The True Tale of the Monster Billy Dean (8 page)

It is he says. And the ritin & the pitchas is a masterpees. A masterpees abowt the boy naymd Billy Dean. Look ther is yor name Billy Dean. And there is the name of Mam & the name of Dad.

And I look & I can rede the few littl words he names & I shiver like a fetherd thing with joy.

Next thing I no its Mam that cums to me. The sky abuv is brite. Shes gently shakin me awayk. Her voys is in my ere.

Yor sleepin the sleep of the dead Billy Dean. Wer you bene in that littl hed of yors.

Nower I say. Just in my bed Mam.

She laffs. Stil I can fele my Dads hand in me continuin from the dreme.

Is Daddy cumin soon? I ask.

She looks away. She has a glas of oranj joos that she ofers to me. I take it & take a sip.

Who nos Billy? You no how yor dad is. Do you ask this becos yor missin him so much?

Aye Mam.

She sits rite beside me on the bed. She siys.

Whats up Mam? I say.

You have to no, she ansers, that ther mite cum a time wen Dad wil return no mor.

I laff.

That wil never happen I say.

And how can you no that son? And you hav seen how the anger & the hatred cum upon him. Those are the things that mite drive him away.

But those things pass. My dad Wilfred wil not stop. He loves us much too much for that.

She closes her eyes.

You dont no yor Dad like I do Billy Dean.

Yes I do.

No you dont Billy. And yor turning to a big boy. Its time you start to understand these things.

I dont no what to say. I close my eyes. I see him in the dreme agen. I feel his pen poyntin rite down into the hart of me. I wisper.

If he dos stop I wil go to find him & bring him back.

Will you, Billy? And how wil you no wer to go & how wil you no wer to look for him?

And I look arownd me at the warls & the leters & marks & pitchers on the warls & the windo to the sky & at the mows holes and the door that I must never go throu & I think of the bird & the mise & the dreme & my hed is tremblin with the wunderin & the wurry of it.

I dont no I say at last. But I wil fynd a way. & if he dusnt return wen I ask him to then

Then what Billy Dean?

I think agen of the dead bird & of the mows with the trap at its throte.

Then Ill hav to kil him Mam.

She claps her hand acros her mowth.

Dont say such things! she says.

But it mayks her grin as wel. She looks at me from the corna of her eye.

And wot do you suppows you no abowt killin littl Billy Dean? Apart from the killin of littl mise in littl traps.

I no lots I say. I no abowt Cane & Able & abowt how God killd millyons & millions at Sodim & Gomorra & with a grate big fludd.

Them old aynshent tails she says.

Aye Mam them old tails.

I make a fist & rase it hiy abuv my hed.

Ill do the same as God I say. Ill tel him to be good & if he dosnt then Ill slay him. Just like that!

I thump my fist down onto the bed just like I stab this pensil down onto the payj rite now.

Just like that? she says. You cud kil the man you love just like that? I dont think so Billy Dean.

She looks away. I sit up and cuddl her.

But what a hero! she says. What a brayv littl hero you are!

And then she crys. She says what a silly stupid bitch shes bene. She says who is she to hav such an aynjel for a son. And Wilfred? Who is he? What kind of monsta is he? And who cud no what he deservs?

I wotch her cry until shes carm.

It wil not be long she wispers. It wil be like with the mise.

What wil be like with the mise?

Sumthin that wil be hard but that wil be for the best.

Then she gose. And I get my stuff owt from under the bed agen & I open the wound agen cos its heeld & the blud flos & I mix it with the ink & I get on with my ritin agen & becos of the dreme I no now how to shayp the words Billy & Dean & Mam & Dad & words like lad & mad & bad & nib & dam & dead but not the words that mite go in between them to give them proper sense.

I rote on the skin in the end of corse. After days of practising I lade the first skin on the table. I dippd the poynt of the fether in the ink & blud. I rote lyns of tiny meaningless byutiful shayps mixd in with the handful of the words I new. The shayps in my mynd told the story of Billy Dean who grew in secret at the hart of things.

I drew pitchers of the boy that the story was abowt. I drew pitchers of the boy that rote the tayl. I drew him in a sqare room with a fether in his hand & a halo rownd his hed & with burds flyin rownd the halo rownd his hed.

In this way I mayd my masterpees. I rote 9 pajes of words & pitchers. I cut a hole in eech corner with the point of the sissors & joined the payjes together with string.

I rote it with the fether of a bird on the skin of a beest just lyk in aynshent tyms & it wos very byutiful.

Mebbe maykin the masterpees sumhow got me redy for the end for all the chaynjes that wer abowt to cum so qwik.

I rememba the very last time Dad cum to us. It was in the daytime which was so unusual for him. I rememba how lovin he seemd at first how he felt the mussels in my arms and legs & telt me I was turning into a fyn strong lad.

Yor turnin into a man Billy Dean he said.

He held me up agenst him. I remember how I gaspd to sudenly no how much I had grown.

Look at you! he said. Youl soon be nerly as big as yor dad.

I laffd & jumpd up so my hed was nerly levil with his.

He laffd bak then turnd away. He stard up to the windo to the sky with his hands held behind his bak and he was silent for a long tym. Ther was a shaft of lite farlin on him ther was a million bits of dust dansin spinnin glitterin in that shaft of lite. He lit a blak sigaret & the smoak swirld rownd him with the dust. I cud fele the torment that was in him even befor he said to me in a tremblin voys.

Wil you forgiv me Billy?

I said I did not reely no wot forgivin was but if he wanted me to then yes I wud.

He laffd at that but it didnt seem much lyk a laff.

O Billy! he said.

He cum owt of the dust owt of the smoak owt of the lite.

Of cors you wont he said. Wy shud you do enythin but hate?

He siyed & kissd me on the cheke & huggd me. He started warkin to the dore but then turnd bak and cum so close to me.

Is ther a god Billy he said.

I didnt no what to say.

Is ther he said. Is ther a god is ther a devil is ther goodness is ther bad is ther Hevin is ther Hell? Is ther enythin but this just this.

I tryd to speke but had no words to anser with.

He put his hands round my hed & held it so my eyes wer on him just him.

Anser me he said.

I dont no Dad.

But I thort you wud. I thort in this littl plays in yor innosens & goodnes you wud cum to see things & no things that nobody els cud no.

His fingas wer getting tite gettin paynful.

Is that all you hav to say? he said.

I dont no Dad.

You dont no. You dont bluddy no?

No.

He drew me closer.

Tel me what you see he said.

You Dad I said. You.

You he said. Me. Whats bluddy me?

He yankd me even harder towards him. He bent down and pulld me up so I teeterd on my toes & my eyes were nerly rite befor his own. He pressd his nose down agenst my own. I saw the scar abuv his eye so cloas. I felt the fury seethin in him.

Look into my eyes boy. Look depe.

I stared.

Look depe I said, he said. Bluddy deeper bluddy Billy Dean. Whats in ther?

In wer?

In here in me in father Wilfred. Look and say what you see.

I stard into the blak pupil at the senter of his eyes.

I dont no Dad!

Stop sayin that!

But I dont no. How cud I no?

O bluddy jesus after all this is that arl ther is to say. Tel me!

Just darknes Dad. Just the little black hole & the darknes behind it & . . .

He shovd me back. Stil he grippd my hed. He swivelld it so I lookd arl arownd him.

And whats arownd me whats beyond me whats abuv me whats belo?

Just the ordnary things Dad. Just the air & the flore & the roof & the walls & the fallin dust & the lite & then the stars.

Nothin els? Nothin els in the spayses?

No I wisperd.

No he said. Of cors thers not. Forgiv me Billy.

He siyed.

And forgiv me this.

He put his hand up to the scarf that was around his nek. He tuggd it & it slithered down into his hands. He held it between his two hands then qwikly rappd it rownd my throte. He pulld the scarf & pulld me closer to him. I smelt the smel of him & the insens & the wyn & the blak cigarettes & the sent of Dadnes in him. I saw the brite brite brite blueness of his eyes arownd the blak.

I cud do it he said. You no that Billy dont you?

Do what Dad? I wisperd bak.

He laffd.

It mite be the best thing I cud ever do for you he said. I cud do it to you then do it to her then do it to me & so it wud be dun & finishd with at last.

I dint want to speke nor move nor do anything that mite mayk him go away. I just wanted him to stay like I always wanted him to stay.

It wud send you strate to Hevan he said. And it wud mayk sure of my plase in Hell.

I kept on lookin bak into his blue blue eyes with the blak hole at the center. He pulld the scarf & it tiytend rownd my throte. He wotchd me. He pulld a littl tiyter. I cud fele that if he went on titenin the power of breth wud leav me.

Dont Daddy I gaspd. Plees dont.

Why not Billy?

He pulld it tiyter & he wotchd me as I choakd for breth as I shudderd as I sqirmd as I tryd to pul away the scarf with my own frale hands.

Then he releesd me. He cort his breth shook his hed took his hands away & lookd at them and tears started runnin from his eyes.

I loosend the scarf & then reechd owt to him put my arms arownd him.

Its alrite Dad I telt him.

How can it be? he wisperd.

He cort his breth agen & then he nelt befor me. He tilted his hed bak bared his throte.

It shud be you that dose it to me Billy he said. Do it now. Get a nife and kil me now.

I reechd owt tuchd his throte. Ther was stubbl on it but the skin was wite and soft and smooth. I cud fele his blud beatin his breth flowin his mussels tremblin. I felt the grissel & the bone & I imajind goin depe insyd goin depe down towards the hart of him.

He dint move as my fingers rested on him moved across him and felt the livin that was goin on in him.

It wud be no crime he said. No sin. Ther wud be nothing to forgiv & nobody enyway to do the forgivin.

I turnd from him. I reechd beneath the bed and got my stuff owt. I got the fether of the bird.

He wotchd and didnt move.

What you doin Billy he said.

Kepe stil Dad. Let me do it.

I rolld my sleev up opend the wound & dippd the point of the fether in. He lookd in a kind of horra. I rote my naym in blud across his throte.

I bene practising I said.

I cant see Billy.

Hold yor hand owt.

He held his hand owt.

I rote my name agen on the skin of the bak of his hand.

BILLY.