The Truth She Knew (11 page)

“
Are you sure?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with me?”

“
I’m positive,” she said with a gentle smile.

I sat there for a moment and tried to wrap my mind around what Linda was telling me.

“
Linda, if what you’re saying is true, then what
is
wrong with me?”

“
Why do you think anything is wrong with you?”

I didn’t answer.

“
Let’s do this. Let me ask some questions about your mother. I think that might help you understand some more. Is that okay?”

“
Yeah,” I replied. I slid off Walker’s lap and onto the couch next to him.

“
Walker mentioned that your mom has a roommate. What’s her name?”

“
Patsy.” I stared at my shoes. My cheeks burned with the question. Here I was, once again, explaining Mama’s situation. “Yes, they share the same bedroom and the same bed,” I blurted.

“
Is their relationship healthy?” she asked.

“
What do you mean by that? Where’s this going?” I was unable to hide the exasperation in my voice.

“
I’m trying to get a clear picture, or the best picture I can, to explain some things. But first I need more answers.” She waited patiently for me to indicate we could go on. I was so focused on the conversation that I almost forgot Walker was next to me.

“
They fight,” I said. “I don’t mean they just argue, which they do too, but Mama gets hot pissed. Sometimes she hits Patsy. A few weeks ago, Mama had Patsy pinned down on the floor. Mama had a butcher knife in her hand and she screamed that she was going to kill her. Mama’s big and super strong when she’s mad. I just walked right back downstairs. I don’t think Patsy or Mama even realized I’d witnessed the fight. So, I guess now that I think about it, no. I guess they don’t have a great relationship.”

“
Tell me more about Mama. Is she angry a lot? Is she in a good mood one minute and the next she isn’t?”

“
I guess. I honestly stay away as much as I can. I work and go to school so it helps me stay out of the house.”

“
Does your mom work?”

“
Does sitting in her recliner praying for everyone count as a job?” I snapped.

“
That makes you angry?”

“
Of course it makes me mad. She never wants to go anywhere or do anything. She’s always in that damned chair praying. The minute one of us walks in the door she’s sitting us down and explaining everything we’re doing wrong and what demon needs to be prayed out of us,” I hiccupped.

I covered my face to hide the tears from Walker. Walker hadn’t said a word, but he pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to crawl into his lap or run. I’d never shared any of this with anyone. He was going to break things off with me for sure.

“
What do your mom and Patsy fight about?” Linda asked.

“
A few times, Mama accused Patsy of wanting to leave. I don’t know if it’s true or not. Mama doesn’t like Patsy to be out of her sight very often. Even when Patsy’s at work, Mama calls her. Patsy has even come home from work to talk to Mama.”

“
I know this is difficult, Lacey. Have you spoken to anyone about this before?”

“
Only a little bit—Mama always stopped it. Somehow she finds out what I’ve said and she doesn’t allow me to schedule appointments with a counselor anymore. She says I’m always trying to turn people against her and that I’m her enemy.”

“
Did you ever tell anyone about your mom hitting Patsy?”

I shook my head no. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told—you and Walker, anyway.” I didn’t dare glance his way.

“
Do you consider her to run the family?”

“
Yeah, everyone does what she says. I’m not sure if it’s because we think she’s right or because we’re scared.”

“
You’re afraid of her?” Linda leaned forward in her chair.

“
I don’t remember a weekend I was home that she hasn’t threatened to kill Patsy or hit her. I don’t want her to come after me too.” I choked on the last words as I spoke them.

“
Has she come after you?”

I shook my head. “Not like that.”

“
But?”

I didn’t answer her. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else about my argument with Mama.

“
So, you don’t think I’m sick?” I asked, redirecting the conversation.

“
No, I don’t. I think your mom is.”

“
What do you mean?”

Linda leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs.

“
Lacey, I can’t say anything for sure since I’ve never met your mom. Off the record, we might be dealing with several possibilities, including bipolar, borderline personality disorder, or narcissism and depression. It’s difficult to say, but I can promise you two things: you’re not demon-possessed, and no matter what, the violence you’re living with is not normal or acceptable. Your mom doesn’t have a right to hit you, Patsy, or anyone else. Ever. Do you understand?”

“
She doesn’t mean to,” I said, “I just say the wrong thing. She can be okay and then I say something I shouldn’t have and I’ve started the war.”

Silence hung in the air for a moment.

“
Lacey,” Linda said gently, “she can’t get better as long as you’re making excuses for her.”

“
I . . . can she get better? Are these things you mentioned curable?” I asked, ignoring part of what Linda had said.

“
It would take a lot of hard work, Lacey, but people get better all the time.”

“
This is a lot to take in,” I muttered, biting my lip.

“
I agree. It is a lot. Let me give you some information to read concerning some disorders. Maybe it will help you understand mental illness a little bit better. Your mom needs help, Lacey. However, you’re not responsible for her. You can’t change her—she has to want that for herself.”

I reached out and accepted the brochures from her.

“
Thank you, Linda. Thank you for talking to me and I’m sorry I was snappy.”

I stood up, walked out the door, and left Walker and Linda sitting in her living room. I hopped down the stairs two at a time and went straight out the front door. My head pounded with each step I took. I lost control as the tears streamed down my face. What if Linda was right? A part of me wanted her to be right. I didn’t want to be possessed, but I didn’t want Mama to be sick either. And, if all of that was true, how was I going to help Mama?

“
Lacey?”

“
Susan, what are you doing out here?” I asked as I walked down the path to the patio. I attempted to wipe away my tears as I approached her.

“
Well, I do like to come outside sometimes and sit under my oak tree. Have a seat and join me.” She smiled and pointed at the available chair.

I pulled the chair out from the small table and sat down.

“
I’m sure whatever Linda said is a lot to take in. I can only guess, not having all the details.” She arranged her oxygen tank at her side as she shifted in her chair. “It was my idea.”

“
What do you mean?” I asked. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned back into the outdoor chair.

“
When Walker called me last night, he was so upset, Lacey. He wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened, but he wanted to talk to your mother.”

“
What? Oh my God, Susan, no! He can’t do that!” I shot forward in my chair as my eyes grew wide at the thought of Walker showing up at my house.

“
I realized that. That’s why I told him to bring you here and suggested you talk to Linda. It was all me.”

“
Why would you want to help me? I don’t even know you,” I said as I leaned back again.

“
Well, you do now.” She laughed, which was followed by a coughing fit.

“
Susan, I’m sorry.”

“
Lacey, you need to stop apologizing. None of this is your fault, honey. You didn’t ask for problems with your mom, nor did you ask Walker, myself, or Linda to help you. There are some things I can still do before I leave this earth. If one of them includes helping you, then I gladly accept.”

I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands as I cried. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Susan remained silent as I cried.

“
I’m a mess,” I said as I tried to wipe away my smeared makeup. My eyes had already been puffy from the crying and lack of sleep even before I came over.

“
Did Linda tell you?”

“
No, and she won’t. Walker won’t either. It’ll need to come from you.”

“
Okay,” I said and bit my bottom lip. “Linda thinks my mom might have a mental illness.”

“
I’m sure that’s a lot to think about,” Susan said.

I nodded. “I don’t know what to think right now. Mama always told me it was my fault she acted like she does.”

“
That’s a lot of power she’s giving you.”

“
What?” I asked, surprised. “I don’t have any power, or I’d be able to make Mama stop hitting Patsy or throwing me on the floor . . .” My voice trailed off as I realized what I’d said. “She’s not a bad person, Susan. I love her very much.”

“
I know you do, or you wouldn’t have protected her secrets this long. The hard part is understanding that you can’t save her, nor is it your job to do so. She’s grown, she knows right from wrong, and she also realizes that help is a phone call away. Your mother sounds like an intelligent woman.”

“
She is,” I nodded.

“
So are you, Lacey. Take some time to think about everything Linda talked to you about. You can talk to her, Walker, or me anytime.”

“
Thank you,” I said.

“
You’re always welcome,” she said and flashed me a warm smile.

“
Hey,” Walker said as he crawled into his bed next to me.

“
Hey,” I whispered as his strong arms wrapped around me. “I guess I fell asleep. It’s all this stupid crying.”

“
It’s okay, I wanted to check on you,” Walker said and brushed my cheek with a kiss.

I rolled over to face him.

“
I feel like hell. My eyes burn from crying,”

“
You’re beautiful, and your eyes are even greener if that’s possible.”

“
What time is it?” I asked as I rubbed my face.

“
It’s six o’ clock,” he replied.

I sighed and peered out his bedroom window at the large oak tree.

“
Walker, what if your aunt is right? What if nothing’s wrong with me?”

“
I have no doubt in my mind that she’s right, Lace. I knew there must’ve been something going on with your mom even before we talked last night, but what you told me took it to a different level. She can’t hit anyone. That’s never okay.”

“
If she’s sick, how did I not know? How did I not see it?” I asked as I covered my face with my hands.

Walker gently pulled them away.

“
You can’t blame yourself. We all believed what our parents told us when we were growing up—we didn’t know any different. You couldn’t have known it wasn’t normal because it was
your
normal.”

“
I still don’t understand everything. Like, how did she find out you and I are together? I mean, we’ve been out to the lake, the mall, dinner, and other places so I guess anyone could have seen us.”

“
Yeah, there were always other people around, except when I took you to watch the sunset at the lake. No one was around then, I checked.”

“
Oh, I guess I wasn’t paying any attention.” I giggled as I thought about that day.

“
You haven’t laughed in a while,” Walker said.

His gaze traveled up my face and held my eyes. If I let myself, I could get lost in his eyes for days. They were warm and safe.

“
I love you,” he whispered.

I stared at him, speechless. No guy had ever told me he loved me, and I’d never said it to anyone in a romantic way. I’d never been in love before, until now. Not only had he accepted me even after I’d revealed the worst parts of myself, but he had taken me home and kept me safe.

My heart belonged to him; I couldn’t fight it anymore. He was the best thing that had ever walked into my life, and I was going to hang on to him with everything I had.

“
I love you too, Walker.”

He smoothed my hair away from my face and kissed my nose. I slid my hand around his back and pulled him to me. I wanted every part of him against me, wanted his warmth to fill me. Not just my body, but my mind, my heart, and the core of my being. I loved him. I loved this man for his strength and his ability to love me despite my craziness.

He placed a trail of kisses along my cheek and neck as he rolled me over onto my back. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him as close as possible.

“
I love you, Lacey. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you at the party,” he said as he continued planting kisses down my collarbone and to the V of my T-shirt.

I slipped my hand under his shirt and lightly ran my hands over his back and shoulders. I wanted to touch him forever. His skin burned under my touch and I welcomed the heat building between us.

I moaned as he continued kissing me, and his hand moved slowly up my stomach and stopped at the edge of my bra. He kissed my earlobe and finally my lips. His mouth was warm and gentle. I opened my mouth and invited him in, accepting him and everything he meant to me. I tilted my hips toward him and he groaned in response. His kiss deepened, our urgency for each other growing.