self you'll wash away.  Practice at least twice a week if you want to see any appreciable results.  Three or more times a week and you will notice some serious progress. 

3) Use the Reminder Technique. 
You may have heard of the holy month of Ramadhan in Muslim cultures where everyone fasts for a month.  One of the requirements for your fast to be acceptable is to keep your thoughts and deeds pure in addition to refraining from eating and drinking.  That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long.  And the idea is that, after a whole month of that, you stand a real chance of behaving differently the other eleven months of the year, too.

              You can do a similar version of that for the idea of no-self.  An elastic wristband, a ring, an ink mark on your right thumb – anything can serve as your reminder to live the concept of no-self during the day.  Use this reminder several weeks in a row, and the idea may just stick.

4) Experience flow. 
Psychologist Mihaly Czikszentmihaly (pronounced 'cheeks sent me high') talks about
flow
– that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability.  You're stretching yourself just a little bit, so the task is challenging (as opposed to boring) without being frustrating. 

              All of us have experienced flow at some point or another.  For a pianist, it could be the performance of a Brahms prelude.  For a rower, it could be that time when the whole crew works together as a unit and the boat 'swings'.  For a surfer, it could be paddling at just the right speed to catch and surf a perfect wave. 

              Whatever flow is, you've got to find it for you.  And start doing that thing more and more.  Why?  Because when you're in flow, you
are
the action.  Ego dissolves, and there is no more you – there is only do.  So think back to all those times when you were in flow, and seek out those activities again.  You may be surprised to find yourself revisiting something you haven't done in a long time which you still find strangely gratifying. 

5) Travel. 
Of all of the methods listed above, this may very well be the most potent.  Much of what you consider your fixed identity is anchored into your environment: your dwelling, your workplace, the streets you usually drive, the supermarket you usually shop at, the drink you usually order, the people you usually hang out with, the clothes you usually wear.

              Remove all those hooks, and a new version of you (or no-you) has a chance to emerge.  The more removed the locale from your everyday experience, the more likely you are to let go of the fixed notion of self. 

              So go hang out with some Galapagos turtles, Peruvian shamans, African springboks, and Mongolian herdsmen.  Then write back and tell me how it went.

              There's one method that's guaranteed not to give you any results at all, and that's doing what you have been doing all along.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  This book is about getting results by
taking action
.  No action, no results.  You've taken one big step towards getting results by purchasing this book and reading this far.  If you really want to test the idea of no-self and reap its benefits in your life, commit to doing at least two of the above steps now.  You'll be glad you did.

Who you really are

              We've talked about how you are not some static entity known as the self.  Let's say you agree with that.  So what
are
you then?

              We've got a lot of options here, so let's try this one on for size: you are a conduit for abundance in the universe.  To say that you are a conduit means that abundance is already present in the universe; you are merely the instrument it passes through.  Since you are the conduit, you do not get to own any of the abundance; you are just the pipeline.

              Expanding on that idea, you are also a conduit for right action, or
te
. 
Te
is the implementation aspect of the Tao.  Taoism is far from being a passive philosophy. It is about taking right action so in consonance with the Tao, so in tune with the natural way of things, that it
seems
effortless, the way water flows downstream.  When you become one with the flow of the Tao, your actions take on a lightness, grace and effectiveness that they wouldn't have when they were emanating from the ego.  You abolish struggle.

              Another idea to ponder has roots in every ancient spiritual system.  In the Hindu tradition, it is called
advaita
, which is Sanskrit for non-duality.  It simply means that there is a ground of being, a basic essence from which all beings in the universe arise.  Plainly stated, it is about how we are all cut from the same fabric. 

              Rationally, this is easy to grasp: we're all made of the same molecules and atoms that make up the rest of the universe.  The chair you're sitting on, the air you're breathing, the clothes you're wearing are all made of the same molecules of carbon, oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, etc.  By extension, you can imagine that there is also a spiritual essence that makes up all beings and the whole of the universe.  And you are made of that. 

              If this seems like an abstract concept to you right now, don't worry.  Monks spend years meditating on this so they can fully grasp their oneness with the universe at a visceral level.  As long as you are interested in grasping this concept and applying it to your life, you will. 

              Perhaps some day you'll start a regular meditation practice (if you don't already have one) and really feel the meaning of
advaita
in your bones.  In the meantime, the passage below from an ancient Hindu text is one of the best I have encountered in explaining how all beings are made of the same essence.  In it, King Aruni is explaining the concept of non-duality to his son Svetaketu, who has just returned from his long studies:

The bees, my dear son, prepare honey by gathering the nectar of different trees and reducing that nectar to a unity.  So that the nectar from each different tree is not able to differentiate: "I am the nectar of this tree" and "I am the nectar of that tree."  In exactly the same way, my son, when all creatures merge into reality, they are not aware that "We are merging into reality."  No matter what they are in this world – whether they are a tiger, a lion, a wolf, a boar, a worm, a moth, a gnat, or a mosquito – they all merge into that reality.  That finest essence here is the self of the whole world.  That is reality; that is the self.  And thou art that.

                            –
Chandogya Upanishad
, translated by R. Hume, p. 264

Embracing The Goddess

              Western society has a pervasive habit of self-diminishment.  As children, we are told that pride is the deadliest of the seven mortal sins.  Hubris brought Achilles down, and if we're not careful, it will surely bring us down, too.  Thus, many of us spend our lives overcompensating for this fear of egotism.  We politely deflect compliments, try our best not to seem too smart, too pretty, too stylish.  We compete in self-deprecation contests to see who can put herself down the most.

              Now I'm not quite sure how you benefit from hiding your light under a bushel.  How does playing small and feeling small enrich the world around you?  In fact, diminishing your gifts is a selfish act since you're depriving all those around you of your light.  And as a woman, the world needs your light now more than ever. 

              There is no more eloquent expression of this idea than in Marianne Williamson's
Return to Love
:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that's within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we automatically give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

              So I would like to propose an alternative to this regime of self-diminishment: the embracing of the Goddess within.  In many Eastern spiritual traditions, especially the various forms of Tantra, we are all manifestations of divine energy.  Thus, as a woman, you are the incarnation of the divine in female human form. 

              At some point before, you may have heard the idea that you contain the Goddess within you.  You may have even found it interesting and appealing if somewhat abstract, not certain how it would apply to your life. 

              I'd like to bring to your attention that, far from being an abstraction, the idea of embodying the Goddess is an eminently practical one, with immediate, life-changing consequences.  Because Goddess status is not something that you apply for or wait to receive when you are worthy.  The Goddess is already within you, waiting to emerge.  You just have to let it. In her excellent book
A Woman's Worth
(which I highly recommend if you haven't read it already), Williamson says:

We think of ourselves as flesh and bone, resumes and relationships, clothes and cosmetics.  The truth of who we are, why we're here and where we're going is far more spectacular than any of these worldly things indicate.  We are God's precious vessels and we are always pregnant with his possibilities.

              The way to allow the Goddess to emerge is simple:
act as if you already are her
.  If the Goddess represents infinite kindness, then you act with infinite kindness.  If the Goddess is grace, then you behave graciously.  If the Goddess is nurturance, then you nurture those around you.  If the Goddess is strength, then you are strong and give strength to those around you.  If the Goddess is radiance, then you shine your light wherever you go.