Authors: Jennifer Joyce
‘If you say so…’
‘Tell her, Lauren. Tell her how handsome and charming I am.’ Ryan puts his arm on Lauren’s shoulder and pulls her in towards his chest. ‘You wouldn’t be ashamed to date me, would you?’
‘Pur-lease.’ Lauren rolls her eyes. ‘I’d rather date Porno Patrick than you, mate.’
‘I think the lady doth protest too much.’ Ryan squeezes Lauren and drops a kiss on top of her head. ‘I think the lady wants me. Badly.’
‘The lady thinks you stink of BO.’
Ryan drops Lauren like a hot potato and gives his pits a good sniff. ‘I do not. Delilah, do I smell?’ Ryan looms towards me, arm held up in the air as he aims his pit at my nose. I hop away just in time.
‘No, Ryan, you do not smell.’ I’m not saying this just to be kind; Ryan has very good hygiene practices.
‘I was kidding.’ Lauren puts herself between us and takes each of our hands. ‘Come on, let’s go back to the party. I left my drink in the kitchen and I need something to block out the image of you two snogging.’
Lauren leads us out of the little office and into the sitting room, which is en route to the kitchen and Lauren’s glass of wine. Clara sees us enter the room and pounces, with Graham and Patrick following closely behind.
‘You and Ryan are together?’ My sister asks the question like I’ve just announced my intention to marry a poodle, her voice loud with a mixture of horror and intrigue. ‘Since when?’
‘It’s quite a recent thing.’ I keep my voice low. Clara’s dramatic swoop has caused several heads to turn in our direction, including Mum and Dad’s. I know Ryan wants to tell the world, but I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.
‘I thought you were dating that other guy.’ Clara waves her hand about. ‘What was his name?’
‘Ricky,’ Graham – unhelpfully – pipes up.
‘I told you it was recent,’ I say weakly.
‘Who is Ricky?’ Patrick is not at all impressed that I not only have a boyfriend but some sort of ex lurking too. I wouldn’t label Ricky an ex personally, but Patrick doesn’t know we only went on two dates.
‘He’s someone I’d rather not talk about, thank you very much,’ Ryan says rather pompously and I have to press my lips together pretty tightly to stop myself from giggling. Lauren isn’t having as much success as I am and is giggling into her palm.
‘What’s going on here?’
All my giggles vanish the instant I hear Mum’s voice. She’s striding across the room with Dad tagging along.
‘Delilah and Ryan are an item.’ Clara’s poodle-marriage voice is back.
‘But Ricky only dumped her a few days ago,’ Mum says.
‘Mum!’ What is it with my family and their annoying unhelpfulness?
‘Never mind Ricky.’ Ryan, quite masterfully, takes me in his arms and dips me slightly. ‘Delilah is with me now.’ To prove his point, Ryan dips his head and snogs the life out of me. It’s quite breath-taking and if it wasn’t my best friend on the other end of those lips, I might have enjoyed it.
‘Blimey.’ Patrick takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and mops his brow. I can’t help wondering who actually carries cotton handkerchiefs these days. And what else he’s been mopping up with it this evening.
‘Oh my.’ Mum looks flustered but thrilled at the display Ryan has put on. ‘Look at that, Raymond. Delilah and Ryan. Didn’t I tell you they were perfect for each other?’
She did? Eww.
‘You certainly did.’ Dad nods effusively. ‘I thought it was a load of hokum but look at the two of them. They’re in love. You can see it a mile off!’
Can you? I sincerely hope not.
‘You can, can’t you?’ Mum looks like she’s about to cry. I can’t blame her. I want to cry too. ‘I’m so pleased for you. For both of you.’ She reaches out and squeezes both of our shoulders. ‘You make a smashing couple. You really do.’ Mum gives a sniff and excuses herself before going off in search of a tissue.
‘How did this happen?’ Clara is staring at us in wonder, her eyes darting from our faces to our hands, which Ryan has linked together.
‘It was Ricky, wasn’t it?’ Ryan says, thinking on his feet. Thankfully one of us is on the ball. I just want to go home and pretend none of this is happening. It was one thing fooling Francesca into thinking Ryan and I were together but now we have to keep up this pretence in front of my family for the next few weeks. And Mum is going to be devastated when I dump Ryan after the wedding (there is no way I’m being dumped again. No way at all).
‘I thought you didn’t want to talk about Ricky.’ Patrick has joined the unhelpful gang.
Ryan decides to ignore him. ‘I was so jealous when I saw them together and I realised I’ve been hiding my feelings for Delilah for years.’
‘Feelings? You actually are in love?’ Mum is back and at hearing Ryan’s words is making good use of the wad of kitchen roll she’s brought back with her.
‘Yes. We’re in love.’ Ryan once again takes me in his arms and gives me another damn good snogging. By the time we’ve come back up for air, the small crowd has dissipated. Patrick is now across the room, shooting daggers at my new beau.
‘That was the most surreal and disgusting thing I have ever seen,’ Lauren says. She’s the only one who has remained within earshot of us.
‘Hey, it had to be done.’ Ryan winks and I’m glad I didn’t eat that cardboard-y cream cheese canapé earlier otherwise it would be now sitting on my shoes.
‘Thanks for all your help tonight.’ I place the palm of my hand on Ryan’s cheek and smile lovingly at him. ‘But if you ever put your tongue in my mouth again, I’ll bite it off, ok?’
Ryan nods. ‘Understood.’
‘I’m going to need a bigger glass of wine,’ Lauren says as she wanders off towards the kitchen.
Being Ryan’s Girlfriend
Text Message:
Unknown Number:
Hi Delilah. You don’t know me but I’m Yvette, Ryan’s girlfriend. I copied your number from his phone (hope you don’t mind LOL). Have you heard from Ryan? How is he? How is his gran? I’m so worried about him. I haven’t heard from him since last night when he rushed off to the hospital!
Delilah:
Ryan’s fine. Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be in touch
Unknown Number:
Hello again! It’s been two hours and I still haven’t heard from Ryan. Can you ask him to call me?
Mum’s in the garden at the front of the house when I arrive home from work. She works part-time as a receptionist at a local estate agents and during the warmer months she spends any spare time outside. She’s always been an outdoorsy type of person. As kids, we’d go camping while our friends jetted off to Spain or Florida, experiencing the sometimes harsh British summers under a thin canopy. It’s only just beginning to grow warm but Mum’s in her element as she weeds the beds around the lawn.
‘Hello, love.’ Mum looks up when she hears the creak of the gate and wipes her forehead with the back of her hand, leaving behind a grimy smear. ‘Good day at work?’
I think about Katey-Louise’s attention-seeking efforts during the day (including dropping and retrieving her pen several times, thus shoving her bum in Adam’s face) and Adam’s refusal to be drawn into her little games.
‘Yeah, not bad.’ I close the gate behind me. ‘Do you need any help with anything?’
‘No thanks.’ Mum wrestles with a tough bit of weed, coaxing it out of the ground and adding it to a compostable bin liner by her knees. ‘I’m almost done. Your dad’ll be on his way home and I’ve sent him to pick up a takeaway curry.’ Mum gathers up the ends of the bag and ties them loosely. ‘Do you want to invite your Ryan over? Your dad always orders too much and it’ll be nice for us all to get together.’
Not if it means Ryan has to snog me to keep up the bogus relationship pretence. ‘He can’t. He has a meeting at school and won’t be back until late.’
‘Oh.’ Mum gives a weary sigh and rises to her feet, brushing her hands over her old, grubby leggings. ‘Never mind. Maybe he can come over for Sunday lunch?’
‘He has football training.’ I’m not even lying about this one (there is no meeting at school tonight). Ryan and I have been ‘together’ for a couple of weeks now but the porkies aren’t becoming any more palatable, especially when it comes to Mum.
‘He’s very dedicated to the job, isn’t he?’ Mum picks up the weed-filled bag and drops it into the compost recycling bin. ‘You must be so proud of him. I can’t believe you’re going to be a teacher’s wife! How glamorous.’
‘Hey, hey, hey!’ I scurry after Mum, following her into the house and through to the kitchen. ‘Who said anything about marriage?’
Mum has clearly taken the news of my relationship with Ryan and run with it, gaining so much speed I can’t possibly keep up with her.
‘I suppose you don’t have to get married these days, but it’d be a shame not to.’ Mum rolls up her sleeves and turns on the hot tap. ‘Partner doesn’t have the same prestige, does it?’
‘Prestige? When did you become such a snob? You’re starting to sound like Eleanor.’
Mum gasps. I think she’s let the hot tap run too long and scalded herself at first but it’s much worse than that.
‘Eleanor! I completely forgot about that ghastly woman. Just think, she’ll be your mother-in-law. Or whatever the term is when you’re partners.’
‘Mum, please. It’s far too soon to be thinking about things like that.’
Mum squirts a good blob of lemon-scented soap into the palm of her hand and lathers up. ‘Not really. Not when you think about it. You and Ryan are practically childhood sweethearts.’
‘We are not.’ I get an unpleasant feeling in my tummy. I love Ryan, but not like that.
‘Not technically, no.’ Mum rinses off the soap and dries her hands. ‘But you’ve been friends since you were tiny. You know everything about each other already so it’s not like starting from scratch.’
‘I suppose so,’ I say. The alternative is standing up on one of the kitchen chairs and declaring the farce that mine and Ryan’s relationship really is. I’ve thought about telling Mum the truth. We had to play along at Clara’s party because Patrick was there and we’d look like fools (to say the least) if we admitted we’d been lying to him in the office. But Patrick isn’t here now and although I’d look pretty foolish admitting the truth to Mum, I’ve looked like a fool a million times in front of her before.
‘I’m so pleased for you, you know.’ Mum places her lemony hands on my cheeks and kisses me on the forehead. ‘Your dad and I were starting to get worried about you after Ben. We were worried about you while you were with Ben, if I’m honest. You seemed to shrink in on yourself while you were with him but look at you now. Ryan’s done that for you. He’s brought you to life again!’
Girl Power was obviously lost on Mum.
Even still, I can’t bear to burst her bubble. Yes, I am a wuss, but my intentions are good if nothing else.
‘Isn’t he wonderful?’ I gush.
‘And hunky too. You’ve done well for yourself there.’ Mum winks before she toddles off to change out of her grimy clothes and I get that funny tummy feeling again.
Ryan and Lauren think it’s hilarious that Mum described Ryan as ‘hunky’. It’s later that evening and we’re in The Farthing. Dan isn’t working tonight so I can actually relax with my pint for a change.
‘Hunky? Him?’ Lauren points at Ryan and splutters.
‘Hey.’ Ryan stops laughing and frowns at Lauren. ‘I am hunky. Just ask Delilah’s mum.’
I didn’t want to burst Mum’s bubble earlier but I have no qualms about taking a giant pin to Ryan’s. ‘I wouldn’t read too much into that. She also describes Norris Cole from Corrie as hunky too.’
This makes Lauren howl, though Ryan refuses to join in the laughter this time.
‘Anyway.’ I drain the dregs from my glass and stand up, knowing Dan isn’t working tonight. ‘Who wants another drink?’
It feels quite novel to be making my way to the bar, although I do double check that Dan hasn’t sneaked into the pub and popped himself behind the bar before I fully commit myself to the job. Ryan and Lauren are huddled together when I return with the drinks.
‘Lauren’s just had an idea,’ Ryan says as I place the drinks down on the table and sit on my stool. He shuffles forward and puts his arm around me.
‘What are you doing?’ I look around the pub, expecting to see Mum or Patrick heading towards us.
‘Smile.’ Ryan holds out his arm, his phone clutched in his hand at the other end. He takes a photo, tutting as he examines it. He deletes the photo before stretching out his arm again and giving me a squeeze.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask again.
‘Taking a selfie to put on Facebook as proof of our love. So get a smile on your face, woman.’
‘Shouldn’t it go on my Facebook? So Francesca can see it?’ I grab my own phone and take the photo before posting it on Facebook. Within minutes it has three likes; one each from Clara and Graham and one, joyfully, from Francesca.
‘Looks like our plan’s working,’ Ryan says. ‘How does it feel to be dating Woodgate’s most eligible bachelor?’
‘Necessary,’ I tell him. ‘It feels necessary.’
‘You say that now.’ Ryan puts his arm – unnecessarily – around my shoulders. ‘But give it three weeks and you’ll be totally in love with me.’
I unpeel Ryan’s arm from my shoulder, barely able to mask my distaste. ‘I doubt that very much. You’re a great friend, Ryan.’ He really is. Who else would go along with my silly plans, let alone volunteer for a starring role? ‘But you’d make a lousy boyfriend.’
‘You what?’ Ryan’s eyes widen as he twists in his seat to face me. ‘I’m fantastic boyfriend material.’ Ryan lifts his hand so he can tick his good points off on his fingers. ‘I have my own house, a decent job, I can cook – sort of – and I’m pretty tidy.’ Ryan holds out his other hand as I start to interrupt with an objection to that last statement. ‘Yes, I am tidy. You’re just being picky now.’
‘Speaking of picky,’ I say. ‘When was the last time you had a girlfriend?’
Ryan has a really good think about this. It’s a tough question. ‘Does Yvette count?’ I shake my head. ‘Ok, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a proper relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m not any good at it. I just haven’t found the right girl yet.’
‘And you think that’s me?’
‘Eww, no.’ Ryan screws up his nose, which obviously inflates my ego to enormous proportions. I doubt I’ll be able to fit my big head through The Farthing’s door on the way out. ‘I said you’d fall in love with me, not the other way round.’