The Virgin's Revenge (26 page)

“Because I said things to Locke that I shouldn’t have.”

Susie rolled her eyes. “Do you
really
think that?
Seriously
?”

“No,” Amanda sighed. “And yes. I’m confused.” About everything. One glance at her friend proved Susie was willing to stand there forever until she figured it out. “I know I was right to tell Locke the truth. I know it, down in my gut. I’m not sorry for standing up for myself. He was wrong, and I had every right to be angry at him.”

“But…” That was the thing about Susie. She really knew how to drag out a word in that way that stretched it into an entire sentence demanding explanation.

“I hurt him, Susie. I really hurt him.” She’d been angry but she hadn’t meant to cut so deep. “If you had seen his face…”

“Yeah, well, maybe if he had listened to you before.” Susie’s voice lacked its usual conviction.

“It’s not just that. He’s made his whole life about taking care of us and we’ve all grown up on him. Mostly,” she added, thinking of the elders and Andrew. And herself. Obviously, she had a lot of growing up still to do. “Everything he sacrificed for us. I think it bothers him more than he’s ever said, and I didn’t realize how much until I dug into him.
That’s
why he’s gone.
That’s
what I feel guilty about.” She’d gone to the house to try to talk to him, but his truck wasn’t there, and since no one else in the family touched it under pain of death, he had to have taken it somewhere. “I keep checking, waiting for him to come to work. He isn’t even answering his cell phone.”

“Because he’s out of cell range. According to Huey and Dewey over there, he’s at that cabin of his up in the mountains.” The one he used for absolute seclusion for a week out of the year so he didn’t “beat the living shit out of every living thing on Earth”, according to Andrew. Most everyone agreed it was a better explanation than the vastly understated “vacation”. “Which gives you a few days to get your act back together. Which leads to a way more important question. What are you going to do about Cole?”

Cry? Argue with herself for another five days? Admit she had screwed everything up so bad it probably wasn’t fixable? “I haven’t figured that one out yet.”

“You know…” Susie settled onto her stool. “When we first met, I thought you had everything together. Smart mind, good heart, a little under-experienced for your age, but overall, you know, a good egg.”

Amanda faced her, laying her head on her hand. “You change your mind?”

“No, but I have to admit, when it comes to men, you remind me more of a teenybopper in her older sister’s clothes.” And that would be Susie’s pull-no-punches friendship at work. “Why is that, do you think?”

“Because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”

Susie poked her in the shoulder. “That’s not true. Stop looking for copouts.”

Amanda sat up, rubbing her arm. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about you, pretending you’re an idiot when you’re not. You’re scared. Pure and simple. You’re scared and you’re hiding, just like you accused Locke of doing. Well, let me tell you, little pot, it’s a good time to try looking in the mirror.

“You came up with this ridiculous plan to seduce Cole because you didn’t want to put yourself out there for him to reject. You never once gave yourself the chance to believe that he could ever love you. Locke might have been wrong about what he did, but he wasn’t wrong about why. You put
yourself
on hold, Amanda. Maybe you have been kicking out of the box. You’ve come a long way toward standing on your own two feet and I’m proud of you for it, but it’s time you started taking risks, just like everyone else. If it doesn’t work, then at least you tried.”

Tears stung Amanda’s eyes, but she knew Susie was right. Absolute terror at just the thought of Cole turning away from her had her chest so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. The same as it had every time she’d faced telling him she knew about his deal with Locke. She hadn’t been able to put herself out there, but rather than accept that she didn’t have the confidence, she’d played a stupid game with Cole’s feelings. With her own.

He’d had the courage to get past his own fears and offer his heart to her.

She hadn’t.

Why are you alone?
The question she’d asked Locke. She should have asked herself.

“So what do I do now?”
How do I fix it?

Susie sighed and stood up, moving toward the rack in the front of the register, probably to straighten something that caught her eye. Just as quickly as she’d ducked down, she popped up and slapped a thong into Amanda’s hand. “Big girl games have big girl consequences, kiddo. Figure it out.”

Yeah, okay. But… “What are these for?”

“They’re big girl panties. Pull ’em up and deal. If I were you, I’d start by finding the really great guy who had the balls to not only fight your marauding hulk of a brother, but tell you that he loves you. If you can’t figure out what to do when you get there, I’m officially disowning you.”

Amanda checked her watch, dismayed to see there were hours yet until she was off.

“Oh, geez, get the hell out of here already. There’s no one coming today and I have some business to take care of myself. We’ll just close the shop early for once.”

“Are you serious?”

“Go, before I come to my senses.” Susie endured Amanda’s hug, grumbling the entire time. But she held on tight a few extra seconds before Amanda grabbed her purse and ran for the front door.

Maybe it was the bell ring echoing in her ears, but Amanda was almost positive she heard Susie wishing her luck as she left. Which was good, because she was absolutely going to need it.

Chapter Fourteen

It had been the crappiest week of his life, Cole decided, waking up in his bed to the unappreciated rays of late afternoon sun pouring all over his bed. It had been too hot to close the windows last night, and by the time he’d dragged himself to bed at seven in the morning, he hadn’t cared about closing the curtains. He’d have to remember to give a crap tomorrow. Waking up to blinding orange glare sucked.

Of course, if he just crashed on his couch, he wouldn’t have to worry about it. Definitely going with the couch next time. The couch didn’t make him comfortable enough to have dreams about a certain long-legged blonde who smelled like lilac and smiled like sunshine. The good kind.

He stumbled into his bathroom, taking care of the necessities in that half-asleep, maybe dreaming way he usually liked. Distantly aware of his mind making plans for the day while his consciousness dozed and kept dreaming. Of course, all of that ended when he splashed water on his face. Wide awake then, brain ringing in displeasure, he brushed his teeth and gave shaving a solid thirty-second consideration before deciding he didn’t care.

That had been the problem all week. He didn’t care about hardly anything. His projects bored him. He kept screwing up work, couldn’t seem to focus on the code and spent more time than he should daydreaming about Amanda knocking on his door.

Amanda in his arms when he woke up, her hair spilling all over his pillow…

Amanda kissing him as he fell asleep, her soft body warm and molded to his…

If ever a man could be haunted by a woman who was still flesh and blood, it was him. And if he thought it would do an ounce of good, he’d be right there on her doorstep, forcing her to deal with him. To see him. But if he had learned anything from his parents’ disaster of a marriage, it was that you
couldn’t
make someone else see you. Couldn’t make them love you. Couldn’t make them do a damn thing except hurt you more.

Amanda wasn’t the kind to hurt people on purpose, and he wasn’t about to have any part in making her into one. He could bide his time for a while. Lick his wounds. He had plenty of those. The black eye Locke had given him hadn’t even finished forming yet, leaving a purple bruise across his cheekbone and the side of his face, to say nothing of the various colors still darkening on his eye itself. The split lip was just a line now, though his cheek was still a mess on the inside. The bruises on the back of his neck were hard to see, so he told himself they weren’t too bad, as long as he didn’t poke them. Easily done.

A clinking noise in his kitchen caught his attention before he could settle into his chair and turn on the game console. He almost thought he imagined it, but there was also the impossible smell of cooking food coming from the same area.

Afraid to hope, Cole slowly pushed through the swinging door and had to blink a few times. “Amanda?”

She stood there, looking fresh and…well, wonderful. Jeans and a soft cream blouse that had just enough ribbon and lacy innocence to make a man think incredibly dirty thoughts. Pearl buttons gleamed, unsnapped, at her neck, showing hints of the golden skin his mouth actually watered to taste. She’d clipped her hair back from her face, so he couldn’t miss the flicker of her lashes or the tremble of her pink lips when she smiled at him.

She was nervous.

But all he wanted to do was yank her to him and kiss her senseless. She came. He didn’t care about anything else.

“I-I hope you don’t mind that I barged in,” she suddenly spouted. “You said to come, so I did. I used the emergency key you left at the house to get in—you really should use the chain. I knocked first, just in case.”

“What are you doing?” Like he cared. He curled his fingers into fists to keep them at his sides instead of reaching for her. If this was a dream, he didn’t want to screw it up by realizing it.

“I figured you’d been working when no one had seen you. I wanted to…make sure you were okay.”

“Oh.” He rubbed the back of his head. “No concussion—you don’t have to worry. I got checked out.”

She frowned. “Your vision doubled?”

“What? Oh, no, I just figured you were right. A few dents, nothing that won’t heal.”

“Good, I…I was worried.” She stirred the pot in front of her, where the heavenly smell was coming from. “I made soup for the boys, and I know you don’t take care of yourself when you work.”

She always accused him of that. “I survive.”

Amanda tipped her head toward the pot. “You’ll survive a little better with this. It’s clam chowder.”

He took a chance and stepped fully into the kitchen. “So if you cooked for your brothers, does that mean you forgave them?”

Her mouth softened into a grin. “There wasn’t a lot to forgive, really. As Andrew pointed out, Locke should have guessed I knew something was up when I didn’t freak out because none of them were ripping you a new one.”

Couldn’t argue that one. Surprisingly logical from the family musician. “So what does cooking for
me
mean?”

She stopped stirring. He held his breath, waiting as she tapped the spoon on the rim of the pot she had to have brought with her, then put it down on a paper towel she had on the counter. It took her a few more seconds to turn and face him, her expression more vulnerable than he’d ever seen it. Normally, she’d get herself in a fluster, trying to do a dozen things at the same time, teasing him into a joke or something to distract from her discomfort. But she just stood there, looking at him as if she could find something on his face to tell her it was all okay.

“You were right. Back at my house. You were right.” She blew out a breath, closing her eyes and looking like she was trying to find a center she’d lost. “You never actually lied to me.”

He saw the way her hands twisted each other and her cheeks turned a fiery red. “Amanda—”

“No, I have to say this, so just stay over there and let me through it. When I’m done, you can totally throw me out and I’ll completely understand. I’d deserve it, to be honest. But please, just let me say this.”

Cole swallowed the knot in his throat, though it came right back up, and nodded. He didn’t trust himself to say anything because odds were good he’d say something stupid like, “I don’t care, just stay with me.”

“I’m not a confident person. Maybe it’s my brothers’ fault, or maybe it’s just the way I am. I don’t know. I just…I let all these opportunities pass me by. Not because I didn’t want them but because I just, I was afraid, I guess. Afraid my life would change again.

“When my parents died, everything changed. Everything. I felt like I didn’t even breathe the same afterward. Locke did what he could to keep us going. Not just as a family but as individuals. He made sure none of us lost ourselves in grief. It got to be automatic to let him make the decisions. To expect it of him. To resent him when it wasn’t what I really wanted. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do, but that’s what I did. He didn’t deserve that, and you didn’t deserve for me to take it out on you. You especially didn’t deserve for me to play stupid games with your feelings.”

“Or my body,” he added.

She sighed, her eyes falling shut with what looked a lot like mortification. “Or your body.”

“But if I asked you to, would you?”

“Cole.” She didn’t want to laugh, her mouth pursing until it was almost pinched. Terrible thing to do to such lush, delicious lips. “Do you want this apology or not?”

“Not really, no. I told you that morning after the fight. We all made mistakes. I wanted to start over right then.”

Her eyes flew open and her jaw dropped. How was he supposed to turn down an invitation like that?

Letting go of his relaxed demeanor, Cole stalked over and cupped her jaw in both hands before claiming her mouth. He didn’t care if it hurt his mouth, he had to have a taste of her. Breathe in her sigh and her scent and feel her melt into him. She kissed him back, just as hungrily, just as desperate, and finally everything felt right again. It felt like it was supposed to be.

He held her that way, savoring her, the way she wrapped her arms around his waist. Only when he had filled his senses with her, his hand buried in her hair, was he able to pull back. Even then, he had to look down at her, satisfied that her flush had nothing to do with embarrassment this time. Her lips were slick and swollen, inviting more kisses. Invitations he had every intention of accepting.

But something had to be settled first.