"And I was thinking about having children with you," I said, more than a little appalled, and he laughed in turn, which was really nice to hear. The past couple of days have been hard for him to handle.
"It will be difficult to deflect Sentarestel from you," he said. "But it is possible, particularly if we locate a stable family for the three of them, satisfying her primary aim. We need to decide soon whether we want that, to limit the uncertainty they're experiencing."
He was looking ahead, one of his typical gazing-off-into-the-distance with Sight expressions, except this time his eyes were fixed on three kids. I am still learning so much about him.
"Are you saying you want to adopt them?"
"I am saying I intend to teach those two not to hold themselves as if they had no worth," Kaoren said, with all the distaste someone raised in a mostly-meritocracy could manage. "There are a number of ways we can approach that."
"But–" It was such a completely unexpected thing for him to want to do. Especially given the whole busy-saving-the-universe thing. Not to mention the huge dint it would put in our sex life.
There's no way to make a decision like that in a moment, so instead I asked Kaoren why he thought they behaved so differently toward us.
"I suspect they class all non-Nurans as outside the hierarchy," he said. "You also told them your name was 'Cass', which matches the name form of the Houseless." He touched my arm reassuringly. "As I said, there are a number of ways to see about their future. The construction of the school gives us time to decide which one we prefer."
Of course, he would never have raised the idea at all if he hadn't already worked out what he wanted. I still don't know how to respond. Despite Sen being a cute little monster in the making, and how much I want to give Ys and Rye reasons to never stand like that again, I just can't picture myself playing Mum. I'm eighteen! I have years of gallivanting and sleeping till midday to go yet! And I don't see how we can work it, not when our lives aren't really our own, and we have so little time to ourselves already.
Kaoren, being ever-efficient, had not only asked Sonn to move rooms before we managed to walk back to Setari quarters, he'd sent a technician to make a doorway from our lounge into the bedroom of the next apartment – something which only took about ten minutes to do. So now we have a bedroom for the kids and a bedroom for us and two lounges and bathrooms.
Along with being extremely suspicious of me, the interface injections and a long afternoon out in the sun meant the kids just wanted to lie down. Which, after Kaoren oversaw food and baths, left me free for an evening ping-ponging between thinking I'm a selfish bitch, resenting the hell out of Kaoren for suddenly deciding he wanted this, and wondering if he was doing this because I'd spent the afternoon fretfully trying to spot three faces in a crowd.
The problem is I think I want to do it. I just don't know if I should.
This morning my head had stopped being on permanent spin-cycle long enough for me to decide I needed to talk to Mara, so while Kaoren took his squad out for some serious catch-up training, I dragged my three subdued charges to medical, where I knew there would be at least one spare greysuit in the Setari medical section who could check them over more thoroughly than the basic glance the medics were giving each Nuran yesterday.
Mara was sitting up, very frustrated at not being allowed to move about, and in the process of sending Lohn off to get a proper rest. Once I was sure she'd recovered enough to be bored, I explained as best I could about Ys, Rye and Sen.
"Do you think KOTIS Command would let us do?"
"It's possible." She sounded dubious. "If the youngest truly is a strong Sight Sight talent, it makes a certain kind of sense. But – are you certain you're not simply finding them a useful distraction?"
"Distract how?"
"I've listened to the explanation of what a touchstone is, and the suggestion that one was involved in the Breaking. Are you focusing on these children because it's easier than examining that possibility?"
I went hot, then felt a little angry, and shook my head. "They're definitely
distracting
, guess. But I would be just as tangled even if Korinal hadn't said. And–" I shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't particularly like idea being plugged into machine, and don't want think about, but kids not help me cope with that any better. I just – I keep telling myself more sensible find someone else do this, but if I did, how could be sure they okay?"
She studied my expression, then made an equivocal gesture. "I don't see an ideal choice here. Given the last few weeks, even sending them to Tare might not necessarily be a safe option. But you are far from a stable–"
We were interrupted by the greysuit – Ista Temen – who'd been examining the kids.
"Interface developing within normal guidelines," she said, crisply. "Generally healthy, with no immediate issues. Exceptional talent set for the younger girl, but only above-average potential for the others." She paused, looking mildly offended, then added: "The older two have scarring indicating repeated beating with some kind of cord. No sign of such treatment on the younger. I can schedule cosmetic work to remove the scarring, but there is a considerable backlog of procedures building."
I shook my head. "Only if they ask for," I said, and thanked Ista Temen for fitting the kids in, asking if I could at least use icepacks to help with their headaches – and you can, which makes me feel really ill-treated for my own interface ordeals.
"You weren't surprised by that at all," Mara said when we were alone.
"They don't trust anyone," I explained. "You haven't seen how–" I stopped. I mightn't have been surprised, but I found it hard all the same, and had to wipe at my face so it wouldn't show when Ista Temen brought the kids. Mara reached out and squeezed my hand encouragingly. She clearly doesn't think adopting Nuran orphans is a good idea, but she quite understands being upset about them.
The three wan children who filed into Mara's little observation room had plainly enjoyed medical exams even less than I do, but even Ys could barely summon the energy to glare at me. Their interface headaches are shifting from background pain to major concern, and tomorrow is likely to be rough.
When I took them back upstairs they retreated into the second lounge room, to turn over the small selection of picture books and pencils which had been tucked in the bottom of the Kolaren care packages they'd been issued. They seem to be enjoying that, but also restless. I think I'll see if we're allowed out for a walk.
This Kimirenar isn't among the names of Nurans rescued, but there may be other people from that House, and I feel like yelling, and hiding, and argh.
Saturday, August 23
Assemble family
Dreadful night. The kids' headaches had fully kicked in by dinner, their interface installation progressing faster than mine – apparently the older you are the longer it takes. Sen became incredibly clingy, wanting to be held all the time but also to be kept as still and dark as possible, and she wouldn't stay resting anywhere but my lap. Ys and Rye, once they'd given up trying to coax Sen to stay with them, just lay limply on their bed, hurting too much to sleep but too exhausted to do anything but try.
Sen finally dropped off and Kaoren and I left her on our bed and sat together on our couch, half-heartedly debating one of us sleeping while the other sat up. I ended up reading some more of my diary to him over a private channel – describing past-me just recovered from her own headache and released from KOTIS – but there was a part coming up (about Sean J) which I didn't want to read out, and I'm sure Kaoren sensed that I was all over the place still emotionally – tired, worried, and underneath it all feeling put-upon and resentful.
He took my hand while I was hesitating at the beginning of the next entry and said in-channel: "I was too efficient."
That was a seriously unusual thing for him to say – being efficient is one of Kaoren's basic drives. "About?"
"These arrangements." He nodded at the doorway leading to the kids' bedroom. "I could see that you were reacting to them in much the same way as I, but I progressed through the tolerable responses before you did."
He has the funniest way of apologising, and I had to hug him. "Maybe just a bit. I certainly wouldn't hold my hand up to adopt if someone ask. I just, I can't stand idea of sending them off and not be sure they're treated way I want them treated. So, I guess caught up with you. I don't feel equal to be someone's...parent, but that doesn't mean don't want to try. But I'm – something Mara said to me today, asking me if I was trying distract myself from what Korinal said about touchstones. I don't think I am, but all that – I'm all over place because I do want to be involved, but how can I if so dangerous? Or so in danger?"
He didn't answer right away, then lifted one hand, long fingers apart, giving me a chance to remind myself how much I like his hands. Then a curving spur of Light sprang out of his arm, making me jump.
"We're all dangerous, Cassandra. And we're all in danger. You are too strong to be paralysed by what
might
happen."
He looked like he was going to say more, but abruptly frowned at the darkened doorway into the kids' apartment. We got up to investigate, and found Ys and Rye in the bathroom piling their sheets and blanket into the bath. Ys had thrown up all over herself and the bed, and I hated, hated, hated how she and Rye went still and stood eyes fixed on their feet when we showed up. Waiting.
Kaoren, of course, just told them to leave the sheets and put Ys in the shower with the water nice and warm to wash the vomit off, then took Rye off to the other bathroom so he could use that shower, telling me he'd bring some clothes back. Ys was in bad shape, exhausted and scared and shaking. I couldn't think of a single thing to say to her, so as soon as she was a little cleaner I got in the shower with her, sat down and pulled her onto my lap, ignoring her attempts to get free. She stopped poking her elbows into my ribs eventually and just leaned limply against my chest.
Kaoren came back and left some clothes (my lab rat nightshirt for Ys, heh), telling me that occasionally the interface install does cause nausea, but that it was usually a sign that it was coming to an end, and that he was going to get some clean sheets.
Rye had fallen asleep on the couch by the time I was done making sure Ys was properly clean and dry, and Kaoren had finished fixing the bed (fortunately it's pretty impossible to soil a nanotech mattress), so we settled them both back in their room, and brought Sen in to join them. Kaoren and I sat on the side of the bed, and I held Ys' hand until she finally fell asleep. She was too tired to resent me for it.
I was totally wiped myself by the time I could curl up with Kaoren. Since he has circles under his eyes, I guess he only let himself have a few hours sleep, but the rest of us were out of it until nearly midday, when Sen woke us all up with the wonderful discovery of a floating dot in the centre of all the rooms. Since none of them can read (and Sen is so young) they're going to have a very different learning curve with the interface, but it was fun to show them the room controls – Sen adores turning lights on and off – and after Kaoren and I brought them back from the medical section they spent the afternoon mesmerised by the wall display when I set it on random scenery and pictures.
Imagine an entire
room
as your first experience of television.
Tomorrow Kaoren and I have assignments scheduled, but he had with typical efficiency already cleared the initial hurdles with KOTIS Command – and even arranged babysitting – so after dinner we sat the kids down on the couch for Serious Talk time.
They made a curious set, all three wearing clothing sent from Kolar – shirts and long, loose pants of a light, off-white 'cotton'. Sen was calmly cheerful, her thick hair neatly braided thanks to Ys. Ys on her left had barely bothered with her own short hair, and her jaw was set with a determination not to give anything away. Rye, just a fraction shorter than Ys, had tried but failed to tame his riot of curls, and kept lifting anxious eyes and then dropping them.
"Tomorrow Cassandra and I will both be away," Kaoren said. "We work for the organisation which is in charge of resettling Muina and dealing with Ionoth, and it is only on occasional days that we will not both be called away for part of the time. For the next few days, when we're away you will be supervised by colleagues of ours, and after that the new school should be ready."
He gave them a moment's study, then added: "We've seen how important it is to you three not to be separated, and in order to ensure that, Cassandra and I have asked permission to continue to care for you. You will attend the school while we work, but return to us when our work is done each day."
Rye's response was the strongest, his head jerking up, eyes wide and disbelieving as he looked from Kaoren's face to mine, and then he dropped them again and took a breath so deep he almost bounced in his seat. Ys, through sheer force of willpower, managed not to react, but looked across at Sen. She still hasn't uttered a word in our presence and makes absolutely clear that she hates how Sen has attached herself to us, but she definitely wasn't going to object to not being separated from Sen. And that self-same little imp was chirpily pleased at how easy it was to pull our strings.
My turn to speak, and I just wanted to hug all three, but knew not to overwhelm them. "Because we've listed this as your residence, doors will open to you," I said. "You can go outside on hill, or down into main room of building if you want, but don't go away from building unaccompanied. When we're away, if something happens that you need talk to us about, you can contact us using the interface."
I created a shared space which showed all the basic interface tools which were currently available to them, which at their stage were some very simple pictorial icons – one for school, one for games, and one for age-appropriate news and entertainment programs. Then I created some new icons for them – ones representing me, Kaoren, and each of the other children – which would change colour depending on our status (out of range, busy, not busy, asleep) – and had them try opening a channel to us and talking over the interface. It was too funny the way Rye jerked upright, mouth a perfect circle of astonishment, when Sen managed to talk to him in his head.