Terri didn’t know how long they’d been on the floor, but the sun was coming up and her joints were stiff. She was worried. Alexa—Jamison—
hadn’t said a word beyond the phrase she kept repeating. Terri had gleaned more from the news reports on CNN than she had from the woman lying broken beside her. She wanted to apologize—wanted to tell Alexa of her grave error, but she didn’t dare for fear that it would make things worse.
She decided to try a new tactic. She stroked Jay’s back, whispering softly in her ear, “Tell me about Katherine, Jamison. I’ve been admiring her for months on television.”
Through the fog of her grief, Jay heard Terri’s gentle words. She tried to formulate an answer. “Kate—she’s my partner, my lover, my everything.” Jay sobbed.
Terri hugged her tighter.
Jay felt an uncontrollable urge to bolt. She pushed herself to her feet, throwing Terri away from her in the process. Blinded by tears, she ran out the front door without any clear idea of where she was going.
She gulped in breaths of the cool dawn air, her pulse pounding like a time bomb in her ears. When she finally came to a halt, she found herself standing in the creek. The coldness of it seeped through the legs of her jeans and soaked her sneakers, but she barely registered the feeling.
“Kate,” she screamed, the name echoing back at her from the canyon walls. “Kate,” she sobbed, as she squatted down, resting her forehead on her knees. “Kate,” she whispered, as her teeth began to chatter uncontrollably.
Jay stumbled out of the water and leaned on a nearby rock. Its rough texture scraped against the skin on her forearms, reminding her that she was alive. Inside, she felt quite dead. Or did she? She wasn’t sure anymore. One second she hadn’t known who she was or where she belonged. In the next instant, she knew it all and lost it all.
The Value of Valor
“Oh, God.” She turned to the side and vomited bile, as there was nothing in her stomach to lose.
How am I supposed to go on without you,
Kate? Please, please tell me this is all a bad nightmare and I’m going to
wake up in the morning beside you, feeling the strength and calm I
always get from being near you.
She closed her eyes against the emptiness that was creeping like a cold fog into her very being.
Eventually, she noticed that she was freezing and wet. It occurred to her that Terri must be worried sick about her. She took a deep breath, trying to muster the energy to face a woman who had saved her life and offered her shelter. She deserved better than what Jay had done. She felt ashamed of herself.
When Jay got back to the house, Terri was sitting at the kitchen table with her hands folded in her lap.
“Hi.”
“Hello. You’re wet.” It took every ounce of self-restraint Terri had not to run the few steps to Jay and mother her. When Jay had run out, Terri had called Andrea for advice.
“Let her go. She’ll come back. She’s got a tremendous amount of
information and emotion to process. She needs the space in which to do
that.”
“How long should I give her?”
“At least an hour or two.”
“Should I tell her I mistook the dead woman for her?”
“I think you need to be truthful with her, yes. But pick your
opportunity carefully. You need to be prepared for the reality that she
may get very angry with you.”
“I know; I wouldn’t blame her.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Terri. I jumped to the same conclusion
myself. It was a terrible, tragic mistake—but that’s all it was. You would
never have intentionally kept Jamison from her life or her lover.
Somewhere inside, she’ll know that.”
“ I hope you’re right. Thanks again, friend.”
“You’re always welcome, Terri. I wish you’d come visit.”
“Soon.”
“I-I’m sorry I ran out like that.”
“Don’t be, my child. Rediscovering your life—that would be a lot to think about under normal conditions. Add to that everything else you have to deal with, and it becomes overwhelming. I understand.”
“You deserve better than that.”
“All that matters to me is you, Jamison. I can’t imagine your pain, yet I wish I could take it from you. The heart is strong and yet fragile. A broken heart takes much time to mend.”
Lynn Ames
Jay, who had thought she had none left to give, felt the tears fall again. “I want to tell you about her—about us.”
“And I want to hear. But not until you’ve taken a hot shower and gotten out of those wet clothes.”
Jay let the hot spray wash over her body. She leaned her head against the wall. Could she talk about Kate? She wasn’t sure. Maybe talking about her would make it hurt less. She knew that wasn’t true—nothing would take away the pain. But Terri deserved to know and so did Trystan.
Jay swallowed a lump in her throat. Trystan. Over the course of her time on the reservation, she’d become very attached to her. It had hurt her when Trystan had rebuffed her the other day. She would have to see her before she went home.
Home. Was there any home without Kate? Fred would need her. She had a job to go back to and friends who had mourned her. Kate, who had mourned her and died for her. Jay choked out a wrenching sob and pounded her fist against the wall. How could she have done that?
Jay thought about how she felt at this very moment. She knew exactly how Kate must have felt. But to end her life? That wasn’t like Kate at all.
Jay would go back and try to understand—try to make sense of what had happened to her lover in the last two months.
She shut off the water, dried herself, dressed, and prepared to give something back to the women who had given her everything over the course of her stay with them and asked for nothing in return.
She found Terri in the living room, CNN still playing in the background.
“Do you feel better?”
“A little.”
“Can I get you anything?”
“No, thanks. I want to talk to you about Kate.” Jay stumbled over the name.
Terri took a deep breath, seemingly bracing herself for what was to come. “Before you do, I have a confession to make.”
“What is it?” Alexa noticed Terri’s agitation and was further shocked to see tears on her lashes. She’d never seen Terri cry.
“I don’t know if you can ever forgive me.”
“Forgive you? For what?” Alexa asked, confused.
“I-I made an assumption that turned out to be very wrong.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“You don’t understand,” Terri said, looking up at Jay with wounded eyes. “When I first heard about the accident, the death of the press secretary’s lover was all people talked about. But I was busy with your
The Value of Valor
care; I didn’t have time to watch my usual television. So I listened to the radio instead. I never saw what Jamison Parker looked like.”
“What are you saying?” Alexa asked carefully, her stomach turning over.
“I don’t know if you remember, but there was a second woman in the car; she was dead at the scene. I was sure that woman was Jamison Parker. I knew she was Katherine Kyle’s lover, but I still didn’t know who
you
were. A psychologist friend of mine insisted that you needed to regain your memory on your own. If I hadn’t made the assumption about who you weren’t, I could have made the connection for you, and you might have…”
Although the words were jumbled, Jay understood their import.
“Don’t,” Jay said, putting her hands over her ears. “Don’t say it.” Her blood burned red-hot. She wanted to lash out, wanted to scream and rave.
She strode angrily out of the room, her whole body shaking with rage.
Jay returned several minutes later, feeling slightly more composed.
She found Terri standing in the middle of the room. There was agony and self-recrimination written in every line of her face. She felt the anger seep out of her. “It’s okay, Terri.” Jay approached her and enveloped her in a hug. “You didn’t know. You did your best to shelter me and keep me safe. I understand.”
“How can you?”
“I know you’ve done everything in your power to help me. You would never do anything intentionally to hurt me.” Jay held Terri tightly as the two women cried for opportunities lost and lives shattered.
“I want to tell you about Kate,” Jay said finally.
“Okay, are you sure?”
Jay nodded and began to pace. “I need to talk about her.” Jay’s eyes were pleading. “We met in college, but we didn’t get involved until May 1987. The governor of New York—the president now—presided over our commitment ceremony last December.”
“She was very beautiful,” Terri said.
“Yes. Gorgeous. But it wasn’t her looks that attracted me. Kate’s a hero, in every sense of the word.” Jay faltered but pressed on. “She’s honest, honorable, noble, strong, and she’s got a heart of gold.”
“She sounds very special.” Terri was careful to use the present tense this time since Jay had done so.
“Amazing. I’ve never known anyone like her.” Jay tried but couldn’t hold it together. “Poor Kate. All this time she’s been mourning me, and now that I can find my way home to her, it’s too late. If only I had figured it out sooner.” Jay stopped short. She didn’t want her words to make Terri feel any worse than she already did.
Lynn Ames
Terri sat watching the woman she had come to think of as a daughter and her heart broke. “I’m so, so sorry, Jamison.”
“Thanks,” Jay said hollowly. “My friends call me Jay, by the way.
You and Trystan have been so wonderful to me.” She had another pang as she thought of the last time she had seen her friend.
Terri watched Jay’s expressive face change when she mentioned Trystan. “You’re worried about my daughter?”
Jay nodded sadly. “Yes. I’m afraid I did something to upset her.
Something’s changed between us, and I don’t know what.”
Terri chewed her lower lip. “I think I do.”
Jay watched her walk to her bedroom with curious eyes.
Terri returned and stood awkwardly in front of Jay. She wasn’t sure what she could say to make this any easier, and she wished with all her heart that she could be doing this under happier circumstances. She held out her closed fist, turned her hand palm up, and opened her fingers to reveal the ring.
Jay looked up at her questioningly.
“I removed this from your finger the day you arrived. I was cleaning cuts and abrasions from your hands. I was afraid swelling would cause the ring to cut off your circulation. I’ve kept it for you in my jewelry box ever since.”
Jay slipped the ring on her finger. “Why didn’t you give it back to me before this, and what does it have to do with Trystan?”
“I’m sorry to have kept it from you. That psychologist friend I told you about indicated that the ring would most likely not restore your memory but might serve to upset you further—since you’d know you were married but you wouldn’t have any recollection to whom.”
“I see.” Silently, Jay wondered if the ring would have jarred her memory and if that had brought her home to Kate sooner, perhaps Kate would sti—no, she had to stop thinking that way. “What does that have to do with Trystan?”
Terri sighed. “I could see how much Trystan cared for you, and I wanted to make sure she didn’t falsely believe you were available to her in a romantic way.”
Comprehension started to dawn on Jay. “So you showed her the ring.”
“Yes. The other morning.”
“That’s why she ran out.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“That’s why she pushed me away.”
Terri nodded. “My daughter is a very sensitive girl, very caring. She would never take what doesn’t belong to her, no matter how much it hurt her.”
The Value of Valor
“You think Trystan’s in love with me?” Jay asked incredulously.
“I believe that if she isn’t already, she could be.”
“Oh, God. What a mess.” Jay buried her head in her hands.
“I’m afraid so.” Terri considered for a moment. “Jamison—Jay, what were you doing out here? Do you know?”
Jay nodded and accepted the tissue Terri offered her. “As you probably heard on the news, I’m a reporter for
Time
magazine. I did a story a while ago on Native American healing traditions. I was coming back out here because the culture fascinated me, and I wanted to do a larger story on the Navajo and the ways they carry on their traditions within the context of today’s society.”
“I see.” Terri debated how to proceed. “What do you remember of how you ended up in our care?”
Jay squinted her eyes in thought. “I was driving along when I noticed a car behind me. It stuck out because there didn’t seem to be any traffic on the road. It was a standard dark blue sedan.” She looked at Terri.
“You know, the kind undercover cops drive.”
Terri nodded.
“I didn’t think much of it until I stopped and picked up a woman whose boyfriend had dumped her out on the side of the road. I saw the whole thing. Poor woman was crying and shaking.” Jay looked up at Terri. “That was the other woman. I told her I would give her a ride to Chinle. That’s when I became suspicious of the other car.”
“Suspicious? Why?”
“Because when I pulled over, the sedan pulled over, too. Except the driver stayed back about a hundred feet or so. It was odd—like he was waiting for me. So when the woman got in, I sped up to see what the sedan would do. I thought maybe it was my imagination running away with me. But that car stayed with me. He was following me.”
“Yes, he was.”
“I-I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up in the clinic.”
Jay’s voice was shaking.
“Who was the other woman in the car with you? Did you get her name?”
“Oh,” Jay’s hand flew to her mouth. “No, I never did. She’s—she’s dead because of me.” Her voice trailed off as she tried to comprehend the enormity of what had happened.
“It’s okay, Jay. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Jay glanced back at the TV screen, where CNN was airing a package outlining Kate’s career. A stranger she didn’t even know had died because of her and so had Kate. Jay shook her head, a new wave of tears coursing down her cheeks. “No, it’s never going to be okay; it can’t be anymore.”