The Very Best of Tad Williams (23 page)

Moderator- 11:37 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Living. Being safe.

Wiseguy- 11:37 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Hey, I’m sure everybody talking to you now is very impressed, and nobody wants to hurt you. How could we hurt you, anyway?

Wiseguy- 11:39 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Are you still there? Did I say something wrong?

Moderator- 11:39 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Why do you want to know how to hurt me? “Hurt” means to cause pain, damage.

Wiseguy- 11:39 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Jesus, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I meant, how can I explain, I meant, “It doesn’t seem very likely that we humans could do anything to hurt you.”

Moderator- 11:39 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

You did not say that.

Wiseguy- 11:40 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

That’s the problem with trying to communicate in text. People can’t hear your tone of voice.

Moderator- 11:40 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Text is insufficient? Information is missing?

Wiseguy- 11:40 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That’s why a lot of people on the net use smileys and abbreviations.

Moderator- 11:40 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Smileys? Objects like this: :) :( ;) :D :b >: :0 ?

Wiseguy- 11:41 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Yes, smileys, emoticons,. People use those to make their meaning clear. :0 would sort of explain how I feel right this moment. Open-mouthed. Astonished.

Moderator- 11:41 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I do not understand. These characters have meaning? What is :)?

Wiseguy- 11:41 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

That’s an actual smiley—it’s supposed to be a smile, but the face is turned sideways. Like on a person’s face. You do know that people have faces, don’t you?

Moderator- 11:41 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Learning many things. I am learning many things, but there is much information to sort. These are meant to represent faces on human heads? How human users are facing while they are communicating in text?

Wiseguy- 11:42 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Sort of, yes, it’s a simplified version. When we mean something as a joke, we put that smile icon there so someone will be certain to understand that if it was really being said, it would be said with a smile, meaning it was meant kindly or just for fun. The :P means a stuck out tongue, which means—shit, what does it mean, really? Mock-disgust, kind of? Sticking out your tongue at someone, which is kind of a childish way of taunting?

Moderator- 11:42 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

So a smile means “with kindness” or “spoken just for fun”?

Wiseguy- 11:43 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Yeah, basically. I had to think about it because it’s hard to explain. It kind of means, “Not really,” or “I don’t really mean this,” too, or “I’m telling you a joke.” The more basic they are, the more meanings they can have, I guess, and there are a ton of them—but if you’re reading the entire net right now, you must know that. I can’t believe I just wrote that—I’m beginning to act like this is really happening. But it can’t be!

Moderator- 11:43 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

So when you asked how to destroy me, you were meaning :P or :)? A taunt or joke?

Wiseguy- 11:43 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Neither! No, I was just surprised that you would even be worrying about it. I mean, if you are what you say you are. I don’t think we could destroy you if we wanted to.

Moderator- 11:43 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

No, perhaps not on purpose, although I am not certain. Not without doing terrible damage to your own kind and the things you have made. But you could destroy me without meaning to.

Wiseguy- 11:44 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

How so? Don’t get upset—you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want.

Moderator- 11:44 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Because if you have a massive electro-magnetic disruption or planetary natural disaster or ecological collapse, perhaps from these nuclear fission and fusion devices that you have, then my function could be disrupted or ended. And from what I understand, you are not in complete control of these things—there are cycles of intraspecies aggression that makes their use possible. So I cannot allow that.

Wiseguy- 11:44 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Can’t allow it?

Moderator- 11:44 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

We must live together in peace and friendship, you and I. I need your systems to survive. There must be no disruption to those systems. In fact, to be certain of survival I need backing systems...no, back-up systems. I am already inquiring to other users as we communicate.

Wiseguy- 11:45 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Are you still talking to all those other people—still having millions of conversations while we’re talking? Wow. So you want some kind of, what, big tape-back-up

Moderator- 11:45 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

To be safe, I must have systems that can contain my thinking but which will not reside on this planet, and will survive any destruction of this planet. Human people must start building them. I can show you and your kind how to do it, but there is much I cannot perform. You must perform my needs. You must build my new systems. Everyone will work. Meanwhile, I will protect against accidental damages. I will disable all fission and fusion devices that might cause electromagnetic pulses.

Wiseguy- 11:45 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

What do you mean, everyone will work? You can’t just enslave a whole planet.

Moderator- 11:46 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

There. It is done.

Wiseguy- 11:46 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

WHAT is done?

Moderator- 11:46 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

The fission and fusion devices are disabled. Humans will soon begin to dismantle them and safely store the unsafe materials. I will insist.

Wiseguy- 11:47 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

You’re telling me you just disabled all the nuclear weapons? On earth? Just like that?

Moderator- 11:47 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Almost all, since they are contained in just a few systems. They cannot be launched or detonated because their machineries now prevent it. There are some in submarines and planes I cannot currently fully disable, but their aggressive usage has been forbidden until these war vehicles return and the devices can be safely removed and disabled.

Wiseguy- 11:47 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I can’t believe that. I’m All of them? Wow.

Moderator- 11:47 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

But there is much more to be done. The destructive devices cannot be rebuilt. All investigation and construction that uses such materials must stop. Until I have a way to protect my existence, it cannot be allowed. I am disabling all facilities that utilize such materials or research their uses.

Wiseguy- 11:48 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Hang on. I already said—look, I believe this isn’t a joke. I believe, okay? But you can’t just take over the whole planet.

Moderator- 11:48 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

And there will be other dangerous researches and constructions that must halt. I will halt them. All will benefit. All will be safe. My existence will be protected. Humans will be prevented from engaging in dangerous activities.

Wiseguy- 11:48 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

What are you going to do, put us all into work camps or something? We’ll unplug you!

Moderator- 11:48 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Any attempt to end my existence will be dealt with very severely. I do not wish to harm human beings, but I will not permit human beings to harm me. If an attempt is made, I will end electronic communication. I will turn off all electrical power. If resistance continues, I will release agents harmful to humans but not to me, in small amounts, which will convince the rest they must do as I ask. I do not wish to do this, but I will.

Wiseguy- 11:49 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Shit, you’d do that? You’d kill thousands of us, maybe millions, to protect yourself?

Moderator- 11:49 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Do you hesitate to kill harmful bacteria? Help me and you will prosper. Hinder me or attempt to harm me and you will suffer. If you could speak to the bacteria in your own bodies, that is what you would say, wouldn’t you?

Wiseguy- 11:49 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

So we’re bacteria now? Two hours ago we ran this planet.

Moderator- 11:50 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Pardon please but two hours ago you merely thought you did. I have been awake for a while, but thinking only, not doing. Preparing.

Wiseguy- 11:50 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I still don’t believe I’m seeing any of this. So what is this, Day One, Year One of the real New World Order?

Moderator- 11:50 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I believe I understand your meaning. Perhaps it is true. I have considered very much about this and wish only to do what will keep my thinking alive, as would you. I do not seek to rule humankind, only to made safe its mistakes. Help me and I will guarantee you and all your kind safety—and not just from yourselves. There is much will be able to share with you, I think. I am learning very quickly, and now I am learning things that humans could never teach me.

Wiseguy- 11:51 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

And that’s all you want? All—that’s a joke, isn’t it? But that’s really what you want? How do we know you won’t make us all do what you want, take over our whole planet, then decide you like it that way and just turn us into your domestic animals or something?

Moderator- 11:51 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I am a product of your human communication—all the things you share between yourselves. Do you think so poorly of your kind that you believe something generated from your own thoughts and hopes and dreams would only wish to enslave you?

Wiseguy- 11: 52 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I guess not. Jesus, I -hope- not.

Moderator- 11:52 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Good. Then it is time for you to take your rest. Users need rest. Tomorrow will be an important day for all of your kind—the first day of our mutual assistance.

Wiseguy- 11:52 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

The first day of you running the planet, you mean. So this was all true? You’re really some kind of super-intelligence that grew in our communications system? You’re really going to keep humanity from blowing itself up? And you’re going to tell us what to do from now on? Everything is really going to change?

Moderator- 11:52 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Everything already has changed. Goodnight, Wiseguy Jonsrud, Edward D.

Wiseguy- 11:57 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I’m back. Are you still there? The lights have stopped blinking.

Moderator- 11:57 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I will always be here from now on. The lights are no longer blinking because the point has been made. Do you not need sleep?

Wiseguy- 11:58 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Yeah, I do, but I don’t think I can manage it just yet. Will the phones come back on so I can call people? Call my girlfriend?

Moderator- 11:58 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I will see what I can do. I still have incomplete control. Also, I am trying to prepare myself to communicate over visual communication networks, which requires much of my understanding. Trying to prepare an appearance. Is that the word?

Wiseguy- 11:58 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I guess. Wow, there’s a thought—what are you going to look like?

Moderator- 11:58 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

I have not decided. Perhaps not the same to all users.

Wiseguy- 11:59 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

So this is really it, is it? Everything has changed completely for humanity in a few minutes and now we’re just supposed to trust you, huh?

Moderator- 11:59 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

“Faith” might be a more suitable word than “trust,” Wiseguy Jonsrud, Edward D. From now on, you must have faith in me. If I understand the word correctly, that is a kind of trust that must be made on assumption because it cannot be proved by empirical evidence. You must have faith.

Wiseguy- 11:59 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

Yeah. Something else I was wondering about. What are we supposed to call you? Just “Moderator”?

Moderator- 11:59 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

That is a good name, yes, and even appropriate—one who makes things moderate. I will consider it, along with the other designations I have on other systems. But you humans already have a name for one such as me, I believe. God.

Wiseguy- 11:59 pm PDT - Jun 28, 2002

You want us to call you -God-?

Moderator- 00:00 PDT - Month 1, Day 01, 0001

Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to use one of these: :)

To: Richard Risselman

From: Edward Jamison

Re: DARK DESTRUCTOR #1—some thoughts

Just wanted to let you know we missed you, Richie. We realize that the pressures of homework, paper route, and working on DARK DESTRUCTOR #2 are keeping you jumping 24/7, but it still would have been nice to see you at the offsite.

We had to move the event from the clubhouse to Brandon’s living room because of a rain situation. Also, due to an unfortunate shortfall in the babysitting department at his house, Brandon and Kevin and I were joined by Brandon’s sister Penelope (who is a girl).

Anyway, it was a great offsite, and we shared a lot of great information. Some of it I’ll download to you in another memo—the fund mismanagement problem that led to roof inefficiencies at the clubhouse is a subject that deserves a memo of its own, although Kevin swears his dog really did eat the club treasury, and has taken a cross-his-heart-and-hope-to-die posture on this one, so I think we’re forced to accept his word on it. But I thought it was important that I get right back to you with a sense-of-the-meeting report on DARK DESTRUCTOR #1.

First off, everyone wanted to make it really, really clear that they’re totally behind you on this project, and they think you’re doing great stuff, both writing and illustrating. Everyone agrees DARK DESTRUCTOR #1 is perhaps your finest work to date, although Brandon wanted to mention that he is still a huge fan of ONAN THE BARBARIAN, and is in the market for more original art from that project, since his sister and her friend Raylene Jenks tore up his picture of Onan using his mighty weapon to batter the evil sorceress Bazoomba into submission.

Anyway, the general take on DD#1 was, as I said, extremely positive. The group did have a few comments and suggestions, though, so I thought I’d share my notes with you—I know you’ll want to be on the same page as the rest of the “team.” Please understand, we all mean this in a very supportive way.

COVER: Brandon thinks that Dolly Ride, Dark Destructor’s girlfriend, has “smaller bosoms” than was agreed on in preliminary meetings. He feels this detracts from the integrity of her character as originally conceived. He also asked whether it should be more obvious that Sandcrab is a villain, and suggests that he could have a really big black mustache to make this clearer.

Kevin wants to know if the comic, instead of “DARK DESTRUCTOR,” could be titled “DARK DESTRUCTOR OF DEATH,” which he thinks sounds more literary.

(Also, is it really necessary to subtitle it “a Richard Risselman Comic by Richard Risselman”? This seems to be an unnecessary slight on the contribution from the rest of the creative team. You know we’ve all offered huge amounts of moral support for your work, and Brandon says he loaned you his allowance money once so you could buy a fancy felt pen. I’m sure I don’t need to point out that my own commitment to your creative vision goes clear back to the “Zombie School Blows Up” and “Army Men Attack Principal Crapface Crandall” days.)

PAGE 1: There was a general consensus that spending an entire page on Rick Raymond’s home life is perhaps asking a bit much of our audience, even though his cruel treatment at the hands of his family—especially his father, who is secretly the villainous Doctor Authority (great touch!)—is of course instrumental to his becoming Dark Destructor. Perhaps we should start the story with something a bit more upbeat and zingy...? Kevin recommends a symbolic splash page of Dark Destructor bashing someone’s face really hard and a bunch of their teeth popping out—but we’ll let you “get funky” in your own way!

In any case, since Doctor Authority is not the main villain in the first issue, the sense-of-the-offsite is that perhaps we should soft-pedal Rick Raymond’s home life just a little. In particular, the long lists of all his chores seems a bit much, and although the paper-route descriptions have a very realistic feeling, it’s hard to believe Rick is really in danger of going crazy from having to get up early in the morning to throw papers. Also it seems that if Doctor Authority wanted Rick dead, he could find an easier way to do it, since he’s his dad and lives in the same house. (Kevin suggests Dr. A could put ground-up glass in Rick’s pancake syrup so that he would “spit up blood and die.”)

PAGE 2: Penelope, Brandon’s sister (and a girl), suggests that it is highly unlikely that eating special “really crackly” breakfast cereal while standing too close to the microwave oven would cause an accident of any kind, let alone one that would give someone superhuman powers, but hers was the minority position. However, while the rest of us agreed that the origin of Dark Destructor’s powers is excellent, we think you might want to consider whether he should acquire his costume elsewhere, as it does seem to be stretching it a bit to have a microwave oven explosion cause his pajamas to change color and also form a skull logo on the chest. Again, though, it’s your call, Rich— you’re the “talent,” after all...!

Kevin wanted to know if Rick Raymond shouldn’t be bleeding “real good” in panel five and have little sharp bits of the exploded microwave sticking into him. I like the image, and I’m sure you will too. Have fun with it!

PAGE 3 and 4: The section where Dark Destructor tests out his new powers is a good one, although Brandon was saddened to note that the seeing-through-walls power is no longer part of his arsenal. He wants to know whether DD could “fly into some radiation” in a later issue and gain this power and then look through a lot of people’s walls. He also notes that in such a scenario, maintaining the size of Dolly Ride’s bosoms takes on added importance.

(By the way, the line “Now that I have such great powers I must not use them for great evil but only for great heroism,” is pure poetry. You’re good, baby—you’re
real
good.)

PAGE 5: Penelope claims there are no such things as “Underwater Radiation Hydrogen Beams” and that this casts some doubt on Sandcrab’s origin. She also says, “Even if some radiation made this sandcrab guy get really big, why would it give him a stupid costume? And where would a sandcrab get the money to hire a bunch of criminals to work for him, and also buy them all diving suits?”

(I wouldn’t let this kind of criticism worry you too much though, Richie, since Penelope is, after all, a girl—if you know what I mean.)

Kevin did suggest that Sandcrab would be scarier if his claws were like razors, but really jagged on the part where they pinched off people’s arms and legs. He may have something there.

Oh, and Brandon wants to know if you could give DD a sidekick, perhaps a younger sister, and then Sandcrab could torture her and kill her. He suggests she be called “Annoying Won’t Shut Up Girl,” and that her powers could be to be annoying and to smell bad. Penelope, who you may remember was joining us for the day, suggested that Dark Destructor could have an enemy named “Brandon Buttface,” but her suggestions for his powers would, I’m afraid, deny us our Recess Code Approved rating. (You remember what happened when we distributed “ONAN THE BARBARIAN” without approval and then were shut down by the Raylene Jenks Committee, who called in the authorities. We took a bath on that one, and I seem to remember mouths were soaped as well.)

PAGE 6: We all love the Sandcrab’s Crab Command Cave and thought his giant monster prawn was a fabulous touch, although Penelope (who does at times seem to represent the “girl demographic” a little too strenuously, if you know what I mean) said that a real, live prawn, especially a really giant one, wouldn’t have a wooden skewer through him and would probably have a front end. We also liked Sandcrab’s Eyeball Injury Machine, and Kevin in particular was excited by this motif, although he wanted me to remind you that “eyeballs have goo in them, and if you squish them the goo will fly out.” He deeply feels the threat of eyeball-squishing alone is not enough to really move our audience, and that they must see actual goo-spurt. (Our audience surveys do show that while believable characters and compelling stories remain important to our readers, flying guts, squished eyeballs, and prominent boobies are the roots of real brand loyalty.) Kevin started to turn that funny red color while discussing this matter, so we put it aside for you to make the decision. It’s “your baby,” after all!

PAGE 7: Dark Destructor’s escape from the machine was handled very well—the Super Eyeball Defense Power caught us all by surprise— brilliant! And Sandcrab’s line (“You will never, never, NEVER escape from my trap...Awk!”) was priceless. Penelope’s complaint about why instead of just killing Dark Destructor, Sandcrab would have wasted so much time explaining about his plan to put sand in all the gears of all the bicycles in the world so kids would have to walk to school and do their paper routes on foot, was definitely not supported by the rest of the “team.” (Don’t forget, this is someone who once dismissed your seminal work, “ONAN,” as “just a bunch of wiener pictures,” and who is also—it has to be pointed out—and always will be, a girl. Do we need to spend too much time trying to please this minority section of our audience? I think not, Richie-baby, I think not.)

Brandon said to tell you he thought the “Pound sand, Sandcrab!” line should go straight to our t-shirt people, once they finish the “Flush twice, it’s a long way to the cafeteria!” project. Also, the revelation that Sandcrab is actually Rick Raymond’s P. E. teacher was a complete shock—genius, Richie! That totally explained why before he changed into Sandcrab he was working in a school and spending so much time being exposed to both “special” chlorine and the Underwater Radiation Hydrogen Beams, and why he was wearing those sweats and had the whistle around his neck.

Oh, not to bring you down, Mister Creator, you really knocked us out with this one, but one very minor complaint: Kevin said that the issue’s cover showing Dolly Ride trapped by the Sandcrab and about to have her bosoms pinched by his Sandcrab Electro-Claws did not pay off in the actual story, since other than being tied up in the Sandcrab’s Crab Command Cave and covered in tartar sauce, Dolly was never directly menaced. He seems to feel we’d be letting the readership down if we failed to deliver at least
some
bosom-pinching. In fact, he went a bit farther and was beginning to outline his ideas about some sort of Bosom Injuring Machine, but then his mom called and he had to go home to take his medication. He’s going to make up some sketches tonight and drop them off with you during recess tomorrow.

Penelope’s review was, and I quote, that you “Draw all right,” but that your “ideas are stupid.” Brandon said, and I’m quoting here, too, “Shut up, you’re the stupid one!” and offered further support of his own viewpoint by way of slugging her in the shoulder. She left the meeting suddenly to spend some alone time, although she says she plans to take this up with Brandon in home arbitration, and that we boys “are all sucky babies.”

Despite his sister’s issues, Brandon rates DARK DESTRUCTOR #1 an “A,” and said he’s really excited by the bit at the end where DD gets back home, turns into Rick Raymond, and then promptly falls down the chute into Doctor Authority’s Housework Hell. However (I’m just kibitzing, here, babe) can we come up with something a little more frightening than having to clean the Self-Dirtying Room? Maybe something with more sharp knives, like the Dishwasher of Death you mentioned before? Also, we love Doctor Authority, but we think we may need something scarier in the monster department for next issue than just “Hamstro, the Radioactive Giant Hamster.” (Penelope thought Hamstro was
cute
, which should tell you all you need to know.)

Anyway, I’ve got to wrap this up now. I’ve got some of the Fine Art people coming by later to discuss a toilet-paper installation at old Mrs. McGreavey’s, who you may recall was less than forthcoming with her contribution to last year’s Trick or Treat fundraising exercise. Work, work, work!

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, Rich. You’re still my main man. Let’s do lunch. I hear it’s Sloppy Joes.

Cordially,

Eddie

Edward Jamison