The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D (21 page)

Thursday, June 16, 1994

The doctor advises against doing anything about the abnormal cells, calls it a low-grade case and said, Watch, it will probably rectify itself. She gave me the name of an OB and said I should go as soon as possible for a prenatal visit, and that we’d monitor the cells closely. Sometimes pregnancy makes them grow faster; sometimes they go away on their own. She didn’t ask what, if anything, I planned to do about the pregnancy.

I’m thinking about leaving Dave another message, and this time going ahead and telling him about the baby. But not telling him what I intend to do about it. I admit I am tempted to hurt him this way because it would shatter his self-image as a family guy, and he’d know it was all because he’s a coward. Straight through my birthday, not a word. Did not surprise me, because how could he pop up for that when he’d already gone this far? Part of me hopes he’ll come forward yet. I want to believe the honorable person I’ve known these past two years is not a figment of my imagination. Though if he showed up, that would come with its own repercussions
.

Tuesday, June 21, 1994, 2 a.m.

My apartment is in shambles. Last night I moved the sofa against the wall, threw a drop cloth over the floor, and set up the easel and canvas. I haven’t felt so consumed by something in years, lost track of time completely. I started off thinking in terms of shapes and colors and raw energy, but what started coming through was something much more restrained. A simple contrast of the two scenes in Gramercy Park, the woman combing her daughter’s hair, the party at the NAC.

When I finally fell into bed I dreamed about Florence at Signora P’s but my NYU friends were in the kitchen. Haviland gorgeous and
haughty sitting with her cigarette and when she laughed at me, smoke curled out of her nose
.

Friday, June 24, 1994

I left him a voice mail. I told him about the baby, recorded it right onto the little tape of no return. I wish I could say that I just left him the information—that I intend to do this with or without him—leaving him hanging about the diagnosis just to see what he’d do. But I’m not quite brave enough to test him that way and have to live with the outcome.

So I did the cop-out: I told him the dysplasia is mild and not a big deal, which I knew would free up his paralysis and make it easier for him. He’s not a strong man, but every fiber of his being needs to believe that he’s a good one. I did this pretty much knowing he’ll come around, though now I’ll never know whether he would have come back on his own if I’d been really sick. But I don’t have that luxury. I don’t want to do this by myself.

The future’s like a superhighway through a big bland desert. Marriage, kids, mortgage, suburbs, little hands getting into my paint. I will not give in to the sentimentality of wondering about the other options, partners, lifestyles, the whole Road Not Taken thing. I already did that, and it brought me here. This is where I am, and he is where I am. It will be okay. But the price I’ll pay for not having to do this alone will be never having the certainty that I can count on him
.

SIXTEEN

K
ATE STOOD AT THE
kitchen counter staring into her beach bag in disbelief. She rifled through its contents—water bottle, key chain, sunscreen, book. But no wallet. She turned the bag upside down on the kitchen table in a waterfall of pens, receipts, and snack bars. Spare change clattered onto the counter, but no trunk key, which was not a surprise. That had been zippered away, night after night. And now it was gone, stolen with the wallet at the beach.

Driver’s license and credit cards, replaceable. Cash, negligible. But she was fairly sure that this was the only copy of the trunk key. She poured herself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table. There might be another copy somewhere at the Martins’ house—it was hard to believe Elizabeth would have given her only key to the law firm. But to ask Dave would be to raise all kinds of unpleasant issues, chief among them his belief, she was sure, that his wife’s journals should not have left his house.

She could call the police to see if a wallet had been found; she would check the beach, and call some island locksmiths. But for now, since no one would see, she sat at the table with her face in her hands.

She was alone. The kids were next door at the Callums’ so she could work at Flour for a few hours, and Chris was en route to Cambodia.
An exclusive Angkor Wat hotel was rumored to be ripe for purchase; it had been empty and in a state of disrepair for some time, and its owner, a Saudi prince, let slip that he’d just as soon sell. When the president of Chris’s firm heard, it was as if he’d been given the coordinates of the Holy Grail. Finding a property of this quality so close to the famous temples was unheard of. Chris got on the next flight to Siem Reap to check it out and, if it was promising, begin negotiations. He’d likely be gone a week, ten days. When he returned, they’d have a week left of their vacation.

Kate had felt a jolt at his first mention of Southeast Asia. He’d been many times, but not in the past year. She knew what had been happening in the region lately. Anyone who followed current events did. All over the news, cities were reduced to pinpoints glowing red on maps, more terror cells and training camps discovered every day. When she’d mentioned her concern to Chris—breezily, like a parody of spousal worry—he’d assured her that those things weren’t happening where he was going.

It was normal to have concerns. But she also knew she had lost perspective in the past year on the way an ordinary person might reasonably feel under certain circumstances. She saw Chris in town squares and markets, places that were targets for desperate hate-filled men and hateful acts. If he was in the wrong place at the wrong time there would be smoke, cries, and prayers; his wallet would be found, blown to the curb, his passport in pieces, photos of their children loose in the street with charred edges.

Kate got up from the kitchen table and went to the loft to examine the trunk. It sat in the middle of the floor like a squat rebuke to her carelessness. Why had she kept the key in her wallet? She crouched to scrutinize the lock, some sort of metal weathered to dull brown. A classic vintage keyhole, a small round opening above with a tiny notch at bottom.

Kate went back downstairs for anything that might be made into a tool—Piper’s barrette, a paper clip, a pair of nail clippers with a fold-out file. She wriggled each in the lock without luck. All of them
caught on the notch, too thick to slide the rest of the way in. She remembered the little key for their car’s rooftop storage unit, and retrieved it from a dish of loose change on Chris’s dresser. Just looking at it she could see it was too thick. Next to the dish Kate noticed the photograph of herself laughing over a dropped soufflé in the studio, the one he always brought with him when he traveled. She hesitated, wondering what, if anything, it meant that he had not taken it this time.

She went back up to the loft and the trunk. If an island locksmith was not helpful, she might try tracking down a trunk company that still made tiny locks and keys. But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew she wouldn’t have the time or patience. In the end she would pry it open any way she could.

She sat back on her heels and looked out the loft window. Propped on the inside of the windowsill was the notebook with Elizabeth smiling into the sun. On the chaise lay the pastel-striped notebook. Two notebooks still outside the trunk.

The screen door slammed shut behind her with a hollow bang. “I’m here,” she called toward the kitchen, and put her bag behind the counter.

“It’s about time.” Max’s voice came from behind the curtain. “Do you
know
how many tarts we have to make for that dinner party?” Kate poured herself a cup of coffee and stood at the window that opened onto the side patio. At the largest table three men sat with coffee and doughnuts, their golf shoes piled on a nearby bench.

“Hollywood people,” Max muttered from the kitchen. “They order two kinds of tarts in double the number they actually need, so they won’t run out of either kind. Then they have the nerve to ask if they can return the extras.”

One of the golfers’ cell phones began to ring. He looked down,
grimaced, and pressed a button to silence it without answering. “Ahhh, no, I don’t think so,” he said. “Not right now.”

Kate watched as he pushed the phone away and leaned back in his chair. His friend laughed. She fought an urge to go out and tell him to answer his damned phone, that you never knew why someone might be calling. She turned away from the window and walked through the curtains to the kitchen.

“Sorry I’m late. I had to get a sitter for the kids. Chris went to Cambodia.” She picked up an apron from the pile folded on the shelf.

“Cambodia? What’s he doing there?”

“Checking out another exotic hotel.”

“Exotic
hotels
. Ah, yes,” he said bitterly.

She looked up, eyes narrowed. He stood half inside the refrigerator, removing ingredients. But his jaded comment, she reminded herself, was not about Chris.

“Have you heard from William?” she asked, tying the apron strings behind her back. “Anything at all? Or about him?”

He moved around the butcher-block island collecting utensils, and for a moment she thought he had not heard her.

“No,” he said finally. “And I don’t expect I will.”

“Well there has to be something you can do. Go after him legally?”

He handed her a whisk and a rubber spatula. “It would be very hard to do.” He tapped the spatula against the counter lightly, as if he’d thought it over but decided against it. “I’m not going to go that route.”

She wanted to say that she’d never liked William much anyway, but that sort of proclamation was never useful after the fact. It hadn’t stopped her from saying it the spring day Max called with the news. But the courageous thing would have been for her to have said something years ago, when she’d felt a chill from William, possessive of Max and unwelcoming to his old friends. Or certainly
to have said something last summer, that night out to dinner. She’d gotten up from the table to go to the ladies’ room, and as she turned the corner she’d seen William in the doorway to the kitchen talking to their waiter with too much familiarity. It was all wrong, his posture and expression. And even if she’d felt he was not right for Max long before, she’d known it with certainty that night, the way he’d turned away from the waiter with that sensual languor, a twist of hips first, head last. He even saw that she’d seen him, and brushed past her with heavy-lidded eyes like a pissed-off cat. Still, she hadn’t mentioned it to Max. It was awkward. It was private. And she might be wrong.

Max handed her the cream cheese as he laid out the ingredients for the tart crust. Then he cleared his throat. “I decided to sell the house.”

She looked up quickly. All those years designing, then building. The walls of bookshelves, and water views if you stood just so. “Oh, no.”

He shook his head. “It’s just a house.”

That wasn’t what he meant, though. What he meant was
The bakery means more
.

She stood looking at him, but he didn’t meet her eye. She scratched at his hand with her index finger. “I’m sorry,” she said. “When?”

“I’m putting it on in a few weeks. Catch the summer people while they’re here.”

She opened the cream cheese. “Am I allowed to say I’m glad you’re keeping the bakery? It’s so you. It’s irreplaceable.”

He paused, then dumped flour into the mixing bowl. A small cloud rose from the pile. She glanced at him sideways, and saw his eyes glistening.

“Do you have a realtor for the house yet?” she asked softly. “Need help fixing it up?”

He smiled, and coughed away the emotion. She’d amused him.

“What?” she said, feigning offense. “I’ve sold houses. I have an eye for style.”

He dropped his eyes to her baggy T-shirt and cargo shorts. “Sure you do, honey,” he said, drawing out his words patiently, as if he were speaking to a child. “You surely do.”

She flicked a piece of cream cheese at him, and he lifted it off his collar with a fingernail and rubbed at the place, smiling.

On opposite sides of the wooden island in the center they moved through the automatic gestures; flour, salt, and sugar blended, shortening and butter cut into pebbles, drops of ice water scattered like seeds. As he worked the dough he looked over at her, then looked again, as if he hadn’t noticed before.

“What’s up with your eyes? They’re all red.”

“Allergies.”

He raised his eyebrows. “What are you allergic to? Butter?”

She exhaled. “I’m fine. I just lost my wallet, and got bent out of shape about it this morning. I think it was stolen yesterday on the beach.” She dropped the block of cream cheese into another bowl and jabbed at it with a spoon.

In the scope of things, the loss of the key was not tremendous. Still, it delayed things, and reading the journals was becoming too consuming. While she was playing with the kids, she found herself wondering what had drawn Elizabeth to stay with Dave, and what had finally pulled her away. The other night after they turned off the light, as Chris’s hand brushed the flat of her stomach above the waistband of her briefs, she’d had a jarring memory of Elizabeth’s thong, her art-teacher boyfriend, and her rant against loyalty. Even without having finished reading the journals, Kate wondered how she would be able to look Dave in the eye.

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