The Toyminator (15 page)

“He’s not for sale,” said Jack. “He has, er, sentimental value.”

“Eh?” said Eddie, once again.

“Shush,” said Jack to Eddie.

The ragged man knelt down before Eddie. “Cute little critter, ain’t he?” he said. “Though real ragged and he don’t smell too good.”

“That’s good, coming from
you
,” said Eddie, shielding his nostrils.

“Darnedest thing.” And the ragged fellow rose and did another dance.

“Well, nice as it was to meet you,” said Jack, “and sorry as we are about eating your breakfast, being unaccustomed to, er, trashcan protocol in this vicinity –”

“Eh?” now went the ragged man.

“We must be moving along,” said Jack. “We’re –”

“Carny folk,” said the ragged man. “Don’t tell me, let me guess from your accent. English, is it? Carny man from England, I’ll bet.”

“English carny man?” said Jack slowly.

“Here with the circus. I’ll bet this is one big midway attraction.”

“That’s right,” said Jack. “And we, er,
I’m
an English carny man and I should be on my way.”

“Can’t let you do that, buddy.”

“Sorry,” said Jack, “but I must.”

“Nope. I can’t let you do that.” And from a ragged pocket the ragged fellow pulled a knife. And it was a big one and it looked sharp.

“Now see here,” said Jack, which is what folk always say first under such circumstances.

“You ate my breakfast – you owe me, buddy. I’ll take your furry thing here in payment.”

“No,” Jack said. “You will not.”

The knife was suddenly very near Jack. What sunlight the alleyway gathered fell on its polished blade.

“You don’t really want to do that,” Jack said, which is another thing folk say in such circumstances – the brave, tough ones, anyway.

“Don’t I really?” The gnarled hand flicked the blade before Jack’s eyes.

“No,” said Jack, “you don’t. Because if you do not put that knife away at once, I will have no option other than to blow your balls off.”

“Jack, really,” said Eddie.

The ragged man did wild-eyed glancings downwards.

Jack held a pistol, aimed at the ragged man’s groin.

“Now what the Hell do you call
that
?”

“It’s a gun,” said Jack. “Perhaps you’ve not seen one before.”

“I’ve seen plenty o’ guns, fella, but that ain’t a real one – that one’s a toy.”

“It will cause you considerable damage at this close range,” said Jack.

“Oh yeah? What’s it gonna do, hit me with a little flag with ‘BANG’ written on it?”

“It does
this
,” said Jack, and he aimed the gun into the air and pulled the trigger.

And nothing happened.

Jack squeezed the trigger once more and then once again. Nothing else happened either.

“That’s odd,” said Jack, examining the pistol.

“Ain’t it just!” And the knife’s blade flashed once more before Jack’s face. “Hand me the puppet or I’ll cut ya deep.”

“But you don’t understand –”

“I understand
this
.” And the knife went up. And the knife went down. And the knife fell into the alleyway. And the wild eyes of the biblical figure crossed and then they closed and the figure fell to the ground.

Eddie Bear stood on the dustbin, holding between his paws the dustbin lid.

“Nice shot,” said Jack. “Right on the back of his head.”

“His conversation tired me,” said Eddie. “What a most unpleasant man.”

Jack took the lid and helped Eddie down. Eddie went over and bit the ragged man on the nose.

Jack said, “Don’t do that.”

“I think we had best be on our way,” said Eddie. “I’ll just bet they have policemen in this city too and I don’t think I want to meet them.”

Jack shook his pistol about. “This is really odd,” he said. “First the wristwatch, now this pistol. I wonder.” Jack pulled a grenade from his pocket and removed the pin.

“No, not
here
,” said Eddie.

“I just want to test a proposition.” Jack hurled the grenade and ducked. And Jack counted, too, up to twenty.

“Doesn’t work,” said Jack. And he pulled out his remaining weaponry from his pockets and tested it, too. And none of that worked either.

“This I find worrying,” Jack said, and Eddie agreed.

Eddie tested the gun that he had, and as this didn’t work either he tossed it away. “We’ll be in trouble when we finally track down our other selves,” he said. Miserably.

“Well,” said Jack, “looking on the bright side once again, given that amazing automobile we saw, I’ll just bet they have some really amazing weapons here.”

“Well, that we already know,” said Eddie. “Don’t we? The death rays and everything.”

“If they come from here,” said Jack. “Perhaps they came from Chicken World.”

The ragged man made moaning sounds.

“Time to go,” said Eddie.

They reached the end of the alleyway and looked out at the world beyond, the world of men. And men were moving now, out and about on Hollywood Boulevard. Well-dressed men and women, too. The men wore fedoras and double-breasted wide-shouldered suits. The women wore colourful dresses; they looked most appealing to Jack.

“Now, Eddie,” said Jack to the bear, “I don’t want you to take offence at this, but I think it would be better if I carried you. It would appear that in these parts talking bears are the exception rather than the rule.”

“I’d gathered that,” said Eddie. “I’m not stupid, you know. I’m as intelligent as.”

“Then if you’ll pardon me,” said Jack, “I’ll carry you, Mister Bear.”

And so Jack carried Eddie along the boulevard.

And what Jack saw he marvelled at. And not without good cause. The bright storefronts displayed wondrous things, things all new to Jack, although not perhaps new – different, maybe.

There were electrical stores, their windows filled with radio sets and televisions and record players and washing machines, but all of a style unknown to Jack, as were the garments in the clothes stores. Jack lingered long before a trenchcoat shop. Eddie urged him on.

“Low profile,” whispered Jack. “Please behave yourself.”

And soon Jack stood before Mann’s.
[24]

Jack looked up in awe beyond awe.

Then Jack looked down at the pavement.

“Handprints,” he said to Eddie, and he set the bear down and he gazed upon them. “Clark Gable,” whispered Jack. “Shirley Temple, the Marx Brothers – I wonder what this is all about.”

“They’re movie stars, of course.” The voice was the sweetest of voices, and it issued from the sweetest of lips.

Jack looked up at the speaker. A pretty girl looked down.

She wore a colourful dress that reached to her knees, beneath which rather shapely legs reached down to elegant shoes.

Jack’s eyes lingered on these legs before moving up, with some deliberation, to view the pretty face of the speaker. It was that of a flame-haired beauty with stunning green eyes. A girl who was roughly Jack’s age.

“Movie stars?” said Jack.

“Of course. What did you think they were?”

Jack rose slowly to his feet. He did not possess the nose of Eddie, but this girl smelled beautiful and Jack drew in her fragrance.

“You’re sniffing me,” said the pretty girl. “I don’t think that’s very nice.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Jack. “If I was rude, will you please forgive me?”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re funny.”

“Am I … I …”

“My name is Dorothy,” said Dorothy. “I’m from Kansas. Where are you from?”

“England?” Jack suggested.

“I knew it,” said Dorothy. “I recognised your accent at once. England is so romantic. Do you know the Queen?”

“Oh yes,” said Jack. “Very well.”

“And do you wear a bowler hat and take your tea at three?”

“Every day,” said Jack. “With the Queen, naturally.”

Eddie made a growling noise.

Dorothy looked down. “What a sweet little bear,” she said. “Is it yours?”

“Mine,” said Jack. “His name is Eddie.”

“Eddie Bear, how cute. Might I pick him up and give him a cuddle?”

“I wouldn’t advise it,” said Jack. “He’s a bit smelly.”

“You’re a bit smelly, too,” said Dorothy. “You smell of poo.”

“An unfortunate incident,” said Jack, “but in the line of business. My name is Jack, by the way, and I’m a detective.”

“A detective, how exciting.” And Dorothy put out her hand and Jack most gently shook it.

“I’m an actress,” said Dorothy. “Or will be, as soon as I’m discovered.”

“Discovered?” Jack asked.

“By an agent. I’ve got my publicity shots, and I’ve been around to lots of agents, but they’re not very nice. They want you to do …
things
.” Dorothy cast down her eyes.

Jack felt he could imagine what things. “And so these are the handprints of famous movie stars?” he said.

“Yes,” said Dorothy. “And mine will be here one day. Once I’m discovered.”

“You’re a very beautiful girl,” said Jack. “I’m sure someone will discover you soon.”

“I hope so. I don’t like what I’m doing now.”

“What, talking to me?”

“No, I have to work as a kitchen maid in the hotel just up the road. The Roosevelt.”

“Ah,” said Jack.

“It’s very hard work, but at least it allows me to do a bit of good.”

“In the kitchen?”

“Well, not really in the kitchen. I package up all the leftover food that the rich people don’t eat and leave it in the trashcan outside for the homeless. There’s a poor old man who lives in the alley – the scraps I leave are his only food.”

“Ah,” said Jack once again.

“But I
will
be discovered. And when I am, and when I’m wealthy, I’ll feed as many of those poor souls as I can.”

“That’s a very wonderful thing to say,” said Jack. “You are a beautiful person.”

“But tell me about you,” said Dorothy. “You’re a detective. That must be very exciting. Do you catch a lot of criminals? Did they send you over from England on a special case? Are you working for the Queen, or is it the President?”

“Well,” said Jack.

And Eddie growled again.

“It’s been lovely to meet you,” said Jack, “but we, that is,
I
have to be going.”

“Won’t you stay for just a little longer, have a cup of coffee?”

“I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t have any money.”

“It’s only a cup of coffee, I’ll pay.”

“No, I couldn’t, really.”

“Oh please, it will be my treat and you can tell me all about England.”

“Well,” said Jack.

And Dorothy smiled upon him.

“Just one cup,” said Jack, and he gathered up Eddie.

And then Jack strolled along Hollywood Boulevard. And he felt rather good, did Jack. Rather “Top of the world, Ma”, as it happened. The sun shone down and here was he, with a beautiful girl on his arm. And as Jack walked on, smelly as he was, he caught the occasional envious glance from a young male passer-by.

“Now this
is
the life,” thought Jack to himself. “I could make a home in this place. Perhaps I could set myself up as a private detective, and take a wife, perhaps a wife who was a movie star. Yes, this
is
the life. I really love this place.”

“We’re here,” said Dorothy. “This is it.”

And Jack looked up and said, “Ah.”

They stood before the Golden Chicken Diner. It was a symphony of chrome and neon. A neon chicken on high flashed on and off, in profile, pecking up and down.

“It’s one of a growing chain,” said Dorothy. “They’re springing up everywhere. The chicken burgers are very popular and the coffee is good, but cheap.”

“Right,” said Jack. “It looks wonderful. Let’s go inside.”

And then Jack stopped. And then Jack stared. And then Jack said, “Oh no!”

And Dorothy looked at Jack, who now stared wide-eyed. And she watched as Jack took Eddie from under his arm and held him up before his chest.

And Eddie stared and saw what Jack saw, and Eddie Bear mouthed, “No!”

In the front window of the Golden Chicken Diner there was a garish sign. It was a big garish sign and it advertised the fare on sale.

But not only did it advertise this, it also advertised something else. It advertised special offers and what came free with these.

COLLECT ’EM ALL (said this garish sign)

FREE WITH EVERY FAMILY SPECIAL

A CLOCKWORK CLAPPINGMONKEY or

A CLOCKWORK BAND MEMBER or

A CLOCKWORK ORCHESTRA MUSICIAN

AND COMING SOON

LAUGHING POLICEMEN

AN ENTIRE SET OF TOY TOWN FIGURES

INCLUDING

TINTO THE CLOCKWORK BARMAN

AND

EDDIE THE CUDDLY BEAR

When Jack could find his voice he whispered, “What does it mean, Eddie, what?”

Eddie just stared and Dorothy said, “What is the matter, Jack?”

“It’s this … this sign.”

“Free toy figures.” Dorothy smiled. “Don’t thay have free offers in England? These are incredibly popular. They only started a day or so ago, with the clockwork monkey. Everybody’s collecting the figures now, not just kids, but grown-ups. There’s something about them, something –”

“Special?” said Jack. “Something special?”

“Yes, that’s the word. They’re not like ordinary toys.”

Eddie wriggled gently in the arms of Jack.

Jack said, “This needs thought, much thought.”

“Thought about what?” Dorothy was steering Jack into the Golden Chicken Diner.

Jack held back. “Let’s go somewhere else,” he said. “In fact, perhaps it would be better if I were to see you later on, this evening or something. I think I should be pressing on with my case.”

“I’m not letting you go that easily.” Dorothy clung to his arm. “At least let a girl buy you a cup of coffee. And I want to hear all about this case of yours.”

“No,” said Jack. “I don’t …”

But Dorothy tugged at Jack’s arm and Jack let himself be drawn into the Golden Chicken Diner.

It was within, as without, swathed in chrome and neon. A long chrome counter, behind which at measured intervals were mounted splendid chromium cash resisters, behind which stood personable young women wearing skimpy gold costumes. They sported golden caps and these in turn sported corporate logos: profiled pecking chickens. One of the girls said, “How might I serve you, please?”

“Two coffees, please,” said Dorothy.

“And a large glass of beer,” said Eddie.

Dorothy looked up at Jack. “How did you do that?” she asked, and she smiled as she asked it.

“Just a trick,” said Jack, but in a distracted voice, as he was viewing large posters that hung upon the walls to the rear of the serving counter. These were adorned with dozens of pictures of the special-offer free Toy Town figures. Jack instantly recognised Chief Inspector Bellis, and the cigar shop proprietor, monkeys and musicians, several of the laughing policemen that he had recently fallen foul of, Tinto the clockwork barman and …

“Amelie,” whispered Eddie.

“Sorry?” said Dorothy. “What did you say?”

“Amelie,” Jack pointed. “I know her, she’s my –”

“She’s your what?”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Jack. “Or rather it
does
, very much.”

Eddie set free a dismal growl. For Eddie could see, as indeed could Jack, Eddie’s own picture up there.

“I don’t understand it,” said Jack. “I don’t.”

“You are a very strange boy. Ah, here are our coffees.”

“And where’s my beer?”

Dorothy laughed. “That really
is
very clever.”

“Get him a beer, please,” said Jack. “He needs it and I need one, too.”

“I can’t get beer – I’m underage and so are you. Don’t be so silly.”

“Bad bad meathead world,” grumbled Eddie.

“Stop it now.” Dorothy paid for the coffees and carried them to a vacant table. “Come on, Jack,” she called.

With difficulty Jack tore his eyes away from the colourful posters and carried Eddie to the table. He pulled out a chair and seated the bear upon it.

“Horrible world,” grumbled Eddie.

Dorothy looked nervously at Jack. “You weren’t touching him when he said that,” she said.

“Just a trick,” said Jack.

“I’m not so sure.” Dorothy gave Eddie a close looking-at. “There’s something about this stuffed toy of yours. Something –”

“Special?” Jack suggested.

“Different,” said Dorothy. “Odd, perhaps.”

Jack stared into his coffee cup. He recalled his conversation with the cigar proprietor who had told him, “I have the special eye and I see trouble lying in wait ahead for you. Trouble that comes in the shape of a chicken,” and also his conversation with Eddie when they first went to Toy Town and had talked about souls being stolen and all of Toy City being under threat.

“Stealing their souls,” said Jack. “Taking their very essence. And for
this
?”

“Please tell me what you’re talking about.” Dorothy looked over at Jack. “You’re frightening me.”

“I’m sorry.” Jack shook his head. “I’d like to tell you, but I can’t. And even if I could, you wouldn’t believe me. You’d think I was mad.”

“This is California,” said Dorothy. “Everyone’s mad here. There was an Englishman like you, well, he was a Scotsman, but I think that’s the same thing. His name was Charles Rennie Mackintosh, and he said that if you turn America on its side, everything that is not screwed down rolls to California.”

“I’m sure that’s very profound,” said Jack, “but it means nothing to me. Is this California? I thought it was Hollywood.”

“It is Hollywood, but Hollywood is part of LA, which is in California. California is a state in America. But why am I telling you this? You know where you are, surely.”

Jack shook his head. “Hold on,” he said. “You said LA.”

“LA,” said Dorothy. “Los Angeles.”

“LA,” said Jack. “TO TO LA. To LA. It was a signpost.”

“I’m more confused than ever.”

“And so am I,” said Jack.

“You’re coffee’s getting cold.”

Jack sipped at it.

“Do you like it?” Dorothy asked.

“It’s fine, thank you.”

“Beer would be better,” Eddie said. “This is a nine-pint problem.”

“You didn’t do that,” said Dorothy to Jack. “You were sipping your coffee when it spoke.”

“I’m not an
it
,” said Eddie. “I am an Anders Imperial. Cinnamon plush coat –”

“Not now,” said Jack.

“He speaks by himself.” And Dorothy’s green eyes grew wide.

“It’s just a trick.”

“It
isn’t
a trick.”

“All right. It’s a small child in a costume.”

“Oh no it isn’t.”

“Let’s go to a bar,” said Eddie. “There’s bound to be one somewhere that will serve us.”

“It’s speaking by itself, it really is.”

“And I’m not an
it
! Get rid of her, Jack. We have to press on now, find our other selves, stop them doing what they’re doing and fast.”

“I agree,” said Jack. “This is bad, very bad.”

“It’s alive, Jack! Make it stop!” And tears sprang into Dorothy’s eyes.

“Listen,” said Jack, “please be calm. I’m sorry.”

“But it’s alive.”

“Will you please stop calling me an it?”

“Make it stop, it’s frightening me.”

“Eddie, please be quiet.”

Eddie made growling sounds.

Dorothy rose to flee.

“No,” said Jack. “Please don’t go.”

“Let her go, Jack.”

“No. Please stay.” Jack rose, took Dorothy gently by the shoulders and sat her back down. “I’ll tell you,” he said. “I’ll tell you everything. But before I do, you must promise me that you will tell no one what I tell you. And I’m saying this for your own good. Murders have occurred –”

“Then
you
–”

“Not
me
. I’m not a murderer. Eddie and I are detectives. We are in pursuit of murderers.”

“That thing is looking at me in a funny way.”

“It’s the only way he knows.”

“Thanks very much,” said Eddie, and he shifted in his chair, which had Dorothy cowering.

“Please promise me,” said Jack, “and I’ll tell you everything.”

And Dorothy promised in a shaky voice and Jack then told her everything.

And when Jack was done there was silence.

Except for the background restaurant noise of large Californians chowing down on family chicken-burger meals.

“My head is spinning,” said Dorothy. “But somehow I always knew it. I used to say to my little dog Toto, before he was sadly run over by a truck, somewhere over the rainbow …”

And Dorothy burst into song.

Which rather surprised the diners. And rather surprised Jack, too.

“Oh, sorry,” said Dorothy, bursting out of song. “I’m rather prone to that.”

“It was very nice,” said Jack. “I liked the bit about the bluebirds.”

“I didn’t,” said Eddie. “Ne’er a hint of a bear.”

“A land of toys,” said Dorothy.

“Well, a city,” said Jack. “That was once Toy Town.”

“And the toys on the posters –”

“As I said,” said Jack, “some of them are already dead and if we don’t stop these doppelgangers of us, as you can see on the posters, many more folk in Toy City will die. Including Eddie here.”

“At least I seem to get star billing,” said the bear. “I’m the last on the list.”

Dorothy smiled upon Eddie. “He really
is
quite cute,” she said. “Can I give him a cuddle?”

“You
cannot
,” said Eddie Bear. “Most undignified.”

Dorothy smiled once more and shook her head. Her flame-red hair glittered in reflected sunlight. “Let me help you,” Dorothy said. “I’m sure I could do something to help.”

“I wouldn’t hear of it,” said Jack, finishing his coffee. “It’s far too dangerous.”

“Because you’re a girl,” said Eddie. “No offence meant.”

“I think you did mean
some
,” said Dorothy.

“I think he probably meant plenty,” said Jack. “But in a way he’s right. Eddie and I are used to getting into danger. It’s just about all we ever do. In fact, I can’t imagine how we’ve managed to sit for so long in this restaurant without someone trying to shoot us, stab us, or blow us up.”

“It can’t be danger
all
the time,” said Dorothy.

“Not
all
,” said Eddie. “The danger is relieved periodically by bouts of extreme drunkenness and bad behaviour. So as you can see, it’s no job for a girl. And Jack has a girlfriend anyway.”

Jack clipped Eddie lightly on the ear.

And then withdrew his fingers hastily to avoid having them bitten off.

“I
could
help you,” Dorothy said. “You are strangers here and I know my way around LA. I could be very useful to you.”

“It’s too dangerous,” said Jack. “You could get hurt, badly.”

“I know how to handle myself.”

“Yes,” said Jack, “of course you do.”

“Stand up,” said Dorothy. “Try to attack me, see what happens.”

“Don’t be silly,” said Jack.

“I’m serious. Try.”

“Some other time,” said Jack. “Sit down.”

“Chicken,” said Dorothy.

“Hardly a well-chosen word, considering the circumstances.”

“You’re still a chicken. Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!” And Dorothy made chicken sounds and did that elbow thing that people do when they impersonate chickens. As they so often do in passionate bedroom situations.
[25]

“You’re making an exhibition of yourself,” said Jack. “You’ll get us thrown out.”

“She’s a stone bonker, this one,” said Eddie. “Give her a little smack, Jack, and make her sit down again.”

“I can’t smack a woman.”

“Let me bite her, then.”

Dorothy began what is called in theatrical terms a “dance improvisation”. Diners looked on briefly, then continued with their chowing down of chicken burgers. Because, after all, this
was
California.

“Just one little smack then,” said Jack, “and we’ll stop all this nonsense.”

Jack rose from his chair.

Dorothy ceased her dance improvisation, extended an arm and with her fingers beckoned Jack nearer.

Jack sighed, took a step forward and swung a gentle slap in Dorothy’s direction.

And what happened next seemed to Eddie to happen in slow motion. Dorothy leapt into the air and somersaulted over Jack’s head, turning as she did so to boot him right in the side of the gob.

It may have seemed like slow motion to Eddie.

It seemed very fast to Jack.

And as Jack hit the floor with a thunderous blow …

Dorothy landed several yards away, right on her feet, light as thistledown.

Eddie buried his face in his paws. “That’s going to hurt in the morning,” he said. “And as this
is
morning, it will probably be hurting now.”

“Ow, my face.” And Jack did flounderings about. “That wasn’t fair … my face.”

“I’ll get some ice,” said Dorothy.

“Eddie,” groaned Jack from his floor-bound repose, “Eddie, bite her, please.”

“Not my battle,” said Eddie.

“But Eddie.”

“Sorry,” said Eddie. “Count Otto kicked me over the big top.
That
really hurt. This woman could kick me all the way to England, wherever that is.”

Dorothy went and fetched some ice and then she helped Jack up.

“I can get up by myself.” Jack patted her away.

“I told you I could handle myself.”

“I wasn’t ready,” said Jack.

“Well, if you’re ready now you can take another shot. I’ll close my eyes if you want.”

“Go on,” said Eddie. “You might strike lucky.”

Jack sat down in a right old huff. Dorothy offered him ice in a serviette. Jack took this and held it to his jaw.

“It’s call Dimac,” Dorothy explained. “The deadliest martial art on Earth. My hands and feet are registered with the police as lethal weapons – I have to have a special licence for them.”

“Dimac?” said Jack.

“I sent away for a course. A dollar ninety-eight a lesson, from Count Dante – he’s the Deadliest Man on Earth, obviously.”

“Obviously,” said Jack. And he clicked his jaw.

“So do I get the job?”

Jack sighed and almost shook his head.

“I know my way around,” said Dorothy. “And I could come in very useful if anyone menaces you or Eddie.”

“Well,” said Jack. And then he said, “Why? Why would you want to help us?”

“
Why
?” said Dorothy. “Why? You have to be joking.”

“Jack’s not very good on jokes,” said Eddie. “Actually, as a comedy sidekick he’s pretty useless. But it is a valid question. You want to be an actress, don’t you? Why would you want to get involved with us?”

“How can
you
ask me that? You are a talking toy bear. Jack says that you and he came here from somewhere over the rainbow. I believe in fate. Our paths haven’t crossed by accident – destiny led you to me.”

“Oh dear,” said Eddie, and if he had been able to roll his eyes he would have done so.