The Wedding Diaries (35 page)

Dancing (after meal – about 10pm):

‘Good Fortune’ – PJ Harvey

Because a party’s not a party without some PJ Harvey (= not a catchphrase I expect to catch on).

‘Mis-Shapes’ – Pulp

Isn’t it funny when all those men and women who have always been beautiful and popular sing and dance along to Pulp songs like they know anything about alienation? Oh, leave them alone. It’s your wedding day.

‘I Wanna Dance with Somebody’ – Whitney Houston

Oh, Whitney. Mums (and all other people with ears) love this.

‘She Bangs the Drums’ – The Stone Roses

Such a great intro. See those former indie kids suddenly flock to the dance floor.

‘If You Wanna Be Happy’ – Jimmy Sou
l

The consensus on this song seems to be ‘Never play this at a wedding’, but I think it’s a handy sense of humour test. If anyone, including and especially the bride, finds the lyrics inappropriate, they’d best be off.

‘Toxic’ – Britney Spears

Floor-filler. No question.

‘Blaze of Glory’ – Bon Jovi

You might think that ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’, classic of many a sweaty ironic club night out, would be better, but I actually hate it. There. I’ve said it. ‘Blaze of Glory’, though – that’s basically Warren G’s ‘Regulate’ for ten-year-old girls. Oh
yeeeaaaah
.

‘Oliver’s Army’ – Elvis Costello

Even if it gets you into trouble with writers of military fiction, this is a bloody brilliant tune.

‘Smooth Criminal’ – Alien Ant Farm

While we’re in full-on iconoclasm mode, I … I think this is a really good version of the song. Whoah. That feels a lot better.

‘Beautiful Stranger’ – Madonna

A controversial choice, I know, but I think it’s an absolute kicker to dance to. Even the middle-aged will want to shake it to this.

Everyone’s gone nuts (10pm – taxis/the police
are called):

‘Twist and Shout’ – The Beatles

The best wedding I ever went to played this three times. I’m unable to say if the two things are related. But it should be a legal requirement of weddings that you have to play this at least once.

‘Burning Down the House’ – Talking Heads

Yeah. Like you need me to explain why this is here. Come on.

‘Ça Plane Pour Moi’ – Holly Golightly

Banging guitars and miles better than the original (sorry, Bertrand). If you don’t dance to this your ears are broken.

‘Infinity Guitars’ – Sleigh Bells

Sometimes I fantasise that I’m about to be swept up in a huge dance routine, and everyone on the street will know all the moves and carry me off somewhere fabulous. If anyone truly loved you, they would organise a huge choreographed number to this track, all the women at the wedding sweeping around the dance floor, clapping and stomping and snarling, and looking as if they’re about to eat the world. That would be an
amazing
wedding present.

‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ – Nirvana

It doesn’t matter where I hear this: petrol station shop sound system, someone’s tinny headphones, a funeral. I will be DANCING.
Hard
. As will your guests.

‘Sabotage’ – Beastie Boys

Amazing. Even better if everyone can sing along (please provide song sheets for those new to the Beasties).

‘Fell in Love With a Girl’ – White Stripes

I know not everyone digs Meg White’s drumming, but I think this is bloody wonderful. Dance time!

‘Rock Star’ – Hole

Say what you like about Courtney Love, but back in the day she sure could rock. A classic jumping-up-and-down number.

‘212’ – Azealia Banks

Proper mind-bogglingly filthy lyrics, but an absolutely unstoppable tune. Brilliant.

‘Dancing in the Dark’ – Bruce Springsteen

This should be used in hospitals to test lower brain function. Impossible to hear without moving.

DO NOT PLAY

For some reason, people seem to think these are acceptable songs to play as they walk down/up the aisle (all bets are off for actual party music – you can play D.I.V.O.R.C.E. for all I care). If you don’t know why they’re not, take a minute to look at the lyrics:

‘The One I Love’ – REM

‘I Will Always Love You’ – Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston

‘Every Breath You Take’ – The Police

‘When a Man Loves a Woman’ – Percy Sledge

‘Kiss the Bride’ – Elton John

Having said that, the two songs that played as our ceremony finished were The Lemonheads’ cover of ‘Mrs Robinson’, followed by Billy Idol’s ‘White Wedding’. So really, the world’s your lobster.

Flowers

If I was a millionaire, I’d buy fresh flowers every day (although if I was a millionaire, I suppose I’d actually be getting my butler to do that kind of menial work while I lay in my bath of goat milk for all the hours the sun was up). I think they are the loveliest thing, and the nicest way to make a room or occasion feel special. And wedding-wise, it’s the kind of thing that your mum/aunt/bridesmaid/the girlfriend of one of the guests might really enjoy helping with, and thus feel even more involved and in love with your whole bash.

I think anything is acceptable, really, besides lilies (death), orchids (corporate office decoration), sunflowers (you’re not eleven) and gerberas (everything that’s wrong with wedding flowers). All of the flowers below are, of course, just suggestions; their seasons come and go and it may be that they just aren’t around for your wedding. If you feel capable of growing something (or have someone else to do it for you –
perfect
mum job), you can just buy a few plain pots and plant away. If you can find some nice old plant pots in a charity shop, these can be really nice gifts for the wedding party/in-car soil dispersants on the way to the venue/things to clutter up your home for months after your wedding day. But they can cost mere pennies per table, and look pretty smart. If growing flowers is beyond you, you can always do herbs, in scrubbed-out tin cans. Edible plants at the table look wonderful and smell totally delicious (because there’ll always be some idiot muttering to their friends, ‘I simply cannot stand the smell of Sweet Williams/marigolds/lilacs/hyacinths’), particularly mint, basil and coriander, and even I can grow those.

Fortunately, flower-fashions are such at the moment that pretty much anyone can bang some flowers in a vase and make it look nice (although I’m sure a florist would do it better), but weddings seem to make flower arrangements – as with so much else – so over-elaborate and eighties-ish. You can go down that route if you want – really, it’s your onions if you want to pay hundreds of quid to have a wedding that looks like a conference – but you can also be sensible, and find a nice florist to help you pick and buy a few tip-top condition flowers, prep them so they’ll last through the day, present them in an unfussy manner to show them off at their best in as many places as you can (buttonholes, table tops, windowsills: wherever stays still long enough to have a vase/milk bottle/jar/tin can/plant pot put on it), and they might even give you something to clasp in your shaking hands as you walk down the aisle.

March – early May:
sweet pea, lisianthus, love-in-a-mist, stocks, astrantia, forget-me-nots, lily of the valley

Grow: Sweet William in a pot

Late May – August:
peonies, phlox, ranunculus, ornithogalum Grow: Marigolds in a pot

September – early November:
cosmos, craspedia, helleborus, tanacetum

Grow: Lilac in a pot

Late November – February:
mimosa, anemone, carnations, chrysanthemum, delphinium, freesias

Grow: Hyacinth in a pot

Games

I personally think weddings can be deathly dull if you’re just standing around waiting for things, like you’re stuck in a doctor’s surgery in your absolute smartest clothes. I am
all
about the games, but if anything team-based fills you with a cold, sick horror, you can always just put a few games in a corner; either things like skittles (which is a really effective way of making sure all the children are in one place, as they’ll all just want to smash the skittles with the ball as hard as they can) or a pile of board games on a table, making sure people know they can use them at any time. Depending on how you’ve arranged your tables (mixing up the groups or friends together) people might really welcome that ice-breaker activity, or if all they want to do is definitely not play games, they really don’t have to. But give people something to do – it’s horrible to feel like you’re just an extra at someone else’s Ego Show. Give ’em a game and they’ll be so busy calculating that it was Miss Plum in the Library that they’ll never have time to realise.

Best one by far, that I was introduced to by my lovely in-laws at our wedding: the Hat Game – like musical chairs, but with hats. You stand in a circle, everyone wearing a hat. As the music begins and you all slowly start walking around in the big circular conga line, one (or two or three, depending on the size of the circle) hat is removed, and those without a hat must grab the hat from the person in front of them, who, bare-headed, must then grab from the person in front of
them
. It’s an insanely good ice breaker, as within minutes everyone is chasing around, trying to evade the clutches of the hat-needer behind you, while always keeping the hat-wearer in front within grabbing distance. The final round sees two players, back-to-back on chairs, one hat between them. Wrestling a hat off a stranger’s head has never been so much fun (but make sure the bride removes her veil).

A Sense of Humour/Sense of Perspective

Absolutely the the the
most
important thing. You might have planned for months and saved for years, or you might have decided to do this last Tuesday and invited only your cousin along. Either way, keep some perspective. Here are just some of the things that could go wrong: