Authors: Jennifer Joyce
‘Are you ready to go back in there?’ Adam asks when our lunch hour is up. Every instinct is telling me to run in the opposite direction, but that won’t pay the bills. Unfortunately.
‘Let’s go.’
We make our way back to the Portakabin, where Katey-Louise is still preening in front of her mirror.
‘He doesn’t fancy you, you know,’ Katey-Louise tells me as I sit down at my desk. I’m sandwiched between her and Adam – it’s like the good cop, bad cop of the office world.
‘I don’t want him to fancy me.’ This is only half true. I’m no longer interested in men beyond proving a point to Ben, but it would be quite nice if somebody like Adam found me attractive.
Hey, I’m only human.
Online Dating
Text Message:
Unknown Number:
I think we should break up
Delilah:
What?
Unknown Number:
I’m really sorry but it’s just not the same since we met up in real life. I think we should have kept it online xxx
Delilah:
I think you have the wrong number
Unknown Number:
Oops! How did it come across though? Too harsh? Do you think she’ll understand? Are the xxxs patronising?
‘What about meeting guys online?’
Lauren and I are mid-vigorous workout at the gym, sweat dripping from our exhausted bodies as we push them to their limits. Just kidding. We are at the gym but we’re strolling on neighbouring treadmills like a couple of Edwardian ladies taking an afternoon wander around the grounds of their picturesque estate.
I’m not put off by my mishap with Dan and the five pound note. I can understand he was hurt and angry by my rejection, even if Lauren can’t. She’d been deeply troubled by the way Dan had vented his feelings.
‘How could he do this? Look, he’s scrawled all over the queen. Poor Lizzie!’
‘It could have been worse,’ I’d pointed out. ‘It could have been a tenner he’d defaced.’
Ryan had found the whole thing hysterical and I’d had to take over pen duty at the quiz as he was laughing so hard he couldn’t write legibly (but at least I had a useful task at the quiz for once. FYI, we came last.
Quelle
surprise).
Despite my dating disasters with Dan and Jack, I’m not put off trying again and I’m determined to bag myself a boyfriend in time for Francesca’s wedding, but I’m not too sure meeting men online is the way to go.
‘Have you forgotten what happened with Eric?’
Eric was an ex-boyfriend (pre-Ben, obviously!), who I met online in a musicals appreciation chat room. There was never a dull moment with Eric around – he could make washing up the most exhilarating task – but it wasn’t to be. Four months into the relationship, Eric burst out of the closet – quite literally. It happened during a trip to Ikea (an excursion planned by Eric for this very reason). He disappeared inside a huge wardrobe, claiming he was going to find Narnia but instead found his true self. Or at least the courage to let it out.
‘I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay!’ Eric had proclaimed as he burst through the doors. Leaping onto a nearby bed, he hopped across the shop floor across the display beds like a frog hopping from lily pad to lily pad until he landed on the ground with a pirouette.
The signs had been there all along but I’d been having too much fun to mind.
‘Eric was fab,’ Lauren says with a wistful sigh. ‘I miss him.’ I’d remained friends with Eric after we split up. He’d been a brilliant companion to have around and never grew bored of watching musicals with me but he’d moved away to California to be with a bloke he’d met in the chat room eighteen months ago. I’m happy for him, I really am, but I miss him too.
‘Anyway,’ Lauren says. ‘You don’t have to meet guys in chat rooms any more. There’s online dating.’
‘I guess…’ I’m not bowled over with excitement about the idea but I’m not ready to reject it either. It isn’t as though I’ve got any ideas of my own tucked up my sleeve. ‘We could give it a go, I suppose.’
‘Yes!’ Lauren jumps off the treadmill and grabs my hand, tugging me out of the room (I say tugging but there is little resistance. I’m more than happy to leave).
‘Can’t I at least have a smoothie before we go?’ We’ve showered and changed and Lauren is now guiding me towards the exit and past the juice bar. Those smoothies are my treat for getting through our workouts; it’s exhausting pretending to exercise.
‘We don’t have time,’ Lauren insists and I give in and allow myself to be dragged out to the car park. ‘We’ll go to my place and get you set up before you change your mind. Text Ryan and see if he’ll meet us there. We could use a male perspective to give you the best chance.’
I try not to take offence at the implication that I can’t find a date by simply being myself. ‘Ryan’s on a date tonight.’
‘Another one? That’s three already this week.’
I shrug. ‘Eleanor’s stepped it up a gear. She wants grandchildren, apparently.’
Lauren lives in a one-bedroom flat above a hairdressers. It’s pretty small but Lauren has made it cosy and I love hanging out here. Mostly because it’s a place away from Mum, Dad and my little brother. The flat is accessed from a door at the back of the property and we find Ryan waiting for us in the tiny shared hallway, chatting to the guy who lives in the basement flat. Lauren says a quick hello before she dives into her flat, pulling me inside with her. Throwing her gym bag on the sofa, she moves across to the desk squeezed into the corner of her sitting room and switches on the computer.
‘Do you hang around Lauren’s flat often?’ I tease when Ryan joins us a moment later.
‘No, I just figured this is where you’d be.’ Ryan flops down on the sofa, stretching out his legs and resting his feet on the coffee table.
Lauren bats his feet down again. ‘What happened to your date?’
‘Nothing happened to it. I went on it. Now it’s finished.’
‘This early?’ Lauren rummages in her gym bag, dragging out the leggings and cropped top she wore for our session.
Ryan nods. ‘It was just dinner.’
Lauren moves into the kitchen with her washing, returning empty handed. ‘Why do you even bother going on these dates?’
Ryan grins. ‘A boy’s got to eat. I’m not going to turn down a free meal.’
Lauren gasps. ‘You make them pay?’
Ryan holds up his hands. ‘I don’t make them do anything. But if they offer…’
‘How chivalrous.’ Lauren’s lip is curled in distaste but Ryan simply shrugs his shoulders.
‘Women are more than happy for a guy to pay so if you want equality… Besides, it ensures they’re not too keen for a second date.’
‘Why don’t you just tell your mum to back off?’ Lauren asks, and Ryan and I both laugh. Lauren clearly doesn’t know Eleanor like we do. ‘What happens when you find a girl you do like? Will she back off then?’
Ryan rubs his chin. ‘Interesting. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted long enough to find out.’ Ryan joins Lauren at the computer and loops his arm around her shoulders. ‘How about we hook up and see what happens?’
‘Ugh.’ Lauren shudders. ‘Don’t even kid about that kind of thing.’
‘I’m hurt.’ Ryan unhooks himself from Lauren and perches on the edge of the desk. Lauren pushes him off again. ‘What are we up to?’
Lauren starts tapping on the keyboard now the computer has loaded up. ‘We’re setting Delilah up on an online dating site.’
I feel a little bit sick.
‘I’ll go and put the kettle on.’ I busy myself in Lauren’s compact kitchen while Lauren begins the process. By the time I’ve made the teas and coffees, Lauren is tapping away at the keyboard like there’s no tomorrow, with Ryan chipping in with words and phrases every now and then.
‘How’s it going?’ I’m not actually sure I want to know the answer but I ask anyway.
‘We’ve registered you on Love Today and now we’re just sorting out your profile.’ Lauren continues to tap away as she speaks. I read over her shoulder.
User Name
Delicious_Delilah24
Age
24
Location
Woodgate, Greater Manchester
About Me
Hi there! I’m Delilah and I’m a fun and easy going girl who’s looking for romance (no time-wasters or scammers please). I work in admin but in my spare time I like going to the gym, trips to the cinema and good food.
Likes
A laugh, dimples and the odd pint
Dislikes
Boring men, workaholics and sex on a first date
‘Sex on a first date?’ I splutter. ‘You can’t put that. You can’t put anything about sex. What if my dad reads it?’
‘Why would your dad be looking at a dating website?’ Ryan asks. ‘He’d be in more trouble than you if he was.’
‘Besides, it’ll put off the men who are only after an easy ride,’ Lauren says. ‘Shall I submit it?’
I scan the screen again. ‘It doesn’t say anything about musicals. That should be in the “likes” bit.’
Lauren swivels in her chair to observe me. ‘Let’s not fall into the Eric trap again.’
‘But it says I like the gym.’ I point at the offending words. ‘I do not like the gym.’
Ryan shrugs. ‘We couldn’t think of anything else to put. Being a fan of pyjamas doesn’t sound that appealing to blokes.’
‘It gives the impression of a sloth,’ Lauren says. It feels like they’re ganging up on me.
‘Fine,’ I huff. ‘Submit it.’
‘Oh, wait.’ Lauren whips her mobile out and aims it at my face. ‘I just need a pic for your profile. Say cheese, Delicious Delilah!’
So I end up with a partly-fictional profile on Love Today. Now all I have to do is wait for the dates to start pouring in and then Project Wedding Date will be back on track.
Another First Date
Text Message:
Ben:
Hey, Delilah. Still on for tonight?
Delilah:
Yes. Can’t wait!
Ben:
Me either! Have you thought about what you’d like to do? I thought we could go for dinner and then go and see a film
Delilah:
Sounds good!
Ben:
Great. I’ll book a table and tickets. Pick you up at 7
Despite my reservations about online dating, I find that I quite like the Love Today site. I’m itching to sneakily log into my account to see if I have any new messages but Denise has other ideas.
‘Delilah, I need you to take this over to Fred O’Mara.’ Denise wafts a piece of paper in the air without taking her eyes off her computer screen. Fred O’Mara is one of the supervisors on the shop floor and I don’t mind running errands like this as it at least gets me out of the office for a few minutes. I slow my pace once I’m out of the Portakabin, milking my reprieve for all it’s worth. The factory is only a matter of feet away but I stretch the walk out for as long as possible before I push my way inside. The sound is deafening as I move along the walkways, waving to familiar faces and even stopping for a quick chat with a couple of the girls. Fred’s office is up a pair of rickety-looking metal steps, its grimy windows looking down on the shop floor. I make my way up, knocking loudly on the door so that I’m heard above the din.
‘Come in!’
Fred is sitting at his desk, half-hidden by files and loose sheets of paper. I waft the sheet of paper at him.
‘Denise asked me to give you this.’
‘What is it?’
I shrug my shoulders but I’m not sure Fred can see me through his workload. ‘No idea.’ I sit down on the vacant seat while Fred reads the note, in case I have to return a message. Plus, it gives me a few more seconds before I have to return to the office.
Fred grunts and adds the piece of paper to the toppling pile on his desk. ‘Thanks, love.’
‘Do you need me to take a message back to Denise?’
Fred leans over so he can wink at me around the clutter. ‘None you’d want to repeat.’
‘Gotcha.’ I reluctantly stand and make my way back down the rickety staircase and along the walkway to the doors. Sunlight threatens to scorch my retinas as I step out of the factory and stroll back towards the Portakabin.
‘Where is everyone?’ I ask as I step inside. The office was full when I left but now only Adam remains. Not that I’m complaining about the lack of Brinkleys. It’s nice. Peaceful.
‘Neville’s taken them out for lunch.’ Adam rubs his hands together. ‘Which means we get to raid the biscuit tin.’
I gasp, my eyes wide. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’
Neville has a secret stash of Brinkley’s biscuits in his office, although it isn’t quite as secret as Neville thinks. Adam and I know its location and we dip into it whenever the opportunity arises. We only ever take one or two each, hoping Neville won’t notice, which he hasn’t so far.
With a cup of tea, a Fudge Sundae and a Sticky Toffee Pudding biscuit, I sit down at my computer and log on to the Love Today site. I’ve had a bit of interest since Lauren set up my account and I’ve been chatting to a couple of guys. William is thirty-three and a single dad to two-year-old twins. He’s a pharmacist and quite sweet. Then there’s Vincent, a twenty-six-year-old insurance consultant, who is much more fun than his job might suggest. I’ve been exchanging messages with both of them for around a week now but there have been no plans to meet up in real life yet.
I have two new messages; one from William, wishing me a happy Monday (if such a thing exists) and one from a profile I’ve never seen before.
To:
Delicious_Delilah24
From:
Wolfgang_Schmitt
Hello Delicious Delilah! How very good it is to meet you. I am Wolfgang Schmitt and I am looking for love! I am not a time waster or scammer but I am a very nice gentleman who would like to get to know a lovely lady like you. Please reply!
I click on Wolfgang’s profile and see that he is German but now living in Manchester city centre (in a lovely apartment, apparently). He seems quite sweet, if a little desperate. It will do no harm if I reply.
‘What are you up to?’ Adam asks from behind me. I jump, almost sloshing tea down my front. I swear he’s a ninja on the sly.