The Thong Also Rises (16 page)

Determined to find out the truth, I found the tag that came tied around the neck of the bottle. I brought out my “Spanish-English” dictionary, my “English-Spanish” dictionary, my
Spanish for Travelers in Mexico
book, my
Everything You Need to Know While Travelling in Baja
book, and the
electronic translator I had purchased for times such as these. I looked up every word on that tag.

Two of the Spanish words were not in any of the books. When I entered them into the little electronic brain however, the words “powerful aphrodisiac” popped up. It all came rushing back to me, Don Chong, Pablo, Pedro, and all those dreams.

Oh, those dreams.

Katie McLane was born in Cambridge, England, and now lives in the Pacific Northwest on her thirty-two-foot sailboat
, moondance.
When she is not sailing about the San Juan Islands, she is working on her first book,
2000 Tides.

After lunch, I headed back to the air-conditioned luxury of the tour bus to await the trip back to Cancún.The driver and I were the only people on the bus. I asked him, “
¿Habla inglés?
” He didn't speak English, so we tried to converse in Spanish. Let me rephrase that. I tried. He, on the other hand, had a perfectly good grasp of his native language. We exchanged pleasant hellos. Then he, like every male I'd come across in Mexico thus far, complemented me on my
amarillo
hair. I was a yellow-blonde on that first trip to Mexico, and on my first day there I had felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because the men were much more attentive to me than those in my home country of Canada. I thanked the bus driver, who then said something that I did not understand. He then did something quite strange; he pulled down the zipper on his pants! I'm not quite sure if he was trying to show me that the hair on his carpet matched that of his attic, but all I could think of saying was, ”
¡No entiendo!
” That ended that conversation, and the zipper went back up. I never felt I was in any danger, but to this day, I still wonder which of my Spanglish he mistook for, “Please undo your pants for me, Señor Bus Driver”

—Louise Schutte, “Spanglish and Me”

Honey, what's that in the freezer?

A
S SOON AS THE
2003 W
ORLD
T
AXIDERMY
C
HAMPION
ships opened, the heads came rolling in the door.There were foxes and moose and freeze-dried wild turkeys; mallards and buffalo and chipmunks and wolves; weasels and buffleheads and bobcats and jackdaws; big fish and little fish and razorbacked boar.The deer came in herds, in carloads, and on pallets: dozens and dozens of whitetail and roe; half deer and whole deer and deer with deformities, sneezing and glowering and nuzzling and yawning; does chewing apples and bucks nibbling leaves.There were millions of eyes, boxes and bowls of them, some as small as a lentil and some as big as a poached egg. There were animal mannequins, blank faced and brooding, earless and eyeless and utterly bald: ghostly gray duikers and spectral pine martens and black-bellied tree ducks from some other world. An entire exhibit hall was filled with equipment, all the gear required to bring something dead back to life: replacement noses for grizzlies, false teeth for beavers, fish-fin cream, casting clay, upholstery nails.

The championships were held in April at the Springfield, Illinois, Crowne Plaza hotel, the sort of nicely appointed place that seems more suited to regional sales conferences and rehearsal dinners than to having wolves in the corridors and people crossing the lobby shouting, “Heads up! Buffalo coming through!” A thousand taxidermists converged on Springfield to have their best pieces judged and to attend such seminars as “Mounting Flying Waterfowl,” “Whitetail Deer—From a Master!,” and “Using a Fleshing Machine.” In the Crowne Plaza lobby, across from the concierge desk, a grooming area had been set up. The taxidermists were bent over their animals, holding flashlights to check problem areas like tear ducts and nostrils and wielding toothbrushes to tidy flyaway fur. People milled around, greeting fellow taxidermists they hadn't seen since the world championships, held in Springfield two years ago, and talking shop.

“Acetone rubbed on a squirrel tail will fluff it right back up.”

“My feeling is that it's quite tough to do a good tongue.”

“The toes on a real competitive piece are very important. I think Bondo works nicely, and so does Super Glue.”

“I knew a fellow with cattle, and I told him, ‘If you ever have one stillborn, I'd really like to have it.' I thought it would make a really nice mount.”

That there is a taxidermy championship at all is something of an astonishment, not only to the people in the world who have no use for a Dan-D-Noser and Soft Touch Duck Degreaser, but also to taxidermists themselves. For a long time, taxidermists kept their own counsel. Taxidermy, the three-dimensional representation of animals for permanent display, has been around since the eighteenth century, but it was first brought into popular regard by the Victorians, who thrilled to all tokens of exotic travel and especially to any
domesticated representations of wilderness—the glassed-in miniature rain forest on the tea table, the mounted antelope by the front door.The original taxidermists were upholsterers who tanned the hides of hunting trophies and then plumped them up with rags and cotton, so that they reassumed their original shape and size; those early poses were still and simple, the expressions fairly expressionless. The practice grew popular in this country, too: by 1882, there was a Society of American Taxidermists, which held annual meetings and published scholarly reports, especially on the matter of preparing animals for museum display. As long as taxidermy served to preserve wild animals and make them available for study, it was viewed as an honorable trade, but most people were still discomfited by it. How could you not be? It was the business of dealing with dead things, coupled with the questionable enterprise of making dead things look like live things. In spite of its scientific value, it was usually regarded as almost a black art, a wholly owned subsidiary of witchcraft and voodoo. By the early part of the twentieth century, taxidermists such as Carl E. Akeley, William T. Hornaday, and Leon Pray had refined techniques and begun emphasizing artistry. But the more the techniques of taxidermy improved, the more it discomfited: Instead of the lumpy moose head that was so artless that it looked fake, there were mounts of pouncing bobcats so immaculately and exactly preserved, they made you flinch.

For the next several decades, taxidermy existed in the margins—a few practitioners here and there, often self-taught and usually known only by word of mouth. Then, in the late 1960s, a sort of transformation began: the business started to seem cleaner and less creepy—or maybe, in that messy, morbid time, popular culture started to again appreciate the messy, morbid business of mounting animals for display. An ironic reinterpretation of cluttered, bourgeois
Victoriana and its strained juxtapositions of the natural and the man-made was in full revival—what hippie outpost didn't have a stuffed owl or a moose head draped with a silk shawl?—so, once again, taxidermy found a place in the public eye. Supply houses concocted new solvents and better tanning compounds, came out with lightweight mannequins, produced modern formulations of resins and clays. Taxidermy schools opened; previously, any aspiring taxidermist could hope to learn the trade only by apprenticing or by taking one of a few correspondence courses available. In 1971, the National Taxidermy Association was formed (the old society had moldered long before). In 1974, a trade magazine called
Taxidermy Review
began sponsoring national competitions. For the first time, most taxidermists had a chance to meet one another and share advice on how to glue tongues into jaw sets or accurately measure the carcass of a squirrel.

The competitions were also the first time that taxidermists could compare their skills and see who in the business could sculpt the best moose septum or could most perfectly capture the look on a prowling coyote's face.Taxidermic skill is a function of how deft you are at skinning an animal and then stretching its hide over a mannequin and sewing it into place. Top-of-the-line taxidermists sculpt their own mannequins; otherwise they will buy a ready-made polyurethane foam form and tailor the skin to fit. Body parts that can't be preserved (ears, eyes, noses, lips, tongues) can be either store-bought or hand-made. How good the mount looks—that is, how alive it looks—is a function of how assiduously the taxidermist has studied reference material (photographs, drawings, and actual live animals) so that he or she knows the particular creature literally and figuratively inside out.

To be good at taxidermy, you have to be good at sewing,
sculpting, painting, and hairdressing, and mostly you have to be a little bit of a zoology nerd. You have to love animals— love looking at them, taking photographs of them, hunting them, measuring them, casting them in plaster of Paris when they're dead so that you have a reference when you're, say, attaching ears or lips and want to get the angle and shape exactly right. Some taxidermists raise the animals they most often mount, so they can just step out in the backyard when they're trying to remember exactly how a deer looks when it's licking its nose, especially because modern taxidermy emphasizes mounts with interesting expressions, rather than the stunned-looking creations of the past.Taxidermists seem to make little distinction between loving animals that are alive and loving ones that are not.”I love deer,” one of my champions in the Whitetail division said to me. “They're my babies.”