Nathan straightened slowly. “
Do
and then you’ll
know?
” he repeated, looking puzzled.
“Yes. It comes from John, chapter seven, verse seventeen. The Savior said, ‘If you do my will, you shall know of the doctrine.’ So I’m going to be baptized. If Mother can join me, that will be wonderful. If not, I’m going ahead. If Father gives his permission, that will be wonderful. If not, I am going ahead.”
Nathan had lowered his head and was staring at the floor.
“Do you think I’m wrong, Nathan?”
Nathan’s head came up. It was clear he hadn’t heard.
“Do you think I’m wrong to feel that way? Am I making a mistake by going ahead when I don’t have all the answers?”
Again there was a strange, wondering look. Then Nathan smiled faintly. “
Do
and then you’ll
know,
” he answered.
Will’s mouth opened in surprise; then he grinned. “Yes. That’s it, isn’t it? I’ve got to keep remembering that. That is my answer.”
Nathan jumped to his feet. “Will, could I get you to do me a great favor?”
“Sure. What?”
“Can you watch the store for me? We’ve got a new woman helping out now, but she won’t be here for an hour. Could you take it just until then?”
Will was a little surprised by the sudden urgency in Nathan, but he nodded again. “Sure, I’d be happy to.”
Nathan untied his apron, tore it off and tossed it onto a chair, then started for the door. He stopped. “What was that scripture again?”
“John seven seventeen.”
“Thanks. You’re wonderful, Will. You just pulled
me
out of the river.” And out he went.
They found Joseph at the Homestead, working in his garden with Julia and young Joseph. While they were still half a block away, he looked up and saw them coming. He immediately left his work and came over to the fence and waited for them.
“Hello, Joseph.”
“Nathan. Lydia.”
Nathan took a quick breath, then wasn’t sure what to say all of a sudden.
Joseph watched them steadily; then his mouth softened into a smile. “I’d like to change my clothes. Can you wait in my office upstairs at the store?”
“Of course.”
Lydia looked up at Nathan. “I’ll just wait for you here,” she murmured.
Joseph gave her a stern look. “I wouldn’t change my clothes just for Nathan,” he said. “I’ll meet
both
of you there in five minutes.”
“I’m listening,” Joseph said, sitting back and folding his hands together.
Nathan looked at Lydia, who smiled her encouragement. He smiled back at her, squared his shoulders, and then looked at Joseph. “The other day, you talked about asking the right questions, asking the questions that the Lord would have me ask.”
“Yes, one of the great lessons of Liberty Jail.”
“I’m not sure if I’ve come far enough, but I’m not asking the same questions anymore.”
“What were your questions, Nathan?”
He fumbled a little, finding this very difficult. “Oh, things like, Why is this happening? Is this really from God? Would God ask such a thing of us today?” He looked away, ashamed and yet not willing to hide it. “Has Joseph fallen? Has he been deceived?”
Joseph nodded solemnly. “And now?”
“Well, actually there was a middle level, another step. Yesterday, I started asking things like, If God did ask this of Joseph, why would he expect something so difficult? Why would he require a man or a woman to go against everything they have been taught? How could this possibly be pleasing to him?”
“And now?” Joseph asked again, very gently.
“There’s just one question now. What does God want me to do?”
Joseph considered what that meant; then he leaned forward, his eyes pinning Nathan now. “And if I said that God wanted you to take another woman to be your wife?”
There was a long moment of silence as their eyes locked, but finally, Nathan bowed his head. “Then that is what I would do.”
Joseph turned. “Lydia?”
Her eyes were glistening and the pupils were enormous and dark, like a cat’s eyes in semidarkness. But she did not waver from his gaze. “We are ready to do whatever God asks of us, Joseph.”
An audible sigh went through him and he sat back. “Ah, Nathan, I cannot tell you what that means to me. You have been like a rock all these years. And then, when you looked at me the other day as though I had betrayed everything you ever trusted in, it was as if a lance had pierced me through.”
“I’m sorry, Joseph. I don’t know what got into me. I was so angry. I—”
“But it’s gone now?”
“Yes.”
“So no more questions?”
Nathan thought of Lydia’s words that morning and reached out and took her hand. “Lots of questions, but no more doubts.”
That seemed to please Joseph. “I would worry if you did not,” he growled good-naturedly. “
I
still have many, many questions.”
“Really?” Lydia said. “Even you?”
“Even me. And I don’t have all the answers either. But the important thing is, are your questions ‘if’ questions, or are they ‘why’ questions?”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Nathan responded.
“It’s one thing to ask God
why
he does something, so we can better understand his will and purposes for us. It’s quite another to question
if
something really is his will.”
All three of them were silent for a few moments, thinking about the difference. Then Joseph turned to Nathan again. “The other day I told you to come back when you were ready to ask the right questions. And here you are.”
“Yes. I’m ready to listen.”
“All right. Let me say this first. I don’t know all the whys of this. I think there is no question but what this is a test for us, individually and for the Church collectively. I understand Brigham already spoke to you of that, so I shall say nothing more. Second, there is no question that this will prove to be a blessing for some women.” He looked at Lydia. “For you who are happily married to a good and righteous man, it will be a test and a sacrifice. But think of Sarah Noon, for example. Abandoned by her husband, left with two children, no means of support. Now Heber will care for her, provide her with safety and security.”
Lydia nodded, thinking of the feelings she had had about Jessica. “I can see that.”
“In the Book of Mormon, it says this practice is only acceptable when God desires
to raise up seed
unto himself. I know that the Church has a great destiny yet to fill. Maybe the Lord needs that kind of righteous posterity in the days ahead. Maybe there are other reasons as well. Remember, these are no more than the musings of an unlearned man trying to fathom the unfathomable mind of God. I give them to you only as food for thought.”
Now his visage abruptly changed. “But,” he said with sudden and deep solemnity, “there is one thing that you need to know with absolute certainty. We are living this principle because God requires it of us. It matters not whether there is any other reason at all. That is enough.”
Nathan went to speak but Joseph rushed on. “I know that you do not dispute this any longer, Nathan, but I still must say it. I want you to hear just how clearly I know this is so.”
He stood and walked to the window that looked out on the Mississippi River. “I first learned that this principle was going to be restored many years ago, when I was working on the translation of the Bible. When the Lord revealed it to me at that time, he said that it was not required that we live it yet but that he would reveal to me when that time had come. As the years passed, I knew that the time was coming when God would require it of us, but I kept pushing it back, not wanting to think about it.
“Then in the summer of 1840, the Lord said that it was time to prepare to live it. I can’t tell you what feelings came over me. When the Twelve returned last summer, I was told to teach it to them. This caused me to feel the greatest of repugnance, Nathan. This is the greatest battle I have ever waged with myself. I know the voice of God, Nathan. I know it when he speaks. And I knew that he had spoken on this matter and told me to go forward, and not only to go forward with it, but that I myself must set the example.
“Oh, the feelings that swept over me. Not only did I have to do battle with my own hesitations, I knew full well what this would mean to our people. I knew what it would mean to the Gentile world.” He passed a hand over his eyes. “As if they need another club with which to beat us.”
Now he turned, his back to the window, his face in shadow. “I will not tell you of the sleepless nights, the endless pacing of the floor. How could I ask this of anyone? How could I tell Emma? After all she has suffered and endured to stand at my side. Now this. But God had given the commandment. How could I withstand God?”
He began to pace back and forth across the room, his hands clenching, his mouth twisting as his mind took him back. “But even then I delayed. I could not bring myself to do it. I pleaded with the Lord to turn away this commandment, for I knew full well the trouble that would follow.” He threw up his hands in despair. “But he would not.”
Suddenly he stopped and turned to face them. His eyes seemed to be peering at them through deep water. “Three different times I had an angel come to me,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “Three times he had to come and command me to follow the Lord’s counsel. Can you imagine such a thing? An angel comes from the presence of God and directs me how to act, and I cannot obey.”
He stopped, staring at them, seeing nothing. “The last time—” A shudder ran through his body. “The last time the angel had a drawn sword in his hand. He warned me that if I would not obey the command of God, my office would be taken from me and given to another—”
“No!” Lydia whispered.
“—and,” he said in a great hollow voice, “. . . and he said that if I would not submit to God’s will, he was commanded to slay me.”
Nathan felt sick. He had been so caught up in his own personal hell that he had never even thought about what this must have meant to Joseph. He had been out bellowing and blowing, tramping around the prairies, shaking his fist at God, and he had never given even a moment’s thought as to how Joseph was taking it. He felt hot tears of shame burn behind his eyelids.
Now Joseph’s voice was calm and very soft. “Since that day, I have determined that I shall press forward, even if it shall cost me my life. It is the work of God. He has revealed this principle, and it is not my business to control or dictate it.”
Suddenly Nathan’s whole body began to tremble. A racking sob was torn from his throat. He shook his head as he stared at Joseph in abject sorrow. “Oh, Joseph! Forgive me! Forgive me for doubting you. Forgive my blindness.”
In a moment, Lydia was on her knees at Nathan’s side, trying to put her arms around him, but he just huddled tighter into himself. “I’ve been such a fool,” he cried. “Such a blind fool!”
Suddenly Joseph was standing before them. He reached out and laid a hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “Forgive you for what, my friend? For struggling as I have struggled? For going through three days of agony like Brother Heber suffered? For longing for death as Brother Brigham did?”
He shook his head, and now took Nathan by the arms and lifted him up to face him. “Don’t you think I understand, Nathan?”
With a great cry, Nathan threw his arms around Joseph, letting Joseph hold him tightly until gradually the shaking in his body began to subside. When Nathan finally straightened, brushing at his eyes with the back of his hand, Joseph turned to Lydia. He reached down and gave her a quick hug as well. “Thank you, Lydia. Your father-in-law told me about your quiet witness.”
She was crying now and could only nod. She groped for Nathan’s hand. Joseph now smiled. “You have come willing to accept whatever God asks of you.”
“Yes,” replied Nathan.
“Then hear what it is that you should do.”
“Yes, Joseph.”
“First, stand fast. You have come through the fire; now you are stronger. You will need that strength as you deal with Joshua and others who are troubled by this doctrine. You and Lydia can be pillars of strength to those who are faltering.”
They were both nodding at that.
“Second, know this. The Lord does not at this time require that you enter this law.” As there was a sharp intake of breath from Lydia, he smiled upon her. “Let your heart be at peace, dear Sister Lydia. For now, the Lord does not require that you share your husband with another woman. Maybe sometime in the future, but not at present.”
She started to weep again and Nathan took her into his arms.
“Third, . . .” He paused, savoring the moment. “The Lord has accepted your offering of submission. Now it is his will that you be sealed as husband and wife for time and for all eternity.”
“What?” Nathan cried. Then, incredulously, he remembered what Heber had said. After he had proven himself willing to sacrifice whatever God required, Joseph had sealed him and Vilate in the bonds of eternal marrige. Nathan hadn’t dreamed there could be such a blessing for him, not after these days of darkness and doubting.
Joseph took Lydia’s hand and placed it in Nathan’s. Then he led them to the center of the room where there was a circular rug covering the hardwood floor. “Would you kneel here together, facing me please?”
Lydia’s eyes were like great windows of joy and light. With a soft cry, she sank to her knees. Nathan went down beside her, reached out and found her hand and held it tightly against his chest.
Joseph moved around to stand in front of them. “You should know, Sister Lydia McBride Steed and Brother Nathan Steed, that God has manifested unto me that he has accepted of your willingness to live his law. He is pleased with what is in your hearts. Therefore, as the holder of the keys of the sealing power brought back to earth by Elijah of old, I shall now unite the two of you in the holy order of celestial marriage, sealing you together by the power and authority given to me to bind on earth so that it can be bound in heaven.”
Joseph’s eyes were filled with joy now too. “I should like to first explain to you what this means. The Lord has said that if a man marry a wife by his word, which is his law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of Promise, then it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever his servant hath put upon them, in time and through all eternity.