“Indeed, she sounds most—most estimable,” Kirra replied, stumbling over the words. Belinda Brendyn sounded like a woman it would be impossible to hate. Bad news for Kirra.
He turned his head again to look at her, his face sober. “Since I have met you, I have wished every day I had not married her,” he said deliberately. “I find myself wanting to ask you, Where were you, Kirra Danalustrous? Why did you not come to Ghosenhall two seasons back? Where were you when my cousin hosted his own summer ball? I would have seen you, I think, the minute you entered the ballroom. I would have come across the floor to learn your name. After one dance with you I would have known what I had found. What I wanted. So where were you all that time?”
Her throat was so tight it was an effort to talk. “I was crossing the northern borders of Tilt, shaped like a lion. I was swimming the ocean off Fortunalt like some great fish of the sea. I was camping on the road between Helven and Rappengrass. I was exploring the world. I didn’t know anyone was looking for me.”
“I wish I had kept on looking,” he said.
“I wish I had kept on traveling,” she replied. “For this is proving to be too hard.”
“I don’t know how to change that,” he said. “I could offer to turn back now—let you go on to Nocklyn and Rappengrass without me. But what good would that do? I will see you again and again. In Ghosenhall. In Brassenthwaite. In Danalustrous. You know our paths will cross. Now that I know you are alive, I will suddenly find you everywhere. Or I will make some excuse to go to the places where I think you’ll be. I will try not to, if you tell me that’s what you want, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to forget about you.”
She felt suddenly dreary. “Then it will be up to me,” she said. “To make sure I am not where you think I will be.”
“To avoid me?”
“If I have to.”
“Do you want to?”
She almost couldn’t speak. “No,” she said at last.
“Then don’t. Not now. Not yet. Not ever.”
“Well, I can’t just at the moment,” she said with a little sigh. “For there are Nocklyn and Rappengrass to get through, and I don’t see either of us heading for home just yet. But I do not think the rest of this trip will be an easy one for either of us.”
“Just do me a favor. When we’re in Rappengrass, be cool to Darryn. Treat him with disdain. Don’t invite him back to Danalustrous.”
She couldn’t help laughing at that, though the laughter felt as if it scrabbled up past hollow ribs in a painful chest. “Why not? I have been wondering if I should try to induce him to come courting Casserah.”
“Because every time I see him flirting with you I want to run him through with a sword. And I don’t think the rest of my tenure as regent would go so well if I start off by murdering serramar.”
She laughed again, a little more naturally. “He’s flirting with Casserah, not me.”
“You might be shaped like Casserah, but when I look at you, all I see is Kirra.”
“I shall have Donnal take Casserah’s shape some day and see if you can tell us apart. I think you will find yourself confused. I think you might then start to question some of these rash emotions.”
“I think I will know you no matter how you present yourself,” he retorted. “Go ahead. Come to me in some other guise and see how quickly I recognize you.”
She shook her head. Her smile was rueful, but at least she managed a smile. “Don’t tempt me,” she warned. “You have no idea how reckless I can be.”
“Yes, I do,” he said. “I saw you on the road to Tilt.”
She widened her eyes. “I think I was most circumspect on that particular journey!”
“You hazarded your life multiple times.”
“I never felt anything but safe.”
“I cannot believe you have lived long enough for me to meet you, even this late.”
She laughed again. “I think you must have led a very tame life in Merrenstow.”
He laughed, too, but almost instantly his expression grew serious. “Why haven’t you ever married, Kirra?” he asked.
For a moment there was no air. Finally, she found a way to breathe. “I’m only twenty-five—twenty-six this fall,” she said. “Plenty of time to charm a young lord with a sense of adventure. If I can find one, that is. The serramar I know are usually quite sedate.”
“And ugly,” he said. “I wouldn’t think you’d like them.”
“You’re right,” she agreed. “Perhaps I’ll run off with a Rider, as Senneth has, or someone equally unsuitable. A tavern-keeper. A sea captain. A smithy.”
“Your father will be shocked.”
“Nothing shocks my father.”
“Your sister, then.”
She laughed. “Even less likely.”
“You’ll break my heart.”
“So you can marry and I cannot?” she said. “That seems a little hard on me.”
“Marry wisely, then,” he said. “Someone I would approve of.”
She was irritated. “Should I let you shop for my groom?”
“That’s a good idea,” he approved. “But I have to warn you, it might take years before I find someone suitable. Decades, even.”
She laughed. “I think I shall take care of my own matrimonial plans, thank you.”
He gave her another serious look. “But why? Truly? Why haven’t you married before now?”
People had asked her this question often in recent weeks. She always found herself at a loss, not least because she thought it was a stupid question. She was happy as she was; she was responsible for no one but herself. Her life was crammed with travel and excitement and a long parade of people. She didn’t feel a lack. And now that Casserah had been named heir, she didn’t even have the pressure to marry for the sake of Danalustrous. She only had to suit herself.
“I never thought about it,” she said finally. “It never occurred to me that I could only have a good life if I was paired with someone else. My life is full as it is.” She flashed him one quick glance and looked away. “And I had never met the man who made me say, ‘Now. This one. Stop looking.’ I wasn’t even looking.”
“Are you going to start looking now?”
Now that you’ve met me,
he implied.
Now that I’ve made you examine what it might feel like to be in love.
“I will go on as I always have,” she said. “I don’t know yet what has changed.”
“Everything has changed,” he said.
“And nothing,” she said. “Not the way I live my life, not the way you live yours. We both go on as before.”
“We go on,” he said, “but I am a different man.”
CHAPTER
23
L
ATE in the afternoon there was an ominous crack from the lead carriage. It canted over to one side and halted in the road, the horses neighing and tangling in the lines. The driver of the second coach, drowsing in the sun, yanked his own team to the left, but not in time to avoid ramming his side door against the rear of the other coach. The third driver was more alert and halted without contact, but it was instantly clear that they were faced with a real problem. The lead carriage had broken an axle and the second one had lost a door.
They were going to be here awhile as repairs were made.
Colton, the captain of the Merrenstow guard, seemed to be the one taking care of all logistical problems. He immediately began to sort through the ranks of soldiers to find those with carpentry skills. Romar jogged up to check on Amalie and Valri. Kirra dismounted and looked around, instantly finding what she’d expected: Senneth, Tayse, Justin, and Cammon on foot in a loose huddle, discussing their options. Donnal was on his way to Kirra’s side. She nodded toward the others, and they arrived together at their small knot of friends.
“Good thing Amalie was out of the carriage,” Kirra observed.
“Colton’s checking to make sure it was an accidental break,” Senneth said briefly.
Kirra felt a flash of astonishment. Or possibly fear. “You mean—you think someone—”
Tayse shrugged. “Easy thing to do to cut partway through an axle and then let the motion of the journey do the rest. Could have been worse if we’d been traveling faster.”
“Or on a bridge. Or fording water,” Justin added.
Donnal had his eyes on the crews starting to overhaul the carriages. “This work won’t go fast,” he said. “We’ll still be here by nightfall.”
Senneth and Tayse exchanged glances. “Camp out overnight?” Senneth said slowly. “With the princess and the queen?”
“Terrible idea,” Kirra said. “We’ve got one carriage left. Melly can ride a horse, though she doesn’t like to. I’m assuming the royal servants can as well, and so can you and I. Put Amalie and Valri in my carriage till we get to the next town.”
“We could do that,” Senneth said. She sounded uncertain.
“Everyone knows when we left the Keep,” Tayse said. “Everyone knows how far we’re likely to get tonight. If trouble was to come after us, it might go looking in—” He paused, trying to remember the name of the next market town on their route. “Loben.”
There was silence while they all digested this. “But are we any safer camped out on the road?” Kirra asked. “If someone is truly interested in harming Amalie, she’s in just as much danger out in the open countryside.”
Tayse gave her one of his rare smiles. “I think between us we can manage to protect her,” he said. “Don’t you?”
She laughed. Her concern was starting to give way to her sense of adventure. “You’ll never convince Valri to sleep on the ground.”
“She and Amalie can lie in the carriage,” Senneth said. “Melly can sleep out with us. We’ll put the Riders in a circle around the carriage, and the soldiers in a circle around the Riders. Cammon at one end of the camp, Donnal at the other. Hard to believe anyone could penetrate those defenses.”
Cammon spoke for the first time. “Raelynx,” he said.
They all looked at him.
“We’re not far from the Lireth Mountains,” he said. “Raelynxes cross from the Lirrens into Coravann from time to time, the queen told me.”
“Is that what you and Valri were talking about this whole time?” Kirra demanded. “I couldn’t imagine
what
you were saying to her—”
Cammon seemed surprised. “I asked her about my raelynx, back at the palace.” It was hardly
Cammon’s
raelynx, Kirra reflected. Senneth was the one who had caught and half-tamed the wild red cat. Though they’d been lucky it was still almost a baby when they found it. Adult raelynxes were so large, so ferocious, and so indifferent to weapons that they could almost never be captured or killed. Cammon went on, “Valri’s the one who’s been taking care of him, you know, and with her being gone so long, I was worried. But she’s got someone to make sure he’s fed and healthy. And then we just got to talking.” He shrugged. Cammon didn’t have much sense of class distinctions. “But she’s the one who mentioned that we might see a raelynx on this part of the trip.”
Senneth had a palm over her face, probably hiding a laugh. “Bright Mother blind me,” she said, dropping her hand with a sigh. “I don’t know that I can control a full-grown raelynx that jumps out on us by night.”
“I can,” Cammon said, and they all stared at him again. Again, he showed surprise. “Really, I can. And I think Valri can, too.”
Kirra and Senneth exchanged glances. More and more mystery about the dark little queen. “Well,” Senneth said. “I don’t know that we want to make the experiment. I might just set up a ring of fire around the whole campsite to scare off whatever night creatures get curious.”
“Pretty big signal to anyone looking for us,” Justin observed.
Senneth nodded. “We’ll be hard to overlook in any case. If we can only have stealth or safety, I’ll opt for safety.”
They dispersed to spread the news through camp. Kirra followed Senneth as she made her way toward royalty, and was amused to find that Amalie was charmed by the idea.