The Upside of Love (16 page)

Luke

We finished eating breakfast and I took the trays over to the table. I happened to look out the window and noticed it was raining.

“It’s raining.”

“Rain? What’s that?” Lily laughed.

“Yeah, no kidding. It’s been quite a while since California has seen some.”

Now that the photo shoot was cancelled, I wondered if it was the right time for our talk. I really needed to do this because I was desperate for her. Even though things between us the past day had been amazing, we needed to talk. I walked over to the bed and grabbed her hand. She knew exactly what I was doing because she had a look of fear in her eyes.

“Babe, we need to talk and we need to do it now.”

She took in a sharp breath and pulled her hand away. “I know.”

“That night was a shock for both of us and I’m not proud of how I handled myself. I never should have walked out on you and I’m so sorry. I want to erase that night and start over.”

“You never should have left me.” She started to cry. “You should have stayed and we could have talked about it. I was in just as much shock as you and you didn’t love me enough to stay. You walked out on me like everyone else in my life!” she yelled as she pointed her finger at me.

“Lily, I’m so sorry. You also need to understand what seeing that picture meant. What I felt. The things going through my head. To think that we’d actually had a conversation before you moved to Santa Monica, and that we looked into each other’s eyes before we even knew each other’s names is extraordinary. Lily, you were meant to be in my life, starting from the day you walked over to my table.”

****

Lily

Oh God. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t know what to say; my throat felt like it was closing. He was broken right now, but he would heal. When he didn’t have to see me anymore, he’d heal. I started to shake and my breathing became constricted. I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweat shirt.

“Lily, what are you doing?”

“I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?” he yelled.

I threw open my suitcase and dug for my tennis shoes. When I found them, I forced my feet into them as quickly as I could and I grabbed my purse.

“I’m sorry, Luke. I promise you’ll be okay,” I cried as I flew out of the hotel room.

The elevator doors were open because a young couple had just stepped on. My face was soaked in tears and my nose was running. The pretty brunette looked at me and handed me a tissue.

“Thanks,” I cried.

The doors opened and I ran. I ran through the lobby and out onto the soaking wet streets of New York City. I could see Central Park.
He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay
, I kept chanting over and over again. I figured if I said it enough, in time I would believe it. The rain was pouring from the sky and I was soaked, as were the people leaving the park and trying to seek shelter.

“Lily!” I heard Luke yell. “You can’t do this. You can’t just walk away from me. I love you and I refuse to live without you.”

I stopped in the middle of the grass. “You don’t understand!” I screamed as I turned around and looked at him. He was soaked, standing there, looking at me like a lost soul.

“Make me understand because I don’t know who the hell you’ve become. I love you and I know damn well you love me. You’re still in love with me, right?”

I turned away and closed my eyes. If I told him no, I’d be lying because I loved him more than my own life.

“Lily, answer me!” he yelled as he walked up to me. He grabbed my arms. “Are you still in love with me?”

I broke out of his grip. “Yes. Yes, I love you and I am in love with you. But it’s too late; we can’t ever be together. We can’t go back to how things used to be.”

“Why? What the hell is your problem?”

I wiped the rain from my forehead as I stood there soaking wet, crying and shaking, not only from the cold, but from my own fears.

“Make me understand,” he cried.

“I gave you the tickets. You had a great time, a time you didn’t think would be your last with her. You were broken, so broken after her death and then I came along and put you back together. You didn’t know that I was the girl who gave you the tickets. I didn’t even know I was the girl. I didn’t remember you. How could I? I was in my own turmoil of my fucked up life and when I saw you and Callie holding hands and smiling at that table, I knew you were the perfect couple and I wanted something good to come out of the hell I was trying to climb out of. But instead, my hell turned into your hell, and I will never forgive myself for that, and every time you look at me, you’re going to be reminded of how I was the one. It will always be in the back of your mind that I was responsible for Callie’s death, especially when you see or hear something that reminds you of her. I can’t live the rest of my life causing you any more pain. Don’t you get it? I caused you pain before we even met.”

He stood there, crying as he stared at me. “You’re wrong, babe. I don’t blame you. I’m so sorry that I even said that. I didn’t mean it. I was in shock. You don’t cause me any pain and I don’t think about that when I look at you. All I see when I look at you is my soul-mate and my best friend. The girl that rescued me and fell in love with me. The girl who I love so damn much that I would give up my life for. Lily, don’t do this to us. Don’t do this to me. You stand there and talk about causing me pain. The only pain you’ll cause me is if you walk away from me.”

I stepped closer to him and placed my hand on his cheek. “I can’t. You’ll move on and you’ll find someone who will love you just as much as I do. I’m doing this for you. You have to understand that.”

“No! I will never understand your reasoning. Congratulations, Lily, you just caused me the worst kind of pain imaginable. Have a great life,” he said as he turned around and walked away.

As I watched him, I fell to my knees, sobbing and wanting to run after him. What was I doing? Did I even know anymore? I couldn’t think or see straight as I made my way out of Central Park. I was walking down the streets, dazed and confused and crying. He said that he’d give up his life for me, but what he didn’t understand was that I was doing that for him. I was giving up my life for him.

After walking for what seemed like hours, a man called out to me.

“You’re welcome to use my umbrella, miss.”

I looked over in between the two buildings and saw a homeless man seeking shelter under a large overhang. He was sitting on the ground, looking up at me. His clothes were tattered and worn. He wore a tan-colored coat and had the hood up, covering his head. I could see the dirt spots on his face and fingers. He was older, I would say in his fifties. I stopped because this man who looked like he had nothing had offered me his umbrella.

“Thank you,” I said as I took it from him and sat down on the cold wet ground.

“You look pretty beaten up. I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“I’m not from here. I live in California.”

“Ah, California. I was there once. Beautiful place, but holds a lot of bad memories for me. The name’s Philip.” He smiled.

“I’m Lily,” I said as I held out my hand.

He looked at me strangely, like he was unsure, and then he slowly placed his hand in mine and shook it. “You don’t mind shaking hands with a homeless man?”

“No. You may be homeless, but you’re still a person.”

He looked away. “That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. It’s nice to meet you, Lily.”

The rain started to slow down, and I was so cold. My problems seemed far and few compared to Philip’s.

“I saw a little diner around the corner. Are you hungry? I really need some coffee.”

“That’s sweet of you, Lily, but you don’t want to be seen with a homeless man. I’m fine.”

“You offered me the use of your umbrella and I want to thank you. So come on, Philip, let’s go sit in the diner, have some coffee, something to eat, and dry off.”

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” he asked.

“Yeah. I very serious.” I smiled.

“Well, if you insist. Who am I to turn down such a generous offer from a beautiful girl?”

We both stood up and walked around the corner. When we stepped into the diner and I told the hostess we would like a booth, she gave me a strange look and then showed us to the only booth that was available.

“Excuse me, miss. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I replied as I looked at her strangely.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she walked away.

I looked at Philip and he laughed. “People are strange. Just ignore her.”

Luke

I went back to the hotel and, as soon as I got to my room, I stepped into the hot shower. I placed my hands against the smooth, tiled wall and cried. I completely broken down. My head was spinning and reeling with all kinds of emotions. How could she do this to us? She said she still loved me, yet we couldn’t be together. She was wrong. Dead wrong! I would never look at her and think of Callie. She made her decision and there was nothing that I could do to change it. I’d tried and I couldn’t do it anymore. When I got back to California, I was moving out of the apartment building. I couldn’t be near her. She was so fucking worried about me feeling pain every time I looked at her. Well, she was right. Now I would because I loved her, and it hurt way too much to look at her and know that I couldn’t have her.

After I finished my shower, I looked up flights back home. The next flight out of New York was at nine o’clock tonight. FUCK! I needed something earlier, but I was out of luck. I put on some dry clothes and lay down on the bed. I replayed our conversation over and over again until I fell asleep.

****

Lily

“Order anything and as much as you want,” I said to Philip.

“If you’ll excuse me, Lily, I’m going to use the restroom and clean myself up a little.”

I smiled as he got up from the booth. The waitress came by and poured coffee in both of our cups. A few moments later, Philip walked back to the table, looking better. He had washed his face and hands, making himself look cleaner. He sat down, and when he took a sip of his coffee, he closed his eyes as if it was the best thing he’d ever tasted.

“The aroma of coffee always gets me. I love it.”

“Me too.”

There was something about Philip that reminded me of my father. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, but there was something about him that comforted me.

“When I first saw you, you looked like you had been crying. Would you like to talk about what happened?”

“Not really,” I replied.

“Sometimes talking to a complete stranger is more therapeutic than talking to a friend or someone who knows you. They just seem to tell you what you want to hear.”

I smiled at him as I took a sip of my coffee. The waitress walked over and placed our food in front of us. As we ate, I told him everything, starting from my wedding day. He sat there and intently listened to me as I told him all about Luke, but he never spoke a word. He just listened and now it was his turn.

“So why are you homeless?” I asked.

“Getting right down to the nitty gritty, I see.” He smiled.

“Sorry,” I said as I looked down. “You said that California held a lot of bad memories for you.”

He took in a deep breath. “I had it all once. A high-paying job, a beautiful wife, two beautiful children, a dog, and the house with the white picket fence, until my wife was killed in a car accident three years ago.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“We were having a dinner party that evening and she had asked me if I would stop on the way home from the office and pick up some extra bottles of wine. I had a crazy and bad day and I forgot. When I got home, I wasn’t in the best of moods and I wasn’t looking forward to having people over. Elise asked me where the wine was and I told her that I had a bad day and I forgot to stop and pick some up. She told me to go back out and go buy some. After saying a few choice words to her, I told that I would after I took a shower and changed. She could sense the irritation in my voice, so she told me to forget it and she grabbed the keys from the counter and went herself. After I took a shower and got dressed, she still wasn’t home. An hour and a half had passed and I started to worry. Her cell phone went straight to voicemail every time I called. Our dinner guests were scheduled to arrive in an hour and this wasn’t like Elise to be gone so long. That was when I climbed into my vehicle and drove to the party store where we get all our liquor. As I was close, I noticed a long back-up of cars. If she was in that lineup, she would have called to let me know. I sat there for fifteen minutes without moving until I got out of my car and saw flashing red lights up ahead. I walked in between the cars to get a closer look. It had looked like an accident happened. My heart stopped beating when I saw a car that looked just like Elise’s completely smashed. I asked God to please not let it be her, but when I got closer, I looked at the license plate, and it was her car. I looked over next to the car and saw someone covered in a white sheet. As I started screaming her name, two police officers ran up to me and held me back. They said that she was already dead when they got there. Apparently, she was going through a green light and a semi-truck driver didn’t realize the light was red on his side and he just went through and smashed into her.”

A tear fell down his cheek as several fell down mine. I reached over and grabbed his hand. “I am so sorry that happened to you. That wasn’t your fault.”

He looked down as he continued eating. “That was as much my fault as it was the truck driver’s. If I never would have forgotten to get the wine on the way home or argued with her about it, she wouldn’t have gone herself and she’d still be here today.”

I was in complete shock by his story. “Philip. That was not your fault. We can spend a lifetime doing the ‘what ifs’ and it won’t change anything.”

“Just like Callie’s accident?” he asked.

I instantly changed the subject. “What about your children? Where are they?”

“My mom is taking care of them.”

“I’m sorry to ask this, but how could you just leave your kids like that after they lost their mother?”

He gently smiled at me as he placed his hand on mine. “I was a constant reminder of their mother’s death. They overheard us arguing that day. They heard the things she was saying to me. The way she called me lazy and selfish and never thought about anybody but myself. They told me flat out that she would still be alive if I had only done what she had asked and they were right. I told my mom that I was going on a trip and to look after the kids. That was three years ago and I never looked back,” he said as he stared off in a daze. “Every time I looked into my children’s eyes, I would see the blame. It was too much to handle, so I had to spare them.”

I sat there and was at a loss for words. “So you gave up everything? Why?”

“Because, my dear, I gave up on me. I lost all my self-worth, dignity, clarity. I realize now that I was a fool and I was wrong. Nothing’s really as it seems. Your perception is the one thing that pixels the truth. I didn’t cause my wife’s death, just like you didn’t cause Callie’s, and I can guarantee that Luke won’t ever look at you and see you as the woman who was responsible. I just wish that I could be with my children again and make them understand.”

“You can. It’s not too late,” I said as I squeezed his hand.

“It is; for me, at least.” He smiled.

“No. No it’s not. We can call your children right now. You can talk to them and I’ll send you home. You can fly back to California with me. What’s your mom’s number? I can call her for you and then you can talk to your children.”

He rattled off his mother’s phone number as I punched it into my phone. As it was ringing, he got up from the booth and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Take what I’ve told you today and rebuild your relationship. Clear your mind and see the truth for what it really is, not what you think it is. Second chances are always the best in life, Lily.” He smiled.

Philip turned, walked through the diner, and out the door. Before I had the chance to stop him, I heard an older woman’s voice on the other end of the phone.

“Hello,” she answered.

“Hi, my name is Lily Gilmore and I’m calling about your son, Philip.”

“Yes. How can I help you?”

“He’s in New York and we just had a long conversation and—”

“Excuse me. Is this some kind of a joke? My son, Philip, passed away a year ago from pneumonia.”

My face dropped and I sat there in silence, looking at the door. “I’m so sorry. Maybe I have the wrong number. I’m so sorry.”
Click
.

What the fuck just happened? The waitress came by and put her hand on my arm.

“Are you okay, sweetie? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“That man that was sitting here with me for the last four hours.”

“What man, sweetie?”

“What do you mean ‘what man’? You served him food.”

“No. You’ve been the only one sitting here for the last four hours. Do you need me to call someone for you?”

I heard his voice in my head as I stared straight ahead where he sat.
“Clear your mind and see the truth for what it really is, not what you think it is.”

“I’m fine. I’m just really tired. Here,” I said as I pulled out my money and handed it to her. “Keep the change. I need to go.”

“Thank you, sweetie. Take care of yourself,” she yelled as I quickly left the diner.