The Winter Folly (48 page)

Delilah could barely speak on the way back to Fort Stirling from the old people’s home. The vicar, sensing her turmoil, did not try to talk to her as he drove her through
the village and up the hill towards the house. She knew, at last. The secret that Alexandra had decided to take with her to the grave was now in Delilah’s possession. It was a terrible,
life-destroying secret, except for one thing. It wasn’t true. All she could think was that she had to get this lie out into the open and rob it of its potency.

As the house appeared in front of her, she was struck anew by what had happened here all those years ago.

I was right
, she thought, feeling as though a mist inside her mind had finally cleared.
Alex said she could have survived the house if she’d had Nicky’s love. Her father
destroyed that for her. He made it impossible for her to have that love.
Delilah felt as though she could see it all now: Alexandra thinking that she could no longer live with Nicky as his
wife, and the grief of losing him as well as Elaine would have been too much to stand.

And yet
, she wondered, her mind playing over the pieces of the puzzle and re-examining them,
why did she leave John behind? Couldn’t she have taken him with her? Perhaps she
couldn’t do that to Nicky. Maybe she gave John to Nicky, and renounced him for herself. After all, she felt such terrible guilt about Elaine’s death – she told me that on Patmos.
She might have felt that after taking his daughter, she couldn’t take his son as well.

It made a kind of sad sense. What a terrible trap Alex must have been in. No wonder she felt the only answer was something as extreme as trying to wipe herself out. But . . . Delilah remembered
the portrait of Alexandra in the hall. Once a Stirling, always a Stirling. There was no way to be entirely erased.

I want to make it right
, she said to herself determinedly. She thought about how disastrous her attempts had been so far. She had increased Alex’s sense of guilt, estranged her
husband and made herself miserable enough to wonder about leaving her marriage. Wasn’t it madness to go on? She should have listened to Grey, and left everything alone.
Perhaps I should
just get out of John’s life and stop meddling
.

The knowledge rushed in on her, like a blinding revelation. No. She knew she mustn’t do that. Alex had thought the same. She’d thought life would be easier for everyone if she hid
the truth, if she vanished. She decided to leave it all alone – and look what pain it caused. Perhaps if she’d stayed, Emily would have told her years ago that the old man had lied to
her, and she could have been restored to her husband and her child. When she left, she only made all their misery certain.

As Fort Stirling loomed huge above her, Delilah thought,
I won’t do that. I can’t let it all go on. I don’t care what happens afterwards, it’s better than letting
this lie carry on poisoning everyone’s life.

‘Are you all right?’ the vicar asked kindly, as he brought the car to a halt in front of the house. ‘You’re awfully quiet.’

‘What? Oh – yes, fine, thanks. Thanks for the lift.’ She barely registered him beyond the thoughts pouring through her mind. She opened the back door and let Mungo out onto the
gravel. ‘Goodbye, Vicar.’

‘Goodbye, Mrs Stirling. I hope you sort everything out.’

‘Thanks. I’ll try.’ She managed a smile as he set off back up the drive, then she ran up the steps and into the house, Mungo at her heels. ‘John! John!’ she called.
‘Where are you?’

She ran to the estate office, knocked on the door and flung it open, but it was empty, the desk scattered with papers and ledger books. In the kitchen, she found Janey at work. Mungo trotted to
his bed by the range and curled himself into it. ‘Have you seen John?’ she asked breathlessly.

Janey looked up. ‘He went out a little while ago. I think he was going over to the coach house to visit his father. He’s been spending quite a bit of time there lately.’

‘Thanks, Janey.’ Delilah dashed out of the back door. She walked briskly along the gravel path, the red-brick wall of the kitchen garden ahead of her. It was early afternoon and the
air was distinctly humid as if there was a storm not far off. Insects buzzed furiously around her as if working hard before the rain arrived. She wondered what she would say to John and how she
would break down the barriers between them and make him listen to her.

The old wooden door into the kitchen garden opened and, to her surprise, Ben appeared in the doorway, fresh and vital in jeans and a red T-shirt, his light brown hair spiked. He saw her at once
and a broad smile illuminated his face. ‘Delilah!’

Her heart sank. She didn’t want this to happen now. She was desperate to get to John. ‘Hi, Ben, you’re back. How are you? Where did you go?’

‘I took an impulse trip to Cornwall to see some fantastic gardens there. It was great. Really inspiring. I can’t wait to tell you all about it.’ He had been walking towards her
and now he was close, his body radiating an animal energy that made the air around him buzz. ‘Sorry I didn’t let you know where I was,’ he said in a low, intimate tone. ‘I
wondered if you’d miss me. I thought it might be fun to surprise you in person.’

Delilah felt strangely impervious to his presence in a way she hadn’t just a few days before. He was smiling down at her, his eyes tender and knowing, as though they shared a special bond.
Do we?
she wondered. She couldn’t feel it. Whatever it was she’d once felt towards him had completely vanished.
Oh my God, I’ve been an idiot.

He frowned, sensing her distance. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Of course,’ she said, wishing she could find a way to stop this from happening now and be free of him so that she could get to John. Everything in her yearned to find her husband
and tell him what she knew.

‘Come and sit down then,’ he said, gesturing to the bench up against the brick wall. ‘I’ve missed you. I want to talk to you.’

She tried to hide her eagerness to be gone. She owed Ben something, she felt, after what had happened at their last meeting. She’d implied that all he had to do was be patient and
she’d eventually fall into his arms. She’d felt it then but she didn’t feel it now. There wasn’t a trace of it.

Why is the human heart so strange? We’re capable of such constancy and such mutability at the same time. But something’s changed for me – I know I want to be with John. Did
I decide that in Greece? Or was it just today when I talked to Vanna?

All she could be sure of was that it had happened.

Ben sat down on the worn wooden bench and watched expectantly as she joined him, sitting far enough away that there was a stretch of the seat between them. There was a pause and as it grew, his
expression became troubled. ‘Delilah, is something wrong?’

‘No . . . no, of course not.’

‘I get the feeling you don’t particularly want to be here.’

She looked away, flustered for a moment.

‘Ever since I left, I’ve been thinking about what happened between us at the pool,’ he said in a low voice. ‘I tried to tell you what I’m feeling for you and I got
the impression you felt the same. Did I get the wrong message? Have I made a dick of myself?’

She felt awkward and guilty, as though she was breaking a promise.
But I never did promise anything
, she reminded herself. It had all been unspoken. She turned to him, her expression
beseeching. ‘Ben, all I can say is that was a very bad moment for me. John and I have had our troubles lately and I was feeling sorry for myself and very vulnerable. I shouldn’t have
given you the idea that anything might happen between us. You’re a lovely guy but we can’t be more than friends and I’m sorry if I made you think any different.’ She looked
straight at him and said firmly, ‘I love John.’

‘Do you?’ Ben frowned. He leaned forward so that his elbows rested on his thighs, and clasped his hands. He looked so young suddenly. ‘Do you? I wish I could understand it.
You’re so warm and full of life and so beautiful. He’s so morose, so cold, so unfeeling. Look, he has all this and he has you and he’s still not bloody happy!’ He turned to
face her, and took a deep breath as if about to deliver a speech he had rehearsed. ‘Listen, if this is what matters to you, you should know that if John doesn’t have kids, I’m the
next in line to inherit Fort Stirling, after my dad. I would be the owner of all this. If you felt something for me, you could still have it! The house, the gardens, the title. You don’t have
to give that up. We could share it all together. Can’t you see it? We’d be great together, once John was out of the way.’

She stared at him, horrified. ‘Ben – how can you say that?’ she whispered.

He looked sheepish. ‘I’m sorry if it came out brutally, but I had to say that if losing this is what’s stopping you from being with me – well, it’s not the case. I
can offer it to you, as long as John doesn’t have kids. Please, I’m asking you to think about it.’

She straightened her back, furious with him now. ‘There’s nothing to think about! It’s none of your business but I didn’t marry him for the house or the gardens, and I
wouldn’t be with you for them either!’ She stood up. ‘I’m sorry you think I’m the kind of woman who would do that.’

He couldn’t look at her but stared at the ground intently.

‘I think you’ve got me wrong, Ben,’ she said. ‘There’s really nothing between us, just a friendship that we fleetingly mistook for something else. I love my husband
and I’ll do everything I can before I give up on my marriage.’

‘Is that your final word?’ he said, looking up, his eyes now cold.

‘Yes, it is.’

‘Fine.’ He got up and strode away over the gravel. She watched him go and sighed. That was over now, and she was relieved. Now she had to find John.

The doors to the old coach house stood open, letting the afternoon sun in. Delilah could hear the mutter of low voices as she came near and paused at the open doors for a
moment to see Nicky, white haired and stooped, sitting opposite John, who leaned towards his father, listening intently to what he was saying and occasionally answering. She felt moved suddenly by
the strength of their relationship and how close they evidently were, and was sure again that Alexandra had renounced John for herself so that Nicky might have this precious bond with his only
child.

John looked up and saw her, and his eyes turned cold and stony. It seemed that he was still in no mood for listening to her. Her heart sank but she said as cheerfully as she could, ‘Hello,
you two. How are you?’

Nicky looked at her, startled by her arrival. ‘Hello, dear. You’re . . .’

‘Delilah,’ she supplied, smiling at him.

His brow furrowed and he looked thoughtful. Then his faded grey eyes lit up and he said, ‘John’s wife!’

‘Yes, that’s right.’ She was touched by his sudden recollection of her. ‘I wonder if you’d mind if I steal John away for a while? I need to talk to him.’

‘Of course not,’ Nicky said. He seemed very lucid. ‘You two ought to spend some time together. I’ve wondered why I never see you. Will you come by next time and have some
tea and a chat?’

‘Of course,’ Delilah said, touched. She thought of his loneliness, remembering what Erryl had said about Nicky’s sadness. He had lost half his family, for nothing. Tears
pricked her eyes and she blinked them away. ‘I’d love to.’

‘Off you go, boy,’ Nicky said to John, flapping a hand at him.‘Go and be with your lovely wife. Don’t waste a minute.’

‘See you later, Dad,’ John mumbled, disconcerted by his father’s command. He stood up and glanced at Delilah, then walked past her out into the garden. She went after him,
trotting to catch up with his stride. He stared straight ahead, not looking at her. ‘What’s all this about?’ he asked curtly.

‘John, please – stop. I need to talk to you. It’s important. It’s
really
important.’ She put a hand on his arm. He stopped and turned to look at her.

‘What is it?’

‘I need you to listen properly.’ She saw his expression change to exasperation. She needed to be quick, she could see that. Any moment now, he would stride away and it would all be
lost. She might never get another chance like this. She took a deep breath and said, ‘I know why your mother left you.’

He frowned at her, puzzled, as he took in what she said. ‘What are you talking about?’

She clutched at him again, desperate to convey the importance of what she had to say. ‘I’ve found out! The vicar took me to the old people’s home in Rawlston and your
mother’s old maid was there and she told me – she told me
why
! My God, John, you won’t believe it, it’s too incredible.’

He stared at her suspiciously, thrusting his hands in his pockets. ‘The old people’s home?’ He gave a cold, contemptuous laugh. ‘Have you dug someone up to tell me that
my mother was an angel after all? Because I warn you, it isn’t going to work. I told you. She’s dead. As far as I’m concerned that’s the way it’s going to
stay.’

‘If that’s how you want it, then fine,’ she said gently. ‘But before you make your final decision on that, why not make sure you know everything?’

He shrugged as though uninterested in the idea that there might be anything he didn’t know. ‘All right. Tell me.’

‘Let’s sit down.’ She led him to the nearest bench, a stone one that faced a small fountain spouting four twinkling arcs of water into the pond below. ‘I need you to
listen carefully. You know that your sister died in a hit-and-run, and your mother supposedly killed herself – at least, so you thought until you found out a few months ago that she was still
alive?’

‘Yes.’ His voice was studiedly blank.

‘Who told you she’d killed herself?’ Delilah asked, suddenly diverted. ‘Was it your father?’

John seemed to be remembering despite himself and after a moment he murmured, ‘No, no . . . he never said that to me. He told me she’d gone away. It was Nanny who told me that
she’d jumped off the folly. Well . . .’ He frowned as if with the effort of pulling up old memories. ‘She didn’t know I was listening, to be fair. They were talking about it
– her and the nursery maid – and I was awake and I heard them say, “Well, she jumped off, didn’t she? She jumped off the folly.” And I knew that they meant my
mother.’