The World of Karl Pilkington (14 page)

Ricky:
What would you do if you had to put your mind into the unhatched egg of something, like maybe one of those wasps that is injected into a spider – so you are in an egg, which is really uncomfortable, in a spider? How would you feel about that Karl? You’re a baby wasp in the abdomen of a spider.

Karl:
And I know everything that I know now? I’m sat in there?

Ricky:
Yeah, ‘Now I’m in a spider as an unborn wasp. What the fuck am I doing here? What’s going on?’

Karl:
I don’t know what I’d do there. Err … probably try and sleep. There’s nothing else to do though is there?

Steve:
I just pray to God it never happens.

Ricky:
Exactly, so remove that a billion times to a different species with different input.

Karl:
No, but it depends. If I’m talking to a lion in London zoo, he’ll be saying, ‘Oh I’m fed up of being stuck in here.’ I’ll go, ‘Yeah.’ It depends what its background is. I mean there’s some people who might have lived down the road from me but have a totally different life.

Ricky:
Absolutely.

Karl:
So it doesn’t matter that it’s a lion. Does it?

Ricky:
Well, yeah, because he has removed it even more. So now it’s not just a bloke who lived a few doors away; now it’s not even a bloke.

Karl:
Yeah but I’d pick something smaller, you know – a worm, without a mouth. Then I’d go, ‘Definitely not.’

Ricky:
What? ‘Definitely not’ what?

Karl:
I wouldn’t be having a chat with it. I just think that a worm that’s underground, what’s it got to offer me?

Karl:
It’s blind and it hasn’t got a mouth. It’s not going to be a good day out with it, is what I’m saying. It’s not gonna have that much to say to me, even if it’s English, right.

Ricky:
‘Even if it’s English.’

Steve:
How can you tell if a worm’s English? Does it wear a very tiny bowler hat?

Ricky:
What about a jellyfish?

Karl:
No. You see I think that’s where you can say you wouldn’t be able to have a good chat with ’em, because to me the sea might as well be another world.

Ricky:
Yes.

Karl:
In a way I think the fish sort of have more rights than us.

Ricky:
What do you mean?

Karl:
Just because, and I don’t wanna slag off God, but if I was to have a go at him I’d say, ‘You added too much water.’

Ricky:
How would you have changed that?

Karl:
Just more land.

Steve:
Fair enough. Now why have fish got more rights than us?

Karl:
Because there’s loads of ’em and when you look on the amount of sea on the world, right, there’s loads of that. I was in Malaga the other week, right, and you know you look in the sea and there’s loads of different fish and that’s just in eight foot of water. If you go miles out, there’s like all sorts of weird fish, in’t there, with like lights on them and everything. Just millions of different types.

Steve:
Yeah. Now why does that mean they have got more rights than us?

Karl:
Just because I think, you know, rights come in numbers don’t they, if you know what I mean. Like if there’s one of you shouting, people go, ‘Oh he’s an idiot. Shut up’ or whatever. If there’s loads of you shouting they go, ‘Best listen to ’em. See what they’ve got to say.’ And that’s what I mean about fish.

Steve:
Yeah, right. But they’re not really making their voices heard though, are they, Karl?

Karl:
I know, ’cos they’re under water. But what I mean is … I don’t know what I mean.

Ricky:
Karl, can I ask you a question?

Karl:
Go on.

Ricky:
I know this is what a lot of the fans are already wondering. Have you got any Monkey News?

Karl:
Of course, no question.

Steve:
Well I’m worried because maybe this will steal your thunder – ‘Chimp mauling under investigation. Investigators said they are trying to figure out howtwo chimpanzees that viciously attacked a visitor at an animal sanctuary, escaped from their cage.’ (This is the grim bit.) ‘The chimps chewed off a man’s nose and severely mauled his genitals and limbs.’

Ricky:
Why did they go for his genitals?

Steve:
They saw it all just dangling away and …

Ricky:
(
monkey noises
) Ah ah ah ‘You go for his nose and I’ll go for his bollocks’ ah ah ah ah.

Karl:
What happened to ’em anyway? The two guilty monkeys?

Steve:
Well, unfortunately, they were shot dead by the authorities.

Karl:
You see that annoys me a bit.

Steve:
What are you talking about? They were attacking people’s gonads!

Ricky:
I know but they were happy in an African jungle a couple of years ago.

Karl:
That’s what they do innit.

Ricky:
That is what they do. That is what animals do. Animals fight.

Steve:
So what are you supposed to do – are you supposed to let them just wander off into the local mall and maybe savage some young children, or a bucket with a face painted on it?

Ricky:
No, all I am saying is that you don’t shoot them for doing what’s natural to them.

Steve:
Yes you do. If anything attacks anyone’s balls.

Ricky:
Were they executed or were they shot during the attack?

Steve:
It just says they were shot to death. I’m assuming they shot them to death as they were legging it off.

Karl:
But why aren’t they just sort of tranquilised? Where was this?

Steve:
Hey, why am I being accused? It’s like it was my fault, just because I happen to be reading it.

Karl:
It just annoys me how one day we’re trying to save the pandas and then the next day someone’s shooting them or whatever. I know it’s not a panda …

Steve:
So therefore your argument falls apart, but go on …

Karl:
No. But I have talked about this before, about St George killing the last dragon.

Ricky:
Right – it didn’t exist.

Karl:
It’s the same thing though.

Ricky:
No, there have never been any dragons – it’s a mythical creature. By mythical it means – ‘we made this up’ – like the unicorn.

Karl:
Hmm, well …

Steve:
What was your point about the dragon?

Karl:
I am saying, like, why is it alright to be going around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killing ’em, because one day we are gonna run out.

Steve:
What are you talking about? How have you extrapolated from this one incident of a couple of testis-happy monkeys …

Karl:
That’s what I am saying. One incident. They only did it once and they’ve got a bullet in their head.

Steve:
But they’re not going around shooting monkeys and making them extinct are they?

Karl:
If they carry on like this they will be.

Steve:
Well then it’s up to the monkeys to stop attacking people’s private parts. There has got to be some give and take here, I’m sorry.

Ricky:
That monkey doesn’t know why it is in a cage. It’s not going ‘Oh this is for me own good. I’ll tell you what, let’s stay here because they’re trying to do a nice little breeding programme here – or we could get out and do what we do best – run amok, eat some bollocks and have a good time.’ Karl’s right – the poor little bastards get a bullet in the head.

Karl:
And for what?

Ricky:
I’m saying if they are attacking a human, shoot them to stop them. That’s fine. But if they are running away don’t shoot them in the back like a coward.

Steve:
This is an animal sanctuary, though, so presumably they had quite a kushti time there. At most of the ones I’ve visited the monkeys have always got it easy. They are hanging around on tyres, they’ve got comfy chairs, they’re wanking, they’re going berserk – they’re loving it. So I just think there was something a bit warped in these monkeys.

Karl:
But hang on a minute, you’ve just answered your own question there. You said they are in a sanctuary – so they haven’t had a good upbringing. They’re going to be a bit more, like, madder than other monkeys aren’t they – ’cos that’s where the ill ones go innit?

Ricky:
What do you understand by ‘sanctuary’?

Steve:
It’s not like a borstal!

Ricky:
Yes, he thinks it’s a borstal. He thinks they did some bad stuff in the jungle and they had a little monkey court and they went: ‘Ah ah ah ah ah, send him to borstal!’

Karl:
Well what is it then?

Ricky:
It’s a monkey sanctuary – like a haven.

Karl:
Well it’s not a haven is it – they got a bullet in the head!