The Torn Up Marriage (19 page)

And memories had stirred within him from a long time ago, there in the safety of her arms, of a time when love was easy, undoubted. He felt odd – maybe his emotions were just running high, here at the hospital, his mother just diagnosed with cancer. He was just feeling vulnerable, that was it. He hadn’t felt he could bring Sophie here. It wouldn’t have been right. George and Dorothy hadn’t exactly welcomed her with open arms, the one time he’d taken her to visit them at home. They’d conceded on a cup of coffee. Not that they were rude or anything, it was more that the atmosphere was cool, the conversation stilted and over-polite. And the expression on his father’s face said it all; they weren’t happy with what Michael had done. They were from a world where marriage was for life, even when couples weren’t particularly happy – you just got on with it. And Michael knew that, in their eyes, he had let them down. It made him feel all the more nervous approaching his mother’s ward. His mobile beeped again, probably Sophie. He ignored it.

Kate sat on the back step enjoying the lingering warmth of late-afternoon September sun, the same step where she had hugged herself on that cold April evening when her world had fallen apart and Michael had confessed to his affair. Months had passed and she felt so very different from that time, from the girl she was before all this. Though life still wasn’t easy, she found contentment sitting there listening to the twitter of the birds, in the delicate beauty, the scent, of a peach-pink rose in late bloom beside her.

She so hoped Dorothy would be alright. However positive they all were, you never really knew until months, years on; you were always “in remission”, never totally cured from the curse that was cancer. There was no certainty. But then, was anything ever certain in life? You could step out and be run over by a bus tomorrow, you could fall in love, conceive a child, or your husband might leave you. You just had to make the best of it, whatever life threw at you (though Kate felt as if she had recently been put in the stocks!)

But there had to be something positive, something beautiful to latch on to, and for her it had been her children, their sunny faces, their hugs, and her friends, especially Mel. Also her family, her parents and Michael’s, just thinking about them all warmed her more than the autumn sun.

A horn honked from the road out front. The girls. They’d be back with Mel. Life went on. There’d be supper to make; something simple tonight. She knew there were chicken dippers and chips in the freezer, some peas (goodness – wouldn’t Jamie Oliver be upset). But there, she’d had a heavy day, what with the hospital visit, seeing Michael there. She had begun to cook properly again for herself and the girls these past few weeks, but one night on freezer food wouldn’t hurt.

Kate went in, leaving her half-finished mug of tea on the kitchen side, and headed for the front door. The girls poured in as soon as she opened it, followed closely by Mel’s youngest, Jack, scampering straight through with a casual “Hi, Mum” on their way to the back garden.

She smiled at Mel, “Thanks for having them. Do you want a coffee?” Kate hoped she would stay a while. She felt like some company.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” Mel placed a hand on Kate’s shoulder, “How was she?”

“Oh, not too bad. Been through the mill, though, poor love. But she was trying to be upbeat about it all, and the doctors seem to think they have caught it early.”

“Good. Well, that sounds promising, at least.”

They were in the kitchen, sounds of children’s laughter, life-affirming, from out the back. Kate filled the kettle.

“I saw Michael there.” The words seemed significant.

“Oh, how’s he taken it?”

“Not great. He seemed in shock, to be honest. Only to be expected, really.”

“Well, I can’t imagine how awful it would be to learn that one of your parents has cancer. It’s one of your worst nightmares.”

“Yes.”

“Was he there with the poisoned one?” Mel had renamed Sophie a while ago, in defence of her friend. It made Kate smile.

“No, no, she wasn’t with him.”

“Ah. How was he with you? Was it awkward? Did you speak?”

“We met in the car park, just by chance, as I was leaving.” Kate got out the cafetière; hadn’t used it in months. A real coffee might be nice. “It was okay, actually. Fine. I just asked him how he was.” She was on the verge of telling Mel about their hug, that moment of closeness, but it felt too personal and might make it more significant than it really was, somehow. So she held back and scooped out fragrant ground coffee. “He seemed okay, just a bit low.”

“Yeah, it’ll be tough for them all.”

The talk drifted to the girls, Rebecca, Jack, and what they’d been up to at school, about family life, the barbecue at Mel’s that weekend in the summer holidays.

“Look, I hope you didn’t think I was being hard on you then, Kate. About the drinking thing. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to over-criticise or make things awkward for you. I was just…”

“It’s okay, honest.” It was probably the kick up the bum she’d needed.

“I just didn’t want you to get drawn into that spiral. I’ve been there myself, years ago now. And it’s not good.”

“Oh, right.” She hadn’t realised that Mel had ever had any drinking issues. “So you’re okay now, you got through it okay?”

“Yep, yeah all fine now, but I got pretty bad. It was after I found out about my boyfriend and best friend. I took it pretty hard. It was my sister pulled me back, got me to go to the doctors. I didn’t drink for two whole years after that.”

“Yeah, that must have been tough. I can see how you’d want to warn me. Thank you.”

“I was just worried.”

“Well, it’s all in control, and I have cut back. I feel better for it, to be honest. I’m fine, really.”

“Great, well done. And if it ever gets tricky again, you know where I am.”

“Yeah, and thanks again for the barbecue that day. I had a good time. In fact, it’s Em’s birthday coming up soon, I was wondering about doing something like a buffet, sort of open house, just a few friends, nothing over the top, some little ones for Em, then family, the grandparents.” Kate poured out the coffee, splashed in milk, then passed a mug to Mel. “It might give Dorothy something to look forward to. And I haven’t done anything socially here for ages, maybe it’s time I did. Perhaps not a barbecue, though, it’ll be early October. That’d be a bit hopeful weather-wise, wouldn’t it? But a buffet and open up the garden for the kids to play, if it’s fine. What do you think?”

“I think it’s a great idea. And Emily will love it.” Mel glanced at her. She was pleased Kate seemed so much brighter of late. “Would you ask Michael?”

“Well yes, I think I’d have to. Em would want him there. I’m sure I could manage for an hour or so.” As long as he didn’t bring
her
. And it had been okay, meeting up today. She still felt the warmth from that hug. The least she could do was support him at the moment, not make life more difficult. “Yes, I’d invite Michael. I think arranging a party will give me some focus, keep me busy. I’ve been drifting about for far too long.”

Kate motioned to the garden, they took their coffees outside and sat on some faded wooden garden chairs. Michael usually re-stained them every spring. It hadn’t happened this year. They watched the children making laps of the garden, playing tag.

“Actually, I’m thinking of going back to work.” It was something that had been milling around in her mind for a couple of weeks. Emily had just started the two full days at nursery, as well as two other mornings, which gave Kate loads of free time – too much free time.

“That sounds like a good idea. I really enjoy my two days at the building society.”

“Yes, I’d only want to do part time to start. I’d still want to be with the girls as much as I can, and I’d have to juggle the school holidays.”

“Well, you know I’d always help out on the days I’m off.”

“Thanks. I just feel I need to start earning some of my own money. Get a bit more independent.” It had been bothering her for a while. “Michael’s been really generous and kept up with supporting us all, but I don’t know how long I can really rely on that. He’d have to continue supporting the girls, for sure. But, well, who the hell knows what’ll happen in the future? If Sophie wants to settle down…” God, what a thought? She didn’t want to say it, or even think of it, that they might have their own family, get married at some point. It hurt. But yes, she might have to face that. She needed to find her own life now. She sighed.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, just thinking a bit too much then… But I need to be realistic, too.”

“Well, I think you are being wise. And brave. And I think working again will be really good for you. You worked in the bank before, didn’t you? Some kind of manager role? Impressive.”

It seemed another life, BM – Before Motherhood – her official title had been Small Business Manager, in a time when she could waltz into a meeting and hold her own, give advice, talk cash flows, balance sheets and agree loans to all kinds of companies. How the hell hadn’t it fazed her back then? Did she really think she could just walk back into it? Jeez, she’d be a lump of jelly now. “I was in the bank, giving business advice, yeah.”

“Do you think you’d go back to that?”

“Maybe, but it scares me a bit, to be honest. I might need to brush up on the old skills, and it’s probably all moved on now.” Could she do it,
really
? “And I don’t know if they’d even consider a part-time role for me, but maybe I should ask, you never know.” She’d always got on well with Mr Watson, the branch manager in the town. It was worth asking if there might be anything, even if the thought of it scared her shitless at this precise moment in time.

There must be other options, too, but what else could she do? She’d done a few casual student jobs whilst at uni: waitressing, some shop work. But God! That was years ago. She wouldn’t know where to start.

Kate was ushered through to Mr Watson’s office, past the coded security door, the bullet- proof glass. Magnolia walls, shelves stacked neatly with banking manuals, metal filing cabinets, a sepia photo of Alnwick at the turn of the century, the framed Customer Service Award they had won for five years running – Kate had been involved with the campaign to win the first one. On his desk, a picture of his wife and two girls, taken years ago, a family in their heyday, captured in sunny smiles and smock dresses. The objects in the room all familiar to Kate, nothing much had changed since she worked there over three years ago, and yet so much had changed within her. Her working world had narrowed to the school run, housework and managing the utility bills. Her self-confidence slumped as she sat there. She began to wonder why, in fact, she was here, how she’d ever imagined she might be able to work here again.

“Ah, Kate,” her silver-haired former boss stood up from his desk, smiling, “How lovely to see you.” He extended his hand affectionately. “Here on a social visit? Popping in to see the old place? How’s the family?”

Had he not heard?
Maybe he didn’t know about Michael leaving her. She thought the whole town must know. But now didn’t seem quite the time to enlighten him.

“Umn, well not purely social, much as it’s lovely to see everyone again.” Mrs McKee, the chief cashier had greeted her with a kiss and a hug, and Barbara, Mr Watson’s PA was all smiles and chatter as she led her to his office. It had taken all her nerve to phone up and make an appointment, walk in over that stone threshold that she’d once trodden on a daily basis, yet the welcome had been lovely. “Actually, I’m here on a more professional footing, I was wondering if there might be any work available?” She felt a bit of a fraud,
professional
, my ass! She’d slipped away into the world of housewife and mother and felt she’d got lost there. She smiled and brazened on, “It’s just that Emily’s at nursery, and I have more time, and I feel more than ready to get back into work again.”
Willing
probably more realistic than
ready
, she mused. “And I always so enjoyed working here.”

“Aah,” he stroked his chin thoughtfully. His blue-grey eyes considered her kindly, “Well now,” he paused.

“To be honest, I couldn’t take on a full-time role, not straight away, anyhow,” she clarified, “It was more part time or a job share I was interested in. I know it’s a small office, but…?” her words hung hopefully.

“Well Kate, there’s really nothing at this moment in time. I’m sorry I can’t help you more, as you were always first rate as a member of staff. We worked well as a team when you were here, didn’t we?” he smiled, “But of course, we have your replacement, Anthony, who’s been here a good few years, now, and there’s no other role available. As you say, it is a small office.”

“Oh, yes, I see.” She tried to quell the disappointment in her voice. “Well, I felt it was worth asking, just in case.”

“Oh certainly, and now I know how you are thinking, well it’s not to say there won’t be a position coming up in the future. If the staff situation changes, I will certainly bear you in mind.”

“Thank you.”

“Would you like a coffee or tea whilst you are here? I’m sorry I should have offered you one before.”

“No, no it’s okay. I have to get on. Lots to do today.” She was hoping to fit in another visit to Dorothy, as Em was still at nursery this afternoon.

“And how are those gorgeous little girls of yours?”

“Fine, they’re well. Growing up fast.” She smiled, picturing them.

“Yes, don’t they just? Mine are 28 and 23 now.” His eyes were drawn to the photo on his desk. “Hard to believe, really. And I’m a grandfather; Ellen had a little boy back in March.”

“Oh, that’s lovely news. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I’m enjoying it, being a Grandad. Somehow easier the second time around. You can have all the fun times, then you get to hand them back,” he grinned.

“Yes, I can see how that would be nice. Well, thank you for seeing me.” She rose to leave.

“Thank you for coming in, Kate. It’s always a pleasure to see you. And I will keep you in mind should anything change. It would be nice to think that one day I might have the pleasure of working with you once more.” He shook her hand warmly.

She left with a small glimmer of hope. She’d definitely need some retraining, those banking exams she’d taken were years ago now, and she would probably have to think about taking on another job in the meanwhile, as there were no guarantees that anything would come up, but his confidence in her seemed to shore her up. She walked out of the building with a small bounce in her step. If her one-time manager still believed in her, surely it was time to start believing in herself again.