The Wild Rose of Kilgannon (9 page)

"Brave!" Two small voices echoed him hollowly. I turned away, my hand at my throat. He would not even
try
to escape. And he was teaching his sons to live by the same code. I felt sick.

"And we don't run away," Alex said. "Never."

"Never," said Ian, and Jamie echoed him.

Alex's voice was normal again. "Even if ye are afraid. Especially if ye are afraid."

"Are ye afraid, Da?" Jamie asked.

"Aye, Jamie, of course I am, but I gave my word and I will go. Now, promise me to be good for yer mother and do as she says."

"We will, Da," Jamie said.

Ian threw himself in his father's arms. "Don't go, Da! Can't we go somewhere where they canna find you?"

Alex patted his back and kissed his hair. "Aye, I could, Ian, but I won't. I gave my pledge. I must go with them." He slapped his thighs. "And now, my laddies, ye must come with me while I tell the people what will happen. When I leave I willna be laird anymore and they must ken that."

"What will happen?"

"I dinna ken. The English will decide what happens to Kilgannon. Y
e and yer brother will go to Mar
y's family."

"We have to leave too?" Ian cried. "Can we no' go with ye?" "No," Alex said. "I wish ye could. Or, I wish I could go with ye. But we canna go together. Now go, lads, and change yer clothes and meet me downstairs. We must be clean when we talk to everyone. Go on with ye now. I'll be with ye shortly."

With a glance at me they started for the door. Halfway there Ian turned. "Da, do ye really have to go?" he asked, his voice wavering. Alex nodded. "Aye, Ian. I wish it were not so, but I
do." "And we have to leave too?" "Aye, but ye'll be most brave, aye?" Ian nodded solemnly and left us, his brother behind him. We were alone.

W
E STOOD APART, STARINC AT THE CLOSED DOOR. Alex moved to it and locked it while I tried to master my emotions. I could not decide if I was sad or angry or just numb, but when Alex came to stand in front of me I opened my arms and he stepped into them. When he kissed me my reserve melted and I half-sobbed, half-moaned, running my hands along his cheeks and through his hair. "Alex," I said, as my fingers explored his shoulders and neck. He laced one hand through my hair and held my mouth to his while the other held me tight against him.

"My lips aren't bruised," he said when we paused. I laughed breathlessly, remembering when I had said that to him. So long ago.

"Alex," I said, but he bent to kiss me again and I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of him against my mouth. And my hips.

"Mary Rose,"
he whispered. "Mary Rose, how I’
ve missed ye."

"And I you, my love," I said, pulling his shirt loose from his belt. He flinched when I tugged at the material, and I paused, the linen still in my hand. "That hurts, doesn't it?"

He nodded. "It doesna matter. I'm just battered a bit, but all the parts work, as I'll show ye." He reached for me again but I stepped back, my hand on his un-bruised cheek.

"The last thing I would do is hurt you more. We'll wait."

He shook his head. "We havena time to wait. Come to me."

"Alex," I began, but he shook his head again.

"Make love to me, Mary Rose," he said quietly. "Now. And later. And later again. Make love to me, Mary."

I did then, pulling his shirt free the rest of the way and undoing the belt he'd just buckled. His kilt fell to the floor and his shirt followed it and he stood before me, bruises and new scars livid against his skin. With a sob I ran my fingers lightly over his ribs and then kissed each shoulder, then his chest, and when he pulled me to him I kissed his mouth while I caressed his back. He undid my lacings with the ease born of practice, and within moments I stood naked before him as well. I closed my eyes and leaned against him, running my fingers along the length of him and feeling his response. "Alex," I breathed. "You are perfection."

He laughed in his throat and bent to kiss my neck and along my shoulder, then raised his lips to mine again and I kissed him fully, feeling him explore my mouth with the touch that always drove me mad. He lifted me then, carrying me easily in his arms and to our bed, where we changed rhythm, frantic now in our haste to have each other. And then it was over and I lay in his arms and stared at the ceiling,
savouring
the still-lingering taste of his mouth on mine, pretending that this was just a stolen moment in our ordinary life.

"Mary Rose," he said, rising to one elbow and tracing a finger from my collarbone to my navel, then moving to smooth his hand along my hip. "Yer so beautiful. I need to memorize ye, lass."

"Don't go," I said, surprising us both, and hearing the echo of the countless times I'd said that to him before he'd gone to war. "You don't have to go."

He looked over me, staring across the room, then
abruptly
let his eyes fall to meet mine. "I must. Ye heard what I told the boys." He leaned to kiss my shoulder, then my breast.

"They don't believe you're leaving forever. They don't understand." I felt my mouth tremble.

"No," he said, kissing my forehead. "But perhaps later they'll remember me talking of it."

"I don't understand either."

"Mary," he said, lifting his head, "can ye forgive me?"

"For which decision, Alex? Why will you not escape? We could go through the tunnel and be out of the loch before Robert ever knew. You could be in

Glendevin before they even missed you. Robert won't let them burn Kilgannon. The English have more important places to burn than Kilgannon. It's too far from everything to be important. Why can't we try, Alex? I know you could get away! The MacDonald came to beg us to go to France. They would welcome—"

He interrupted me gently. "The MacDonald came? When, lass?"

More controlled now, I told him of Sir D
onald's visit. He listened quietl
y, then nodded. "Ye did right,
Mary
Rose."

"Alex," I continued, "we could join them and you could help James Stewart from there. Oh, Alex, say yes, tell me you'll go. We could leave now. I have our clothes packed, but we don't even need them. We could get..."

His expression stopped me, his eyes cold and angry. He rose from the bed then and put his shirt on with abrupt movements. "Lass, I want ye to understand. I'll never help James Stewart do anything except step into an early grave. We would have been better if he'd never come. At least then we would have had illusions."

I scrambled out of bed, pulling the blanket with me, to stand before him. "Then we could go to Will. He would welcome us."

Alex shook his head. "No, Mary Rose, I willna run away like a coward. Dinna ask it of me." He pulled me to his chest, his tone softening as he continued. "I ken yer right, lass. We probably could sneak away, but then what? Where would we go? I would have traded my life for my
honour
. What would I have?"

"Your life!" I cried. "Your life with me and your sons! Does that mean nothing to you?"

He looked at me evenly. "It means everything to me, Mary. I've had months to think on this. I kent when James Stewart left that all was lost. I will
forfeit
my tide and lands, and my sons will have nothing to inherit. Nothing, lass. If I escape and live they will have nothing."

I leaned back out of his arms. "They will have a father!"

"They will have a father who saved his own skin instead of his people! The English will burn Kilgannon. They will kill and rape and steal. I canna save myself and offer my clan in my place. I willna do that. Do ye no' understand? Robert Campbell has given me an amazing gift to let me come home to say

goodbye. If I break my word to him I am nothing. If I escape I am alive, but a coward. Can ye no' understand? I have no choice."

I shook my head violently. "You do have a choice! And you are not choosing us!" At his stricken expression I burst into tears. "I'm sorry, Alex," I sobbed. "But, my love, I want you to live! I want you to be with me! That's all I ever wanted, was you and my home. You and your sons. It doesn't matter where we are, only that we're together. How can I live if you're in prison?"

"I won't be in prison long, lass," he said
quietly
and took my hands, his eyes full of unshed tears. "I love ye more than I have a right to, Mary Rose. I would give everything to spend my life with ye. Our time together has been far too short. But I must do this. If I save myself and lose my
honour
I have nothing. Ye, and the boys, and my word are all I have left." He swept his hand in a broad gesture to include the room. "All of this is gone. It's all gone, Mary. I have lost my sons, everything I was entrusted with. I lost my heritage for my children.
There will be no
eleventh Earl of Kilgannon.
There will be no lands to give to Jamie. There will be no one to watch over the clan and see that they are safe. There will be nothing for my family, except my name and my word as a MacGannon. Dinna beg me to give that too!"

I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed, knowing I couldn't change his mind. "I love ye, Mary Rose," he said into my hair. "And I hope ye can forgive me. Can ye ever forgive me? All of this is my fault."

I looked up and into his blue eyes, so brilliant over the bruised cheek. "Alex, this is not your fault! How could you have known all this would happen? How could you know James Stewart would run away and that Malcolm would betray you like this? How could you know the whole rebellion would be such a disaster?"

"Ye did," he said. "And ye were right, Mary. Ye were right in the whole of it and I should have listened. I should have listened to my own advice as well." He smiled ruefully. "I never thought we'd lose, lass. I never thought it," he whispered.

I brushed his hair from his forehead. "I love you, Alex," I said. "And I've known all along what could happen. But I hoped and prayed that I could convince you to leave."

"Aye," he said. I could hear this heart beating and took a ragged breath. Remember this, I commanded myself. Remember how this feels, how he puts

his arms around you, how wonderfully you fit together. It will have to last forever. I fought a wave of hysteria and stroked his bruised cheek. "How did this happen?"

He smiled and shrugged. "Well, they were no' as pleased to see me as ye were. They're a rough bunch, the English."

"Do you hate them?" I asked softly. "Do you hate me as well?"

"No, lass, I dinna hate them. And never ye. Never ye. Do ye hate me for making war on yer country?"

"My darling man," I said. "You are my country." We looked at each other in silence, then I stepped back from him, trying to keep talking so he wouldn't leave. I'd talk forever if I had to. "Alex, why did you ride back into them at Brenmargon?"

He shrugged. "I was going to ride into their camp and let loose the horses and draw their troops away into the pass. And then, there's a place I ken well, where I was going to let the horse keep going while I climbed to the top of an outcropping and waited to talk to them. It's a verra narrow passage there and I kent I could hold them for a bit. I thought if I could talk to Robert I would discover what he meant to do. And I wanted to see if Malcolm was with them. The last thing I wanted to do was lead them home. Or have Malcolm bring them here." He smiled wryly. "Matthew showing up scared me
witless
. I had to change my strategy and still get him away. It seems I dinna do as well as I'd hoped." He touched his cheek gingerly. "When they knocked me off the horse and attacked me I thought I was a dead man, but Robert saved me. He saved my life, Mary. He stopped them from killing me. He even had their doctor treat me at their camp. He was very kind. Distant, of course, but then that's Robert. No' a man ye ever ken well, I'm thinking. After a day or so we talked. At length." He looked over my head. "Damned if I understand the man, lass, but I canna help but respect him. He is a man of his word." He sighed and looked at me. "And it is that as much as anything that holds me. How can I betray his trust when I ken what it feels like to be betrayed? I canna do it. I'm no' Malcolm."

"How could Malcolm do that?" I whispered. "To his own brother? How could he hate you so much?"

Alex gave me a twisted smile. "Perhaps I shouldna have been born first. He seems to have taken
offence
."

"Where is he? And why were you covered when they brought you here? We thought you might be Malcolm."

"Malcolm? No, lass, he was long gone. I dinna see him nor did we talk on him much. I agreed to be covered so that the clan wouldna attack Robert's men to rescue me."

"That was foolish. They almost attacked you to keep the troops from coming here."

"Aye, I kent that was a risk as well, but, to tell the truth of it, I wasna thinking too clearly. Robert was giving me a chance to come home, even if for only one night, and I would have given much more to have another night with ye, lass." He kissed me gently. "Come, now, Mary Rose," he said, his arms falling from me as he stepped away. "I must tell the clan goodbye before I lose my nerve. Come with me, if ye will." I lingered yet another moment.