The Woodlands (30 page)

I sobbed pathetically
, sitting in a triangle of light that finally forced me to move. I rose from the ground and wiped my red face. I knew a lot of this was pregnancy hormones, but part of it was fear. The baby always drove a wedge between us because I was afraid of it. I resolved to try and talk to him rationally. I needed to explain how I was feeling.

I
made my way back. Tonight was the first we would sleep inside. It was a good thing too; the nights had started to get icy, a fine frost gathering on the outside of our sleeping bags. I hoped Careen had made more progress with the fireplace. I hoped Joseph hadn’t stormed back angry and was telling everyone what a horrible person I was. No, he would never do that.

When I got back
, everyone was hovering over something I had been working on. They were circling it and talking to each other when I broke the circle. I busted in, deliberately opposite Joseph, trying to catch his eyes, but he avoided my gaze. I frowned. I guess at some point it wasn’t surprising that he didn’t want to be my punching bag anymore but I was disappointed. I’d hoped he would realize that I was just overly emotional from all the hormones. With every second that he avoided me, I could feel myself prickling, feel the compulsion to yell or push him again, but I told myself to calm down. This time the calm side won. He couldn’t always be the understanding one. This time it was my turn to make it right.

“
Why are you all staring at the door?” I asked, bending down awkwardly to wipe some sawdust off the roughened planks of wood. Joseph’s hand reached out to help me, but then it withdrew quickly. I stayed on the ground, looking up at the group. I had laid out the planks side by side neatly and placed cross braces on them to make a door, but I hadn’t quite worked out how to hang it in the doorway.

Deshi spoke first
. “How are we going to put this up? We can’t have a house with no door over winter. It kind of defeats the purpose,” he said crankily, holding Hessa over his shoulder and bouncing up and down as he patted the child’s back.

Careen held out her hand and I took it. She pulled me up too quickly and I felt the blood rush to my head, swaying a little
, Apella steadied me with her wispy hands. Joseph stood, hands by his side, silent.

“
I’m not sure, at the Classes we were taught to hang doors with hinges. I don’t think I can fashion hinges from wood. Besides, I don’t think they would be strong enough,” I said, still trying desperately to get Joseph to look at me but he wouldn’t. His jaw was tense and he looked at his feet. It was just a little fight and he was sulking like a child. I watched him pat his right arm over and over with narrowed eyes.

“
Couldn’t we just stand the door in the gap?” Apella said naively, flicking her finger towards the yawning hole in the cabin.

“
No,” I replied, thinking it over. “The weather would push through and it would blow down if it was windy. It needs to be secure and strong against the elements.”

Finally Joseph spoke
, a smaller sound than I was used to, “Then we need some hinges.”

I knew what he was going to say. I knew I wouldn
’t like the sound of it at all.

“
I’ll go back and get some. Remember? Every door was rotted through but what was left of them was hanging off big, iron hinges,” he continued.

“
No, it’s too far and it’s too dangerous,” I said, hearing my voice increasing in pitch. “We’ll find another way.”

His eyes were steeled as he said,
“I doubt it. Look, we have plenty of time. The rest of you can collect more food and firewood. Finish the fireplace. By the time I get back, you’ll be done and we can put the door up.” He sounded so calm. Everyone else was nodding in agreement.

I pitched forward into the group.
“Are you all crazy? What if he gets lost, or injured? He can’t go alone.” The idea of him leaving me was too much, especially on these terms.

“
I’ll go with him,” Careen volunteered. My worst nightmare. Well, one of them at least.

Alexei pushed his glasses up onto his head only to run his hands through his hair and knock them to the ground
. “Ok, then it’s settled, you can leave in the morning,” he said to the ground.

Everyone nodded and
returned to their various tasks. I stood over my door, staring at it, racking my brain for another solution that meant he could stay. I couldn’t come up with anything.

I found Joseph stacking stones for the fireplace
, the clink of rock on rock interrupted by his slight heaves. I touched his arm and he swung around, startled. When he saw it was me he relaxed a little, but I could see he was still hurt.

“
I’m sorry,” I admitted, drawing the apology out of my mouth like a heavy bucket from a well. It was difficult, but I didn’t want him leaving without trying to work this out. In truth, I wanted to convince him not to go.

His surprise was hurtful and obvious.
“Wow, ok, I thought it would take a little longer than that,” he laughed, that familiar smile returning to his face.

I moved closer, pressing my fingers to his chest.
“I’m just a mess. The hormones make me crazy. I think, as we get closer to the leech…I mean, the baby being born, the more I worry about how things will change,” I confessed, heart jumping. I was wracked with uncertainty, feeling stupid to have put myself in this situation in the first place.

Joseph
put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. “I’m scared too, Rosa. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what will happen when the baby comes. I’m not sure how I will feel, or how you will feel.” His eyes left mine and he looked past me. “Sometimes I worry this was a mistake.” I went cold, sharp shivers shooting through me.

I hated how desperate I sounded when I said,
“It’s not. Whatever happens later, I will always be glad that I had this, no matter how painful the rest might be. Don’t give up on me yet, Joseph. You know, you can’t always predict what I might do,” I said, smiling sadly.

“
Oh, I know that!” he laughed as his arms slipped from my shoulders to my waist and he pulled me to his chest.

“
So, it’s not a mistake?” I asked, looking up into his eyes.

“
Oh, it definitely is!” he said, grinning, “But I don’t care.”

I wanted to say,
then don’t go
, but I knew it wouldn’t change his mind. He wasn’t as stubborn as me, but he was pretty close. I thought of going with him but I would only make them take longer. Instead, we climbed the hill that rose from behind our little cabin to watch the sunset. Joseph had to push me up the hill, but it was worth it to get to the top. We could see the mounds of grassy hills; rocky patches sliding into creeks and wooded forests. It felt like we were the only humans that had been here in hundreds of years. We probably were.

The sky was cloudy, which made for a more spectacular sunset.
Colors of purple pierced bright oranges and deep dark reds the color of blood. We sat in the wet grass and watched the sun slip below the hills. I leaned into his chest, his warm arms wrapped around my shoulders, his shirt, uncharacteristically, buttoned at the wrist. His legs sprawled on either side of me and I felt cocooned, safe in my space between his chest and his worn, dirt-caked boots. I sighed at the state of them. All that walking. We had both come so far.

I placed a hand on his knee and he shifted slightly.
“Don’t go,” I said, feeling tears welling. Panic and hope mixed together. I was annoyed that I said it. I didn’t want to be this person. This pathetic wreck, so tied to him. I was angry too. He opened me up, and now he was leaving, again. I felt like I would stay open until he returned, a throbbing wound bound together loosely by dirty string. I could have been happy before, but he changed what happiness meant.

“
Rosa, don’t worry. I won’t be gone long. It’ll only be a couple of days. It will give you a chance to miss me,” he said, but his cheek was unconvincing.

I closed my mouth
. Anything I said would only sound like begging, and it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. I was full of misgivings about this trip and I knew the next few days would be unbearable.

We stayed there for hours, t
alking and laughing. He held my hand and I kissed his fingers one by one. He nuzzled his now scruffy face in my hair and caressed my neck. We were determined to enjoy this last night together. Somewhere, the panic lifted and I floated away on a cloud of happiness and tiredness.

I o
nly had a slight awareness I was moving, my head fuzzy from sleep. He lowered me into my bed, now propped up off the floor by fur and dried grass. It was warm and comfortable. I sunk into it, awaiting the extra warmth of his body beside my own, the comforting sound of his slow, even breathing. But all I could hear was a faint clattering. I opened my eyes drowsily to see him stuffing things into his backpack. I opened my mouth but he beat me to it, whispering, “The sooner I leave, the sooner I will be back.”

“
No,” I begged, finding my voice. I pulled myself up, fighting sleep. “Please. At least leave in the morning.” My voice stripped down, withering and pathetic.

“
All right,” he sighed, placing his pack against the wall. He climbed into the bag with me and I snuggled into his chest. I wished I could hide his pack or find some other way to stop him or delay his leaving. I fell asleep, concocting ideas of how I would convince him to stay in the morning.

When I opened my eyes to the beginning of morning,
Joseph and Careen were gone.

There are so many things I didn’t understand. Needs and wants I didn’t even know I had. Not until it was too late.

The next two days were absolute agony. When I realized he’d left, I was furious, throwing things around in a fit of anger. When I calmed down, I found a scrawled note on a scrap of wood.

‘
Sorry I left without saying goodbye. Knew you would make me stay. Back soon. I love you. Joseph.’

I threw it out the window
, the scrap slicing through the air like a saw blade. Feeling tethered to it like it was my last shred of hope, I ran outside and retrieved it. I held it close to my heart while the others watched, feeling like an idiot, but having no other tangible thing to hold onto. I was so worried. There were so many dangerous things out there. I thought about the wolves, the yellow-eyed animals. I shuddered. It was terrifying to think of him being attacked again.

I
turned my focus on Hessa and finishing shutters for the window. Distraction was the key. The fireplace was finished and drying. I laid Hessa next to me as I used the axe to plane down planks of wood ready to attach to each other for window shutters. He watched me with his perfect blue eyes, squinting as the sun grabbed around my shadow. He held his hands in front of his face, mesmerized by them one second and sucking on them the next. I handed him his doll and let him suck on that. Sometimes it was like his mother was staring back at me. It calmed me. I felt her invisible arm link with mine. I played with his tiny feet, tickled his toes, and watched his delighted face when I held them up for him to see, like they were not his own. He made me laugh and brought me out of my miserable state, for a little while.

Towards the end of the
day, the sky darkened. Hessa’s face was shrouded in shadows. I worked on, until the first splashes of water hit his little face.

I pulled myself up slowly and brought Hessa out of the rain.
This would be a good test for our cabin. The clay had been drying for about a week. I hoped it was enough time. I pick Hessa up and walked towards the dark wood shelter, the need for a door very evident as rain cascaded down the gap, creating a curtain of water to pass through. The others filtered in from the forest with various handfuls of nuts and fruit, tumbling them into a blanket by the fireplace. I laid Hessa on my bed and made a fire. The sudden chill in the air was hurting my lungs. It had changed so quickly.

I thought of Joseph and Careen
and prayed they’d found shelter somewhere.

I struggled to light the fire. Damp wood, damp matches. I blew on it, try
ing to persuade a flame. Slowly sparks crept up around the timber. But once I had it going, the room filled with smoke; dark grey smoke, pushing forward and pouring out the windows. Hessa was coughing. Our eyes were stinging. The chimney must have been blocked, or had collapsed outside. I smothered the fire, then, using the water that was pouring from where the door should be, I completely extinguished it.

T
he cabin was only leaking in one corner of the room. But rain was streaming through the uncovered windows. We moved all our stuff into the dry corner and stayed close to each other for warmth. I used some of our only nails to hammer a blanket over the windows, which helped a little. The rain had certainly pointed out some things that needed to be fixed. It was going to be a damp, miserable night.

I couldn
’t sleep. I was too concerned for Joseph and Careen. Listening to the wind blowing outside, it sounded devilish, howling and whipping the trees. I worried about the strength of our cabin. If it fell down on us, we would be crushed by the trunks on the roof. It held strong. I pictured Careen and Joseph huddling together in the cold, as we were. At least I started to, until my imagination had them crawling all over each other and I felt sick to my stomach. It wasn’t going to happen, I convinced myself. I held Hessa close and concentrated on keeping him warm.

Deshi was awake too. Apella and Alexei were intertwined with one another and had fallen asleep
in a tangle.

“
Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re fine,” Deshi said unconvincingly. He held out his hands out for Hessa, but I wasn’t giving him up tonight.

I shook my head.
“Don’t you worry—there is no way I’ll sleep tonight. You try and get some rest.”

“
You forget, I worry about Joseph the same way you do,” he said, annoyed. I nodded. There were no words for him.

Changing the subject
, I asked, “What do you think of Careen?”

He laughed
. “If you’re asking—do I think she’ll have a go with Joseph, absolutely!”

My heart stopped.

“Just ask me if you think he would rise to the bait,” he said, leading. I didn’t say anything and he answered himself, “Absolutely not.”

He put his hand on my
arm and patted it awkwardly. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“
Yeah, except them freezing to death, or being attacked by an animal, or not having enough to eat,” I said bitingly.

“
Ha, yeah, except for that.”

I laughed despite myself.

“Rosa, I don’t think you understand just how much he loves you.”

I
squirmed uncomfortably. A cloud of memories rustled up, like shaking a blanket full of dust. Bits billowing out, some floating away, others getting stuck up your nose; a choking feeling, making you want to sneeze.

“
I do,” I said quietly, but I sounded unsure. I knew how I felt, but his feelings had always seemed a bit confused in my mind. There was the
before
and the
after
.
Before
, when we were in Pau, when he wanted to be close and then pushed me away, the
after
when he told me to leave him alone at the Classes. Then there was the
before
that I didn’t know about, those four months I was missing, where he said he never stopped looking for me. The next
after
, was yet to come. After the baby was born.

Deshi laughed, but there was a bitter edge to it.
“No, you don’t.” He looked to the door, watching the water streaming down the entrance, almost solid. “When you were at the Classes, did you ever see how much pain he was in?”

Most of my memories were of him
joking around and talking to his friends. There were only a couple of times that he gave the impression that he was less than happy. I held my heart, feeling like if I didn’t, it would fall out of my chest. These memories were too painful. They brought with them visions of Rash, Henri, blood and broken faces. I just shook my head.

“
He was in agony. He wanted to talk to you, but he knew you had no future together; he was trying to do the right thing. But by the time he had decided to tell you how he felt, it was too late, you were gone.” Deshi’s hands fell flatly on his crossed legs. “When you disappeared, so did Joseph. He was tormented. He barely ate or slept. I don’t know why, but I think he blamed himself, like he could have stopped it.” Deshi shook his head. I knew Deshi blamed me; he probably blamed me for a lot of things.

“
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, he would never jeopardize the delicate ‘thing’ you have, not in a million years.” He said it with distaste. He didn’t get it. I’m not sure I really did either. All I knew was how it felt.

He looked at me, e
yes tracking up and down, narrowing. I knew he didn’t think I was worth it. Our relationship always tipped back and forth like this. Talking about Joseph was a mistake for us. It hurt.

I tried hard not to sound jealous when I said,
“Do you think he is safe with her?”

“
I don’t know.”

I rolled my eyes,
“Well, that’s comforting”

“
She’s a bit crazy, but I don’t think she’d hurt him. I think she’s just traumatized or something.”

I stared into my lap, Hessa folded neatly into the crook of my arm. Was I
traumatized? Probably.

At some point in our
conversation, the rain started to ease. A damp, dreary morning peeked through the doorway, mist rising off the grass. We roused ourselves and surveyed the damage. The top of the fireplace had collapsed, dark grey stones and clay scattered on the ground. But apart from that, everything looked ok. The cabin had held up remarkably well through the storm. We identified the holes and started working to fix the problems. The fireplace needed to be shorter and wider to make it more stable. Once it was repaired, we lit a fire and let it burn all day, baking the stonework and drying the cabin out.

Apella and Alexei went into the forest
to search for food. I tried following them once but I felt I could barely walk two steps without feeling the weight of the leech pushing down. I needed to go to the toilet all the time and I felt quite sure, if I walked too far, the child would fall out.
Bang
! Like a chicken dropping an egg.

Apella asked me to lie down and she poked and prodded my stomach. Squeezing me like an orange. She informed me that the baby was engaged. I giggled,
“What? Already? When’s the wedding?” Apella almost smiled. Almost. She explained the head was down and that’s why I felt pressure. So, it was standing on its head and bouncing up and down on my bladder. Great. She also said not to worry, this could happen weeks before the baby was actually born but I should try not to push myself.

Every
time someone went past the tree line and returned, my heart cartwheeled. I could always hear them coming before I saw them and I hoped against hope that it was Joseph, stomping through the forest. It never was.

The forest was looking sparser now, more leaves on the ground than the branches
, looking like stark, straggly fingers reaching to the sky, calling the snow. The colors of the leaves reminded me of the sunset we had viewed from the top of our hill. I could almost feel him breathing into my neck, his strong arms holding me. Almost, but not quite. I knew he had probably reached the city by now but there was no way he would be back today unless he ran all the way. I dreaded another night alone but at least the rain had moved on. With the fireplace repaired, hopefully we would get some sleep.

Deshi
helped me drag the heavy shutters inside. We leaned them in the windows, leaving a crack for ventilation. Deshi settled Hessa and gave him a bottle. We ate in silence, chewing on Careen’s dried rabbit. All of us wondering where they were, whether they had found anything, and when they would be back.

Apella
parted the silence with her wispy voice. “Rosa, I have been meaning to say thank you.”

I looked at her incredulously. Thank me for what? I had been nothing but mean to her from the moment we left the facility.

“Without your knowledge and persistence, we never would have built this home. We would have kept walking and ended up freezing to death. This was a good idea,” she finished.

I felt myself blushing
, unused to the attention, the adulation. “Well, I guess I should thank you too. For rescuing me, I mean.” I only half-meant it but I attempted to smile. She was trying. She leaned over to me and hugged me. My body stiffened in reply.

She composed herself,
tightening her face, straightening her clothing, reminding me of my mother; unable to really show emotion. Uncomfortable that she had displayed vulnerability. I knew deep down that was why I found Apella so hard to deal with.