The Whole of My World
Read The Whole of My World Online
Authors: Nicole Hayes
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Today I am free.
No guilt for who's missing, what's been left behind. My face aches from smiling in the wind and my voice rasps from all the screaming, and I know that it's been forever since I've felt so completely alive.
Desperate to escape her grieving father and harbouring her own terrible secret, Shelley disappears into the intoxicating world of Aussie Rules football. Joining a motley crew of footy tragics â and, best of all, making friends with one of the star players â Shelley finds somewhere to belong. Finally she's winning.
So why don't her friends get it? Josh, who she's known all her life, but who she can barely look at anymore because of the memories of that fateful day. Tara, whose cold silences Shelley can't understand. Everyone thinks there's something more going on between Shelley and Mick. But there isn't â is there?
When the whole of your world is football, sometimes life gets lost between goals.
An unputdownable novel for anyone who's ever loved or lost, drawn a line between then and now, or kept a secret that wouldn't stay hidden . . .
Contents
Chapter 11: Eyes Up on the Follow-through
Chapter 12: One Week at a Time
Chapter 13: Chewy on Your Boot
Chapter 26: One Day in September
Chapter 29: The End-of-Season Trip
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For my daughters, Hannah and Emily, whose stories are just beginning.
And to my mum, for always believing.
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Dad always said we were lucky that there were two of us. Always someone to shepherd when you had the ball. Someone to pass to when the pressure was on. Someone to cheer when you kicked a goal.
But when it came down to it, when it really was just us two, that's not how it turned out at all.
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The mirror used to be my mum's. Her mum's before that. It's oval-shaped with a gold frame and patches of tarnish around the edge, like smudges of dirt that won't go away. Usually, I keep the mirror covered â I have a strip of black cloth just wide enough to tuck into the crooks of its gilded frame. I saved the remnant from Mum's sewing cabinet exactly for this reason. But today is different. I need to see what everyone else will see.
I study my reflection in the glass: mousy brown hair, blotchy skin, hazel eyes probably more brown than green if I'm honest. I'm short with a medium build â years of playing every sport I could are still visible in parts, even though everything seems harder to do now. I feel betrayed by my body. The lean muscles are looser, weaker. My chest has rounded out, full and obvious, despite my efforts to hide it. Hide
them
. It feels as though all the things that made me strong have become unrecognisable and soft. Of no use to me anymore. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. Dad says I'm a late bloomer. I should probably be grateful for that, except now I'm paying for it.
My school uniform doesn't help. The grey blazer sits huge on my shoulders; the bulky jumper under it two sizes too big. Dad liked the idea of not having to buy another jumper until Year 12. The navy-and-grey tartan dress with a touch of white turns my hips square, and the grey socks and black shiny school shoes make my calves look thick and stunted, robbing me of any hope of even
faking
average height.
I sigh, my heart squeezing. It's bad enough I have to go to a school where I don't know anyone without the humiliation of looking like a character from one of Mum's old English girls' boarding-school novels, with titles like
We're in the Sixth!
and
Second Form at St Clare's
. At least my breasts don't stick out as much with my jumper on. I stand a little taller, press my shoulders down. I'll get used to it. I have to. I mentally calculate how much is left of the school year. It's March now, so I have the rest of Year 10 plus two whole years to go before I can leave St Mary's Catholic Ladies' College. At fifteen weeks a term, that's one hundred and twenty-six weeks total.
And I haven't even started yet.
I draw the cloth back over the mirror and push it against the wall; its default position.
I hear Dad through the paper-thin walls even before he knocks. You can't breathe in this house without announcing it to everyone else â and probably the neighbours, too, on a clear day. âCome in.'
Dad stands in the doorway looking anywhere but at me.
âAlmost ready,' I say, a wide smile firmly in place.
He looks relieved. We've grown used to these moments without ever getting very good at them. Struggling to fill silences, looking at each other without our eyes meeting, talking about everything except what we should talk about. Or even what normal families talk about.
âI could go with you . . .' he begins, stopping when I shake my head.
âYou have to work. I'll be fine.' I give him my best âshe'll be right' face as my heart pounds in my ears. âIt's not like a grand final or anything.' I laugh hollowly. It sounds fake even to me.
âNo.' He smiles and studies the walls of my room as though he's never been here before. Shiny images of large brown-and-gold Falcons peer down at us as though preparing to swoop, dotting the spaces between newspaper pin-ups of Glenthorn Football Club premiership wins, team posters and other memorabilia. Wall-to-wall Glenthorn. Wall-to-wall football.
My dad looks old in profile, I note with a start. His handsome face is craggier than I remember it. His sandy-grey hair is brushed and smooth at the top, but the ends curl unevenly, and there's a ragged edge to his appearance. Although he's shaved for work, his face seems to be cast in a shadow. Smudges under his eyes, probably from his newest bout of insomnia. I glance at the family photo by my bed â all of us laughing at the beach, sandswept and brown from the sun. Dad's hair is blond-brown, the way mine is by the end of summer. He looks ten years younger, even though the photo was taken barely two years ago.
I feel Dad's eyes on me, watching me study the photo â our history shining up at us, taunting us, relentlessly cheerful.
I blush and look away. So does he.
âDid you see Hardie in the back line against the Vics?' I manage in the stifling silence that follows. I saw the highlights on
World of Sport
.
Dad's face transforms entirely â a mix of enthusiasm for the subject and relief at having something to say, the line of his mouth easing instantly. âHe's got it all right,' he says, shaking his head in disbelief. âThe way he can turn and spin â a cross between Compton and a young Barry Cable. He's got some mongrel in him, too. They'll come knocking, mark my words.'
âIt's a different game in the West,' I counter. âNothing like here.'
âGeography,' he says, dismissing me. âThere's a Best and Fairest waiting for him, just as soon as he can make the cut.'
âIf Killer can't win, your mate Hardie never will either. They don't give Charlie Medals to Glenthorn players â and they don't give them to redheads,' I say, only half-joking. I started this to distract my dad, to make him feel better, except it's working for me too.
âThat's a myth,' Dad scoffs.
âYeah? Name some.'
Dad shakes his head, eyes narrowing, pretending he's annoyed. âToo smart for your own good.'
I shrug. âJust call it like I see it.'
âYou watch,' Dad mutters as he closes the door behind him, but not before I catch the edge of his smile. It never fails to elate me â that smile. I hardly see it anymore. I always think of it as Mum's smile since it pretty much disappeared when she died. Like he buried it in the grave beside her.
I let the warmth of that smile sit with me for a bit then return to my Mighty Falcons notebook lying open on my bed. I touch the page where I pasted a new article on Peter Moss this morning. It's still wet. A whiff of glue clings to the air. I'll have to wait to add my analysis beside the newspaper's. I run my eyes over the list of facts and figures compiled against his name â Best on Ground performances, trouble opponents, strengths and weaknesses, an ever-growing injury list . . . Each number, average and tally printed carefully in my best handwriting. He kicked four goals on Saturday that I still have to add before I can work out his new average.
âShell!' Dad calls from the kitchen, startling me back to reality. My heart does something acrobatic in my chest. There's no avoiding it.
I study Mossy's face in its pose for
The Sun
photographer. His blond hair and red moustache, pictured here in grainy shades of grey, are as familiar to me as my father's. Perhaps more familiar. I draw strength from Mossy's confidence, absorb the heat of his sunny smile and stand taller in my square blue-grey uniform. He's been playing with a dodgy knee and a recurring back strain for two seasons. If he can kick four goals despite all kinds of crippling pain, I can face a room full of strange girls and find a friend among them
somewhere
.
That's what Dad says when something looks too hard or you fall over from trying:
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to position
.
I shut the notebook, slot it neatly between my mother's leather-bound copy of
My Brilliant Career
, which she gave me when I turned ten, and the family photo from the beach, and pat them three times each for good luck. I grab my schoolbag and head out the door.