The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead (57 page)

I caught a glimpse of the ragged bottom of a tattoo – a black sun. It was Vehron, or what was left of him. As I watched this bizarre spectacle, his flesh and bone started to regrow. A cold pit of fear appeared in my stomach and began to spread. He was still able to regenerate?! But how?

No fucking way. How the hell was I supposed to kill this…?

And that’s when his body exploded in a shower of ash.

For a second, I sat there, my eyes wide and staring – waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely it was a joke. Maybe he somehow had the power to disintegrate at will and then reform. What a mind-fuck that would be.

Nothing happened, though, save the dust rapidly settling to the floor where it mixed with the falling water to become a thick sludge – indistinguishable from the rest of the muck.

Holy crap, I killed him. I actually killed him!

Unable to help myself, I did the only sensible thing I could think of.

I laughed.

* * *

It took me a few moments to notice the sound escaping from my lips was much deeper than normal. Then realization hit – the abs, the claws, and now the manly voice. I’d somehow become Dr. Death again.

Panic immediately gripped me and I scrambled to my feet, ready to bolt.

Hold on. I’d meant to get to my feet. I looked down at my hands and willed the claws to retract. They did without hesitation, leaving large, but otherwise human-looking hands. I closed my fist, then opened it again. It obeyed, just like it normally did.

“I’m still me.”

“Yo, Bill, you still alive? I can’t see shit.”

Tom’s voice was muffled, but I heard it clear as day. Hell, I could hear a lot of things – his voice, every drop of water as it hit the ground, Christy’s breathing ... hell, the respiration of every being in the room.

It was almost too much to take in. Talk about sensory overload, and that wasn’t even counting the smells – oh God, even down to a little patch of mold off in one corner. I sensed it all.

I forced myself to focus. There’d be plenty of time to play Name that Stench later. For now, I needed to find my friend.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long. He was maybe twenty feet away, covered in grime and lying face down in a puddle.

I picked him up and cleaned him off as best I could.

“I did it, man. I killed that asshole,” I said.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“It’s me.”

“Newsflash, cock-face, that doesn’t narrow it down since I have no idea who you are.”

“It’s Bill, dipshit!”

“Bill? No way.”

“Yep. Somehow, I became ... well, my monster.”

“Prove you’re him. What was I doing when...?”

“Probably jerking off to hentai.”

“Wow. Good guess. Damn, bro. You look ripped.”

“Thanks. I work out.”

“Liar.”

“Fuck you, you dildo with...” I trailed off as I suddenly sensed movement from all around us. “Shit!”

“What?”

“Hold that thought.”

Even without my newfound ocular acuity, it would have been hard to miss the glow of orange eyes as the Jahabich broke formation and turned to face me.

“What happened?” a voice asked from beyond them.

“Where is The Destroyer?”

“Who is that?”

“What did you do with the Sun Strider?”

More voices began to speak – some questioning, but others starting to put two and two together. With Vehron dead, his compulsion had died with him. The whole room was waking back up.

Ripped though they might be, at least I was still wearing pants this time. I stuffed Tom into my back pocket and turned to face the group.

“Vehron is dead!” I shouted.

“Dead?”

“Impossible!”

“Who will lead us now?”

“Kill the murderer!”

Huh? That wasn’t quite the response I had hoped for.

I’d been betting on them maybe thanking me for freeing them or, at worst, just disbanding like Thulsa Doom’s followers after Conan gave him the last close shave of his life.

Regardless, the Jahabich didn’t need the coaxing of an angry crowd. Almost as one, they started to march toward me.

Seeing a living wall of angry rock advancing was a bit unnerving, even for someone who’d just stopped a guy who was all but unstoppable.

I took a step back as a shriek rent the air. The head of one of the Jahabich exploded in a mass of orange goo as a tiny fist erupted from it.

Its body dropped to the floor, revealing Gan, also now free from Vehron’s spell. She nimbly leapt over the creatures and raced to stand by my side, seeming – if anything – even smaller than normal.

She glanced up at me and smiled broadly. “You look ravishing, my love.” Aw gross! Talk about ruining my victory dance. “We shall fight together to the end.”

All of a sudden, I realized maybe I wasn’t as big on self-sacrifice as I’d been a few short minutes ago. I mean, how much of a downer would it be to finally kill Sauron, only to be finished off by some orcs?

Even so, the odds were against us. Gan’s suicide squad had killed many, but there was still a small army of Jahabich and vampires facing us – and many of those vamps looked to be both armed and well trained.

But maybe the odds didn’t need to be as stacked as they looked. After all, if it had worked for Vehron...

Of course, I made it a point to be a wee bit more specific.

“
FOLLOWERS OF IB, STAND DOWN!!
”

Whoa! I couldn’t believe the power that seemed to flow out of me. It felt like I could’ve compelled anyone to do anything. For a brief moment, I understood why the older vamps found it so appealing, so intoxicating.

And that’s why I realized how dangerous it was for me to ever acquire a taste for it.

Regardless, it worked – mostly. Once again, all the vampires in the room – save my friends this time – stopped what they were doing and became as statues. Sadly, the actual living statues lining up to attack us weren’t affected by it. However, their forces cut down by at least two-thirds and with Gan by my side, the odds seemed much more palatable.

There was still the question of what to do with the vamps once we were done pulverizing some gravel, but hopefully, inspiration would hit before then. For now, though, we had plenty of other things to hit.

“Follow me,” I said.

“Even to the gates of Hell, my darling.”

Ugh! I so needed to watch what I said to the little freak. First things first, though. Right now, it was too easy for us to be dogpiled. More space was the answer, especially if I could lead them away from where Christy still lay unconscious.

Thus, I ran straight at the orange-eyed devils and took a flying leap over their heads – way over their heads, as a matter of fact. Good thing the ceiling of this place was nice and high, otherwise, I’d have cold-cocked myself.

I landed and almost lost my footing on the slick floor. But just as I was about to fall, my toenails elongated into talons and caught hold. Neat trick. I’d have to remember that.

“What the fuck’s going on now?”

“Sorry, man,” I said to Tom. Fuck this. It was too dangerous for him to be there with me. All a Jahabich needed to do was take a swipe at my ass. “Make that double sorry.” I pulled him out of my pocket and tossed him toward a far corner of the room where there didn’t seem to be any fighting or bedazzled vamps standing around.

“Fucking asshole!” he yelled, sailing off into the distance.

I turned to face the monsters just as Gan made a similar, if much more nimble, leap over them. She landed as gracefully as a gazelle – fucking little show off.

“Let’s do this.”

Just as the words left my mouth, the water from the sprinkler system began to slake – turning from a torrent to a drizzle and then just a few residual drops.

It was about fucking time. Now who...?

“Dr. Death, your whore.” Gan pointed in the direction of the double doors leading to the rest of the complex.

In the chaos of battle, I hadn’t given much thought to my friends – save to hope they’d managed to find a quiet corner to ride things out in. With Vehron’s compulsion in place and everyone on a time out, it had seemed safe enough, but now I needed to remember that had all changed.

Amazingly enough, Sally was stepping back in. Had she been the one to shut off the fire system? How the fuck would she even have known where it was?

Oh well, no matter. Hopefully, the others weren’t far behind. I doubted she’d forget about them in the middle of...

Hold on.
Forget
? Holy shit, some days, I am so fucking stupid I’m surprised I remember to breathe. The Jahabich were almost upon us, but I needed to try. I didn’t know when or if I’d get another chance.

Besides, she was worth it.

“
SALLY, REMEMBER EVERYTHING!! PLEASE!!
”

My last compulsion had been frightfully powerful, but had been widely dispersed. This one, with its laser-like focus, made me feel like I was the Death Star and she Alderaan. It was hard to explain, but I could sense the wave of power as it traversed the room and hit her straight on.

Sally screamed as her head snapped back from the force of it. She went down like a ton of bricks.

Sadly, I wasn’t afforded the luxury of checking on her right then, as our enemy was upon us. A massive clubbed arm swung at me as I was still distracted, slamming into my face.

Hmm, it split my lip, but that was all. Such a blow would have taken me out of the battle before, but now – now it felt like being in a schoolyard slap-fight.

I returned the favor, taking the creature’s head right off its wide shoulders.

Hah! If that was how this fight was going to be, then I probably should’ve tied one arm behind my back to make it almost fair.

Nah!

As Gan bounded around, looking like an extra from
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
, I waded into the brunt of the monsters, let them surround me, and then tore the fuckers to pieces. Limbs, teeth, bits of things that I couldn’t identify – they all went flying in every direction. So this was what being a human sledgehammer felt like.

Each time I took one down, I got splattered with more of their gooey insides. Gross, but harmless as long as they didn’t kill me and, sadly for them, I’d already decided that maybe I wanted to live after all.

I was gonna tear these fuckers apart one at a...

“Bill?”

I turned my head, slapping aside a Jahabich who I heard step in to take advantage of my distraction. Oh yeah, eat your heart out, Daredevil.

It was Sally, and she was awake. She was still a bit dazed, looking like she’d just taken a baseball bat upside the head, but she was back on her feet.

I didn’t care to leave Gan alone against these monsters, but she appeared to be more than holding her own against their dwindling numbers. Fuck it. My partner needed me.

Time appeared to slow down for a second, but I knew it was just me accelerating across the room at a speed that would have normally been impossible. Sally’s eyes opened wide in surprise as I stopped in front of her, probably appearing as if I’d just teleported.

She looked up at me, more so than usual, and took a step back – uncertainty and a little fear showing on her face.

“It’s okay, it’s me,” I said.

“How do I know that?”

“Want to take another tumble and I’ll show you how much better things are when I’m in the driver’s seat?”

I fully expected to be decked for the comment, but instead, she remained serious. Had my compulsion failed? The old Sally wouldn’t have hesitated to make some crack about...

“I remember.” She looked into my eyes. “I remember everything.”

“How we met? Jeff? The Woods of Mourning...”

“Yeah, yeah, all of it,” she said, averting her gaze and looking down at the floor.

I’d done it. Holy shit, I’d actually done it!

A wave of euphoria spread inside me – happiness that I hadn’t known in what felt like forever. Everything else seemed secondary in that moment. The only thing that mattered right then was that Sally was back.

I raised my head and let loose with a whoop of joy, probably sounding like a total idiot, but not giving a single fuck.

So enthralled was I, that it took me by surprise when she looked up again and gasped. I was about to ask what was the matter when I realized something had changed.

It took me a moment to figure it out, but then it hit me. She looked normal again – well, not her so much as the height she typically was compared to me.

That’s when a feeling of – I don’t know how else to describe it –
deflating
hit me. It was like exhaling an impossibly long breath, except that it wasn’t coming from my lungs.

After a moment or two, I looked down at myself. Where there had been abs, now there was flab. I watched in amazement as my hands shrunk – turning from big-ass enemy clubbing mitts back to stubby fingers meant more for programming SQL subroutines.

That was weird enough, but then I realized my pants – stretched out from my abrupt growth spurt – were now in danger of falling off. Crap! I quickly grabbed hold and hitched them back up, lest I end up celebrating our triumph with my ass on display for all to see.

There was no denying what had happened. I was me again.

I glanced back at Sally and grinned sheepishly. At least she was still in focus – apparently a welcome side effect of my transformation. I didn’t know how long it would last, but it was nice to be able to see her without the benefit of lenses.

She met my gaze, but where I expected an eye-roll or perhaps a snarky comment on my appearance, I was instead surprised when she simply said, “I’m so sorry, Bill.”

Before I could question what she meant, the doors burst open and a sea of armed soldiers charged in, guns ablaze.

While I stood there gaping like an idiot, Sally grabbed me and threw me to the side. At first, I thought she was attacking me, but then I realized it was only to move me out of the way.

The newcomers immediately opened fire on the vampires standing about, still under the spell of my compulsion.

The poor schmucks never stood a chance. Heads and chests exploded in sprays of blood, followed by streaks of light as their owners exploded into ash.