The Truth of Yesterday (2 page)

     “Hi, I'm Ellen. I'll be your waitress today. Are you ready to order or do you need more time?” she asked all in a whoosh without taking a single breath. I was impressed. I would have been more impressed if she'd given the slightest indication that she cared one way or the other.

     “I'll have a hamburger - lettuce, tomato and ketchup, no pickle,” Micah ordered.

     “I'll just have a house salad,” I said.

     
“Drinks?”

     “Water is fine with me,” Micah said.

     “I'll take a root beer.”

     She made the proper notes on her little pad and moseyed off towards the kitchen.

     “So, what's wrong? What did you want to talk about?” I asked after a minute or so of awkward silence. This was not like Micah at all.

     
“Hmm?
Oh, it'll wait until the food gets here.”

     “Why?
You afraid that I'll lose my appetite if you tell me now?”
I tried to keep my voice light, but inside I was tensing up like crazy.

     “It's not that.” He looked away, suddenly entranced by the giant fish tank by the door.

     “Micah, what's going on?”

     He turned back to face me. “Where are we going?” he asked.

     “Huh? What do you mean?”

     
“Our relationship, where is it going?”

     “I…I don't understand what you're asking.”

     “Killian, we've been dating now for several months, but I feel like we're not going anywhere. I've tried to be patient but how much can a guy take?”

     “Is this about…sex?” I said in a low voice. I was eighteen and, for all intents and purposes, a virgin. Asher and I had never gone all the way and Micah had said from day one that he didn't want our relationship to be about sex, and, to his credit, he had never pushed me.

     “No, this isn't about sex,” he said with a sigh in his voice. “You know it's not about sex. And you know what this is really about; I need more from you then just companionship, someone to go to dinner with or to the movies or dancing. I want intimacy and I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy. I feel like you are constantly holding me at arms length. I want…no, I need to be closer to you. I want you to let me in.”

     “Micah…I…wow.” I stammered.

     “I told you it should have waited.”

     “No, I…wow. Look, Micah, I don't know what to say. I thought we were doing fine.”

     “We are. We're doing just fine. But I don't want to just do fine; I want to be great. I want to be completely satisfied in our relationship.”

     “And you're not.”

     “No. I'm not. I feel like there's a part of you-a big part-that I've never even seen. I've seen hints and brief glimpses, but I've rarely gotten to see the whole and never for very long. I want to know you completely and totally, Killian, but you have to trust me and let me in.”

     “I thought I was…”

     “Did you?”

     Before I could answer, our charming waitress Ellen appeared at the table again with my salad and Micah's burger.

     “Enjoy,” she said, plopping the platters down in front of us without finesse.

     I sat staring at the limp, unappetizing salad and realized that I had actually lost my appetite. Micah was apparently experiencing a similar predicament. I pushed the salad to one side.

     “Killian,” he started again, “I care about you; I really do. I even…I would even say I love you. I've never known anyone like you. You're so smart and funny. I love being with you and God knows you're never boring. And it doesn't hurt that you're one of the cutest guys I've ever met. But I can't live like this. I can't just keep going on unless I know there's a reason to hope for something more.”

     “I care about you too,” I said softly. “I've loved spending time with you and getting to know you.”

     
“But?”

     “There is no but.”

     “So…what are you saying? You'll let me in?”

     “I… I don't know what you mean.”

     He sighed. “He's still here, between us, just like he'd never left.”

     “What?
Who?”

     “Asher. That's what this is all about, isn't it? You can't let go, can't move on.”

     “Asher? How'd he get into this?”

     “He's in everything we do.”

     “That's not…” I stopped with the word true still on my tongue. He was right and we both knew it. What was the point in denying it? It would just cause more of a rift between us then there already was. “I'm sorry.”

     
“Me too.
Sorry won't fix this, though.”

     “What will?”

     “You have to move on, give up whatever you are holding onto with Asher. And you have to be willing to take a risk with me.”

     “What do you mean by risk?”

     “Moving to the next level is going to require a certain amount of risk for both of us. We're risking getting hurt, risking losing what we have. All love involves risk, what you have to decide is if it's worth it. Do the benefits outweigh that risk? I've decided that for me they do, but only if you are willing to commit to this just as much as I am.”

     “I…”

     “You don't have to answer right now. That wouldn't be
fair,
I'd be putting you on the spot.” He pulled out his wallet, opened it, and tossed a twenty on the table. “Take your time and think about it, be sure you know what you want, and then call me. I won't call you. If I don't hear from you in a reasonable amount of time I'll know you decided it wasn't worth the risk and I'll try to understand.” He stood up and looked down at me, sitting there with what I'm sure must have been a stupefied expression.

     “Micah, wait.” I managed.

     He smiled.
“For what?
I want you to have time to think about this, about what I'm asking of you. This is the best way I've come up with to do that, relatively painless for us all. I hope I'll be talking to you soon, but if not, no hard feelings. I'll always love you.”

     He turned and walked out the door. I watched him out the window as he crossed the lot once more, climbed into his car, and drove away without ever once looking back. I was still sitting there several minutes later when the alluring Ellen appeared back at the table.

     “Is everything ok?” she asked disinterestedly, as if our food wasn't still sitting completely untouched on the table and my dinner partner hadn't just walked out on me.

     “Yeah, everything is fine,” I said, pushing my way out from the booth. “Keep the change.”

     “Do you want a doggie bag?” she asked my retreating back.

     “No thanks,” I muttered, whether or not she heard me I didn't know, and didn't particularly care.

* * *

     I was sitting in my room that night with a book open in front of me on Seth's old desk, ostensibly studying. In reality, I couldn't have begun to tell you the first thing about what the chapter I was supposed to be reading was about. I kept replaying my conversation with Micah over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have said differently, and wondering what I was going to do about what he had said.

     I liked Micah, I really did. It was not entirely out the question that I could fall in love with him…if I let myself, which was the problem. Micah was right; I had been holding a part of myself back from him. He was also right about the reason. I was far from being over Asher. I still missed him and it had been months since we were a couple, and we hadn't been happy even before that. Still, he was my first boyfriend and I had loved him. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had always thought we'd get back together. I had been thrown for a loop when he announced he was moving away.

     I wasn't sure I was ready to do what Micah had asked. I had hurt so much when Asher left, more even then when we'd broken up. I'd lost so many people I guess in some ways it was natural that eventually I'd begin to throw up some sort of defenses to keep people away. It wasn't even entirely intentional. I knew it wasn't fair to Micah to expect him to just keep coasting along uncertainly, but I didn't know if I was prepared to take that risk he'd been talking about. I was afraid to let him in for fear I'd lose him, but the ironic part was, it looked like I was about to lose him anyway by keeping him out.

     I slammed the book shut and let my head drop onto the desk with a thud. “What am I going to do?” I moaned out loud.

     “Why do you always have to make everything so hard?” A familiar voice asked from behind me. I snatched my head up and around so quickly I felt something snap in my neck.

     “
Ow
!” I yelped. “Damn it, Seth. Why'd you have to go and scare me like that?” My deceased friend reclined on the bed, his arms behind his head and his feet crossed at the ankles. He wore what I was beginning to think of as his uniform, faded jeans, heavy black shoes and a clingy black shirt. His expression was one of benign amusement.

     “What? No hello? No gee, Seth, it's been a long time, how've you been?”

     “You're dead. I don't have to ask how you've been. I wish you wouldn't just appear like that. It scares the crap out of me.”

     “Oh, quit being such a drama queen. For God's sake, you're never happy unless you have some sort of crisis going on.”

     “That's not true,” I said in an injured tone.

     “Ok, so maybe that was a little harsh, but you do make mountains out of molehills. Shall I list examples?”

     “Please don't.”

     He shrugged and grinned.

     “So where have you been the last few months? I'd pretty much convinced myself that you were just a stress-induced hallucination. When was the last time I saw you?
At the barn?”

     “Yes, at the barn. I got in a little trouble over that, broke a few rules. I guess you could say I'm on probation.”

     
“Probation?
What rules?”

     “I've told you there are certain rules I have to obey if I'm to be allowed to come here.”

     “No, I mean what rules did you break?”

     “Oh. Well, that's another rule; I can't tell you what the rules are, remember?”

     “You just like being mysterious.”

     He stuck his tongue out at me. “No, there really are rules. Although, I have to admit, this whole mystical entity thing does appeal to me. Look, we're supposed to help out by dropping enigmatic hints, no direct advice. And we're never supposed to interfere with the Pattern. When I gave you the strength you needed to get out of those ropes I crossed the line.”

     “You gave me…?
The pattern?”

     “Pretend I didn't mention that, ok? If I keep this up you'll never see me again. Anyway, I didn't come here to enlighten you about how this all works.”

     “Why did you come?”

     “You need me.”

     “I do?”

     “Yes.”

     “Oh.”

     “I'm here to help you figure out what to do about Micah.”

     “It's like having my very own fairy godmother.”