Maybe it would heal a little bit of the hurt.
Kim had forgotten she was supposed to be miserable.
The last three months had been pure bliss. Meeting Rick had changed her life. She hadn’t picked up a romance book in weeks, and not just because she didn’t have time to read anymore. She’d even lost a few pounds, the result of dinners left cold on the plate while their conversation meandered from one random subject to another. She was happy. She was loved. Finally, after a life of independence and solitude, she was loved.
But the morning of their three-month anniversary she awoke in a cold sweat, those haunting eyes staring at her from inside her mind, the ungodly scream echoing in her ears even when the pillow was clamped over her head. She huddled beneath the sheets, trembling, knowing she’d had her fun but now it was over. She’d had twelve weeks of respite from the dream. Now it was back, along with the guilt that squeezed her chest and soured her stomach.
If he knew
…
She shook the thought from her mind. If he knew, he would leave her. How could he love someone who was so cold-hearted?
The self-loathing she had worn like a stifling winter coat for the last seven years enveloped her once more. She didn’t remember losing it, but Rick’s attention and ardor had slipped it off when she hadn’t been looking. Now, as she looked in the mirror above her dresser, her face seemed altered, stark. The bright eyes and perma-smile that their relationship had given her were gone. This was who she really was. And when Rick found out, he would be gone.
“I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid,
stupid
,” she muttered, the words hissed through clenched teeth. Her sins scrolled like film credits through her mind, reminding her of reality. She should have known better than to think anyone’s love could change who she really was.
Kim sat on the edge of her bed, fists clenched on her knees, head bowed by the weight of guilt and anger that were stronger than they had ever been. And now they were compounded by fear—fear of losing Rick, fear of her secret being discovered. Her stomach roiled, her chest squeezed.
You’re going to lose it all. Rick, security, peace—all of it, gone.
She felt like she was suffocating, like she would explode. She didn’t know what to do. She needed a release, to let out the pressure of her self-loathing before she went crazy.
Her eyes landed on her desk and the paring knife she’d used to slice an apple the night before. She snatched it up and swiped it across her fingers before she could think about it.
It was like slashing a tire. The intensity of her emotions slowly deflated as blood welled up from the cuts. She panted, drawing ragged breaths as though she’d run a mile. And over it all, sweet relief.
She sank onto the bed again, hand open and trembling in front of her, and stared at the wounds. The buzz in her head dissipated until all she heard was her own breathing and the birds singing in the May morning sunshine. It was a miracle. Why hadn’t she done this before? After all these years she had a way to ease her pain.
Though now she had a new problem. Her fingers were bloody, the sting was intensifying, and she had to be at work in half an hour. How was she going to do hair with her hand like this?
Knowing her own medicine cabinet was empty of bandages, she ran to Corrie’s bathroom and discovered three boxes of them in various sizes. She pulled four from the standard-size box and fumbled them out of their paper packaging. Once they were all in place, she brought the wrappers to her own bathroom trash can, then went to the kitchen to fix breakfast.
Sitting calmly and eating her bowl of cornflakes just seemed wrong. Everything felt surreal, like she’d woken up in an alternate universe. Her hand pulsed with each heartbeat, the dull pain re minding her of her transgression.
What will I tell everyone? And how am I going to wash hair?
She concocted a story to explain her injury as she ate and resigned herself to asking one of the other girls to do the shampooing for her clients.
When she arrived at the salon a little before ten, she saw a vase of roses on the table. A small white envelope was propped against it, her named scrawled in purple pen. She opened the envelope and slid out the small card that read, “Happy anniversary to my Kim. See you tonight. Love, Rick.” She pocketed the card and fingered one of the rose’s velvety pink petals.
I don’t deserve him.
“What’s the occasion?” Rumiko asked as she passed by. “I saw the delivery guy drop them off.”
“Our three-month anniversary.” She smiled a little. “He’s so sweet.”
“Wow, three months already? You in it for the long haul, you think?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t want to jinx it by even thinking about where it might go, or how long it will last. I’m just going to enjoy it while—”
Rumiko grasped Kim’s wrist. “Kim, your fingers! What did you do?”
Kim made a noise of irritation, gently pulling her hand away and curling her fingers in to hide the bloody bandages. “I’m such an idiot. I fumbled a knife and grabbed the blade instead of the handle when it was falling.”
Rumiko tsked. “You poor thing. You alright?”
“Yeah, it’s fine, not even that deep.”
“Well that’s good.”
Kim took one more sniff of the roses. “I need to get my station in order. See you later.”
She turned her attention to her station, praying Rumiko didn’t notice how Kim couldn’t look her in the eyes.
“B
ABY, WHAT DID YOU DO?”
Rick held Kim’s hand in his, examining the bandages that were now grubby and pulling away from her skin at the edges. “Just being klutzy and stupid. I’m fine.”
He kissed her palm and patted her hand back into her lap. “What were you doing?”
She rolled her eyes, then turned them to the menu. “Dropped a knife and grabbed for it, but I grabbed the blade and not the handle.” She flashed him a rueful grin. “Told you I was a klutz.”
He laughed a little. “Yeah, that
was
stupid.” He opened the wine list and scanned the pages, then set it aside in favor of the menu. “You have to have the duck, I hear it’s amazing.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Duck? I’ve never had it before. I think that’s a little too close to reality for me. I think I’ll have a filet.”
“Well, I was going to get a filet, so we’ll get you the duck and then we can share.”
“Rick, I—”
“Have you decided what you’d like?” Their waitress appeared tableside, smiling, then looked to Kim. “For you, miss?”
“I’m going to have the fil—”
“The duck,” Rick said. “She’ll have the duck, and I’ll have the filet, medium rare please. And a glass of Pinot Noir for me and Australian Shiraz for her.”
Kim frowned, but waited until the waitress was gone to speak. “Rick, that’s not what I wanted. And you’ve gotten that wine for me before and I didn’t like it, remember?”
Rick narrowed his eyes slightly. “You didn’t give it a chance last time. I think you’ll like it this time around. It’s even better with duck than it is with chicken. And like I said, we’ll share.”
“Why didn’t you get the duck then?”
“Does it matter who gets what, if we’re trading anyway?”
Kim huffed. “Well, if I don’t like the duck, then yes, it matters, because then what am I going to eat?”
“Look.” Rick waved his hand, batting at the angry words that hung in the air between them, then took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Kim. I just really thought you’d like it, that’s all. I should have just kept my mouth shut.”
His countenance drooped, and Kim felt like crap.
Way to ruin the mood, Kim.
She reached across the table, hand held out in a gesture of surrender. “I’m sorry, too. I always like the things you order for me, I should have just trusted you. Don’t be mad, okay? I’m sorry if I spoiled the night.”
Rick tipped his head side to side, as though considering her apology, then took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “It’s okay, babe. I forgive you. My emotions always go a little haywire when big things are going on—and, I consider today a pretty big thing.”
She smiled. “Yeah?”
“Absolutely. Three months? That’s, like, the relational equivalent of two years these days.” She laughed along with him, relieved he didn’t seem mad anymore. But then he sobered. “I have to admit, I feel a bit on edge, too, because I’m a little nervous.”
“Nervous? About what, our anniversary?”
“No, no, not dinner.” He released her hand and sat back a moment, then cleared his throat and leaned forward again, taking her hand once more. “Kim, I’d like to ask you something.”
Her heart began to race. “What?”
“I know it might seem a little soon, but…I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. You’re amazing. I feel like I’ve known you forever.”
Her mouth went dry. “Me too.”
He looked relieved. “Good.” He stared at her for a moment, then said, “Would you move in with me?”
“Oh.
Oh
. Really?”
“Yeah!”
“Oh—Rick, I don’t know, I’ve never even thought about living with someone.”
“Well, think about it!” He sat back, grinning. “It would be perfect. We’d be able to see each other so much more. No more slinking back home late at night, no more having to worry about your roommate walking in on us.” He wagged his eyebrows and squeezed her hand.
Her laughter sounded nervous to her ears. She hoped he didn’t hear it that way. “Rick—I’m so flattered. I can’t believe you asked.”
“It’s the most logical next step. We’re practically living together as it is, with all the time we spend together. Why not make life easier for ourselves?”
It made sense. Of course it did. And yet she felt on the edge of panic at the thought. She had already grown anxious the two or three nights that she ended up in bed with him, worried that she’d end up like her mother—pregnant and alone. If they were living together, how much more often would they test the reliability of her birth control? And when they broke up, which was bound to happen eventually, she’d be homeless.
The light in his eyes faded as her answer took longer in coming. “I thought you’d be excited about this. I thought you’d be as happy about it as I am.”
“Rick, I’m sorry—”
“I love you, Kim. Seriously. I love you. And I thought you loved me too.”
“I do—”
“No, no you don’t.” He let go of her hand and sat back, crossed his arms over his chest and glowered at her across the table. “If you did you’d say yes. Why would you not want to live with someone you love? With someone who loves you? Unless there’s someone else.”
Kim’s jaw dropped. “Someone else? Of course there isn’t, Rick. That’s ridiculous.”
“Then prove it. Prove that you really love me. Because I’m not in this relationship just to have fun, Kim. If you’re not committed, then I’m gone.”
A tornado of emotion was ripping her apart. Of course she loved him. Never in her life had she thought she’d find someone who felt this way about her. But they’d only been together for three months, and she couldn’t deny the concern she felt at the proposition. But was it enough to risk losing him?
“Okay.”
It’s just cold feet.
“Of course I want to move in with you. You just…took me by surprise, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting it.” She shut her mouth to stop the rambling, then drew a deep breath. “Let’s move in together.”
His eyes lit up and Kim knew she’d done the right thing. She loved that she could make him so happy.
“It’s gonna be awesome, waking up next to you every morning,” he said, eyes dancing, his smile nearly pulling right past his cheeks. “Can you get out of your lease early? Let’s do it next weekend.” He continued to talk but she didn’t hear him. Her mind was racing with the realization of what she’d just agreed to.
It didn’t take long for Rick to realize she wasn’t as wrapped up in the idea as he was. He stopped and gave her a cautious look. “Already rethinking things?”
Don’t do anything else to ruin it.
“No, no, I’m just—overwhelmed. It’s a lot to think about.” She forced a smile and took a sip of her water to occupy her nervous hands. Her wounded fingers began to throb.
“I understand, baby.” He squeezed her good hand across the table. “We’ll make a list. The actual move shouldn’t be too bad; it’s not like you have a lot. And you don’t have to do everything all at once. I’ll help you out however I can.” He gazed at her, his head shaking slightly. “How did I get so lucky?”
Kim felt a blush creeping into her cheeks. “I could ask the same thing.”
“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?” Rick laughed and settled back in his seat, looking happy and content. Kim pushed down the niggling concern that itched in her chest and let herself be drawn in by his good mood.
Everything will be fine. You’ll see. Better than fine, even—you’ll be a
family.
“H
EY CORRIE,
I
NEED TO TALK TO YOU A MINUTE.”
A few days had passed since Kim and Rick had celebrated their anniversary, but Kim kept missing opportunities—sometimes on purpose—to talk to Corrie. Rick was getting impatient, though, and Kim didn’t want to make him mad. Resigning herself to the path she was taking, she stayed up late to wait for her roommate to get home so she could talk to her about moving out.
“Do you have a minute?” she asked Corrie when she finally walked in.
“Sure, as long as you don’t mind if I eat. I’m starving. What’s up?”
Kim followed her to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. “I know my lease isn’t up for another three months, but I wanted to see if it would be alright with you if I moved out early.”
Corrie turned from the fridge with a look of surprise. “You’re moving out? Where to?”
“I’m moving in with Rick.”
Corrie’s eyebrows arched. “Really? Wow.”
Kim chuckled. “Yeah.”
“You guys have only been dating for, like—”
“Three months.”
“And you’re moving in together now. That seems really…fast.”
Kim bristled inside but tried not to show it. “Well, when you know, you know, right?”
Corrie shrugged slightly and turned back to the open fridge. “Can’t argue with that.” She pulled leftovers from a shelf and said, “Adam asked the other day if I knew how it was going with you two. He seemed…concerned.”