“Babes, we need to go back or my dick is going to drop off,” Logan pleaded. Never in my life would I have thought that Logan would plead not to have sex.
“If you’re not rough, then, you’re just so damn demanding.”
He was shaking his head, and our night in the hotel wasn’t turning out to be so romantic. It wasn’t even an adventure. I kept ordering room service, and I was told that on Christmas night they had limited service. I kept thinking about all the time that we had missed together. But being naked, in a hotel room with no one to bother us, kind of made me more demanding. “I know, I know.”
He pleaded, “We can not make up for the months that we missed in one weekend.”
I laughed, “Or even one night?”
He made his way back to the bed. He was subtly hinting last night that maybe it was better if we slept in different beds, because he wanted to catch up on his sleep. So, he slept on the sofa in the corner of the room. That was around five, until I went to join him, or tried to, and asked to do it one more time.
Well, maybe asked is a polite way of saying it. I felt tired, nauseated by all the emotions that were running through my veins. Logan had bloodshot eyes, tired from my constant demands.
“I just need you to love me again,” I started to cry. The hormones took over and I repeated what was on my mind over and over again.
He stroked my hair, which was probably an uncontrollable bird’s nest. I hadn’t worn a bra all night and my breasts were sore from his touch. My nipples were throbbing from his sucking, and my stomach felt like the only thing that was intact. The baby was now fully awake and kicking as if he was a member of Logan’s football team.
I walked over to the bed and he swiftly followed.
“When I thought that there was another girl, someone else who could steal your heart, I just felt lost, and kept convincing myself that when you came home at Christmas,” I held his hand in desperation, hoping that he would be able to understand my fears. “That everything… The past would fade away and we could go back to the way we were.”
It sounded silly voicing something that had been running in my mind for weeks.
“Babes, we never stopped being us. Sure, we’ve been quiet lately, but that doesn’t mean that I gave my heart to someone else.”He shook his head and I wondered if he was trying to convince himself or me. “I love you Alexa. I understood that you needed time. Shit, it’s a life changing experience that we’re going through at the moment.”
His words offered comfort, because he said ‘we’ and not ‘you’, and it made me feel as if he was mine. That nothing about that had changed.
“We’re supposed to be out of the hotel tonight anyway, so let’s get ready,” he sighed as brushed the loose strands off my face. I looked like such a mess. A crazy woman mess and part of me cared, but the other part knew that Logan seeing me at my worst and best meant that there was true love between us.
“I’m going to run a bath just to loosen us up a bit,” he stood up and let go of my hand and gently placed a small kiss on my forehead like he used to do whenever I was anxious.
“And soothe my damn dick, which is burning like it’s on fire.”
He laughed as he looked down at his shorts. I was being paranoid, confused about my secrets and the effect that it would have on us, and worried for the first time ever that maybe, just maybe, we would lose something that I’d thought we had and would cherish forever.
Love.
***
As he slowly guided me into the round-shaped tub, I thought about if things could be like this forever.
“This is nice,” he sighed as I sat down slowly in front of him. The bubbles welcomed my large frame and eased the aches that had occurred from our ongoing sex sessions through the night.
“It’s nearly two, can you believe that?” he whispered as he moved the sponge delicately around my body. His soft brushes were on my belly and then they moved across my arms.
“I always wanted us to have kids,” he stopped for a minute, “First we would be married then both of us would be happy in our careers, you know, that path that normal couples take.”
I nodded as I rested my head on his shoulder listening to him talk about what he had wanted for us and the future. Something that I had thought about, but hearing him trying to figure it out meant he wasn’t completely disappointed in the choice that I had made about having the baby.
“I’m glad Richard told you. He was right.”
The smell of the strawberry flavored bath oils filled my nose. The dim lightening in the bathroom had relaxed me so much, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep.
“Me too. But I need to finish college and, once the little one’s born, you need to finish school too.”
It sounded so simple. The idea of giving birth without him by my side made me feel lonely, but it was a risk that I was willing to take when I had decided to keep the baby.
“I could have terminated it, you know?” I turned to face him to see his reaction, and his arms swung me around with my back towards him.
“And if you had without talking to me first, this would be a different story. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive you.”
He sighed, “Anyway, that's all in the past. Promise me one thing,” his hand enveloped mine as he lifted it to his lips and kissed it.
“Anything,” I said in desperation. I couldn’t lose him, not ever, and even if there was another woman wanting to take his heart, she would have to get through me first. That was something I knew for sure.
“Don’t ever keep anything from me again.”
That was a demand, a promise that I would never ever break. As he kissed my hand again I said, “You have my word, Logan Collins. Never, ever again.”
“Good. Because next time, I won’t be so forgiving.”
We sat in silence for a while. Room service knocked on the door and Logan got up to tell them that we would leave in the morning. They weren’t happy about it, because we’d been due to leave a couple of hours ago. But with Logan Collins charm, he managed to persuade them and encourage me to lay in the bath. I did that and, when he came back and held me in his arms I felt as I always did with him. Even if the water was a little cold, I still felt safe and warm.
I called Alexa when we were only a few minutes away from the house. Alexa was driving at front and I wasn’t being the most responsible driver in the world, by calling her on loud speaker, knowing that she was in Todd’s car and she couldn’t speak to me for more than a second. We were at the stop lights and I just wanted to hear her voice before we got to the house and everyone fussed over her.
Or maybe me.
It had been a while since I had seen Mom and Olivia, so I was missing them both like crazy.
“Stop calling. You know what my luck’s like. The police will probably pull me over…” she whispered and I could see her looking left and right, then turning around and mouthing, “Stop!”
I laughed as I said, “Well don’t pick up then!”
She hung up and then as we drove a few more blocks, I saw my street. Shit, I had missed home. I couldn’t believe that it had only been five months since I had seen the familiar set of houses. I wondered what all the neighbors were up to.
The usual Christmas light competition had taken place where the houses were lit up as if global warming wasn’t an issue. She was slowly creeping on to the road. The banner with my name, saying ‘Welcome home’ had snow fall onto it once too many times and was lying on the front lawn. The house seemed quiet, considering I had only rang them about twenty minutes ago and told them that we weren’t far away; I’d thought that they would be outside cheering that I had finally made it home.
I looked at my watch to discover it was only three, so I didn’t get why it was so quiet, until I walked into the living room. The happy place where we normally hung out and watched too much movies and had popcorn had turned into something completely different.
Mom was crying her eyes out and Olivia was doing the same. Looks of confusion exchanged between Alexa and I.
Mom and Olivia holding each other on the dark sofa unable to speak and Brian was rocking as if he had been lost in some kind of trauma. I wanted to speak, but fears of what they were going to say ran through my mind.
“What’s going on?” Alexa asked as she took my hand in preparation. No one moved. They were all lost in whatever event had just taken place.
I had called and they had said that Dad had just popped out. They had run out of ice and he was going to get some. But judging by the snow on the front lawn, they could have easily got some from there.
Then I heard it, as the words came pouring from my Mom’s mouth. I wanted to turn back the clock. Get back that time. Tell them that I would be the one to get the ice. I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it would have made more sense for me to do it. I had missed Christmas day and had wanted to make up for it on New Year’s. Now, that time would be lost. The moment had passed just like him.
“Your Dad, he’s dead!” Mom said as she hugged me so tight. I didn’t think I’d heard her right or maybe the realization that it was true was too damn painful.
“He went to get ice,” I repeated as she had said on the phone.
“Dad,” Brian spat out as he went to hold Alexa. Our hands were no longer together, we were going to be divided, despite the fact that we had just vowed a few hours ago in the hotel it wouldn’t happen. Now that was a distant memory.
“Please can someone just tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Olivia came over and held my hand, “Dad went to get ice. Apparently when he got there John was there too, arguing with the owner about buying a bottle of whiskey. He was intoxicated.”
She took a deep breath as she wiped away the tears, “So, Dad tried to stop him causing a scene in the store. He was saying something like drinking doesn't solve anything.”
I wanted to know how she knew about the trail of events, but she didn't need to tell me what the ending of the story was going to be.
Why else would they be crying?
Why would Mom be holding me with all her might?
I was holding her. Comforting her. Telling her that it was going to be okay.
“Then, John just shot him. Told him that it was all his fault.”
Alexa screamed out, “No!”
I felt numb, as if I was a victim of the shoot out.
“The police said that the store owner described the events. John just stood there after he had shot him and drank the whiskey until the police arrived. He was ranting something about ‘that’s what you get for taking my family away.’”
She wiped her eyes again, and the tears were uncontrollable as Mom put her hands to her ears and left the room.
“So, the police thought that John killed him because he was sleeping with Holly or something like that. But Mom told them about the situation and what had been going on.”
It was as if Holly had heard her name called, because she came in the room and took Alexa and Brian and told them that they couldn't stay here. They needed to leave. Mom never came back down. I couldn’t even tell them that they were being silly and should hang around. I thought it was for the best.
I should have given them money for a hotel or something, but I couldn’t even think about them. Right now I had to focus on my family. Or rather, what was left of it; I didn’t know if they were still a part of that. After all, my Dad would still be alive if it wasn’t for them. It didn't take long between them leaving and us having to go and identify the body. Dad’s wallet was on him, so they had his ID. So many things had happened and I couldn't get my head around it. I felt as if I was in some bad dream and I was pleading for someone, anyone, to wake me the fuck up so I could see my Dad one more time.
Chapter Thirty Seven
Alexa
We stayed in a motel for a few days. I couldn’t even go back to the house. My things were there but Todd offered to go and pack for us. Neither Marie or Logan had told him that we should come back. We couldn’t even go to the funeral. Part of me wanted to, but the other part felt guilty about the whole thing, as if it was all my fault.
Sure, I’d never pulled the trigger, but it was my drunken Dad that had killed his. The one who should be dead was locked away in a prison cell awaiting trial,leading on the basis of temporary insanity and trying to make a case for his cold blooded murder. It was all over the news, the fact that Dad was a gambler and a drunk, despite the fact that the media had tried to make it sound as if he had led some glorious life. He was a murderer and instead of making him look like one, he was being treated as a celebrity.
The man had led a double life, had two wives, and one didn’t hesitate to sell her story and make a small fortune. The media love a good story no matter how many lives they destroy while publishing it.
As for Mom, she wasn’t welcomed back at the hospital. Too many questions and, with the media attention, they thought it was better that she was transferred elsewhere and that she should revert to using her middle name, so no one knew who she was. That was pretty hard seeing as her face was plastered on the news headline along with Dad’s.
“You okay?” Scarlett asked as she came over to help me pack to our rented apartment.
Okay?
I didn’t even know myself anymore. The fact that Logan and I had been tested so many fucking times it hurt my head. We had failed and my Dad was a monster and, for that reason, Logan would never, ever be able to see his dad ever again.
I wanted to take it back. I wished that I had called and asked if they needed anything from the store before I got to the house.
“Richard’s dead. I’m having Logan’s baby. He won’t talk to me. ‘Okay’ doesn't really cut it.” I slumped on the bed, thinking about what I had just said to Scarlett, and feeling guilty for my words.
She quickly changed the subject, as the last of our belongings in the motel was being put in the case.
“I know, but is the baby okay? They say stress in a pregnancy is not a good thing. It’s not about just you,” she stopped as her almond eyes stared into mine and I wondered what she saw. A woman that was pregnant and about to be a single Mom? Or a woman that was slowly but surely falling apart?
“You need to think about the baby,” she pleaded.
Easier said than done, and the bitch inside me revealed her ugly head, “Oh, because you know all about it?”
She shook her head as if to dismiss my comment and my crappy attitude, “No, because Todd said that you missed your appointment last week.”
Big mouth!
“How cozy, you and Todd get back together and now you’re relationship and parenting experts.”
I was going to save her the speech. I had already had it from Todd, and didn’t need to hear it from her. Just because her relationship had worked out perfectly, and her life was something I could only dream about. She had no clue what was going on in my world. She could only see it and think that she knew what was best, but she didn’t know - how could she?
“No, you need to come to the real world and stop thinking of yourself. This depression. Not eating... It's got to stop. Let Logan grieve and when he’s ready he’ll be there for you, like he’s always been.”
That was when Mom came into the room. Neither of us were functioning properly and my Grandparents did the decent thing and let Brian stay with them. They wanted me to move in with them too, but with them living so far and me needing my hospital check-ups it made sense for me to stay in Chicago.
“That’s why he’s gone to college without even saying goodbye,” she sighed as she took my case and left the room.
Both of us said at the same time, “What?”
I couldn't believe Logan. The man had stayed in the hotel with me and said that there should be no more secrets. The man who had promised me that nothing could get in the way of our love had done the complete opposite.
Both of us slumped on the bed. Confused by the trail of events, Scarlett held my hand and silent tears left my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Alexa. Just don’t give up hope. He’ll come around, he has to. Not only for you, but the baby too.”
I turned to her, “I don't want him to come around for the baby. I want what we had.”
She hugged me and said, “You’ll have something better. I promise you. Just give it time.”
That was all I had, because nothing else felt like it mattered at the moment. Logan had given up on us.