Is that part of living your life?”
Anna hurried to keep pace with Kael, who was walking like she wanted to get away from her. I wasn’t thinking about Elin as much as I was thinking about me. “You can’t use that to blackmail me. This is not about Elin.”
“Well, excuse me. I thought you loved her more than that, but maybe I was wrong.”
Anna could not suppress her fury. “Fuck you, Kael. You know I love Elin. Don’t you dare ever question that.”
“I’m questioning a lot of things.” Kael gave her a dark look.
Anna dropped the paper bag on the floor and took a step away. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Let’s just get upstairs, okay?”
“No. I want an answer.”
Kael stopped walking and turned to face her. “Come upstairs with me right now. This conversation is over.”
“No.” Anna held her ground, desolate inside at the sudden turn of the conversation. Kael loves Elin, right?
That’s what it boils down to, in the end. Kael loves Elin, and he just tolerates me. Barely. I wish I had just slept in this morning. “You go on. I’m not—”
“Goddamn it.” Kael’s voice rose in renewed anger. Anna winced as a strong hand latched onto her upper arm. “We’re going upstairs. Don’t argue with me right now, or I swear—”
“What? You don’t scare me, boy. You never have.” Anna tried to wrench her arm from Kael’s cruel grip.
“Let go of me!”
Kael picked up the bag Anna had dropped. “What’s this?” she asked, holding it up in front of Anna’s face.
Helpless tears leaked from Anna’s eyes. “I wanted to get Elin some new books.”
Kael stared at her for a moment, then pulled her sharply toward the staircase. “Let’s go give them to her, then.”
“Kael, please don’t—”
“Just walk.” Kael kept her face forward as she led them up the stairs.
Anna tightened her fingers on the narrow end of the baseball bat she still carried in her free hand. Some part of her twitched with the desire to bring it crashing down on Kael’s arm to force her release, but she couldn’t bring herself to strike out at the woman whom she both loved and despised in that moment.
Infuriated by her own impotence, she shouted, “You’re hurting me!”
Kael ignored the angry protest and marched her ruthlessly down the third-floor hallway toward their office home, only faltering when they were within feet of the door.
Anna took advantage of her brief hesitation, finally tugging herself free. Wanting to put an end to their fight, she mumbled, “I’m sorry, okay?”
Kael’s hand froze on the door handle, and Anna’s heart stuttered as she waited for her response.
“Kael? Anna? Are you two okay out there?”
Elin’s tentative voice sounded from behind the closed door. Kael hesitated a moment, then reached back to grab Anna’s hand. “Look who I found,” she said, pulling her inside.
Elin sat up on the couch. “Anna, God. I’m so glad you two are back.”
All of Anna’s reluctance to come upstairs with Kael disappeared at Elin’s soft words. Managing a smile, she wiped at her tear-dampened cheeks. She dropped her bat on the floor and jammed both hands into the pockets of her jeans. “I’m glad to be back.”
Kael snorted. “I’m sure she is.” She crossed the room and leaned one hip against the desk in the center of the office, the shopping bag dangling from her careless hand. “Guess who managed to find some trouble this morning.”
“It wasn’t that big a deal,” Anna said, sensing Elin’s anxiety. “I had already handled it when Kael showed up.”
“What happened?” Elin sat forward on the couch. “Are you all right?”
“It was just this crazy old man who thought I had the sickness.” Anna offered an embarrassed shrug. “I knocked him down, and I’d already escaped when Kael found me.”
“He had a gun,” Kael said.
Elin gasped at the revelation, but before she could speak, Anna hastily shot back, “And no bullets.”
“You didn’t know that,” Kael pointed out coolly.
Anna turned imploring eyes on Elin. “Look, I know it wasn’t the smartest thing to go out like that—”
“That’s an understatement,” Kael said.
“I just wanted some fresh air.” Anna’s cheeks colored at the shame of being made to explain herself to her friends. “I’m sorry. I’m not used to being confined inside, and I hate being told what to do. I wanted to see the sky over my head.”
Elin gave Anna a warm smile. “Sweetheart, it’s okay. I love you. I just worry…Kael worries—”
“Yeah, Kael worries. He made sure to let me know exactly how upset my leaving had made you.”
“Here.” Kael tossed the paper bag onto the couch next to Elin. “Why don’t we see what Anna brought back for you, baby? After all, she nearly got killed for it.”
Anna swiveled around where she stood and exploded in anger. “Why don’t you just shut the fuck up, Kael?
You’ve barely spoken to me all week, and now you give a damn?”
Kael recoiled as if struck. For a moment, her face was startlingly vulnerable. “I always give a damn about you, Anna. You know that.”
Anna fought back her rising emotion. “You give a damn about whether or not I’m upsetting Elin. You give a damn if I’m disobeying you. But me, Kael? Sometimes I think you’d rather I wasn’t around, so you wouldn’t have to deal with someone who isn’t willing to let you dictate her every action.”
“That’s what you think, huh?” Kael pushed off the desk to tower over Anna. “After everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve told you? You think I wish you weren’t around?”
What about everything you’ve never told me? What about all the things I feel for you that I’m starting to doubt you’ll ever really feel for me? Anna looked at Elin, and for a brief, startling instant, she was envious of her lover. She and Kael had grown close, that was certain, but there was still something between Elin and Kael that Anna had never felt with Kael. It was a gaping hole in their family, an incompleteness that tore at Anna’s soul.
Anna wondered if Kael had ever even noticed.
“Forget it,” Anna said, wishing she could take back the words, no matter how true they were. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“What’s this?” On the couch, Elin held the slingshot in her hand. Her attempt to defuse the situation was obvious. “This is for me?”
Anna blushed. “No, that…was for Kael.”
Nobody spoke. Anna felt the weight of the silent exchange she knew was happening between Kael and Elin, but she stayed outside of that intimacy. It was a place she felt she would never be invited.
“Thank you for the books.” Elin held up the Stephen King novel. “I’ve always wanted to read this one.”
“You’re welcome. You should have seen the bookstore. It was really cool.”
Kael picked up the slingshot and held it in both hands, all of her attention riveted on the gift. “This wasn’t worth getting hurt over.”
“Kael,” Elin said quietly, “can’t you just say what you mean?”
Kael’s throat worked, as if she were struggling with something deep inside. “That is what I mean. I understand that Anna was feeling claustrophobic, and I understand that she felt capable of going out, no matter what I said, but none of it is worth getting hurt over.”
“I didn’t get hurt.” Anna met Kael’s challenging stare. “I took care of that guy, and I got away. Goddamn it, Kael. What is it going to take for you to give me just a little trust?”
“Maybe you could start by acting trustworthy. I’m supposed to trust you when you sneak out of here when we’re sleeping, like some kind of criminal?”
“Maybe if I wasn’t kept fucking prisoner—”
“Anna!” The strength of Elin’s voice snapped them both to attention. “Listen, both of you. Things can’t continue like this. I know you’re frustrated, but please calm down.”
Anna took a step backwards, exhaling harshly. “Why do you always take his side?”
Elin held up both hands. The left one was still wrapped in a bright white bandage. The burn beneath grew less painful and ugly every day, but it didn’t yet allow for Elin to effectively defend herself. Thus, they remained in the city. She gave Anna a pleading look. “I’m not taking his side.”
“Like hell—”
“I’m not taking his side.” Her face darkened. “I’m not taking your side, either. What you did was dangerous.
And more than that, it showed a real lack of respect for both Kael and me. I was scared when Kael woke me up this morning and showed me that note. I had no idea how long you’d even been out. I also get scared every time Kael leaves, but at least then I know what’s going on.”
“I’m sorry,” Anna said, chastened. “I screwed up. I told Kael, I’m telling you, I’m sorry.”
“I know. I forgive you.” To Kael, she said, “And as for you—”
“What?” Kael asked gruffly. “I told her it was dangerous to go outside, and I was right.”
“Kael, you can’t go on like this. You can’t keep holding back from Anna like you have been.”
Kael blinked. Her cheeks flushed red, and she lowered her eyes to the slingshot once again. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Obviously tense, she spoke in a clipped tone.
“You’re taking out all your fears about me—about losing me—on Anna. And it’s not fair, baby. You know it’s not fair.”
“I’ve been trying to be better,” Kael muttered. She tossed the slingshot on the desk and strode toward the office door. “I don’t understand what you expect me to do. I can’t just—”
“For better or worse, this is the situation,” Elin called after her. “The three of us together. We have to find a way to make this work. Keeping Anna at a distance isn’t going to help anything.”
Kael stopped as she reached the door, but didn’t turn around. “I don’t.”
“You do. We both know how you feel about Anna. But does she know?”
Anna held her breath at the question that hung in the air, waiting to see some confirmation in the movement of Kael’s body. Strong shoulders stretched the thin cotton of her T-shirt, stock still at Elin’s quiet question.
“Anna knows I care about her,” Kael said to the door. “I’ve told her that.”
“You more than care about her,” Elin declared. “I think maybe she even knows that, but sometimes it’s hard for her to believe when—” Elin sighed helplessly. “Stop holding so much of yourself back from her. Please.
You know she deserves more than that.”
Anna stood by, uncertain. On the one hand she felt the need to go to Elin and seek the comfort that she was always willing to give; on the other, she prayed that Kael would offer her even a glimpse of what she always saw between her companions. When Kael turned and found her with a fearful gaze, Anna managed a brave smile.
“I’m not holding back.” Kael lowered her eyes as she whispered the weak denial.
“Kael, you know there’s a piece of you that you’ve never shared with Anna. It’s a piece that I love very much. I know Anna would love it, too. Anna loves you, baby. Why can’t you let her know you feel the same way?”
Kael’s face screwed up, then she regained her stoic mask. Weakly, she asked, “How did this become a discussion about me?”
“Because this is about more than just Anna sneaking out this morning,” Elin said. “It’s about the way Anna feels in this relationship. It’s about the fact that the only times you ever really let go with Anna is when you’re angry or frustrated.” Kael started to speak then stopped, frowning. “It’s not enough for you to be honest with me anymore. I’m asking you to be honest with Anna, too. For all of us.”
Kael seemed to shrink a little, and her broad shoulders bowed inward like she wanted to disappear where she stood. At length, she shifted her attention to Anna. Her full lower lip quivered, making Anna’s chest ache as she watched the struggle playing out on Kael’s face.
“Do you really believe that I wish you weren’t around?” Kael’s voice radiated hurt.
“No,” Anna said. “Well, not usually.” She gave Kael an embarrassed shrug as their eyes finally met. “I do know that you care about me, Kael. I know I don’t act like it sometimes, but…I know.”
“But I don’t tell you all of it.” Kael cocked her head. “Do I?”
“I don’t know,” Anna said quietly. “Do you?”
Kael hesitated only a moment before crossing to Anna. Reaching out with a shaking hand, she brought her fingertips inches from Anna’s cheek, but stopped before she made contact. Then she drew away.
“I just keep screwing things up, don’t I?” Kael rubbed the palm of her hand over her head, exhaling shakily.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It never seemed this hard with Elin.”
Anna lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “I understand.” After all, it was Elin.
Strong fingers gripped her chin. “It’s not because I don’t love you,” Kael said. “I promise you that. If anything, it’s because I love you so much it seems unreal to me. I feel so much for you, Anna. It scares the hell out of me.”
She never thought she would actually hear those words from Kael’s lips. Her chin trembled in Kael’s hand.
“Even when I’m being a stubborn bitch?”
“Especially when you’re stubborn.” Kael’s voice was full of affectionate exasperation. “Goddamn it.”
She gave Kael a tentative smile. “Hug?”
Kael pulled Anna into a tight embrace. “I think I need one.” Pressing her face into Anna’s hair, she mumbled, “I really was scared this morning, Anna-baby. I’m sorry if I hurt your arm.”
Anna exhaled at the silly nickname that fell from Kael’s lips as though she’d uttered it countless times. “I’m okay. I’m sorry I scared you. And I’m sorry I snuck out.”
“I wouldn’t like being kept inside, either,” Kael said. “In fact, I don’t like being inside. I apologize for that.
We’ll figure something out.”
Anna shot Elin a quick grin. “You’ll trust me to do some stuff on my own?”
Kael’s nose wrinkled as she scowled playfully. “But I don’t have to like it.”
“I don’t expect you to like it.” Anna raised up on her tiptoes and kissed the corner of Kael’s mouth. “And I appreciate it. Thank you.”