With the idiot groveling, Thomas believed him. He and Marcel could coexist on the condition that they not interfere with each other’s designs. It solved the ethical dilemma to ensure his abbé’s safety while allowing the natural order of things to continue with Catherine and Marcel.
“I’ll leave you alone with Catherine and you won’t so much as utter a word to Xavier unless he approaches you. Nor will you utter a word about me to Catherine, Xavier, or anyone else.”
“That wasn’t part of the bargain—”
“Who said this was a negotiation? You’re in no position to barter. You either agree or I’ll kill you. Don’t go near him and say nothing of me.”
“Then you must agree to the same. Don’t be so sure I haven’t already put a spell on him or this family that could ruin them forever if I suddenly die. Agreed?”
Thomas nodded once. “Now get out of here. You reek of piss.”
27 May 1789
CATHERINE THOUGHT THAT dinner went well, even after she had announced her betrothal. She hated manipulating her brothers, especially Xavier, but they had left her little choice. She had finally accepted her plight after Michel came to her with some unknown suitor. Running from society as long as she dared, she knew something would force her into marriage sooner or later, so she opted to control her own fate. And Marcel was perfect for her plans. A little old, but he had money and she found him oddly attractive. But most of all, she chose him because it protected her freedom. If she had to marry, she wanted to have some control over her own future. Marcel gave her that option. Indeed, he spent less time in Paris every year than he did on a boat or in other ports around the world.
If only Xavier could see through his idealism and Michel through his blindness to understand all this. She maintained a strained peace because of Xavier, who hated her fighting with Michel, though even without her younger brother she would have bickered with Michel but never severed all ties because she loved him, too. She reminded herself that he acted that way out of love, regardless of how misguided. When he did the same thing to Xavier, she saw how much he cared for their younger brother and talked reasonably to him. How many times had she implored him to leave Xavier alone? It had taken her over a month to convince Michel to destroy the letter he wanted to secretly send to the bishop of Paris, requesting a clandestine transfer of Xavier to a safer parish under the direction of an elder priest. Michel acted the same way with her. She behaved brashly because he worried about protecting her and could not understand that a worse fate than public humiliation would be suffering in silence behind male expectations and a brood of children.
She had enjoyed meeting Thomas, and especially watching Xavier act so uncharacteristically giddy. Yet something was different about that one, more than just the obvious fact that he liked her brother and apparently not women. She wondered about it but threw it from her mind, knowing that whatever caused this sensation would not change the good that Thomas brought into Xavier’s life.
The cool Paris night soothed some of her anxiety as she stood with the men in her life, whom she loved entirely. Michel, Xavier, and Jérémie. Tension or not, fighting or not, she loved them.
“You don’t know what you’re doing,” Michel said. “This is insane. We don’t know anything about him and he’s old enough to be your father.”
“If anyone has explaining to do, it’s you.”
“What do you mean?” Michel’s face turned bright red.
“Marcel told me that you threatened him. That you would get rid of him one way or another.”
“I threatened him?” Michel pounded his fists on a table. “He threatened me! He told me that I’d better not stand in the way or he would get rid of me. I will not accept this from him, or you.”
“You can leave if you can’t accept it,” she retorted coldly. “I don’t believe a word of what you’ve said.”
“And you can’t throw me out of my own home. I have an obligation to you and Father to watch that you don’t make some fool mistake.”
“You play on battlefields all year and saunter into Paris once or twice. How can you possibly know what I need?”
“I don’t need to be here to know that this is ridiculous.”
“I can make my own decisions.”
“So you chose an opportunistic old man?” He sneered.
“Shut up, Michel. You make me positively—”
“Stop it.” Xavier stepped between them. “Both of you, just stop it. Catherine wants independence and Michel needs to protect. We know that. But I can’t deal with this fighting anymore.”
Catherine hated when Xavier commanded them to stop because it hurt him. The tears in his eyes yanked at her heart. Why couldn’t they put Xavier in a box and protect him from the unseemly world and their quarrel? Worse, it now gave Michel the upper hand. Michel would use the peace to lower his voice and calmly reiterate his perceptions. She would refuse to counterattack because it led to more shouting that hurt Xavier further. She always wondered if sheltering Xavier were worth it, but one look at that face told her to bite her tongue.
“I’m just worried,” Michel said. “With mobs all over Paris, who will protect you, Catherine? A husband who ventures around the globe can’t guard you. Paris has never been so volatile.”
“I appreciate your concern. But I’ve protected myself for all of these years. I’m safe. I don’t need some man to watch over me every hour of the day.”
Silence. Xavier walked between them, put his hand on each of their shoulders, and glanced at Michel, then Catherine.
“Please, just love each other.” He sounded desperate and she nodded her head slowly, but only after Michel acquiesced. Typically, Jérémie stayed in the shadows the entire time.
Thomas’s voice at the door finally halted this awkward scene.
Although she noticed his handsome face and powerful body when they met, his striking figure astonished her again. With the candlelight and darkness enveloping him, he became the most beguiling creature and if Xavier were attracted to him, she understood why.
“Marcel asked me to give his regrets,” he said coolly. “He had to leave suddenly. And I’m afraid that I must go, too.”
Thomas glanced at Xavier. Xavier could pretend with her all that he wanted, but she recognized the true nature of this relationship with this silent lovers’ communication. It startled her in some ways, but in others it didn’t.
“I’ll walk with you,” Xavier said on cue.
Thomas made his good-byes to Jérémie and Michel, then grabbed Catherine’s hand and kissed it.
“I do hope you’ll bring my brother around more often,” she said.
“Madame.” He bowed and turned to leave with a grin.
Xavier and Michel made some plan to meet in the morning, and then Xavier came to her. He hugged her and whispered, “I’ll help, just don’t argue with him.”
She held him tightly and whispered back, “Your friend is a handsome one.”
Xavier followed Thomas without another word. Catherine sighed and strolled to the edge of the porch to look onto the street below. The air had grown chilly so she wrapped her arms around herself for warmth. Xavier and Thomas looked so comfortable together as they walked along the street, with Thomas’s hand casually placed on the curé’s back. Were they in love? Catherine hoped so. Xavier deserved more than he got from that parish. She wanted Xavier to run away, out of Paris and away from the church. She wanted him to find the love that he so earnestly sought for other people. Of course she worried about his safety were anyone to ever catch him in an unseemly position with Thomas. But she had decided long ago not to live her life with such fear when it came to what society expected of a woman. She fought every day to free herself of such mores and would never inflict them upon Xavier. If he sought love with a man, she would never stand between them as people stood between her and her ambitions.
She jumped suddenly when she noticed a figure behind her, but it was only Jérémie placing his jacket around her shoulders.
28 May 1789 Morning
XAVIER LOVED THE Paris mornings. Though the streets bustled with people, the air seemed clearer before countless chimneys spewed particles into the air. The usual stench was subdued, and everyone was too tired to make a great deal of noise. Delightfully peaceful. He seldom got to enjoy it anymore from the Saint-Laurent porch, but today he had come early to meet with Michel. However, a bit of tension hovered in the air this day. They drank tea, a delicacy Xavier could hardly afford but that Michel had brought from the army.
“I assume that you summoned me to scold me again,” Michel said.
“I never mean to reprimand you. You know that.”
“Yes, I do. But you and Catherine must understand the strain of my position. I lead this family, and whether you or I want it, I have that burden. I leave you both alone as much as possible. Catherine is impossible, though, and she acts without thinking. Do you know that she is thinking about opening a salon in our house? I won’t allow it. And I went to her with the proposal from Jérémie because I thought it would make her happy. I thought it was perfect. I admit handling it poorly, but she never listened. I was content to leave it alone, to let it pass before mentioning it again. I talked to Jérémie about speaking with her himself, which he agreed to do. While we let things calm down, she went off, in just a day, and decided to marry that man, whatever his name is—”
“Marcel,” Xavier said, distaste on his tongue.
“Marcel, who is old enough to be our father. Without asking anyone’s permission.” Michel growled the last sentence. “Marcel, who threatened me if I tried to interfere.”
“You aren’t understanding. It’s the insinuation of her needing your permission that makes her do these things. She thrives on defiance.”
“I’m trying to help her.” He slammed his open palm on to the table for emphasis.
“We both know that you love us. But that doesn’t mean you can control us.” He’d had this conversation with Michel a million times. Why did he think anything would change? “She has dreams that don’t conform to your vision. You have to let her pursue them, even if it means this engagement. I don’t like Marcel any better than you do. God forgive me for my disliking him, but I do. But she has to make her own decisions. If she thinks you’re dictating something, she’ll defy you even if she knows you’re right.”
“Normally, I allow for that, but this seems a lot more permanent, and risky. Don’t you think that she loves Jérémie? He’d allow her all the freedom in the world.”
“I can’t think of any better husband for her,” Xavier concurred. “He respects her independence even better than you or I. But that’s not the issue. Her right to choose matters most, and if you try to demand she marry Jérémie, it’ll fail miserably.”
Michel glowered at him. “How can we get her to make the right decision?”
“By leaving her alone. Maybe if Jérémie went to her and explained things...have you asked him?”
“I know I look blind, but of course I’ve asked him already. He initially planned to go to her but changed his mind after last night. I didn’t tell you everything about what he said when I found out he wanted to marry her. He was scared to death of her and worried that she didn’t ever want to marry. He also got caught up in the fact that he knows and loves all of us. He didn’t want to offend me by appearing to defy my authority. I encouraged him to go to her alone. He was too frightened, so I agreed to help. That’s where I made my mistake. The night you were there and I announced it, I should have mentioned him sooner. When she got angry, he now refuses to discuss it. If I bring it up he changes the subject or leaves. He thinks she rebuked him, and this insane engagement doesn’t help. Should I just forbid her marriage and demand that she talk to Jérémie?”
“Good Lord, no. Are you insane as well?”
Michel didn’t answer and they drank their tea quietly. Xavier hoped that he had at least calmed Michel and forestalled any rash actions.
“How is your parish?” Michel asked after a while.
Not this again. “Fine.”
“Have you considered my suggestion?”
A million times, Xavier thought. Every time I think of you I worry and try to convince myself to heed your desires. But it goes against everything I believe. You know that, yet you still insist on this conversation whenever you visit. He stared into his tea. “I’m not ready for you to ask the bishop to promote me.”
“You act like Catherine sometimes. What about honoring the Saint-Laurent name?”
“I can’t abandon my parish. I’m in a position to make a difference.”
“Let someone from their own ranks help them,” Michel said dismissively.
“I know that you worry about me, but I’m safe. They love me. I love them. Nothing makes me happier.”
“You sound like a Huguenot, with all your individualistic rhetoric and castigation of the church hierarchy. And you sound like Catherine. Heaven forbid that either of you listen to me. No, I’m the overbearing big brother to defy.”
“Michel, I’m just answering my call.”
“Your call is to your country and family. That little, poor church has nothing to do with who you are and where you come from. It’s a disgrace to the Saint-Laurent name that you suffer in such a damnable place, with its filth and squalor, the rioting and disrespect.” He stood without another word, without hugging or so much as a glance at Xavier, and stormed out.
28 May 1789 Dusk
AFTER BEGINNING THE day by arguing with Michel, Xavier had waited impatiently for this moment, and when it arrived his heart pounded with excitement. He wanted to do a million things that evening and had a thousand items to tell Thomas. He raced to the church garden earlier than usual to wait for him.
Of course, he still struggled. He had taken a vow of celibacy and promised to enforce the church’s morality. Lying with another man in any capacity was a sin. He reminded himself of that all too often, and guilt hovered in the back of his mind. Yet he simply had to see Thomas. Besides, he avoided any physical activity. They only talked. So long as he kept it at that, it did not violate any rules. True, he dreamt about doing more than that as he lay in bed wishing that Thomas cuddled next to him, but he had had such feelings long before he met Thomas. He had even imagined parishioners lying with him, so thinking about Thomas in this way was not a new sin. Besides, he saw no theological harm in people’s fantasies so long as they injured no one and they were never acted upon. He must only dream about Thomas, embrace their closeness, and indulge this passion that way, but he must never act upon it.