I began to pick up the larger of the shards of glass and place them in the bin. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Sorry for twatting your stuff.’
‘It’s okay, Finn. Really.’
‘Could have been worse,’ Finn added. ‘Last time I got like this, I twatted Henry. Broke his wrist.’ He sat in silence for a while. ‘Hm. Shouldn’t have told you that, should I? It was an accident, though. I wasn’t aiming for him – he just kinda got in my way. I mean, I wouldn’t hit
you
, y’know?’
‘Yeah, I know. You’re not that dumb.’
He smiled for the first time that night. ‘Too fuckin’ right I’m not.’
*****
When I was satisfied that the last fragment of glass had been removed from the floor, I finally returned to my bed. Finn had sat motionless throughout, silently watching me, coming back to himself.
‘I’ll go soon, honest.’
‘Take whatever time you need. How’re you doing now?’
‘Well I don’t feel like I’m about to go on a massacre anymore. But my back’s having a proper fight with my face to see which one hurts most.’
‘Help yourself to codeine. They’re in that top drawer.’ It was a simple offer, but I must have been exhausted to say anything so stupid. All I could do was lie still in the half-light and hope I hadn’t just made things a million times worse.
Two hundred and twelve breaths.
That’s how long it took me to risk moving again.
I hadn’t intended to take up Lilith’s offer, but as I hauled myself to my feet, I felt the deeper of the gashes across my shoulders re-open. The next day promised to be real fun, and I knew my meagre supply of ibuprofen wouldn’t begin to touch it.
I picked up the small amber bottle and turned it in my hands. Lilith’s name was on the label along with some stuff in Spanish, probably telling me not to mix this medication with other drugs or alcohol, which was actually pretty funny, all things considered.
Dos
… Two, I figured. I tipped two tiny pills into my hand. There were perhaps another fifty left in the bottle and I tapped the side until they all tumbled out and formed a haphazard pyramid in my palm.
A thin film of sweat covered my face. I had trained myself not to do this with my temazepam. Not after the last time. But this was a whole new challenge.
Codeine. Not one of the big guns, like smack or morphine, but I guessed I held enough in my hand for a peaceful night’s sleep without the added complication of waking up.
It was the best opportunity I’d had in months. With everything else in my bloodstream I could easily make it look like an accident, and I could even hear Lilith saying,
But I let him take them…
I glanced across at Lilith’s sleeping form and idly wondered if she’d be bothered, then remembered her gentle hands examining the mess Laura Fenworth had made of my face, and as soon as I thought about that it all fell apart.
I counted another fifty two breaths whilst I stared at my one-way ticket, then carefully tipped all but six tablets back into the bottle.
Not this time.
After only three hours’ sleep, that morning’s run was a real test of my tenacity. I could so easily have pulled the duvet over my head and stayed in that warm burrow all day, but I knew that even one lapse would be a sign that my resolve was beginning to crumble.
So under an azure sky that taunted me with memories of Santa Marita, I made my eleventh and final circuit of the island. As usual, Bran had joined me for this last slow lap, and now the little lurcher came to observe the stretches that marked the end of my run. She left me as I reached the solid side door that took me back into the Hall, trotting off to the greenhouse where she spent most of her day.
As I walked through the dining hall on the way to my breakfast in the kitchen, I saw Laura Fenworth sitting alone at the head of the table. Any pleasure from the previous night’s activities had long gone; she gazed down at the empty plate before her and I guessed she was scheduled for a meeting with
Blaine
.
‘Lovely morning, isn’t it?’ I asked with studied breezy insouciance.
Laura looked up in surprise. She had been lost in her own thoughts, and I wondered which part of her evening she was recalling.
‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’
‘Lilith Bresson. Court Artist. Enchanted to meet you.’ I offered Laura my hand, which she declined. ‘I understand you had a particularly energetic night.’
There was an involuntary twitch at the corner of her mouth. ‘How the hell do you know what I did last night?’
My false smile vanished. ‘Because after you’d finished with Finn, what was left of him came to see me.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah,
oh
.’
I didn’t have to say anything else then. I just stood there in my sweat-stained t-shirt and stared her down. She looked away first.
‘I’ve been having a hard time. My hus... My ex-husband... That wasn’t me, not really – but
Blaine
made it sound so…’
‘Easy?’ I suggested. ‘Enjoyable?’
‘She said it was his job.’ She closed her eyes.
‘You’ve just heard yourself, haven’t you? You’ve just listened to your own pathetic attempt at justification, and realised what shit it actually is.’
‘I really don’t want to talk about this.’ Laura Fenworth’s thin, clawed hands toyed with a silver teaspoon.
I leant forward so that she was forced to see my face. ‘That’s because no matter how much you try to justify your actions, or tell yourself the bad lady made you do it, you know that last night was who you become when you think no-one’s watching. Congratulations on your moral bankruptcy, Ms Fenworth.’
Blaine
met me in the narrow doorway that led to the staff quarters where she had no doubt been getting the details of last night’s drama from Henry. ‘Good morning, Lilith. I assume some beautifully modulated self-righteous outburst has just paved the way for my meeting with Ms Fenworthy? So thank you. It makes a rather pleasant change to share the workload.’ She strolled away from me and over to the table where her next victim waited, and the scant satisfaction I felt at attacking Laura disappeared at a stroke.
*****
‘Are you working all day?’ Henry asked nonchalantly as he served coffee.
‘I was planning to, but I’m hardly in the mood.’
‘No, I can quite imagine.’ Henry pulled up a chair. ‘Look, Lilith, I can’t apologise enough for last night. You should never have been dragged into it, but to be honest you dealt with Finn far better than I could ever have done.’
‘I didn’t
deal
with him, Henry, for fuck’s sake – it makes him sound like some kind of wild animal.’
‘I’m sorry. That’s not how it was meant to sound. It’s just that when he gets like that, the outcome tends to be a little… uncertain.’
I backed off. ‘Well, at least we got you out intact this time.’
‘Ah.’ Henry rolled his eyes. ‘Now
that
was an interesting night.’
‘Have you seen him this morning?’
‘Not yet. Perhaps the poor boy’s actually managed to grab a few hours’ sleep.’
I thought of the half-dozen codeine tablets that had gone from the bottle. ‘Perhaps. So, why did you ask?’
‘Ask what?’ Henry frowned. ‘Oh. That. Ah. It’s just that, well, I’ve got some shopping to do in the village. Finn usually comes with me, but after last night, things might be a little, well…’ he tailed off. ‘I was just wondered if you might fancy a morning off to join us.’
‘Sure.’
‘No, I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I had no right –’
‘Henry, I’m saying yes. A break from this place would be good. There’re a few things I need myself, and I really don’t fancy staring at
Blaine
’s face right now.’
‘Oh.’ Henry’s face broke into a delighted grin. ‘That’ll be wonderful. About ten o’clock, at the jetty?’
*****
‘I always take Finn with me for the big shop.’ Henry expertly guided the little boat to shore. ‘He’s rather useful for the heavier items.’
I lay with my face pointed to the sun and idly trailed my fingers in the foaming wake. Opposite me, his eyes focused on some distant point across the lake, sat Finn. He hadn’t said a word from the moment he met us at the tiny landing stage. I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t exactly ready for conversation myself.
He wore the same jeans and nearly-white t-shirt that he had worn on the day he made his move on me, and I realised that his own wardrobe consisted of about half-a-dozen items. I had merely swapped my sweat-soaked track pants and t-shirt for a clean set, and put in my brown contact lenses: my disguise when venturing out into the world. Only Henry had dressed for the occasion. In his cream chinos and mauve gingham shirt, he looked like he was going to spend an afternoon at his country club.
*****
The stares started as Henry tied our boat to the moorings. Two women talking on the jetty fell silent as we stepped ashore, and a cluster of young men, lolling on a bench overlooking the lake, gawped with affected slack-jawed indifference. In their sorry collection of stonewashed jeans and tracksuits that had never seen a second’s physical exertion, they made me look well-dressed.
‘God, it’s like fucking
Deliverance
.’ As we walked past the bench, its inhabitants passed whispered, giggling comments behind their hands. I just about made out ‘faggot’ and ‘gimp’ in their highly imaginative barrage of abuse.
‘Coyle’s cronies,’ Henry explained. ‘So called ‘Security’ and general maintenance. You get used to it.’
‘I sincerely hope I don’t. How much do they know?’
Finn glanced back at the gathering. ‘Just enough to stir up random shit as a hobby. They’ve got me pinned as some fuckin’ gay house pet. The rest they make up amongst themselves, with a few well-placed suggestions from Coyle.’
I was glad when we turned a corner that hid us from their sightlines. ‘Isn’t she worried that they might say something? I mean, outside this place?’
‘One did, once. Said to his cousin that he reckoned
Blaine
must be some kinda nymphomaniac on account of all the visitors she was getting. Just jokin’ on, really.’
‘And?’
‘Coyle had a little chat with him. Now his mother visits him every week and on a good day he recognises her.’ He kept walking, head down against the fading catcalls. ‘Anyway, they all know they’ve got it good. Hanging around the village and indulging in a little paid thuggery to pass the time.’
‘Yeah, I can’t really see them making it big in the city,’ I agreed. ‘So. What now?’
‘We trawl around the village, Henry loads me up like a cart horse, then we go back before
Blaine
unleashes hell because we’re out after curfew.’
‘Right. No offence Henry, but I really don’t fancy wasting my precious freedom hunting down organic kohlrabi. Is it all right if I meet you back here in an hour?’ I asked.
‘Better off breaking your car out of the compound then driving like the hounds of hell are trying to gnaw on your exhaust,’ Finn replied, before Henry could open his mouth.
I rolled my eyes. ‘Better off not tempting me. I’d like my brother’s school trips to go ahead without the need for an ambulance.’
*****
Anonymous and unrecognised, I spent my hour wandering aimlessly around the
village
of
Albermarle
.
The well-scrubbed families that inhabited the holiday cottages infested the street. I picked up snatches of conversation about what they might do for dinner – eat at that nice if slightly pricey restaurant or have a barbecue? – where they might go if it rained tomorrow; what exciting tales of windsurfing and fishing they would tell Grandad when they emailed him later that day.
It was as if I was observing them from behind the same screen that had separated me from Finn the night before. I could see them, but they were so far removed from my life that they could have been from a distant planet.
I drifted in and out of the tasteful, expensive shops like a wraith, not even looking at the merchandise as memories of the previous night ran through my head in a continuous, sick loop. Eventually I gave up and began a slow stroll back to the meeting point just as the sun disappeared behind a bank of grey cloud and the temperature dropped by ten degrees. In Santa Marita, the pavement, the trees, the air itself would have held onto the warmth so that it stayed wrapped around me like a cloak long after the sun vanished. Homesickness hit me like a punch to the stomach and I looked forward to my rendezvous with Henry and Finn, the only people in the world who might understand.
By the time I caught up with them, they were weighed down under shopping, Henry managing four bags and Finn appearing to have at least ten. I knew then that I wasn’t ready to go back. I wanted a few hours away from Albermarle Hall in the same way I craved company and normality when I finished a piece in Santa Marita.